Body Language Expert: 6 Psychological Tricks to Turn Awkwardness into Confidence

Mel Robbins introduces the transformative power of body language for overcoming awkwardness, shyness, self-doubt, and insecurity. She interviews Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral researcher who teaches at Harvard and is a New York Times bestselling author. Van Edwards explains that most of our impact is communicated not through words, but through the body, and understanding body language can immediately boost confidence and presence. The episode shares practical and research-backed techniques that help anyone enter a room, engage in conversation, and project confidence—even before speaking a single word.

Mastering Shoulder and Head Positioning Creates Immediate Confidence

Vanessa Van Edwards highlights that the distance between your earlobes and shoulders is one of the most significant indicators of confidence. When your shoulders are up near your ears, as if turtling into your body, you appear smaller, diffident, and less impactful. This posture unconsciously signals fear, self-protection, or insecurity—such as when nervously greeting people on Zoom, entering a date, or walking into meetings. Maximizing the distance between earlobes and shoulders—keeping shoulders down and back—immediately creates the appearance of confidence and power, especially on video.

Holding the shoulders down and back not only conveys confidence but also claims personal space, signaling to the brain a sense of safety. This posture biologically calms the nervous system, reducing cortisol and stress, making it easier to think and speak clearly. In contrast, hunching the shoulders and tucking the chin is a natural, evolutionary response to protect the neck and vital organs, but today it triggers a negative feedback loop of anxiety, dry mouth, and mental blanks.

Everyday actions such as checking the phone can sabotage confidence. People often hunch over their phone before an important event—whether a meeting or date—thus accidentally adopting a position of defeat, lowering vocal power, increasing anxiety, and feeling less confident. Van Edwards recommends holding the phone up and out instead of hunching over it, ensuring the chin remains up and the jugular visible, which sustains confidence and vocal strength.

Strategic Arm and Hand Positioning Shows Authority, Openness

Arm and hand positioning dramatically affects the perception of authority and openness. Using chairs with armrests is advised, as resting elbows and spreading arms broadens the chest, increases oxygen flow, and strengthens vocal presence during conversations or meetings. Even placing elbows broadly on tables (contrary to what traditional etiquette dictates) can give more room to breathe and a relaxed, confident posture.

Van Edwards emphasizes the importance of keeping hands visible, especially above the desk in professional settings. Visible hands convey up to 400% more informational signals. Greeting with hands first projects openness, security, and honesty.

One gesture stands out above all: the steeple—touching the fingertips lightly together, palms apart—has been found in research to be the most charismatic hand gesture. It exudes calm authority and makes the speaker appear grounded.

Other hand gestures convey specific messages. Rubbing hands together typically signals excitement or anticipation, sparking positivity and suggesting that valuable information is coming. However, closed body language, such as crossing arms tightly or curling them inward, signals anxiety, defensiveness, and reluctance. Such poses lead to shorter sentences, increased likelihood of disagreement, and a subconscious signal that you’re closing yourself off. To encourage agreement and engagement, Van Edwards recommends open arm positioning that exposes your vital areas and projects approachability.

Strategic Body Orientation and Positioning Influence Perception

Where and how you position your body matters at social and professional events. Van Edwards advises always fronting—angling your torso and chair directly toward the person to whom you’re speaking. This nonverbal cue demonstrates respect, attention, and alignment, creating more meaningful connections.

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Vanessa Van Edwards offers a detailed framework for optimizing energy and high performance by intentionally managing both social and work energy, eliminating ambivalent relationships, and increasing personal likability through intentional connection and vulnerability.

Distinguishing Social and Work Energy Optimizes Performance

Vanessa Van Edwards defines social energy as the daily energy spent in conversations, managing difficult people, presenting ideas, navigating communication, and resolving conflict. This energy is distinct from work energy, which is dedicated to engaging with tasks, setting and achieving goals, and tangible project work. She encourages starting each day by reflecting on what gives and takes social and work energy, and engaging in positive self-talk to set the tone for success.

Van Edwards emphasizes that social and work energy sources differ for everyone. She personally feels energized by one-to-one conversations and teaching, but finds small talk and chitchat exhausting—a reminder that each person needs to identify which interactions and activities charge or drain them. She suggests listing out people and interactions that either add to or subtract from one’s social energy.

Highly effective people are assertive in saying no or setting boundaries around draining social obligations and deliberately following through on energizing work tasks. Being aware of the work tasks that generate flow and productivity versus those that are draining applies both at work and at home, as enjoyment of specific tasks varies individually.

