Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Relationship | Jim Curtis
In this episode of The School of Greatness, Jim Curtis and Lewis Howes explore the relationship between self-perception and reality. They discuss how internal dialogue and beliefs program the subconscious mind, affecting life outcomes. The conversation covers practical techniques for emotional healing and nervous system regulation, including specific breathing exercises and the Ho'oponopono prayer.
The hosts examine how childhood experiences influence adult relationships and the pursuit of external validation. Curtis shares his approach to manifestation, combining visualization with "I am" statements, while both hosts discuss the role of gratitude and generosity in attracting abundance. They also address the importance of discernment in relationships and the connection between spiritual beliefs and personal well-being.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 15, 2025 episode of the The School of Greatness
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
The Power of Mindset and Self-Talk
In this episode, Jim Curtis and Lewis Howes explore how our self-perception and internal dialogue shape our reality. Curtis introduces the concept of "quantum energy timelines," explaining that our repeated self-talk and beliefs program our subconscious mind, ultimately creating our reality. He emphasizes the power of positive "I am" statements in transforming negative self-talk into empowering affirmations.
The conversation delves into practical applications, with Curtis sharing techniques like the Ho'oponopono prayer for emotional healing and specific breathing exercises for nervous system regulation. Both hosts discuss how showing gratitude toward one's body, rather than expressing anger, can lead to significant life transformations.
Healing Past Traumas and Relationships
Curtis and Howes examine the connection between childhood trauma and the need for external validation in adult relationships. Curtis reveals how deep-rooted beliefs of inadequacy can affect adult life, suggesting techniques like hypnosis and subconscious work for healing the inner child.
The hosts emphasize the importance of discernment in relationships, with both sharing personal experiences of growth. Howes describes his journey to finding a relationship that feels safe and accepting, while Curtis discusses the courage needed to leave relationships that no longer serve one's growth.
The Process Of Manifesting Your Desired Life
Curtis outlines his approach to manifestation, combining "I am" statements with visualization techniques. He recommends fully embodying desired outcomes while feeling the associated emotions, sharing his own experience of visualizing his 60th birthday celebration.
The conversation shifts to the importance of surrendering attachment while maintaining present-moment awareness. Curtis and Howes discuss how focusing on gratitude and generosity can attract abundance, with Curtis emphasizing the power of service and contribution in creating positive life changes. They note that scientific research supports the connection between belief in a higher power and increased peace and healing in one's life.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The concept of "quantum energy timelines" is not scientifically proven and may be considered pseudoscientific by some experts in the field of psychology and physics.
- Positive affirmations and "I am" statements, while helpful for some, may not be effective for everyone, and their efficacy can vary greatly depending on the individual's circumstances and mental health status.
- Techniques like the Ho'oponopono prayer and specific breathing exercises, although beneficial for some, may not have the same impact on everyone and should not replace professional medical or psychological treatment when necessary.
- The idea that showing gratitude can lead to significant life transformations is not universally applicable, as external factors and systemic issues can also significantly impact an individual's life circumstances.
- The connection between childhood trauma and adult relationships is complex, and while hypnosis and subconscious work can be beneficial, they are not universally accepted or effective for all individuals, and other therapeutic approaches may be more suitable for some people.
- The process of manifesting one's desired life through visualization and "I am" statements is not empirically supported and may oversimplify the complexities of achieving personal goals.
- The notion of surrendering attachment and maintaining present-moment awareness as a means to support manifestation may not resonate with or be practical for everyone, especially those facing immediate and tangible challenges.
- The belief in a higher power as a means to increase peace and healing is subjective and may not align with the views of individuals who are non-religious or who follow different belief systems.
- The claim that scientific research supports the connection between belief in a higher power and increased peace and healing may be overstated, as research in this area can be varied and is often open to interpretation.
Actionables
- Create a personalized affirmation soundtrack by recording your own "I am" statements and layering them with your favorite calming music to listen to during your daily commute or while exercising. This can help reinforce positive self-talk and make it a habitual part of your day.
- Develop a "relationship audit" journal where you write down the qualities of each significant relationship in your life, noting how they contribute to or detract from your personal growth. Use this journal to make conscious decisions about which relationships to nurture and which to reconsider, fostering discernment and personal development.
- Start a "gratitude and service" diary where you not only list things you're grateful for but also record one act of service or generosity you performed each day. This practice can shift your focus from scarcity to abundance and may lead to experiencing more positive life changes.
Get access to the context and additional materials
The Power of Mindset and Self-Talk
Jim Curtis and Lewis Howes explore the profound influence that self-perception and the language we use have on shaping our reality and the importance of transforming negative self-talk into positive affirmations.
Our Identity and Self-Perception Create Our Reality
The Subconscious Mind Absorbs Repeated Self-Language and Beliefs
Jim Curtis introduces the concept of "quantum energy timelines," suggesting that our emotions and energy can transport us into different states of being. He argues that what we say to ourselves shapes our subconscious identity and, therefore, our reality. Curtis emphasizes that affirming positive thoughts like "I am smart" or "I am successful" gives directions to our subconscious minds, helping shape our identities and realities. Every word we say is creating our reality because we start believing those words.
