What Sociopaths Really Feel | Dr. Patric Gagne

Defining Antisocial Personality Disorder and Its Manifestations

Patric Gagne explains that “sociopath” and “psychopath” were once used interchangeably, but in clinical language, “psychopath” is now the preferred term, with “sociopath” deemed obsolete. The official diagnosis is Antisocial Personality Disorder, but psychopathy fits within that spectrum and is now the more accurate descriptor.

Psychopathy itself is divided into two categories: primary and secondary. Primary psychopathy is biologically rooted, extremely rare, considered incurable and untreatable. Secondary psychopathy stems from environmental factors and adverse life experiences; it is more common and considered treatable. Gagne notes that some children seem predisposed to deceit—natural liars from a young age—though not every such child develops psychopathy, but the temperament may make it easier for progression in that direction.

The critical difference between psychopaths and neurotypicals centers on social emotions. Psychopaths are born with the full suite of inherent emotions—happiness, sadness, disgust, surprise—just like everyone else. However, they lack the capacity to internalize social emotions such as empathy, compassion, guilt, and remorse. These are learned primarily through modeling and social interaction. While neurotypical children can relate to each other empathetically, people with psychopathy observe these social emotions intellectually but don't experience them emotionally. Gagne describes understanding what she “should” feel (for example, not wanting to cause sadness) without actually feeling emotional concern for another’s happiness or pain. She emphasizes that feeling differently does not mean wanting to inflict harm, but acknowledges a lack of internal resonance with social emotions.

Neurobiological Basis and Genetic Factors

Research points to a neurobiological basis for primary psychopathy, with some links to [restricted term]—the “love hormone” critical for trust and bonding. Still, the exact biological mechanism remains undetermined, mainly due to the rarity of primary psychopathy and very limited research funding. Primary psychopathy is generally attributed to genetic factors, with little hope for learning social emotions. Secondary psychopathy, however, results from environmental adversity interacting with inherent temperament. Gagne observes that while naturally gifted liars may have an easier time developing psychopathic traits, this isn’t deterministic, and treatment or intervention can make a difference.

Due to lack of resources, much of what is understood about primary psychopathy comes from cases of secondary psychopathy that are more prevalent and observable.

Prevalence and Underdiagnosis in Society

Gagne states that approximately 5% of the general population are estimated to have psychopathic traits, but the real rate may be higher. Most diagnostic tools and research, such as the PCL—which requires a criminal record for assessment—focus on incarcerated individuals. This method of testing misses psychopathic individuals who navigate society without committing crimes, suggesting many more may go undetected.

Psychopaths often thrive in society by learning to manage their behavior, be disciplined, and “shape-shift” to blend in. Gagne describes a life of emotional claustrophobia, masking, and exhaustion from constantly monitoring one’s actions and reactions to avoid detection.

Gagne also highlights the importance of early intervention. The pediatric precursors of secondary psychopathy—oppositional defiant disorder, mood dysregulation disorder, and conduct disorder—are treatable. Early identification and support could prevent many cases of adult psychopathy. Gagne mentions neuroscience work at Georgetown focused on screening and helping at-risk children, empha ...

Patric Gagne and Lewis Howes explore the dangers of suppressing difficult emotions, the consequences of unprocessed trauma, and the transformative power of expressing pain—both for the survivor and the supportive listener.

The Dangers Of Suppressing and Bypassing Difficult Emotions

Western Culture Normalizes Avoiding Painful Emotions, Preventing Trauma Processing and Allowing Unresolved Pain to Accumulate

Gagne notes that Western civilization, especially in America, normalizes keeping painful experiences and emotions out of sight. Cultural practices—like removing and beautifying the dead immediately rather than sitting in mourning—illustrate a discomfort with facing pain directly. This attitude extends to difficult emotions, particularly among older generations who often avoided discussing hardship and trauma. When there is no acknowledgment of emotional pain, people cannot learn to sit with their own feelings or those of others.

Ignored Emotional Pain Fuels Destructive Behaviors

Gagne emphasizes that when emotion is ignored or buried, the pain does not simply vanish. Instead, it festers and compels indirect expressions, sometimes in destructive ways. He describes feeling overwhelming tension as a result of unaddressed trauma. To alleviate this pressure, he engaged in risky or odd behaviors, like breaking into homes not to cause harm or theft but to dissipate the internal sense of vice-like pressure.

Pressurized Hose Metaphor: Suppressing Emotions Leads To Harmful Outlets Due to Unprocessed Trauma's Pressure

Gagne explains that suppressing emotions is like plugging a hose: the pressure doesn’t disappear—it looks for another way out. Using tape to block one outlet just moves the problem elsewhere; the accumulated emotional pressure will eventually burst out, affecting behavior and well-being. Suppression is profoundly dysregulating for the nervous system, preventing healing and mounting risk of harm.

