Stop Being Available: How to Set Better Boundaries and Take Your Power Back

Women Prioritize Family Needs Over Personal Wellbeing, Often Unaware of the Toll on Their Health

Dr. Eric Thomas observes a striking family pattern: while his children have achieved academically and he himself has found professional success, his wife Dee Dee, the backbone supporting the entire family, has done so at a significant personal cost. Dee Dee pursued accomplishments—graduating first, passing exams, becoming a nurse, securing a job and health benefits, even helping Eric build his credit—all while continuously prioritizing her family's needs over her own aspirations and health. Despite her economic growth and efforts, much of her energy and resources were spent supporting others rather than investing in her own dreams or well-being. Eric admits he has rarely seen her do anything purely for herself, such as taking time away for her own leisure, even though she made every effort to be present for her children’s activities and to ensure the household functioned smoothly.

This self-sacrificial pattern is not unique to Dee Dee but is echoed in the choices of previous generations. Eric’s mother, whom he describes as brilliant, chose not to attend college so she could raise her son, believing that prioritizing his needs was the only viable path. She took on the burden of family wellbeing, often without recognizing that caring for herself could coexist with caring for her son.

The consequences of sustained self-sacrifice are profound. Dee Dee’s eventual diagnosis with multiple sclerosis led Eric to reflect on the stress she quietly carried. He questioned what burden she had borne—not just from external pressures, but from his own career, ambitions, and extensive travel. Dee Dee herself expressed a need for protection from both outside stressors and the extra responsibilities and demands Eric created in their family life. Her illness, linked in Eric’s mind to years of unacknowledged stress and lack of reciprocal support, stands as a stark example of the physical toll such persistent self-sacrifice can exact.

Women Bear Unrecognized and Exhausting Mental and Physical Loads From Household, Emotional, and Family Management Tasks

Within households, women often maintain exhaustive, invisible mental lists of tasks—scheduling, bill paying, ensuring safety and organization—which are rarely recognized by those around them. Mel Robbins speaks of managing kids’ schedules, paying bills, stocking the fridge, and keeping the home in order. She notes that the relentless upkeep—washing laundry, keeping mud rooms tidy, cleaning counters—often goes unnoticed by her family, who do not realize the battle she fights just to maintain daily routines.

Women also take on the role of emotional regulators in their families. Robbins describes holding herself to a standard of always being calm and understanding so her fiancé can heal, putting aside her own bad days to support others, and returning conversations to positivity. Dee Dee, too, became responsible not only for logistics but for the emotional well-being and boundaries in her family, buffering the impact of Eric’s choices and professional lifestyle.

These responsibilities are frequently fueled by both necessity and unnecessary, self-imposed standards. Robbins reflects on feeling obligated to fulfill tasks that no one explicitly asked of her. Some of these standards stem from habitual ways of showing care, maintaining them even as they become increasingly exhausting and less relevant to the family’s current needs.

Women Overlook Role Changes, Persist In Self-Sacrifice Despite New Circumstances

Even as children grow or family circumstances change, women tend to persist in old roles and responsibilitie ...

Mel Robbins and Eric Thomas discuss how relying on feelings and guilt can negatively affect women and families, contrasting that approach with the stability offered by principle-based, value-driven decisions.

Emotional and Guilt-Based Decisions Harm Women and Families Despite Seeming Justified

Guilt and emotion-driven choices may feel justified in the moment but tend to create lasting challenges for women and their families.

Guilt-Driven Decisions Enable Dependency Over Self-Sufficiency

Mel Robbins recognizes that much of her decision-making as a mother is driven by guilt—responding to emotional discomfort or the stress of others by simply taking on more tasks, such as paying bills just to avoid irritation or emotional upset. Eric Thomas points out that making decisions only to soothe such feelings enables dependency, as women continually serve others instead of fostering self-sufficiency or training family members to manage responsibilities themselves.

Emotion-Driven Decisions Cause Resentment as Women May Self-Blame and Blame Others For Situations Created Emotionally, Instead of Using Logic

Robbins describes how operating from guilt and emotions breeds resentment in herself, leading to anger, stress, and a sense of overwhelm. She notes the negative dynamic that emerges: children experience her as irritable, her husband faces an angry and frustrated partner, and she blames herself and others for a reality created by emotional reactions rather than logic and planned choices.

