How To Deal With Being Broken Up With | Lewis Howes
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Lewis Howes and contributors examine how being single can serve as a catalyst for personal development. They explore the ways that periods of singleness create opportunities for self-discovery, allowing individuals to build genuine self-confidence and confront personal insecurities without relationship-based distractions.
The discussion delves into the importance of healing past relationship trauma before pursuing new connections, with Howes and Martha Higareda Howes sharing their experiences with individual therapy work. They address how chemistry between potential partners, while important, should not overshadow the need for alignment in core values and life goals. The episode outlines practical approaches to using solitude for growth, from journaling to establishing personal boundaries.
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Personal Growth and Self-Discovery During Singleness
Lewis Howes explores how being single creates a unique opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. He emphasizes that singleness forces you to confront your identity and fears without distractions, rather than using relationships to avoid facing insecurities. This period of solitude, Howes suggests, provides essential space for self-reflection and clarity about future goals.
Howes discusses how singleness builds lasting self-confidence, noting that confidence based on external validation, like being in a relationship, is temporary. Instead, he advocates using this time to develop self-worth independently, creating boundaries, and becoming comfortable with being alone.
Healing Past Wounds Before a New Relationship
Howes and other contributors stress the importance of addressing previous relationship trauma before starting new connections. They explain that unhealed wounds can negatively impact future relationships, comparing it to a broken arm that hasn't properly healed. The contributors emphasize that using new relationships as a distraction often leads to repeating unhealthy patterns.
During periods of singleness, Howes suggests using solitude for inner work through practices like journaling and self-reflection. He and Martha Higareda Howes share their experiences of individual therapy work before their relationship, highlighting the importance of not expecting partners to "fix" emotional wounds.
Prioritizing Alignment Over Chemistry
While chemistry can create exciting initial connections, Howes cautions against letting it mask fundamental differences in values, goals, and lifestyle choices. He shares from personal experience that rushing into commitments based on chemistry alone often hides core incompatibilities.
Instead, Howes advocates for taking time to assess alignment with potential partners through deep conversations about values and future visions. He and Martha demonstrate this approach by discussing their commitment to therapy together and setting non-negotiable standards early in their relationship, ensuring they could fully support each other's aspirations.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While singleness can indeed provide space for personal growth, not everyone may find solitude conducive to self-reflection or healing; some individuals may thrive more with the support and companionship of others.
- The idea that self-confidence should be developed independently can overlook the fact that humans are social creatures, and external validation can be a healthy and natural part of building self-esteem.
- The emphasis on healing past wounds before entering a new relationship might imply that one must be fully healed to pursue love, which could be unrealistic, as healing is often an ongoing process.
- The notion that partners should not be expected to "fix" each other's emotional wounds might be too rigid, as supportive partners can play a significant role in one's healing journey, even if they are not the primary source of healing.
- The argument against using new relationships as distractions doesn't consider that sometimes new, healthy relationships can actually contribute positively to one's healing process.
- The focus on prioritizing alignment over chemistry might undervalue the importance of attraction and passion in a relationship, which are also significant components of a strong partnership.
- The advice to take time to assess alignment might not account for the fact that people and relationships can evolve over time, and what seems like alignment at one stage may change as individuals grow.
- Setting non-negotiable standards early in a relationship could potentially lead to inflexibility, which might prevent a relationship from developing naturally and adapting to the complexities of life.
- The recommendation for joint therapy, while potentially beneficial, may not be suitable or necessary for all couples, and other forms of communication and conflict resolution might be equally effective.
Actionables
- Create a "Me Manifesto" to solidify your personal values and aspirations, writing down what truly matters to you and what you stand for, which will guide your decisions and relationships.
- By crafting a personal manifesto, you articulate your core values, beliefs, and goals, which can serve as a compass during times of solitude and when assessing potential partners. For example, if you value creativity, include ways you will prioritize and nurture it, both alone and in a relationship.
- Start a "Boundary Blueprint" where you outline your non-negotiables in relationships and personal life, keeping it as a reference for when you meet new people or enter into new relationships.
- This blueprint acts as a clear set of guidelines for what you will and won't accept from others, ensuring you maintain your standards. For instance, if you require open communication, detail what that looks like for you and how you'll communicate this boundary to others.
- Engage in "Solo Strategy Sessions" where you plan future goals and envision your life trajectory without considering a partner's influence, focusing on personal aspirations and how to achieve them.
- During these sessions, you take the time to map out your future, setting short-term and long-term goals that align with your personal growth. For example, if you aim to travel more, outline the steps you'll take to make it happen independently, such as saving a certain amount each month or learning a new language.