Strategically, making mindful choices about allocating time to energizing relationships and tasks, while limiting exposure to draining ones, is central to sustained productivity and positive well-being.

Eliminating Ambivalent Relationships Prevents Hidden Energy Drain

Mel Robbins highlights the importance of reconsidering time spent on relationships one feels ambivalent about, reclaiming that energy for oneself. Van Edwards explains that the most toxic relationships are not simply the negative or “bad” ones, but the ambivalent ones—those that neither inspire nor distress, but which provoke internal questioning and subtle exhaustion. Ambivalent relationships and tasks act like background apps on a phone, sapping energy without conscious notice.

Ambivalent connections include those where one is uncertain about enjoyment, perhaps maintaining out of habit or obligation, such as a longstanding but uninspiring friendship. Signs of ambivalence include not recalling conversations, doubting the other’s interest, or questioning if one would even notice their absence.

Van Edwards recommends a practical exercise: list out all the people in your life, using a star for those you’d eagerly make time for, a minus sign for those whose presence you dread, and a question mark for those whose absence would go unnoticed or who evoke mixed feelings. High performers eliminate or minimize “question mark” relationships, pausing engagements for a while to gauge if they’re missed. If not, the freed energy can be reinvested in the relationships that truly uplift and matter.

By avoiding ambivalence and cultivating intentional social connections, one increases both energy and fulfillment, leading to deeper and more rewarding bonds.

Intentional Liking Increases Likability and Connection

One of Van Edwards’s key findings is that the most likable and popular people are those who actively like and acknowledge a wide range of others. This likability isn’t built on lengthy conversations or constant attention, but on micro-a ...

Breaking Autopilot in Conversations Creates Authentic Connection

Vanessa Van Edwards explains that conversations often become stilted and difficult when people engage on autopilot, defaulting to predictable questions like "How are you?", "What do you do?", and "Where are you from?" These routine openers invite scripted responses and hinder genuine connection. Well-meaning people continue to use safe, autopilot questions without realizing they elicit the same vague, uninspired answers.

Van Edwards urges people to avoid these common questions entirely, suggesting a “diet” from asking them. She recommends replacing them with purposeful alternatives that prompt positive, meaningful responses. Instead of "How are you?" she advises asking "What's good?", "What's been the highlight of your week?", or "What's the highlight of your day?" Rather than "What do you do?" she suggests questions such as "Working on anything exciting recently?", "Have anything coming up that's exciting?", or "Have any fun plans coming up?" These subtle switches encourage the respondent’s brain to seek out and share moments of excitement and accomplishment, sparking optimism and creating a more rewarding conversational dynamic.

Van Edwards specifically criticizes "What do you do?" as problematic, arguing that it implicitly asks, "What are you worth?" and tries to put someone in a box. She emphasizes the kindness of asking about what excites a person, which invites a much more authentic exchange.

She also warns against asking "Been busy?" because it triggers people to focus on overwhelm and leads the conversation toward stress, rather than possibility or accomplishment.

Avoiding Conversation Starters That Create Discomfort or Disconnection

Van Edwards addresses the divisive conversation starter, "What's your story?", which she observed during a speed networking experiment. This question garnered polarized responses: extroverts appreciated it and rated it highly, while introverts and ambiverts disliked it for being intrusive and resembling a therapy session. Because of this split, she argues that "What's your story?" is unreliable for establishing connections.

Instead, Van Edwards recommends safer and more engaging openers such as "What personal passion project are you working on?", "What was the highlight of your week?", and "Have any fun plans coming up?" These questions were the most effective for both catching up and meeting someone new, allowing for meaningful sharing without added pressure.

She also defines ambiverts as individuals who are social introverts or introverted extroverts—people who can act extroverted when needed but require significant recharge time. For deeper connections, Van Edwards advises tailoring questions to personality types: extroverts tend to enjoy open-ended prompts like "What's your story?", while introverts and ambiverts prefer more specific, less intrusive questions.

Using Behavioral Cues Primes Specific Behaviors and Outcomes

Van Edwards describes research showing how single word cues influence behavior. In one study, participants told they were playing a "community game" shared two-thirds of their profits, while those told they were playing a "Wall Street game" shared only one-third, even though the games were identical except for the name. The word "Wall Street" primed competitive behavior, while "community" encouraged collaboration.

This principle extends to other contexts as well. In another study, participants given achievement-oriented directions containing words such as "master," "success," "win," and "achieve" performed better, spent double the time on tasks, and reported more enjoyment and motivation than those given sterile instructions.