Feeling-Based Approach Limits Vision, Enforces Crisis Management Cycle

Both Robbins and Thomas observe that operating largely from feelings keeps women stuck in a reactive, crisis-driven cycle. Without a clear goal or vision—a “North Star”—for how they want their relationships and family life to feel in the future, women remain vulnerable to exhaustion and feeling “run over by guilt.” This lack of proactive direction results in women constantly shouldering more than their share and compromising their own well-being in favor of short-term emotional comfort.

Principle-Based Decisions Rely On Clear Values and Goals to Guide Choices, Consistently Aligning Decisions With Those Principles Even When Emotions Differ

Eric Thomas and Mel Robbins advocate for principle-based decision-making as a solution to the emotional traps that women face.

Women Should Prioritize Family's Long-Term Health Over Comfort

Thomas stresses that the guiding question should be: “Are you the best person for the job?” If not, or if perpetually doing a task hinders personal or family growth, a principle-based approach means addressing true needs instead of defaulting to emotional caretaking. This may require recognizing, for example, that an aging relative truly needs professional healthcare rather than ongoing personal care from a family member who is not qualified, as Thomas shares about his grandmother.

Woman Fosters Family Independence and Capability

Principle-driven decisions include actively training others in the family to contribute and become more responsible. Thomas emphasizes that mothers can't be everything for everyone at every stage of life and shouldn’t aim to pour endlessly from an empty cup. Instead, the family should collectively grow in capability, sharing duties such as chores and errands to create reciprocity.

Principle-Based Decision-Making Involves Setting a "North Star" or Vision for the Family's Future, Enabling Women to Assess if a Duty or Sacrifice Aligns With or Opposes That Vision

Robbins notes the importance of having a family vision—a “North S ...

Families Lack Clear Goals, Leading Women to Decide On Assumptions

In many families, a lack of open dialogue about expectations and goals causes women to shoulder invisible burdens based on assumptions. Women often devise intricate home management systems and enforce high cleanliness standards, believing these meet their family's needs. However, as Dee Dee revealed to Eric Thomas, she had never been asked whether she wanted these sacrifices. She clarified that her actions—working as a nurse for thirty years and supporting Eric’s ambitious career—were not part of her own dreams. Dee Dee expressed that she preferred her husband's presence over perfectly managed household routines or extraordinary gestures. Eric recounts how Dee Dee told him she would rather “just spend time with my husband” than go on a trip, highlighting how her happiness stemmed from genuine presence rather than overstated sacrifices.

Without these honest conversations, women continue to bear the weight of keeping the family happy, often believing they must do everything, while family members may actually prefer less perfection and more authentic connection.

Creating a Shared Vision For Marriage or Family Requires Intentional Conversations Where Both Partners Articulate Their Relationship and Family Goals and Commit To Strategies That Serve Those Goals

Eric Thomas acknowledges that many couples operate from separate visions, which burdens the supportive partner with undefined and ever-shifting expectations. He admits that his greatest mistake was pursuing his own ambitions without inviting Dee Dee into the conversation or seeking her buy-in. After Dee Dee’s multiple sclerosis diagnosis, Eric recognized the critical need to assess how his career choices, travel, and high demands affected her physical and emotional health.

Eric shares the lesson that each partner’s dreams and commitments are interconnected. He notes, "You went to Michigan State. They went to Michigan State. It doesn't just affect you. And so we got to sit down and we got to talk and we got to have a strategy, not for Eric Thomas. We have to have a strategy for our marriage." The shared vision involves routinely auditing their choices to determine if their current patterns serve their relationship goals or if they require new arrangements. Eric advises that families without a clear plan beyond career goals must intentionally develop a unified vision that serves the marriage or family as a whole.

He emphasizes the need to live in the present, prioritizing what brings joy and connection now, rather than being consumed by chores or career-driven busyness: "We didn't get married to do chores. We got married to be with each other and be blissful and to make our lives better by being together."

Women Should Communicate Their Needs, Boundaries, and Desires To Family

Open communication is essential for women to express their needs, boundaries, and desires. Eric Thomas recounts how he was unaware of the full extent of Dee Dee's burden until she confronted him, overcoming her fear of seeming ungrateful or unsupportive. She told him directly that he needed to protect her from the demands of his roles and the stress his lifestyle ...

