The Most Important Divorce Advice You Will Ever Hear (From #1 Divorce Lawyer)

The process of divorce is complex and nuanced, with stages that often reflect the emotional landscape of a marriage long before the word "divorce" is spoken aloud. Understanding whether a marriage is truly broken or has simply been left unattended is crucial to determining whether reconnection is possible—or whether ending the marriage is the necessary path.

Distinguishing a Broken Marriage From one Lacking Investment

A crucial initial step is differentiating between a marriage that is genuinely broken versus one that has simply faced neglect. An unattended marriage often suffers from emotional distance, flatness, or routine, but can be salvaged with intentional focus and honest reconnection. In contrast, a broken marriage is one where foundational trust or safety has been eroded, and where real harm or loss of self has occurred.

James Sexton describes five specific situations where divorce becomes necessary:

1. Abuse: Any situation involving physical, emotional, or financial abuse—especially threats relating to children—renders love impossible because there is no safety.
2. Living Inauthentically (False Self): When one spouse is essentially living a lie or “in costume,” pretending to be someone they are not, like faking fidelity or reliability, creating a disconnect where only one partner is truly present.
3. Stolen Reality: Where one partner authors a key part of the other’s life without their knowledge or consent—be it secret gambling, undisclosed financial decisions, having a second family, or infidelity disguised for years—turning the shared reality into a fiction.
4. Repeated Harmful Behavior (Unrepentant Repeat): If one party continuously commits hurtful acts—infidelity, cruel words—and sincerely apologizes but repeats the pattern, true change never occurs. "Weaponized intimacy," where someone repeatedly uses their partner’s vulnerabilities against them, signals the relationship is not a safe place.
5. Diminished Self (Shrinking Marriage): When the marriage causes an individual to become a smaller, lesser version of themselves, suppressing their authentic self to merely maintain the relationship.

Sexton argues that a good marriage should help each person become who they truly are. When it forces someone into inauthenticity or diminishes them, it may be time to end it.

Recognizing Unhappiness Before Considering Divorce

The earliest stage that often precedes thoughts of divorce is what Sexton calls the pre-contemplative stage. In this phase, individuals experience emotional flatness, a vague malaise, or the sensation of drifting apart—without consciously linking these feelings to their marriage. There’s no obvious fighting or anger, just the slow, quiet progression of becoming “roommates,” focused solely on logistics of daily life, with emotional intimacy or curiosity vanishing.

Warning signs surface in contemptuous behavior, conversational breakdowns, and the lack of real engagement. Sexton notes that a simple check-in—talking about anything other than kids, work, or household chores—can reveal just how little connection remains. This is often when conversations are devoid of genuine questions, and everything is done by default rather than design.

The danger in this stage is “willful blindness” or ignoring the sense of something being wrong to avoid the pain of confronting it. He emphasizes that many couples run on auto-pilot, not realizing how unhappy they are until the disconnection is overwhelming. Sexton recounts sitting at the kitchen table with his then-wife, recognizing unhappy but loving feelings and accepting that their marriage was no longer working despite mutual goodwill.

Identifying When Divorce Becomes a Consideration

The next phase—the contemplative stage—begins when the word "divorce" enters private thoughts, often during sleepless nights. Here, one privately inventories the marriage’s problems, weighs their significance, and considers life apart. This silent trial features no input from the spouse, just personal reflection and burgeoning honesty.

Sexton advises that couples should not wait for the list of problems to grow unmanageable. Instead, they should interrogate not only the state of the relationship but also recen ...

Effective handling of divorce requires deliberate planning on financial, legal, and emotional levels, as well as strategic communication and logistics surrounding the initial disclosure.

Preparing Financially and Legally Before Disclosing the Decision

Before revealing the decision to divorce, it is essential to organize and secure access to important financial and legal documents. James Sexton and Mel Robbins emphasize gathering copies of financial records, knowing the location of assets, maintaining access to funds, and having all necessary logins and backups to accounts. This preparation is crucial as one cannot predict the other spouse’s reaction, and being unprepared could result in being cut off from essential resources.

Sexton points out that it is rare for both spouses to have equal access to or interest in financial information. Often, one partner manages investments and accounts while the other remains uninformed. Regardless of interest, every spouse should have a general understanding of where money is, approximate values of retirement savings and liquid assets, the identity of any financial planners, and details about life insurance. This financial awareness is important not only for divorce but also in the event of unexpected circumstances such as death. Consulting a lawyer before disclosing the intention to divorce helps clarify legal rights and obligations and offers vital counsel for upcoming steps.