Van Edwards suggests applying this to professional communication: instead of generic calendar invites like "meeting," "call," or "video conference," use purposeful terms like "collaborative session," "goal meeting," "mastery meeting," "team collaboration," or "creative hour." These cues prime re ...

The Abcd work productivity framework, articulated by Vanessa Van Edwards and Mel Robbins, proposes a simple but powerful way to optimize individual and team performance, boost well-being, and prevent burnout. It divides both tasks and social interactions into four categories (A, B, C, D), offering a blueprint for strategic work focus and fulfillment.

Four-Level Task Categorization Reveals Optimal Work Pattern

To apply this method, draw four columns labeled A, B, C, and D. This game-changing productivity exercise, especially useful in team settings, clarifies strengths and illuminates areas ripe for strategic delegation or elimination.

Optimal Work: Engage In Energizing, Skilled, Flow-Inducing Tasks You Are Known For

A work represents tasks in which you outperform most people. This is the work you’d earn an A+ on, is energizing, and lets you hit a state of flow. It's often what you are known for and exceptionally skilled at—your signature strengths. For Mel Robbins, this includes ideation, motivation, business development (with a 100 percent close rate), creative direction, recording, and spontaneous coaching. These are activities that leave you energized and drive your unique contribution.

B Work Involves Tasks You're Competent In but Not Exceptional At; They Don't Fully Energize You and Aren't Your Signature Strength—Minimize or Use As Learning Opportunities

B work encompasses tasks you’re pretty good at but not the best, and where you don’t hit flow. While you can complete B work easily and competently, it doesn’t fully energize or distinguish you. Smart people frequently fill their schedules with B tasks and can coast on competence, but this isn’t optimal. B work should be minimized or reframed as learning opportunities, and, if possible, delegated to those for whom it's A work.

C Work Involves Tasks You Are Average at, Find Embarrassing, and Lack Confidence in—Delegate or Minimize Them When Possible

C tasks are those you do averagely, perhaps with a sense of awkwardness or even embarrassment. You’re not known for these, aren’t confident in them, and you’d rather others not watch you do them. For example, Mel admits being poor at organizing and punctuality. If C work can’t be eliminated, it should be minimized or delegated to teammates who excel in those areas.

D Work: Tasks You're Notably Bad at That Should Be Eliminated or Batched

D work is where you are notably bad—worse than most. You’re slow, make mistakes, and drain valuable time and energy. Examples include Mel’s struggle with Excel spreadsheets. Such work should be eliminated from your plate if at all possible. Sometimes D work is unavoidable, and the key is to acknowledge it, batch it, and tackle it with the team in a supportive, even festive way—Van Edwards suggests D work days accompanied by music and favorite foods, fostering camaraderie around otherwise dreaded tasks.

Applying Abcd To Social Energy Reveals Priorities

The Abcd framework extends to social interactions, helping prioritize your investments of social energy and time.

People Who Energize and Feel Like Your People, Triggering Your Authentic Self and Whom You Actively Look Forward To Spending Time With, Deserve Your Protected Time and Energy

A people are those who energize you and with whom you feel completely yourself. Interactions with A people trigger your authentic self; you look forward to these connections and should protect time with them as you would with your A tasks. For Mel, this is dinner at home with loved ones—restorative and deeply fulfilling.

B People Need Moderate Social Energy for Positive or Neutral Interactions; C People Are Those You Like but Feel Awkward With, Needing Moderate Social Energy to Interact

B people are individuals you enjoy but spending time with them requires moderate effort; C people are liked but interactions feel awkward and require a conscious allocation of social energy. If you fill your calendar with too much time spent with B or C people, it becomes draining.

D People Drain Your Energy, Challenge You Negatively, Push Harmful Boundaries, and Are Relationships to Minimize or Eliminate

D people actively drain energy, push your boundaries in unhelpful ways, and make you feel like you’re only surviving. These are the relationships to minimize or eliminate in order to protect your psychological resilience and maintain overall well-being.

Strategic Task Delegation Prevents Burnout and Maximizes Performance

The core mandate of the Abcd framework is to focus your day—and your team’s structure—on optimizing A work and giving away B, C, and D work. This daily, weekly, and monthly discipline ensures valuable strengths are leveraged and energy is preserved.

Focus On Eliminating Non-a Column Tasks Daily, Weekly, and Monthly to Prioritize Valuable Work

Your priority should be the continuous reduction of tasks that are not in your A column, allowing you to spend increasing time on work that energizes and distinguishes you.