Transforming Negative Self-Talk Into Empowering "I Am" Statements
Replacing "I Am Stuck" With "I Am Capable" and "Lovable"
Curtis discusses changing negative statements such as "I am stuck" into positive affirmations like "I am capable," which can significantly alter our self-perception and reality. He consciously uses empowering "I am" statements, such as "I am love" or "I am good enough for the Lewis Howes podcast," to affirm his identity and beliefs. Curtis also reinforces his mindset daily with phrases like "I am loving, I am lovable, and I am capable," to attract love and create positive energy in the universe.
Impact of Words on Emotional and Physical State
Self-Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Mantras for Nervous System Regulation and Emotional Healing
Curtis and Howes discuss the impact of words on our emotional and physical state. Howes implies that negative self-talk can lead to a lack of self-acceptance. Curtis uses mantras such as "I love you," "Please forgive me," and "Thank you," aimed at emotional healing and nervous system regulation. He mentions the Ho'oponopono prayer, which includes the phrases "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," and "I love you," and shares how repeating this prayer brought about a powerful emotional release. Reflecting on personal experiences, Howes talks a ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Power of Mindset and Self-Talk
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The concept of "quantum energy timelines" is not scientifically proven and lacks empirical evidence; it is a metaphorical or philosophical concept rather than a scientific one.
- While positive self-talk can be beneficial, it is not a panacea; some individuals may require professional help to address deep-seated psychological issues.
- The idea that every word we say creates our reality can be overly simplistic; external factors often play a significant role in shaping our lives, and not everything is within our control.
- The effectiveness of mantras and affirmations can vary from person to person; what works for one individual may not work for another.
- The claim that positive affirmations can attract love and create positive energy in the universe is not supported by empirical evidence and may be considered a belief rather than a fact.
- The impact of self-talk on the nervous system and emotional state, while supported by some psychological theories, may not be as direct or significant as suggested; other factors like genetics, environment, and physical health also play crucial roles.
- The Ho'oponopono prayer and similar practices, while potentially helpful for some, may not resonate with or be effective for everyone, particularly those who do not align with its spiritual or cult ...
Actionables
- Create a personalized affirmation soundtrack by recording your own voice saying positive affirmations and listen to it during your daily commute or while exercising. This can reinforce the positive self-talk and make it a habitual part of your day, embedding these affirmations deeper into your subconscious.
- Develop a "positivity passport" where you write down a new empowering "I am" statement each day and carry it with you; whenever you feel doubt or negativity creeping in, pull out the passport and remind yourself of your positive identity. This acts as a physical reminder of your commitment to positive self-perception and can be a quick tool for emotional regulation.
- Integrate a "gratitude touch ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Healing Past Traumas and Relationships
Jim Curtis and Lewis Howes discuss the intricate connection between past traumas, the quest for external validation, and current relationships, providing insight into paths toward healing and self-love.
Releasing the Need for External Validation
Unraveling Childhood Traumas Creating Unhealthy Relationships
Jim Curtis emphasizes the importance of resolving internal issues and traumas to change the kinds of people one accepts into their lives, often drawing boundaries against those who provide inconsistent or harmful affection. Curtis shares his own personal realization of a deep-rooted belief of not being good enough, which affected his adult life and relationships. He also touches upon the childhood programming that comes from significant emotional events—like having an abusive parent—which can lead to feelings of guilt and negatively impact adult life.
Reparenting the Inner Child and Cultivating Self-Love
Curtis mentions reparenting the inner child as a way to heal, using tools like hypnosis and subconscious work. When discussing self-love, he suggests reframing the inner dialogue and showing appreciation for one's body, which aligns with practices like self-love and reparenting. Moreover, Curtis talks about reconnecting with his child self through meditation or self-hypnosis, affirming positive messages. Part of the process involves building awareness and recognizing that certain patterns no longer serve one's best interests, which is a crucial step toward self-acceptance.
Lewis Howes shares his experience of healing his "intimacy wound" and finding a relationship that feels safe and accepting, reflecting self-love. He also describes the repetition of the mantra "I'm sorry I forgive you. I love you." as a healing practice. Consistent techniques such as meditation, breath work, and visualization are key to reinterpreting past memories and finding peace.
The Importance of Discernment in Relationships
Recognizing Unserving Relationships and Having the Courage to Leave
Curtis and Howes argue that discernment in relationships comes from a place of self-worth; the people around us reflect our own self-image. Curtis talks about the importance of burying the old identity of one's parents mentally and emotionally to grow and attract relationships that reflect newfound self-love. Both men describe the transf ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Healing Past Traumas and Relationships
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While resolving internal issues can be beneficial, it's important to recognize that not all relationship problems stem from past traumas or a quest for external validation; some issues may arise from current circumstances or compatibility issues.
- Setting boundaries is crucial, but it's also important to ensure that these boundaries are not so rigid that they prevent the formation of close, trusting relationships.
