Why You're Afraid to Share (And What It's Costing You) | Leslie John
In this episode of The School of Greatness, host Lewis Howes and Leslie John explore the relationship between emotional intelligence and personal connections. Through their own experiences, they examine how the ability to understand and express emotions affects relationship dynamics, with John sharing insights from her divorce and Howes discussing his journey with feelings of inadequacy.
The discussion delves into strategies for developing emotional literacy through therapy, introspection, and communication. John and Howes address the balance between vulnerability and boundaries in relationships, highlighting how fear of sharing can create emotional distance. They examine research showing that even long-term couples frequently misinterpret their partner's thoughts and feelings, underscoring the importance of open communication in maintaining healthy relationships.
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1-Page Summary
Emotional Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
In this episode, Leslie John and Lewis Howes explore the critical role of emotional intelligence (EQ) in personal growth and relationships. John shares her personal experience of how dismissing her emotions contributed to her divorce, emphasizing that understanding and validating emotions is crucial for healthy relationships.
Impact on Relationships and Personal Growth
Howes discusses his journey of dealing with feelings of inadequacy despite outward success, while John references a study showing that even long-term couples incorrectly guess their partner's thoughts and feelings about 80% of the time. Both speakers emphasize how emotional literacy, achieved through therapy, introspection, and open communication, is essential for self-awareness and relationship success.
Open Communication and Vulnerability
The speakers advocate for authentic self-revelation as a way to deepen relationships. John shares how confronting difficult feelings with her mother strengthened their bond, while Howes discusses his agreement with his wife to communicate without anger. They emphasize that the fear of "over-sharing" can hinder meaningful connections, and suggest that vulnerability often encourages reciprocal openness from others.
Finding Balance in Self-Disclosure
Both speakers discuss the importance of context and timing in sharing personal information. Howes describes learning to set better personal boundaries, while John emphasizes the need for "disclosure flexibility" - adapting one's openness based on the situation. They warn that chronic under-sharing can lead to emotional distance in relationships, as evidenced by John's experience with her previous marriage and Howes's past struggles with maintaining genuine connections.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- Emotional intelligence is important, but it is not the only factor in personal growth and relationship success; other factors such as shared values, interests, and life goals also play significant roles.
- While dismissing emotions can be harmful, it is also possible to overemphasize emotions in a way that can be detrimental to decision-making and problem-solving.
- The claim that people misinterpret their partner's thoughts and feelings 80% of the time may not account for the complexity of communication and the fact that some couples may have a higher level of understanding due to better communication skills or more experience with each other.
- Therapy and introspection are valuable tools for developing emotional literacy, but they may not be accessible or appealing to everyone; alternative methods such as mindfulness, meditation, or self-help resources can also contribute to emotional growth.
- Authentic self-revelation is generally positive, but there are situations where too much vulnerability can be inappropriate or even harmful, such as in professional settings or with individuals who may exploit that vulnerability.
- Communication without anger is an ideal, but it is natural for emotions like anger to arise in relationships; the key may be to manage and express anger in healthy ways rather than to suppress it entirely.
- The fear of over-sharing is sometimes justified, as sharing too much too soon can overwhelm others or lead to breaches of privacy.
- While vulnerability can encourage openness, it is not always reciprocated, and some individuals may not respond positively to vulnerability due to their own discomfort or issues.
- Context and timing are indeed important, but the text does not address how individuals can effectively gauge the appropriate level of self-disclosure in different situations.
- Setting personal boundaries is crucial, but overly rigid boundaries can also impede intimacy and connection in relationships.
- Disclosure flexibility is valuable, but it requires a high level of social and emotional skills that not everyone may possess.
- Chronic under-sharing can lead to emotional distance, but in some cases, individuals may need to under-share to protect themselves from toxic or abusive relationships.
- Past experiences of under-sharing are not universally applicable, and some individuals may find that a more private approach to relationships works better for them.
Actionables
- You can create an "emotion diary" to track your feelings and reactions throughout the day, which can help you become more aware of your emotional patterns and triggers. By noting down the emotions you experience, the context in which they occur, and your responses, you'll start to see patterns that can inform how you manage your emotions and interact with others. For example, if you notice you often feel anxious before meetings, you might decide to practice deep breathing exercises beforehand to calm your nerves.
