A Divorce Lawyer on the Small Things That End Marriages | James Sexton

James Sexton describes marriage not as an inherently romantic concept, but as a technology—a human-devised solution intended to solve problems within society. While often celebrated and considered a cultural milestone, the legal and structural realities of marriage contracts carry unintended consequences, which stem from their origins and the ways society continues to use them.

Marriage Began As a Legal Tool to Consolidate Wealth and Power, Not For Romantic Love

Historically, Marriage Functioned As a Property Transaction With Women Exchanged to Preserve Land and Unite Clans

Sexton explains that marriage was originally created during a period when women were considered property. Its primary function was to consolidate wealth, preserve land holdings, and unite powerful families. Marriages served as property transactions, where daughters could be exchanged for livestock or other valuables—a practice still observed in some cultures today. The “Game of Thrones mentality” operated: people married for alliances, not for love. This legal technology solidified agreements among clans and protected assets, while women had little agency in the process.

20th Century Media, Entertainment, and Advertising Promote Marriage as Romantic Institution

By the early 20th century, mass media, movies, and advertising began reshaping public perceptions of marriage. The narrative shifted, portraying marriage as fundamentally about love and romance. Courtship and weddings became events celebrated for their emotional highs. Movies provided a dreamlike model, emphasizing the excitement of early romance but overlooking the realism of sustaining a lifelong union.

Modern Marriage's Outdated Frameworks Clash With Today's Equality and Shared Decision-Making Expectations

Despite both men and women now being equals in relationships, with autonomy and independent value, the legal framework of marriage has barely changed. Sexton notes that marriage’s original design—rooted in patriarchy, land preservation, and property rights—now sits awkwardly in societies that expect equality, shared decision-making, and individual fulfillment. Marriage equality, including for same-sex couples, grants access to this legacy technology, even as it raises new questions about personal desires and societal expectations regarding marriage.

Marriage Creates Benefits and Problems, Requiring Couples to Understand Their Contractual Scope

Technology Solves Problems but Creates New Ones, Like a Mug For Drinks That Requires Cleaning, Storage, and Is Breakable

Sexton compares marriage to everyday technologies like a mug: it’s designed to solve a problem (e.g., holding hot tea), but it creates new issues, such as cleaning or breakage. Similarly, marriage is supposed to solve problems like loneliness or legal protection, yet unanticipated obligations and liabilities also emerge.

Marriage's Main Benefit Is Connection and Intimacy, yet Many Couples Enter Without Assessing if It Will Solve Loneliness or Sexual Satisfaction

One main benefit of marriage is supposed to be connection and intimacy. However, Sexton observes that many couples marry hoping to solve loneliness or to guarantee sexual satisfaction—only to find those issues unresolved. As Sexton notes, being married is no more a guarantee of having more sex than living near a restaurant guarantees being fed. Most couples don’t ask themselves critical questions about why they’re marrying or what they hope marriage will fix.

Marriage Shares Assets and Liabilities, Creating Financial Obligations Couples Often Don't Understand

The legal contract of marriage fundamentally alters property and financial arrangements. Upon marrying, individuals effectively opt out of a system where property is owned solely by whomever is named on the title, and instead enroll in a regime of joint ownership and responsibility. Any asset or debt acquired by one spouse can become shared. For example, if one buys an expensive watch or racks up a credit card debt, both spouses can be considered to own or owe half. Most people have little awareness of this reset of financial boundaries.

Marriage Enrolls Couples in Spousal Support Systems Requiring one Partner to Support the Other Post-Divorce, With Payments Varying By State

Marriage also opts couples into spousal support systems. If a couple divorce ...

James Sexton, drawing on nearly two decades as a divorce attorney, argues that couples must become more proactive in learning about the realities of marriage before taking their vows. He, alongside Lewis Howes, lays out an educational and preventative framework that can help couples avoid the unnecessary pain so many experience.

Couples Marry Without Education on Legal, Financial, and Relational Realities

Sexton observes that getting married is unlike any other life event in terms of legal significance, yet it is strikingly bereft of educational or disclosure requirements. He compares marriage to signing up for the terms of service on an app but without understanding the consequences, even though marriage can impact major aspects of life—ranging from finances (such as half of a 401k) to property and custody of children. When buying a house, one receives lead paint disclosures, loan disclosures, and has the legal implications spelled out. However, when marrying—a legal step as impactful as dying—there is not even a basic pamphlet to explain the legal and financial implications.

Prenuptial Agreements as Essential Educational Tools, Not Pessimistic Precautions

Sexton notes a rise in prenuptial agreements, emphasizing that more couples are seeking them and that it is “absolutely smart” for everyone, regardless of wealth or romance, to have one. For Sexton, a prenup isn’t merely a pessimistic safeguard; it’s an educational tool and a prompt for important conversations. Just as people don’t plan on dying but have wills and life insurance, they should prepare for all marriage outcomes—whether ending in death or divorce—by establishing clear expectations and protections through a prenup.