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Personal Growth and Self-Discovery During Singleness
Singleness Forces You to Face Your Identity, Values, and Fears
Lewis Howes discusses the transformative power of singleness, highlighting that it teaches you who you are without distractions. Being single gives you an essential opportunity to confront difficult questions about yourself and your desires without having someone to hide behind. It's a period that forces emotional responsibility and teaches you how to love without losing your identity.
When Single, Confront Difficult Questions About Yourself and Your Desires, Without Distractions or Someone to Hide Behind
People often enter relationships to avoid facing their fears, insecurities, and lack of direction. Howes speaks about the clarity and self-awareness he gained during his single time. He found that, when single, there's no one else to blame, leading you to confront your beliefs, desires, and the things you've been avoiding or running from.
Singleness Offers Self-Reflection Space, Clarifying Your Future Purpose and Vision
Being single allows you to ask hard questions about the patterns that show up in relationships and the fears that arise when alone. This self-reflection space clarifies your future purpose and vision, helps you identify what you truly want, and prepare for the kind of relationship you wish to build consciously with another person.
Singleness Builds Self-Confidence and Self-Acceptance
Lewis Howes implies that singleness can help build sustainable self-confidence and self-acceptance, allowing you to become comfortable alone, cultivate self-worth independently of relationships, wait for alignment with a partner, and set new standards.
Confidence From External Validation Is Fleeting
Howes' experience taught him that when confidence is dependent on external validation, such as being chosen in a relationship, it is unstable. He emphasizes that self-esteem should not fluctuate based on whether someone wants to be with you.
Cultivate Self-Worth Independently of Relationships for Sustainable Confidence and Resilience
H ...
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Personal Growth and Self-Discovery During Singleness
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Singleness may not always lead to self-discovery or personal growth for everyone; some individuals may find they grow more through their interactions and relationships with others.
- The idea that people enter relationships to avoid facing their fears or insecurities can be an oversimplification; many enter relationships for a variety of complex reasons, including love, companionship, and mutual support.
- The assertion that being single forces emotional responsibility could be challenged by the fact that relationships also require emotional responsibility and can provide opportunities for growth in this area.
- The notion that singleness is necessary to build sustainable self-confidence and self-acceptance might be contested by the argument that these qualities can also be developed within the context of a supportive relationship.
- The implication that confidence from external validation is always fleeting may not take into account the positive reinforcement and encouragement that can come from healthy relationships, which can contribute to a person's self-esteem.
- The idea that true confidence only comes from inner work might overlook the fact that external experiences, including relationships, can also play a significant role in personal development.
- The perspective that being single raises your standards might not resonate with everyone; some individuals may find that their standards are consistent regardless of their relationship status.
- The view that singleness is an essent ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal to track your self-discovery journey, focusing on your values, fears, and desires. Start by writing down questions that challenge your understanding of yourself, such as "What values are most important to me?" or "What fears hold me back?" Dedicate time each week to reflect on these questions and note any patterns or insights that emerge, helping you to understand your identity and desires more deeply.
- Develop a 'solo date' habit where you take yourself out to activities that you enjoy or have wanted to try, like a new art class, a hike in a nature reserve, or a solo trip to a museum. Use these experiences to cultivate self-worth and enjoyment in your own company. After each solo date, reflect on what you learned about yourself and how you felt doing the activity alone.
- Engage in a 'confidence-building project' that aligns with your intere ...
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Healing Past Wounds Before a New Relationship
Howes and other contributors discuss the importance of resolving previous traumas before entering new relationships and using singleness as a productive time for introspection and healing.
Past Relationship Trauma Affects New Connections
Unhealed Wounds "Bleed" On Partners Who Didn't Cause Your Pain
Howes states that if individuals do not heal their wounds from past relationships, they tend to negatively affect future relationships, causing hurt to people who did not cause the original pain. Lewis likens unhealed wounds to having a broken arm that's never been properly set, causing pain whenever it's touched.
Using New Relationships As a Distraction Often Repeats Unhealthy Patterns
Hussey and Martha Higareda Howes express that unaddressed issues, such as the "core abandonment wound" carried by the host, can result in repeating patterns in new relationships and difficulty articulating needs. As a result of past experiences with her father leaving the room when she attempted to have difficult conversations, the host feels terrified of expressing disappointment even in casual dating situations. This fear can cause her to stay in relationships where she may end up feeling resentful towards her partner.
Singleness Offers Opportunity for Inner Work and Healing
Solitude Helps Confront Fears, Process Emotions, and Develop Healthier Coping Mechanisms
Contributors emphasize the single season as a time to heal, forgive, and let go of resentment. Howes points out that solitude allowed him to confront his fears and begin a healing journey. Journaling, self-reflection, and introspection were pivotal on Lewis's path toward healing.
Own Your Healing; Don't Expect Partners to "Fix" You or Fulfill all Emotional Needs
The journey toward healing requires taking responsibility for one's past decisions and avoiding reliance on a partner to make one happy or fill voids of insecurity. Howe ...