Creating a List of Tasks, Responsibilities, and Emotional Labor a Woman Performs Helps Decide What to Continue and What to Release

Mel Robbins emphasizes the foundational practice of listing all tasks, responsibilities, and emotional burdens a woman routinely carries. This includes energetic, physical, mental, and spiritual loads. By making the invisible visible, such a list gives clarity and honest self-assessment: a woman can ask if she is the best person for a task, whether she actually wants it, or if it could be shared, delegated, or hired out.

Transform Invisible To Visible: Identifying Burdensome vs. Habitual Tasks

Robbins encourages separating duties that weigh heavily or foster resentment from those done by habit or necessity. She and her team list chores such as laundry, organizing the mudroom, doing dishes, and keeping the kitchen clean. These are often tasks others in the household either don't notice or appreciate, highlighting why it's vital to distinguish what truly matters to the woman herself from what she believes must be done.

Identifying and Releasing Stressful Tasks

Listing out all the things that generate resentment or exhaustion allows women to examine which duties can be put down. Robbins suggests asking, “Does this even matter to me? Can I lower my standards a little so I can raise my standard of living?” The aim is to convert burdensome, invisible labor into actionable, negotiable items, giving permission to step back and seek alternatives.

Women Can Lower Their Personal Standards, Recognizing That "Good Enough" Is Often Sufficient and That Maintaining Perfectionism Isn't Worth Sacrificing Wellbeing and Dreams

Robbins challenges perfectionism, urging women to let go of standards that don't serve their happiness or health. Often, she notes, families are indifferent to whether chores have been done perfectly—children may not care about laundry being folded with precision or shoes neatly tucked away, for example.

Lowering Standards Prioritizes Family Wellbeing Essentials Like Food and Clean Clothes Over Personal Preferences For Order or Appearance

Eric Thomas asserts that emotional wellness and mental health matter far more than maintaining a spotless house. By focusing on essentials like food and clean clothes, women safeguard their well-being and preserve energy for what matters.

Reducing Standards in one Area Frees Time and Energy For Family Presence and Calmness

Robbins says that lowering self-imposed expectations frees up both emotional and practical bandwidth for presence and peace. Not every obligation is equally vital—letting some things be “good enough” restores time for family connection and calm.

Encourage Women to Share Tasks and Trust Family Members to Learn

Robbins and Thomas advise women to communicate directly about the help and support they need. Trusting the family to step up is crucial, even if things aren’t handled perfectly at first.

Dr. Thomas Mastered Laundry After Two Sessions With Dee Dee

Eric Thomas recounts that when his wife Dee Dee stopped doing the laundry and instead trained him, he quickly became competent at every step, even earning compliments from others on how his clothes smelled.

When a Woman Stops Cooking, Adults Find New Interest and Capabilities in the Kitchen

Thomas also notes that once Dee Dee retired from cooking, their son discovered his talent and became the main cook in the household.

Teaching Family Tasks Means Accepting Temporary Inefficiency for Shared Growth

Both Robbins and Thomas remind women that teaching others is a process—temporary messiness or inefficiency is part of collective growth. Sharing tasks also removes gendered expectations, recasting household duties as shared responsibilities. Tools like family group chats can help coordinate chores practically and equitably.

Women Should Reconnect With Their Pre-family Selves: Joy, Peace, and Identity Beyond Roles

Eric Thomas and Mel Robbins both stress the importance of remembering who you were before the weight of responsibility. Before the obligations of family and career, there was an individual with passions, joys, and dreams.

Before Debt and Responsibilities: Who Was I? What Brought Me Joy and Peace? What Were My Dreams?

Thomas asks women to reconnect with their past selves, considering what brought fulfillment and peace before all the “shoulds.” Robbins shares research showing that even a small amount of time spent on a meaningful activity—whether a dance class, singing in choir, painting, or reading—fosters renewed vitality and a sense of regained self.

Woman Reconnects With Past Passions

Women can claim tiny increments of time—ten, twenty minutes alone in the tub, or a quiet early morning walk—to revive forgotten pieces of their identity. This practice gives new life to neglected passions and enhances their sense of self-worth, identity, and contentment outside of any caretaking role.

Women Enhance Family Harmony By Directly Asking For Happiness Insights and Encouraging Reciprocal Support

Robbins and Thomas recommend frank conversations with family: asking what truly makes each person happy and sharing one’s own wishes and needs. This directness forms the basis for new, reciprocal family dynamics.

Woman Communicates Wishes and Desires

Women are encouraged to voice their wishes and goals, to openly say what would make them happy, and to ask for help. Family members can only participate if they know what support is needed, whether that means ac ...