Engaged Couples Should Consult a Divorce Lawyer to Understand Marriage's Legal Consequences, Including Property Division, Spousal Support, and Tax Implications

Sexton strongly suggests that every engaged couple should have a proactive, prophylactic hour-long consultation with a divorce lawyer. This meeting should educate them on what exactly changes when they marry: how property ownership shifts, what financial obligations arise, and specifics around property division and spousal support. He cites the example of child support exposure—17% of gross income for one child, 25% for two in New York State—figures most couples simply aren’t aware of before marrying. Such sessions, in Sexton's experience, would leave couples far better informed about the true nature and potential consequences of the marital contract.

Honest Talks on Expectations Are Needed Before Marriage to Avoid Resentment

Sexton stresses candid discussions about practical, daily, and emotional aspects of life before tying the knot, describing such preparation as “preventative maintenance.” He encourages couples to ask the bare minimum about lifestyle habits like bedtime routines and how clean the house needs to be, finances, attitudes toward debt, and crucially, expectations around sex. These are not minor details but the very conditions that underpin satisfaction and compatibility when sharing a life.

Compatibility Questions: Essential For Serving Needs and Avoiding Resentment Wars

Sexton insists that understanding a partner’s expectations on intimacy, finances, and routines allows couples to serve each other’s needs and avoid the resentment wars that can fester when needs are unmet or unknown. For example, honest discussion about the frequency of sex desired is vital—not as a romantic dealbreaker, but as a way to openly discuss what “satisfaction” looks like, and to have benchmarks for checking-in throughout the marriage. As Sexton notes, it is only by communicating such needs and checking if one is meeting them that partners can avoid the surprises and resentments that often follow silence.

Discussing Conflict Communication Prevents Misunderstandings From Becoming Relationship-Threatening Arguments

Beyond habits and preferences, Sexton highlights the importance of talking openly about how each partner communicates during conflict. By addressing how to signal grievances or resolve tension, couples gain essential tools for transforming the inevitable misunderstandings of marriage into manageable, non-threatening conversations, rather than relationship-ending arguments.

Learn From Others' Experiences, Not Societal Marriage Myths

Sexton and Howes emphasize the value of learning from real experiences—both successful and failed—rather than relying on romanticized media depictions or societal myths.

Long-Married Couples’ Thriving Relationships Are Rarer yet More Valuable Than Media Narratives

Sexton notes that the best education comes ...

James Sexton argues that at the heart of every marriage is a desire for connection, not just dramatic moments or grand gestures. He emphasizes that ongoing, everyday acts of attention and intimacy are critical to sustaining relationships and preventing their gradual decline, which he famously calls “death by a thousand paper cuts.”

Small Gestures and Attentiveness Erode, Not Dramatic Events, as the True Cause of Divorce

Sexton contends that most marriages fail not because of a single dramatic event, but from an accumulation of small, seemingly insignificant acts of neglect. He points to examples such as not buying a spouse’s favorite granola—something his role model couples would never forget—as the kind of small kindness that signals care and attentiveness. When these gestures disappear, it marks a significant withdrawal of attention. One client recalled that realizing her husband had repeatedly forgotten to replace her granola was the moment she knew the relationship was psychologically ending, even a year before their actual divorce.

Sexton stresses that the disconnection that creeps into a marriage is often missed at the time and only truly recognized in hindsight. These small disconnections are what truly erode a partnership, rather than open conflict. He describes that real marital crises are often preceded by gradual disconnection, rather than fierce fights or betrayals. If paying attention feels like hard work, Sexton warns, then marriage itself will always be hard.

Sexual Intimacy Differentiates Romantic From Platonic Partnerships

Sexton draws a clear line between intimacy in marriage and in friendship: Sex is what distinguishes a married or romantic partnership from mere friendship or cohabitation. While it is possible to be deeply emotionally intimate without sex—as friends can be—he asserts that sexual intimacy is a unique and essential way partners sustain closeness and distinguish their relationship.

He notes that sex is “the glue” that holds marriage together and that partnership without sex risks devolving into a roommate relationship. He also highlights that when couples go without sexual contact for extended periods—six months, three years, or even eight—resentment and the urge to seek connection elsewhere become almost inevitable. Sexton emphasizes that while partners rarely openly discuss this misalignment, couples lacking sexual contact can’t fairly claim betrayal if one seeks intimacy elsewhere, especially in the absence of conversation or effort to address the distance.

Desire, Sexton says, fades with repetition—a phenomenon worsened by couples relying only on their “greatest hits” in the bedroom, rather than introducing variety. Repeating the same acts that once brought satisfaction eventually leads to boredom, reducing both desire and attraction.

Open Communication About Sexual Needs Maintains Long-Term Intimacy

Sexton advocates for open and direct communication about sexual preferences and needs as the cornerstone for maintaining long-term intimacy. He observes that many people expect their partners to intuitively know their desires, but this expectation is unrealistic and counterproductive. Instead, he recommends identifying one’s own needs and discussing them, to avoid resentment or seeking fulfillment outside the partnership.