- Develop a "vulnerability pact" with a close friend or partner where you both agree to share something personal or difficult about yourselves once a week. This practice encourages mutual openness and can strengthen your emotional bond. For instance, you might share an insecurity about your work, while your friend shares a personal challenge they're facing. This exchange not only fosters deeper understanding but also creates a safe space for both of you to be authentic.
- Implement a "communication mood meter" with your partner or family members where each person can indicate their current emotional state using a simple scale or set of colors. This visual tool can help prevent misinterpretations by providing a clear, non-verbal way to express how you're feeling at any given moment. For example, a red color could indicate anger or frustration, yellow could mean you're feeling anxious or unsettled, and green could signal that you're in a good mood and open to conversation.
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Emotional Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
Emotional awareness and emotional intelligence (EQ) are critical for personal growth and successful relationships, as discussed by Leslie John and Lewis Howes through their personal reflections and the examination of various studies.
Importance of Understanding and Validating Emotions
Leslie John highlights the significant role that understanding and validating emotions plays in our lives, particularly in relationships and decision-making.
Emotionally Inexpressive Individuals Struggle In Relationships and Decision-Making
John reflects on her own experience of not engaging with her emotions, which led to difficulties in her marriage and ultimately contributed to her divorce. She notes that she should not have gotten married without recognizing her own emotional needs and understanding her emotions. John admits that previously dismissing her feelings and needs resulted in her suppressing her desires for romantic excitement in a partner.
Impact Of Lacking Emotional Intelligence on Relationships
Both Leslie John and Lewis Howes discuss the negative consequences of a lack of emotional intelligence on relationships.
Emotional Unawareness Causes Conflicts and Misunderstandings in Relationships
Howes speaks about his internal feelings of inadequacy despite outward success and his journey to understand human dynamics and behavior. John recounts a study where long-term couples in a lab guessed their spouse's thoughts and feelings but were wrong about 80% of the time, highlighting the gap in emotional awareness that can lead to misunderstandings in relationships.
John also shares how her inability to communicate her emotions led to misunderstandings and conflicts, a symptom of not honoring or validating her emotions. She mentions the challenges faced when someone doesn't share their feelings, which could be due to a lack of emotional awareness or being reserved, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings.
Emotional Literacy For Self-Awareness and Growth
The conversation delves into how emotional literacy is a key component for self-awareness and personal devel ...
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Emotional Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
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Counterarguments
- Emotional intelligence is not the only factor in successful relationships; other elements such as shared values, interests, and life goals also play a significant role.
- Some individuals may be naturally less expressive and still maintain healthy relationships by finding alternative ways to communicate and connect with their partners.
- The concept of emotional intelligence can be culturally biased, as different cultures have varying norms regarding emotional expression and communication.
- Emotional literacy and the ability to articulate emotions are important, but they do not guarantee that the emotions themselves will be managed effectively.
- The effectiveness of tools like emotional wheels can vary from person to person; not everyone may find them helpful in understanding or articulating their emotions.
- Open communication about emotions is generally beneficial, but there may be situations where discretion or privacy is more appropriate for the health of a relationship.
- Teaching children to articulate their emotions is valuable, but it should be balanced with teaching them to respect others' emotional boundaries and to understand that not all emotions need to be shared or acted upon.
- The assumption that emotionally inexpressive individuals struggle in relationships may overlook the ...
Actionables
- Create a daily "emotion journal" to track your feelings and triggers, helping you become more aware of your emotional patterns. Start by writing down at least one emotion you felt strongly each day and what you think caused it. Over time, you'll start to see patterns in your emotional responses and can begin to address the underlying causes or work on strategies to manage them more effectively.
- Develop a "feelings vocabulary" by listing new emotion words weekly, aiming to expand your emotional expression. Use a thesaurus or emotion-focused resources to find new words that describe subtle variations of feelings. Practice using these words in your daily conversations or journaling to become more precise in expressing your emotions, which can lead to better self-understanding and communication with others.
