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Making in Captivity by couples therapist Esther Perel offers a new, bold take on sex and intimacy in committed relationships. She reinforces that, although desire and love may have some fundamental contradictions, there are ways to balance the clashes, and ways to manage extra-relationship stresses.
The following Mating in Captivity quotes highlight some of the key ideas.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel argues that love and desire aren’t driven by the same things. In fact, sometimes their ingredients are polar opposites. The ingredients for a loving, stable relationship are commitment, intimacy, and egalitarianism, while the ingredients for desire are mystery, distance, risk, and playfulness.
Throw in some external pressures such as cultural messages and parenthood, and it might seem impossible to have a good erotic life within a long-term relationship. However, couples therapist and relationship expert Esther Perel believes desire can survive in long-term relationships.
Below is a selection of top Mating in Captivity quotes that unpack some of the key ideas.
“… we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”
In discussing intimacy, Perel draws the reader’s attention to the changing perceptions of romance throughout history. Two or three generations ago, people married for practical reasons and the central emotion was respect—if they fell in love later, it was a by-product or a bonus. People found intimacy in relationships outside of their marriage, often same-sex ones.
As social structures changed and work and family separated, people spent more time apart. They were lonely and looked for intimacy in romantic relationships. Notably, in social structures where people are close to other people (living with your extended family, living with a bunch of roommates), they have built-in closeness, and they’re less inclined to look for more intimacy in their romantic relationships.
In modern times, however, people expect their romantic partners to provide them with everything: security, romance, emotional intimacy, and sexual fulfillment. As a result, many relationships crumble from all this weight because people don’t know how to manage their expectations and balance these needs.
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
According to Perel, love and intimacy—like security—are a modern-relationship-intangibles that conflict with sexual desire. Intimacy is based on familiarity, closeness, compassion, and comfort, potentially polar opposites of the fundamental ingredients of erotic desire: novelty, distance, and selfishness.
When you and your partner get so close that you’re now a fusion rather than two separate people, you no longer have anyone to connect with. You have to reintroduce distance if you want to reintroduce sexual desire. This can be psychological distance, for example, asking your partner to ignore you rather than immediately greet you when you get home from work. Or it can be literal—one of you leaves for a while. Either way, it can be helpful to think of the distance-creation as sexual play rather than a rejection. It can also help to remember that the closeness you and your partner have established gives you a strong foundation to return to.

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Here's what you'll find in our full Mating in Captivity summary :
- Why it's difficult to have a good, erotic life within a long-term relationship
- What makes up our individual sense of desire and our desire for our partners
- Tips on how to retain desire in a committed relationship