To facilitate these difficult conversations, Sexton suggests a strategy: communicate about new ideas or issues outside of moments of conflict or intimacy (for example, via a thoughtful email rather than during sex or an argument). He says this approach allows both partners to process feedback calmly and prevents defensiveness. Gradual variation rather than abrupt change should be the goal: gently introduce something new, gauge a partner’s reaction, and disc ...

James Sexton identifies the primary causes of divorce as infidelity, financial stress, and indifference—a gradual erosion of connection—stressing that underlying all of these is a breakdown in honest communication.

Infidelity Stems From Uncommunicated Unmet Needs For Intimacy and Connection

Sexton asserts that infidelity is often the top reason couples divorce. He notes that cheating is rarely about wanting a new partner, but rather about seeking to fulfill unmet needs, such as sexual novelty, feeling desired, or emotional admiration. Sexton emphasizes that couples almost never share their true sexual desires with each other before marriage. He argues, “if you don’t share every sexual desire you have with the one person you’re allowed to have sex with you’re an idiot, because you’re either going to go without it or you’re going to go elsewhere to get it, then resent it.” Cheating, he points out, often happens when one partner lacks either the courage or the communication skills to express unmet needs, pushing them to seek outside fulfillment instead and unintentionally causing significant problems in their sexual relationships.

Financial Stress Induces Divorce When Couples Avoid Honest Conversations About Money, Debt, and Spending Values

Financial stress is listed as the second most common cause of divorce. Sexton advises that the best prevention is upfront candor—having honest discussions about finances before getting married. He asserts that avoiding tough conversations about debt, saving habits, investment risk, and financial autonomy will almost inevitably lead to discord when financial crises occur, often at the worst possible moments. Transparency can make even serious financial problems manageable, but secrecy or hidden indebtedness erodes trust and becomes a threat to the marriage. According to Sexton, once financial stress is present—whether due to unforeseen layoffs, medical issues, or other crises—the only way to cope is with “candor, courage, honesty, fearlessness, bluntness.” Couples who fail to communicate about finances often find themselves “two people that signed on for the same task that now have completely lost the plot.”

Indifference: The Deepest Form of Marital Failure

Sexton argues that the deepest and most fatal form of marital breakdown is not hate, but indifference. Hate, he says, is at least a passionate emotion that reflects engagement; the true opposite of love is indifference—the absence of caring. He recalls a line from Casablanca as the epitome of this mindset: ...

Marriage, often viewed through the lens of grand romance and soulmate narratives, is undergoing a crucial re-evaluation. James Sexton urges a shift from mythic idealism to pragmatic analysis, contending that sustainable marriages are built on compatibility, continual evolution, and conscious effort, while also validating non-traditional relationship paths.

Marriage as a Practical Arrangement, Not Soulmate Destiny

Sexton argues that the popular soulmate narrative discourages people from asking pragmatic questions early on, pushing them to assume that long-term success is guaranteed if there’s initial attraction and chemistry. This cultural script makes it taboo to talk openly about core compatibility issues, such as sexual expectations or financial habits, even though these are central to a healthy partnership.

He draws a parallel between choosing a spouse and choosing a vehicle: people tend to research cars thoroughly, considering how they’ll handle changing needs across decades. If forced to select a single car for life, most would choose practicality over flashiness—yet fewer people apply this same long-term thinking to marriage. The car analogy is extended by a client who compared their string of marriages to trading in cars as needs and preferences changed, illustrating that not every relationship is meant for every stage of life.

Sexton emphasizes the importance of honestly considering what problem marriage is meant to solve in one’s life—not just what’s attractive now. He encourages young people, including his own children, to think about predictable life changes—aging, having children, illness, facing hardships—and whether a potential partner will be compatible in those circumstances. The goal isn’t to eliminate romance, but to engage in a deeper, more honest vetting process than most currently do.

Successful Partnerships Require Co-evolution and Recognizing Significant Divergence

Sexton notes that many couples who marry young later discover profound differences in values, interests, or lifestyles that weren’t apparent at the outset. As years pass, partners may feel pressure to stay together merely to avoid the stigma of divorce, even when significant divergence appears—such as one person wanting to travel while the other prefers staying home, or simply falling out of shared interests.

A more mature perspective, Sexton says, is to acknowledge that humans inevitably change over decades. The person you marry at 20 may not be compatible with who you become at 50. Instead of “white-knuckling” through deep incompatibility or feeling obligated to mask your authentic self, Sexton suggests that sometimes, the highest form of respect is to part ways intentionally and amicably.

He refers to the concept of “conscious uncoupling,” where ending a marriage is not viewed as a failure but as an opportunity for growth and renewal. He describes his own experience with divorce as profoundly respectful and supportive, with both partners leaving the marriage as better people, continuing to co-parent, and supporting one another’s future families. Sexton urges society to normalize this approach, arguing that amicable, growth-oriented closures are common but under-discussed because lingering conflict, not peaceful endings, tends to dominate the cultural narrative.

Success in Marriage Requires Effort, Not the Absence of Conflict

Sexton cautions against the belief that marriage should be effortless. Believing that the right marriage is free from conflict sets unrealistic expectations and leads to disappointment. Instead, long-term marriage requires active communication, noticing and responding to each other’s emotions, remembering ...