How Unprocessed Trauma Manifests in Destructive Behavior

Trauma Encoded In Body and Mind Leads To Self-Destructive Behavior

Gagne and Howes reflect on how persistent trauma remains in the body and mind, often leading to self-destructive or compulsive behaviors. Gagne recounts knowing many friends who endured physical or sexual abuse and never spoke about it—yet the trauma manifested in various damaging ways.

Suppressed Emotions Lead To Breaking Points and Severe Acts Without Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Gagne describes how the lack of healthy emotional release leads to breaking points—major outbursts or impulsive, severe actions. Without safe outlets or coping mechanisms, people attempt to numb themselves or seek relief through distractions and risky behaviors, but the underlying pain remains untreated.

Delayed Disclosure of Abuse Hinders Healing and Connection

Howes shares his experience of not disclosing his trauma for 25 years, during which he kept replaying painful memories and attempted to numb the pain through external achievements or distractions. The secrecy and absence of connection intensified his suffering and delayed healing.

The Transformative Power Of Speaking About Trauma

Trauma Disclosure Begins Healing By Ending Internal Isolation and Allowing Nervous System Processing

Howes highlights that the act of finally revealing his pain was the turning point where “life began.” Articulating his trauma broke the internal isolation and initiated the actual experience of emotion, which is crucial for healing and restoring nervous system regulation.

Fear of Initial Disclosure—Fear of Rejection, Judgment, or Abandonment For Revealing Trauma—Feels Life-Threatening but Can Lead To Freedom and Peace Through Acceptance and Support

Both note the fear of that initial disclosure: the terror that honesty about trauma will result in rejection, judgment, or abandonment. Howes describes feeling like his life was ending when he first opened up but eventually discovered peace, internal freedom, and ...

Patric Gagne and Lewis Howes discuss the roots and consequences of people-pleasing, exposing how unhealthy relationship patterns are often tied to deep-seated issues of self-worth and emotional regulation.

Defining People-Pleasing As Outsourced Emotional Regulation

People-pleasing, as Gagne defines, is the act of making others happy to feel good about oneself. This is not genuine care, but a strategy to gain approval, feel “liked,” and build self-esteem through external validation. Rather than cultivating internal value, wellbeing, and self-worth, people-pleasers rely on the approval and happiness of others—outsourcing their emotional regulation.

This dynamic is often perpetuated by toxic and normalized relationship concepts. Gagne highlights the phrase “You complete me” as especially damaging. This notion suggests that love’s purpose is to fill an internal void or to “fix” one’s self-esteem, shifting responsibility for individual emotional wellbeing onto a partner. Instead of learning to regulate emotions and appreciate oneself internally, people are led to believe someone else must fulfill those needs. Both Gagne and Howes point out that the expectation for a partner to “complete” you romanticizes an unhealthy dynamic where individuals forsake self-sufficiency in favor of constant external affirmation.

The Two-container Model of Healthy Relationships

Gagne uses the metaphor of “two containers” to illustrate a healthy relationship structure. The internal container represents an individual’s self-worth, self-confidence, emotional regulation, and overall wellbeing, and must be filled through personal reflection, growth, and self-care. Only the individual can fill this internal container—no partner or external force can do it.

The external container symbolizes partnership and interpersonal connection. It can be filled through love, support, and collaboration with others, but it cannot compensate for an empty internal container. Many people enter relationships expecting their partners to fill both their external and internal containers—seeking confidence, identity, emotional validation, and ongoing reassurance. This expectation is ultimately exhausting and impossible to fulfill, leading to cycles of disappointment, resentment, and codependence. As Gagne points out, “I can’t make you feel more confident…you need to make me feel better about myself” is a common but unsustainable expectation.

A relationship built on two full containers—two people who are internally secure and whole—creates a partnership founded on abundance and choice, not on neediness or emotional deficit.

How People-Pleasing Develops and Manifests

People-pleasing frequently has its roots in childhood. Children who lack self-worth, confidence, or emotional fulfillment often grow up seeking these essentials in relationships. When the environment does not teach self-love and internal validation, adults try to gain acceptance and security by adapting themselves to please others, even at the cost of authenticity.

This is manifested by shape-shifting—altering one’s preferences, boundaries, and responses for fear of being disliked or abandoned. Constantly monitoring others’ moods, wearing emotional masks, or ignoring one’s real needs leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a deep sense of self-abandonment—all for the sake of maintaining connection or securing approval. According to Gagne, many people-pleasers live in fear: “If you’re not liked by them or if they’re upset with you…you can’t regulate t ...