- Initiate a "listening partnership" with a friend where you ...
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Open Communication and Vulnerability in Relationships
Open communication and vulnerability are essential components of healthy and meaningful relationships. Leslie John and Lewis Howes delve into the benefits and challenges of sharing true thoughts and feelings in personal interactions.
Benefits Of Sharing True Thoughts and Feelings
Both speakers advocate for authentic self-revelation as a way to foster deeper connections within relationships.
Authentic Self-Revelation Fosters Deeper Relationship Connections
Leslie John shares how confronting her feelings about her first husband exemplifies authentic self-revelation. By communicating openly with her mother about her attractions to other men, John was able to confront her concerns, which deepened their connection. Similarly, Howes discusses the agreement he made with his wife to communicate without anger, which would allow positive and open exchanges. He cites his wife's practice of expressing when something is wrong promptly as an example of fostering a better relationship.
Overcoming Fear of "Over-Sharing" to Cultivate Meaningful Interactions
The fear of "over-sharing" can hinder the cultivation of relationships, but both Howes and John suggest focusing on clear communication to enhance intimacy.
Concern Over Revealing Info Can Hinder Relationships
Howes points out the detriments of expecting partners to read minds and stresses the importance of direct communication to avoid frustration in relationships. John highlights the common problem of harboring mind reading expectations, suggesting that more open communication about personal emotions would enhance connections. She notes that even in long-term relationships, partners make incorrect assumptions about each other's feelings.
The Role of Reciprocity In Facilitating Vulnerable Conversations
Leslie John and Lewis Howes discuss how vulnerability and personal sharing can spark reciprocal openness, which is fundamental for nurturing rich and robust relationships.
Personal Sharing Encourages Reciprocal Openness
Howes explains how by being a good listener, he built deeper connections, and John describes how people delight in sharing their inner thoughts and dreams. She also highlights her deliberate efforts to teach her children to express difficult emotions such as disappointment and frustration.
John acknowledges that her own relationship improved when she began openly communicating her thoughts and feelings, thereby fostering a better understanding with her spouse. She talks about the profound effects of vulnerability on the bond with her mother, emphasizing that such revelations are often key to not feeling alone.
Both John and ...
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Open Communication and Vulnerability in Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While open communication is generally beneficial, there can be situations where too much honesty without tact can hurt a partner's feelings or damage the relationship.
- Authentic self-revelation may not always lead to deeper connections if the other person is not receptive or if the revelations are not mutual.
- Some individuals may not have the emotional capacity or desire to handle the level of vulnerability and openness that others may wish for in a relationship.
- Agreements to communicate without anger are ideal but may not always be realistic, as emotions can be difficult to control in the heat of the moment.
- The concept of "over-sharing" is subjective, and what might be considered over-sharing to one person could be seen as appropriate sharing to another.
- Direct communication is important, but it should be balanced with emotional intelligence to ensure that the timing and manner of communication are considerate.
- The assumption that long-term partners make incorrect assumptions due to lack of communication may not account for the complexity of individual dynamics and the fact that some assumptions may be based on past behaviors or patterns.
- Encouraging reciprocal openness assumes that both parties are equally willing and able to be vulnerable, which may not always be the case.
- Teaching children to express difficult emotions is important, but it should also be paired with teaching them coping mechanisms and resilience.
- The idea that vulnerability always strengthens relationships may not hold true for every relationship or cultural context, where vulnerability might be seen as a weakness.
- The notion that addressing difficult emotions openly always brings people closer may not consider situations where such discussions lead to conflict or irreparable damage to the relationship.
- The risk of undersharing versus oversharing can vary g ...
Actionables
- You can deepen your relationships by starting a "Feelings Journal" where you and your partner each write down your emotions and thoughts daily, then set aside time each week to share and discuss your entries. This practice encourages both partners to be open and vulnerable in a structured way, fostering deeper understanding and connection.
- Create a "Vulnerability Jar" where you write down moments when you felt vulnerable or had a difficult emotion and place them in the jar. Once a month, sit down with a loved one and take turns reading from the jar, using these as starting points for deeper conversations. This can help overcome the discomfort of vulnerability by making it a shared experience.
