Why You Feel Stuck and How to Actually Change | Dr. Katy Milkman

Katy Milkman, a behavioral scientist, details several internal psychological mechanisms that create resistance to change, even when people recognize the need for it. These barriers create persistent patterns of inertia, impulsivity, and forgetfulness, making meaningful personal transformation difficult to start or maintain.

Status Quo Bias and Escalation Trap In Unfulfilling Situations

Status Quo Bias: Tendency to Stay On Path Despite Dissatisfaction

Status quo bias is a well-documented internal barrier. Milkman explains it as the tendency to stick with whatever path one is on, perceiving any deviation as a potential loss. This keeps people "stuck in the mud," causing them to persist in unsatisfying routines and relationships simply because these are familiar or less intimidating than uncertainty or change. People may remain in unfulfilling relationships, not due to happiness, but because discomfort or frustration is less daunting than the unknown or being alone.

Escalation of Commitment Leads to Focus On Sunk Costs Over Future Benefits

Closely related to status quo bias is the escalation of commitment. This bias, Milkman explains, is the tendency to stay with a course of action due to the resources (time, emotion, or effort) already invested—so-called sunk costs. Individuals may feel trapped by the years they've devoted to a job, a relationship, or a habit, viewing the idea of abandoning it as a waste. However, Milkman stresses that those costs are irrecoverable regardless of future actions, and urges people to focus on future costs and benefits instead.

Biases Create Resistance to Change Despite Awareness

Even when people are aware of these psychological patterns, both biases keep them resisting change. Milkman categorizes status quo bias and escalation of commitment as "sister-brother" tendencies, each reinforcing the other and trapping individuals in situations that no longer serve them.

Impulsivity Prioritizes Immediate Gratification Over Long-Term Benefits

Impulsivity Prioritizes Immediate Rewards Like Unhealthy Eating or Task Avoidance Over Delayed Benefits

Another robust barrier is impulsivity, which bolsters the focus on instant gratification at the expense of larger, long-term gains. Examples include choosing the pleasure of unhealthy eating, the immediate relief of avoiding a difficult task, or the excitement of shopping instead of saving for retirement. People are wired to overvalue present experiences, making it difficult to appreciate long-term benefits.

Procrastination Links to Impulsivity as People Delay Tasks That Seem Unrewarding Despite Supporting Long-Term Goals

Procrastination is a related barrier. Milkman admits to deferring tasks critical to her long-term health or well-being in favor of professional obligations, which provide immediate satisfaction. She describes the struggle as a contest between "wants" and "shoulds": "wants" promise instant pleasure, while "shoulds" support lasting benefits but lack immediate reward. Impulsivity tilts the scale toward wants, while procrastination puts off the less pleasurable but necessary shoulds.

Present Satisfaction Focus Hinders Future Change

This overemphasis on present satisfaction hinders any attempts to initiate or sustain future-oriented changes. Milkman points out that this is how people are inherently wired—valuing current pleasure and underappreciating future rewards—and this explains why mistakes in prioritizing present satisfaction over lasting well-being are so common.

Forgetting Prevents Follow-Through on Important Intentions

Forgetting Occurs When People Delay Prioritizing Important Tasks

Simple forgetfulness is another major barrier. Peop ...

Researchers Katy Milkman and Lewis Howes discuss evidence-based strategies for overcoming personal and behavioral barriers to change. Their conversation provides actionable methods derived from psychology and behavioral economics that help make difficult goals achievable and boost follow-through.

Fresh Starts Capitalize On Moments of New Beginnings

Milkman explains that "fresh starts" leverage moments of transition—like a birthday, a new year, a vacation, or even achieving a major career milestone—as natural opportunities to reflect on the big picture and initiate change. These chapter breaks prompt people to step back and ask themselves, "What do I want to do next?" The psychological distance from a past self, facilitated by events like turning a certain age, obtaining tenure, or ending a relationship, allows individuals to detach from previous failures and identify with a new personal narrative.

Physical or environmental changes, such as moving to a new home or job, also reinforce these fresh starts by disrupting the cues and routines tied to old habits. Milkman shares research by Wendy Wood showing that greater disruption—like transferring to a new college—helps people break unhelpful patterns more than minor shifts do. People naturally organize memories into chapters, such as college years or a period living in a certain city, and these chapter breaks foster introspection and renewed optimism, motivating more successful goal pursuit.

Breaking Goals Into Daily or Weekly Steps Makes Them Achievable and Reduces Procrastination

Milkman emphasizes the importance of breaking large goals into smaller, more manageable steps. Many people set ambitious goals but fail to clarify what actionable steps they need to take weekly or daily. Framing goals in bite-sized terms makes them seem more attainable and less overwhelming, which in turn reduces procrastination.

For example, studies show that asking people to save $5 a day, instead of $150 a month—even though the sum is the same—increases participation rates dramatically, as the daily goal feels much more doable. When students were reminded to volunteer four hours per week rather than 200 hours a year, their engagement greatly improved. Applying this principle involves specifying what should be accomplished in the next day or week instead of focusing only on distant outcomes. This approach enables steady progress and frequent feelings of achievement, further maintaining motivation.