Patric Gagne and Lewis Howes discuss foundational strategies for raising emotionally healthy children, emphasizing safety, boundaries, and the acceptance of diverse emotional expressions.

Creating Safety for Authentic Emotional Expression

Gagne highlights the importance of ensuring children feel safe to express their emotions openly and honestly. She advises parents to ask, “How does it feel when you feel?” and to allow children to respond without censorship or correction. This question helps kids realize their feelings matter and gives them the opportunity to process emotions rather than hide them. Gagne cautions that many children have never been taught how to like or love themselves, and parents must be willing to let children fully express difficult emotions—even grief—without being told to suppress or minimize their feelings.

Parents should support their children’s emotions by listening rather than immediately trying to fix problems. Gagne warns that jumping too quickly to solutions teaches avoidance, rather than helping kids learn to sit with and process their thoughts and feelings over time. She notes this is particularly important for children with antisocial traits: allowing them to voice uncomfortable feelings, even if they express apathy or negativity, helps validate their experience and opens a dialogue grounded in curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.

Modeling Healthy Boundaries and Accountability

Children learn most from what parents model. Gagne stresses the impact of demonstrating healthy coping mechanisms and confidence, as children mimic behaviors they observe. She and Howes emphasize that children gain more from witnessing how parents resolve conflicts than from any lecture.

Modeling apologies is key; parents who admit mistakes and sincerely apologize show children that errors are human and can be repaired with honesty. Gagne says she frequently apologizes to her children and accepts their feedback if they feel dismissed or upset by her actions. Howes shares his own experiences of apologizing, explaining that it creates safety for everyone.

Establishing boundaries teaches children non-negotiable self-respect and respect for others. Gagne underscores the difference between aggression and assertiveness, advocating for calmly addressing disrespectful behavior and expecting the same from children. These consistent boundaries and repairs within relationships foster security and trust.

Teaching Children to Listen To Their Instincts

Gagne and Howes discuss teaching children to pay attention to how their bodies feel around people and in situations. Recognizing physical discomfort can serve as early warning signs of danger. Gagne recounts her own childhood when she picked up on unsettling feelings around a particular family member, stressing the importance of children being allowed to trust and act on those instincts.

Teaching children that “no” is a c ...

Lewis Howes and Patric Gagne explore the essential elements of personal transformation, focusing on the roles of awareness, resilience in the face of failure, a mindset of fulfillment, and living by an internal code of discipline over external regulation.

Awareness as the Foundation for all Change

When asked for a definition of greatness, both Lewis Howes and Patric Gagne agree: “Awareness.” Gagne stresses that eighty percent of personal transformation comes from recognizing recurring patterns, thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that shape one's choices. Change begins with the ability to observe rather than act unconsciously. According to Gagne, many people remain trapped by cycles of unaware decision-making linked to their own past trauma, unable to break free because they lack the awareness to see the origins of their habits and reactions.

By cultivating awareness, individuals can draw a direct line from historical experiences to current behavior, making the process of correction manageable. Gagne notes that unlike some therapists who might become overwhelmed by patients’ trauma, her own ability to contain such stories prevents further burden on the patient and breaks cycles of forced emotional suppression. Awareness, therefore, is not only clarity about oneself but creates new possibilities for acting differently.

Not Internalizing Failure as Personal Deficiency

Gagne identifies a key aspect of resilience: separating failure from personal identity. She shares that a psychopathic trait, unrealistic life goals, derives not from arrogance but from not internalizing failure. Gagne recounts her own experience writing a book—she set ambitious goals, and when told her aims were unrealistic, she insisted, “That’s what it’s going to be...I’ve decided.” For Gagne, setbacks do not become personal verdicts; failure is not a mark of being “bad or wrong.”

Both Gagne and Howes note that when most people fail, they internalize it as proof of inadequacy. This emotional entanglement with mistakes often prevents them from trying again or admitting error. In contrast, Gagne is able to acknowledge, “That was a failure,” without emotional attachment, making her more willing to take risks and learn. She points out that admitting wrongdoing or embarrassment holds no stigma, and she is unaffected by public opinion or the prospect of appearing foolish. For her, actions are events—not personal definitions—enabling consistent growth and resilience toward goals.

Operating From a Place Of Already Possessing Goals

Gagne describes another psychopathic trait—the conviction of already possessing what one desires. Instead of striving with desperation or fear, she operates with the certainty that her objectives are already hers, explaining, “It’s no, it’s already mine. I already have it, it’s just a matter of time before you understand that I already have it...” This removes anxiety and the sense of lack, making success feel inevitable and freeing individuals from seeking permission or fearing judgment. This mindset creates clarity to handle obstacles, as people are no ...