Complementary Partnerships Enhance Team Synergy

Build teams and partnerships where members have complementary strengths rather than overlapping ones. Gift non-A work to those who consider it their A work, and accept their strengths in turn for your C or D work. This enhances collective performance and individual satisfaction.

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The conversation between Mel Robbins and Vanessa Van Edwards explores actionable strategies to build influence, enhance likability, and avoid burnout, drawing on research about high achievers, the contagious nature of performance and emotion, and practical networking and communication techniques.

High Achiever Traits Reveal Path to Influence

High Performers Share Shortcuts to Say No To Difficult People, Achieve Goals, and Enjoy the Process

Vanessa Van Edwards explains that high performers distinguish themselves not by piling on tasks or saying yes to everything, but by intentionally stretching their comfort zones. They assertively manage their energy, not their to-do lists, and focus on maximizing growth without running into exhaustion. Burnout, she stresses, is the result of doing too much and is not a badge of honor or a sign of success.

High Achievers vs. Burnout: Intentional Stretching vs. Task Accumulation

High achievers proactively stretch their capacities by taking on challenges that push them out of their comfort zones, while those who burn out tend to simply accumulate more and more responsibilities. The result is that intentional stretching leads to satisfaction and growth, whereas accumulating tasks leads to stress and diminished effectiveness.

Influence of Performance and Charisma: Proximity to High Performers Boosts Performance By 15%; Low Performers Decrease It By 30%

Citing research from various industries, Van Edwards notes that sitting within 25 feet of a high performer lifts your own performance by 15%, underlining the contagious nature of excellence and charisma. Conversely, proximity to a low performer can decrease your performance by 30%. High performers elevate others, and being intentional about whom you spend time with can either boost or hinder your success.

Fear and Anxiety Spread Via Subtle Cues At Work

Van Edwards describes a study in which the scent of sweat from skydivers was enough to activate fear centers in the brains of unaware participants. This experiment shows that emotions, particularly fear and anxiety, are contagious even at a subconscious level—often transmitted through micro cues, nonverbal signals, or even chemical cues at work. If someone is secretly afraid or anxious, others pick up on it and can become anxious themselves, influencing workplace culture and group performance.

The Pygmalion Effect Creates Self-Fulfilling Prophecies of Success

Labels and Expectations Shape Outcomes

Van Edwards discusses the Pygmalion effect, the phenomenon where setting positive expectations for others and oneself leads to higher performance and success. High achievers leverage this by applying positive labels and expectations in their environments.

Labels Trigger Behavioral Changes: "You're a Magician With Presentations" or "Incredible At Cooking"

They reinforce excellence by regularly verbalizing positive attributes—telling someone "you’re a magician with presentations" or "you're so good at cooking dinner." These labels don't just reflect reality, they help create it, encouraging people to live up to the expectations set for them.

Clear Expectations Create a Positive Feedback Loop

By articulating clear, positive expectations, a feedback loop emerges: the person receiving the label strives to meet it, resulting in tangible improvements and a more supportive, high-achieving atmosphere.

Strategic Networking Positioning Maximizes Quality Connections

Positioning By Bar Exits At Networking Events Fosters Longer, Meaningful Conversations

For in-person networking, Van Edwards recommends standing near the exit of the bar. People tend to linger by exits before leaving, creating opportunities for unhurried and meaningful conversations with those who might otherwise be hard to approach.

Position Yourself to Catch the Host's Eye for Valuable Connections

She also suggests positioning yourself in the eyeline of the ho ...

Finding Meaning Through Quest Drives Success and Happiness

Vanessa Van Edwards asserts that having a quest is essential for everyone. She observes that all the happiest and most successful people she knows—regardless of how one defines success, whether by wealth, fame, or other measures—share a common trait: they have a significant quest guiding their lives.

Successful, Happy People Share a Common Trait: A Meaningful Quest

Van Edwards emphasizes that a meaningful quest is a unifying characteristic among successful, content individuals. This quest provides them with a purpose that shapes their days and energizes their actions.

Quests Range From World Travel To Nurturing Passionate Children to Skill Mastery, Providing Meaning That Transforms Tasks Into Purposeful Action

She notes that these quests can take many forms. For some, it is as ambitious as traveling to every country in the world. For others, it could be nurturing three children so that each finds their individual passion, or dedicating themselves to learning how to cook. No matter the nature of the quest, having one infuses life with meaning and turns daily tasks into purposeful action.

Purposeful Goals Create Direction and Fulfillment

Van Edwards underscores that purposeful goals—whether large quests or small ambitions—are critical for creating direction and fulfillment. Working to ...