Enjoyable Goal Paths Through Temptation Bundling Improve Persistence

One key strategy for overcoming aversion and boosting persistence is "temptation bundling"—pairing a desirable activity with a task that’s typically avoided. Milkman gives personal examples, such as only allowing herself to listen to gripping audio novels while working out, making exercise more enjoyable and something to look forward to. Howes echoes the idea, suggesting he would only watch favorite shows like The Kardashians while moving at the gym.

Temptation bundling can be applied elsewhere, such as reserving podcast time for cooking, pairing socializing with walks, or saving certain snacks for study sessions. Randomized controlled trials confirm that linking chores to pleasures increases the likelihood of following through, especially for tasks that lack instant gratification. Enjoyable goal pathways lead to better outcomes than simply relying on willpower, as fun sustains persistence over the long term.

If-then Planning Triggers Automatic Responses

Structured planning via "if-then" statements is another scientifically supported tool for automating behaviors. Instead of vague intentions, people create a plan that links an anticipated cue (the "if") to a specific action (the "then"): for example, "If it is Thursday at 4pm, then I will run at the park."

Milkman describes experiments by Peter Gollwitzer and others showing that if-then plans significan ...

Social support and community play a fundamental role in shaping self-belief, building confidence, and achieving personal goals. The environment created by mentors, peers, coaches, and accountability partners forms the backbone of sustainable motivation and growth.

The Right People Shape Your Self-Belief and Capabilities

Social Environment Shapes Confidence and Self-Perception

Katy Milkman emphasizes that the people you surround yourself with have a significant impact on whether or not you believe in yourself. Research supports the idea that your social context—the colleagues you work with, teammates you train with, or friends you socialize with—communicates what’s acceptable and achievable. The attitudes and achievements in your social network create powerful norms about what is possible, which in turn shape your own confidence and self-perception.

Associating With Goal-Achievers Creates a Powerful Demonstration Effect Where You Internalize the Belief That if They Can Do It, You Can Too

Both Milkman and Lewis Howes discuss the demonstrative effect of surrounding yourself with ambitious, goal-achieving people. For instance, Milkman formed an "advice club" with peers at similar professional stages, where sharing advice and witnessing each other's success fosters a belief that each member can achieve great things if others in the group do so. This phenomenon is echoed in athletics, where training alongside others who set and pursue high goals helps internalize the belief that if they can do it, you can too.

Consciously Curating Your Social Circle Boosts Sustainable Confidence

Consciously curating your circle to include supportive, positive, and encouraging people makes it easier to sustain confidence. Milkman advises actively seeking out people who embody the attitudes and qualities you aspire to emulate. Red flags include friends who disparage your goals or discourage you from trying, which can erode confidence and hinder growth.

Mentors Build Confidence Through Practices Fostering Psychological Safety and Growth

Mentors Who Treat Mentees Like Family and Communicate Belief in Their Potential Create an Environment Where People Feel Supported to Take Risks and Pursue Ambitious Goals

Milkman shares the example of her dissertation advisor, Max Bazerman, who treated his students like family, offered consistent positive reinforcement, and expressed belief in their abilities. This nurturing environment gave mentees the psychological safety to pursue ambitious goals and take risks. Bazerman’s long track record of students earning tenure at elite institutions traces back to this supportive approach.

Mentoring Circles: Seniors Advise Juniors; Juniors Coach Peers, Boosting Confidence and Competence Through Helping Others

Mentoring circles form another structure for confidence-building, where senior students mentor juniors and all levels are encouraged to advise peers. These circles instill responsibility in advisors, while juniors benefit from guidance and model the achievement of seniors. Milkman notes that these structured environments let everyone “coach each other on how they would solve problems,” which builds competence and confidence at all levels.

Mutual Confidence-Building Through Advice and Belief

Mutual solicitation and giving of advice reinforces belief in each other’s abilities. When members of a peer group or “advice club” ask for help, they explicitly communicate trust in each other's competence. This practice is reciprocally affirming: asking for help shows belief in others, and giving advice boosts confidence in one’s own understanding and skills.

Coaching Builds Confidence More Than Giving Advice

Coaching Reveals Personal Knowledge and Problem-Solving Abilities

Coaching, as opposed to merely giving advice, allows individuals to realize and apply their own wisdom. Milkman references research showing that coaching others leads people to introspect and discover knowledge they might not apply to themselves. When providing solutions to others, people recognize their problem-solving capabilities, which increases their self-confidence.

Conveys Trust in Competence vs. Suggests Lack of Capability

Asking someone to coach rather than just listen to advice conveys trust in their competence. As Milkman explains, giving advice to someone can imply “you haven’t gotten your stuff toget ...

Katy Milkman and Lewis Howes discuss research-backed strategies for habit formation and sustained behavior change. Their conversation highlights the importance of flexibility, progress tracking, psychological reserves, and the use of time blocks and constraints as commitment devices.

Flexible Backup Plans Enhance Habit Formation and Sustained Behavior Change

Milkman emphasizes that rigid routines do not reflect how habits or skills are built in the real world or in athletics. Instead, systems need to account for variable circumstances, building in flexibility to ensure progress even when disruptions arise.