- Initiate a "Dreams and Fears" game night with friends or family w ...
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Finding the Right Balance Between Over-Sharing and Under-Sharing
Lewis Howes and Leslie John delve into the complexities of self-disclosure, highlighting the delicate equilibrium between sharing too much and not enough, and the impact these choices have on our personal and professional relationships.
Importance of Context and Timing In Self-Disclosure
The context and timing of revealing personal information play a pivotal role in how it's received and the effects it can have on various relationships.
Timing and Audience Impact Information Reception
Howes describes his past of sharing too freely and how he learned to set better personal boundaries. Through the process of reclaiming his energy for people that mattered most, he suggests that understanding when to say "no" is crucial in managing self-disclosure. Similarly, Leslie John notes the importance of timing in her own disclosure to her mother just before her wedding, opting for a relaxed environment to avoid pre-worry.
John also speaks to the balance required when giving feedback, recognizing that waiting for a 'perfect' time can lead to missed opportunities. The importance of the audience is highlighted by John's story about misjudging her relationship with Jerry Seinfeld due to a parasocial connection, reinforcing that knowing the audience is key to appropriate self-disclosure and avoiding discomfort.
Developing "Disclosure Flexibility" to Adapt Communication Styles
Lewis Howes and Leslie John discuss "disclosure flexibility," the socially skilled individual's ability to adapt their openness based on the context and audience.
Socially Skilled Individuals: Fluidly Open or Guarded by Context
Leslie John talks about the art of delivering feedback and the social skill of recognizing the right time to share. She and Howes reflect on everyday "disclosure decisions" and the "unsaid jar" where unspoken thoughts are stored. They imply that sometimes it is better to withhold certain feelings, such as being overwhelmed, from people like assistants to maintain a professional context.
Through personal anecdotes, John and Howes demonstrate the need to be fluid in how openly one communicates, cautioning against revealing insecurities to a boss before a public talk, as it might undermine confidence on both sides.
The Consequences of Chronic Under-Sharing in Relationships
Under-sharing can lead to emotional distance, which can have far-reaching effects on the quality of relationships.
Emotional Distance From Not Sharing Feelings
Howes discusses how not being vulnerable impacted his relationships. He faced the challenge of having to wear a societal mask, which hampered emotional connection. Similarly, John state ...
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Finding the Right Balance Between Over-Sharing and Under-Sharing
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Counterarguments
- While context and timing are important, some argue that authenticity should not be compromised for the sake of audience comfort, suggesting that self-disclosure should be more about personal truth than strategic communication.
- The concept of "disclosure flexibility" might be seen as manipulative or inauthentic by some, who believe that consistent transparency is more important than tailoring disclosure to the audience.
- The idea of withholding feelings to maintain professionalism could be challenged by advocates of emotional intelligence in the workplace, who argue that expressing emotions responsibly can enhance leadership and team dynamics.
- The notion that under-sharing leads to emotional distance might be countered by the perspective that some individuals or cultures prefer privacy and find deeper connection through shared activities or values rather than through verbal emotional disclosure.
- The emphasis on the negative consequences of under-sharing overlooks the potential benefits of privacy and discretion in maintaining personal boundaries and mental health.
- The implication that sharing insecurities undermines confidence could be disputed by those who believe that vulnerability can actually build ...
Actionables
- You can practice self-disclosure with a "sharing scale" by rating topics from 1 to 10 based on how personal they are and choosing a mid-range topic to discuss in social settings. For instance, you might rate discussing your favorite music as a 2 and talking about your health as an 8. Choose a topic rated around 5, like your recent vacation, to share with acquaintances to strike a balance between being open and maintaining privacy.
- Create a "feedback timer" to avoid overthinking the timing of giving feedback by setting a specific time limit, like 24 hours, to address an issue after it arises. This helps you act promptly and prevents the accumulation of unspoken issues. For example, if a coworker's action bothered you, you would initiate a conversation within the next day to discuss it constructively.
- Develop a "vulnerability journal" where you record instances where you ...
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