- The concept of reparenting the inner child is a therapeutic tool, but it may not resonate with everyone, and some individuals may find healing through other means, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or other forms of counseling.
- While self-love and reframing inner dialogue are important, they are not a panacea; some individuals may require more structured or long-term support to address deep-seated issues.
- The effectiveness of hypnosis, meditation, and subconscious work can vary greatly among individuals, and these methods may not be universally beneficial or may not be considered evidence-based treatments by all mental health professionals.
- The idea that people are attracted to partners who reflect their self-image can be overly simplistic and may not account for the complexity of human relationships and attraction.
- The notion of "burying" old identities can be seen as dismissive of the ongoing influence of one's upbringing and may not acknowledge the importance of integrating past experiences into one's sense of self.
- The concept of relationships that flow easily without struggles may set unrealistic expectations, as all relationships can encounter challenges and require effort to maintain.
- Encouraging people to leave relationships that no longer serve them is generally sound advice, but it's important to consider the context and potential consequences, especially in cases involving sha ...
Actionables
- Create a personal "relationship resume" to identify patterns and growth areas by listing past relationships, what you learned from each, and how they made you feel. This exercise can help you see recurring issues and recognize what you truly value in relationships, guiding you toward healthier choices in the future.
- Develop a "self-worth journal" where you write down daily affirmations focused on your value and strengths, not tied to anyone else's opinion. By doing this regularly, you'll reinforce a positive self-image and may find it easier to set boundaries and make discerning choices in relationships.
- Start a "relationship readiness" checklist tha ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
The Process Of Manifesting Your Desired Life
Aligning With "I Am" and Tapping Into Universal Consciousness
Curtis alludes to the process of manifesting desires by embracing "I am" statements as a way of aligning with universal consciousness. He speaks about visualizing his future, across body, relationships, career, spirituality, and contribution, feeling the achievement in the present, and determining the necessary actions to reach these goals. Jim Curtis recommends visualizing oneself as embodying their desires, verbalizing it and strongly feeling the emotions connected to achieving the goal. During a conversation with Lewis Howes, Curtis visualized his 60th birthday, seeing himself walking pain-free with loved ones and contributing to the world.
Visualize Your Future Self and Feel Goal Achievement Emotions
Howes and Curtis discuss the importance of mentally rehearsing challenges they may face to prevent them in reality. Curtis uses the "I am that I am" technique for manifestation, imagining and embodying the desired outcome, thus asserting that he is the creator of his desires.
Surrendering Attachment and Staying Present In the Process
Curtis emphasizes the need to slow down and stay present, aiming not to expect pitfalls in the future, but to focus on manifesting desired outcomes by feeling them in the now. He talks about surrendering to and becoming one with experiences to allow for a natural flow of events. Trusting his vision's unfolding and releasing control are also mentioned, with Curtis envisioning a healed body and a pain-free existence in the future.
Releasing Control and Trusting Your Vision's Unfolding
Howes and Curtis converse about maintaining conviction that one is not separate from their desires, even when they feel off track. Curtis highlights the importance of giving up attachment and surrendering to circumstances, staying open to infinite possibilities and welcoming unexpected turns that enrich life.
Cultivating Gratitude and Giving to ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
The Process Of Manifesting Your Desired Life
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The effectiveness of "I am" statements and aligning with universal consciousness is not scientifically proven and may not work for everyone.
- Visualization techniques, while helpful for some, may not directly cause manifestation of desires and could lead to disappointment if expectations are not met.
- The concept of embodying desires to manifest goals can be seen as overly simplistic and may overlook the complex nature of achieving real-world objectives.
- Mental rehearsal of challenges as a preventative measure is not guaranteed to prevent real-life problems and may not address the root causes of potential issues.
- The "I am that I am" technique may not resonate with everyone and could be interpreted as a form of magical thinking rather than a practical approach to goal achievement.
- The advice to slow down and stay present may conflict with the need for proactive and strategic planning in achieving certain goals.
- Surrendering attachment and trusting the unfolding of one's vision might lead to passivity and a lack of agency in one's life.
- The notion of releasing control and trusting in a vision's unfolding does not always align with the need for active problem-solving and decision-making.
- The idea that one is not separate from their desires may not take into account the role of external factors and circumstances in achieving goals.
- The principle that giving from a place of abundance leads to receiving more can be challenged by economic reali ...
Actionables
- Create a daily "I am" journal where you write down affirmations that resonate with your desired future self, focusing on different life areas each day. By doing this, you're not only reinforcing your self-identity but also creating a tangible record of your evolving mindset. For example, on Mondays, you might focus on career-related affirmations, while Thursdays could be dedicated to relationships.
- Develop a "challenge rehearsal" meditation routine where you spend a few minutes each day visualizing a potential challenge and mentally practicing how you would overcome it. This can be as simple as sitting quietly, picturing a common obstacle, and imagining yourself handling it with ease and confidence.
- Start a "gratitude and generosity ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