Google Study: Rigid Gym Schedules Lead To Higher Dropout Rates / Athletic Training in Variable Circumstances

Milkman describes a Google experiment involving 2,500 employees attempting to create lasting exercise habits. One group was told to exercise only at a chosen "ideal" time (like 7 a.m.), receiving rewards for consistency. Though 85% of their initial workouts stuck to this schedule, when the structured support ended, this group's adherence dropped significantly—they rarely made up missed sessions. In contrast, a second group was told to pick an ideal time but encouraged to exercise at other times as needed. They were less consistent during the initial phase, but after the handholding period, they were more likely to sustain the habit. This research shows flexible systems are more effective for long-term behavior change, as they prepare people for real-world setbacks and variability, much like athletes who train under changing conditions.

Building Flexibility Into Systems

Successful systems feature a primary method and secondary options, so when disruptions happen, efforts continue rather than fall apart. Flexibility, not rigidity, is key to forming habits that withstand life's curveballs.

Tracking Progress Boosts Visibility, Enables Rewards, and Makes Goals Measurable

Tracking is crucial for making progress concrete, visible, and rewarding. Milkman explains that without knowing whether goals are being achieved, it's hard to reward oneself and strengthen the habit loop.

Progress Visibility Boosts Goal Achievement

When goals and progress are visible, individuals can self-reward and feel accountability. Milkman notes research where water conservation improved simply because people could see real-time feedback on water usage during showers, making the abstract goal tangible. Similarly, step counters like Fitbit provide immediate feedback and small celebrations (like vibrations) upon reaching targets, which gamifies progress and boosts satisfaction.

Gamification With Real-Time Feedback

Gamified tracking—even without elaborate features—helps people monitor their performance. Visible metrics, be it gallons of water used or daily steps counted, transform intentions into measurable, incremental targets, encouraging steady progress and preventing stagnation or abandonment.

Creating Reserves Prevents the What-The-hell Effect Where Failures Trigger Abandonment

A recurring obstacle to goal achievement is the "what-the-hell effect," where one failure cascades into giving up entirely. Milkman discusses Marissa Sharif’s research at Wharton, which demonstrates that creating "emergency reserves" outperforms more moderate goals even when the total capacity is the same.

7-Day Goals With 2 Emergency Reserves Outperform 5-Day Goals

By setting an ambitious seven-day-a-week target but allowing for two emergency "get out of jail free" days, people perform better than those who simply set a five-day goal. This structure encourages persistent striving while p ...

Katy Milkman and Lewis Howes emphasize that sustainable behavioral change is most effective when rooted in a structured framework that identifies specific barriers and matches strategies accordingly. Rather than randomly applying different tools or "off-the-shelf" tactics, it's essential to understand what is actually holding you back and tailor your approach to those obstacles.

Identify Barriers Before Applying Behavior Change Tools

Identifying Key Barriers: Impulsivity, Low Confidence, Procrastination, Forgetting

Milkman organizes her book around the idea that progress comes from recognizing key barriers such as impulsivity, low confidence, procrastination, or simply forgetting. For instance, if the problem is dreading a task, introducing fun can be a solution. If low confidence is the issue, reworking your social structure and supports may be required. Procrastination might call for commitment devices or systems that impose consequences for delays.

Self-Diagnosis: Recognize and Analyze Patterns of Failure

Self-diagnosis is central. Milkman points out that many people may lack awareness of the true nature of their hindrances; someone may not realize they are procrastinating or may overestimate their confidence. However, understanding these barriers is not especially prone to self-deception—by looking at simple behavioral patterns or reflecting on the book's outlined barriers, individuals can quickly spot where they struggle, such as consistently choosing the path of least resistance or reverting to bad habits.

Matching Barriers to Targeted Interventions Yields Better Outcomes Than Averaging All Together

Milkman warns against "averaging" all solutions and instead advocates for precision—matching specific barriers to corresponding interventions. Creating tailored structures and strategies is more effective than using generic advice. An individualized approach, such as building systems to support weak points (for example, using reminders for forgetfulness or accountability partners for impulsivity), will lead to better behavioral outcomes.

Recovering From Failure Without Severe Self-Judgment Needs Support and Reframing

Research on Failure Recovery Remains Limited Despite Its Importance, as Most People Fail At Ambitious Goals and Their Ability to Bounce Back Determines Success

Recovering from failure is critically important but remains understudied. Milkman notes that ambitious goals often result in setbacks, and the ability to bounce back—rather than avoid failure altogether—is a determinant of long-term success. Most people face failure when attempting something difficult, yet many fail to recover, halted by self-judgment or deflation.

Flexibility, Growth Mindset, and Social Support Aid Recovery By Reframing Failure

Key to recovery is flexibility: having backup plans and “emergency reserves” allows for self-forgiveness and quick adaptation when life’s curve balls disrupt progress. A growth mindset also helps, reframing failure as an opportunity to learn rather than as a negative reflection on the self. Social support further bolsters confidence to try again, providing encouragement and perspective in the face of setbacks.

Resilien ...