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Healing Past Wounds Before a New Relationship
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While healing from past wounds is important, it's also true that relationships can sometimes serve as catalysts for growth and healing, offering support and new perspectives.
- The idea that one must be fully healed before entering a new relationship may be unrealistic, as healing is often a lifelong process and complete healing may not be attainable.
- Some individuals may find that they heal more effectively in the context of a secure and supportive relationship, rather than in solitude.
- The concept of singleness as a time for healing may inadvertently stigmatize those who are single for other reasons or by choice, implying that singleness is merely a transitional phase rather than a valid lifestyle.
- The emphasis on individual healing might overlook the potential benefits of communal or collective forms of healing, such as support groups or community therapy.
- The notion of not expecting partners to "fix" you could be misinterpreted as discouraging open communication about emotional needs and vulnerabilities within a relationship.
- The text may understate the importance of mutual support in a relationship; while individuals should work on their own issues, partners can ...
Actionables
- Create a "healing roadmap" by listing past hurts and identifying patterns that may have emerged in your relationships. This can help you see where you might need to focus your healing efforts. For example, if you notice a pattern of avoiding conflict, you might set a goal to learn healthy conflict resolution skills.
- Develop a "relationship readiness" checklist that includes emotional and mental health criteria, such as the ability to communicate needs effectively or manage emotional triggers independently. Before entering a new relationship, review this checklist to assess your preparedness and identify areas that may need more attention.
- Start a "trigger jo ...
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Prioritizing Alignment (Values, Vision, Lifestyle) Over Chemistry
Lewis Howes emphasizes the importance of aligning with a partner's values, vision, and lifestyle rather than basing a relationship solely on the excitement of chemistry.
Chemistry Doesn't Equal Long-Term Compatibility
Chemistry Can Mask Value, Goal, and Lifestyle Differences
Howes cautions that while attraction based on chemistry may feel explosive and fun initially, it doesn't necessarily indicate long-term relationship sustainability. He warns against letting the rush of chemicals felt during initial attraction create the illusion of compatibility, as it can mask underlying differences in values, goals, and lifestyle. This can lead people to make premature commitments without fully understanding their partner, potentially overlooking significant differences in beliefs and life choices.
Jumping Into Commitments Based On Chemistry Hides Core Incompatibilities
Howes discusses his own past experiences of mistaking chemistry for compatibility and points out that the intense feelings associated with a chemical connection can lead to an early commitment without fully knowing the person. He notes that connecting solely through chemistry without aligning on values, vision, and other aspects can lead to painful outcomes. He emphasizes the importance of clear conversations and moving slowly to reveal true character and behavior.
Aligning With a Partner's Vision Through Non-negotiable Standards
Key Values, Lifestyle Needs, and Vision: Foundation For Fulfillment
Howes and his partner Martha took the time to individually and then jointly assess their visions and values, ensuring a significant level of alignment. He explains that they made a commitment to enter therapy together early in their relationship to maintain clear communication and support. By setting non-negotiable standards, such as avoiding substance abuse, they are ensuring that they share similar values and lifestyle choices which contribute to a feeling of compatibility and reduce friction in the relationship.
Take Time to Assess Alignment With a Potential Partner for Informed Choices
Howes advocates for taking the time to have dee ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Prioritizing Alignment (Values, Vision, Lifestyle) Over Chemistry
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Chemistry is also an important component of a relationship and can be indicative of compatibility in terms of personality and physical connection, which are also valuable for a successful partnership.
- Some relationships that start with strong chemistry can evolve to align values, vision, and lifestyle over time as partners grow and learn together.
- The idea of setting non-negotiable standards might be too rigid for some relationships, where flexibility and compromise are key to adapting to life's changes and challenges.
- Therapy, while beneficial for many, might not be necessary or suitable for all couples, as some may find other methods of communication and problem-solving that work better for them.
- Deep, courageous conversations early on might not always be feasible or comfortable for everyone, as some individuals or cultures may prefer a more gradual process of opening up within a relationship.
- The emphasis on alignment might overlook the importance of diversity within a relationship, where differing values and visions can enrich the partnership and provide opportunities for personal growth and learning.
- The concept of "right match" could be seen as overly idealistic, as relationships often ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to chart out shared and individual goals. Sit down together and draw a visual representation of where you both see yourselves in the future, including career aspirations, family plans, and personal development. This can help you see where your paths align and where you may need to make adjustments to support each other.
- Develop a "values deck" of cards, each card listing a value or lifestyle choice that's important to you. Use these cards during dates or partner discussions to pick out and talk about what matters most to each of you. This can be a fun and engaging way to dive into deep conversations about your core beliefs and see where you both stand on various issues.
- Initiate a monthly "growth check-in" with your partner where you discuss one ar ...
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