Communicating the Divorce Decision With Clarity and Compassion

Sexton recommends communicating the decision using a direct phrase—such as "I have given this a lot of thought, our marriage needs to end"—and then remaining silent. He stresses the importance of avoiding preambles or lengthy explanations. Stating the decision clearly in the first ten seconds prevents inviting debate or fueling arguments; offering reasons only leads to counterpoints and unnecessary discussions when the decision has already been made.

Ownership of personal responsibility is key. Sexton suggests acknowledging one’s role in the marriage difficulties before announcing the decision. For instance, expressing, "I know I never meant to hurt you, but I have, and I am profoundly sorry. I’m not going to double down on that pain by staying," can reduce defensiveness and create space for honest processing. Responsible communication is clear, concise, honest, and avoids giving false hope.

Implementing a 48-hour Plan After Divorce Disclosure

Following disclosure of divorce, Sexton advises having a “48-hour plan.” The plan ensures that, for at least two days after sharing the news, there is a temporary physical separation between spouses. This helps prevent emotional escalation and shields children from the immediate aftermath. Ideally, children should be out of the house—at a grandparent’s or friend’s home—removing them from the emotional impact in the "blast radius" of the initial announcement.

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James Sexton and Mel Robbins discuss the emotional process of healing after divorce, offering practical strategies for grief, self-discovery, and building a purposeful life beyond marriage.

Unattended Grief and Toxic Sorrow Post-Divorce

Sexton argues that unattended sorrow is deeply toxic after divorce. He stresses the importance of acknowledging grief, explaining that grief is not proof that love failed but rather evidence that love mattered. Denying the pain by rewriting the past or pretending the marriage was meaningless undermines authentic healing. Sexton notes that it’s common to feel sad for both the marriage that once was and the life that now won’t be lived. Rather than letting unchecked sadness consume your whole day, Sexton recommends making a structured “appointment” with grief—such as sitting down every Sunday at one o’clock to be sad, cry, and listen to music. By doing so, individuals can function in daily life while still honoring and processing the emotional reality of loss.

Structured Emotional and Psychological Processing of Divorce

Sexton suggests structured practices for working through pain. He shares the therapeutic exercise of writing a letter to one’s ex-partner with all the unspoken thoughts and, in turn, a response letter with needed words and closure. This process, while difficult, promotes psychological resolution and clarity. Furthermore, Sexton cautions against immediately seeking new romantic relationships as a way to avoid grief. Jumping into new partnerships doesn’t repair underlying issues, and often perpetuates unhealthy dynamics. Instead, he strongly recommends engaging with a therapist to understand relational patterns and personal needs before turning to dating apps or new partners. This thoughtful approach prevents repeating mistakes and solidifies healthier relationship foundations in the future.

Identity and Purpose Beyond Marriage and Partner

To regain a sense of self, Sexton advises reconnecting with activities, hobbies, and interests that may have been abandoned during the marriage. He recommends making a list of things once enjoyed—like yoga classes or museum visits—and actively scheduling them over the next few weeks, treating these as dates with oneself. Sexton encourages drawing on pillars of support, such as community, family, faith groups, pets, and hobbies. He specifically highlights volunteer work as a way to counter feelings of shame after divorce—reminding individuals of their value and their place in the world.

Designing Post-Divorc ...

James Sexton provides comprehensive guidance on navigating relationships, networks, and family dynamics before, during, and after divorce, with an emphasis on clear communication, targeted support, and respect for evolving social structures.

Preventing Fracture Through Clear Communication on Dissolution

Sexton cautions that inviting too many people into the emotional discourse of divorce, especially during moments of distress, can draw friends and family into taking sides, which strains social networks. He advocates that both divorcing partners present a joint public statement—such as on social media—noting that the marriage has ended, both want privacy, and their focus remains on co-parenting. This statement should urge friends and family to refrain from choosing sides, treat each party with continued love and respect, and remember that while the relationship has changed form, the family itself endures.

Sexton reframes divorce not as a family’s end but as a restructuring, likening it to “changing shape” or restructuring a company that both parents will co-own for life. He advises viewing conflicts with perspective, recognizing that even if children are young, their future milestones—like weddings—will be shaped by how the divorce is handled now. He suggests defining key family goals early, writing them down, and entrusting someone to remind the parties of these goals when emotions threaten clarity. Framing divorce as restructuring, rather than collapse, helps ease pressure and encourages friends to maintain strong relationships with both individuals.

Supporting Divorcees By Meeting Their Specific Needs, Not Assuming

Sexton emphasizes the value of support tailored to the needs of the divorcing individual rather than vague offers of help. Instead of general statements like “let me know how I can help,” he recommends concrete and actionable invitations such as, “Do you want to have dinner Thursday?” or, “Let’s go see a movie.” He advocates providing a menu of options—casual conversation, active distraction, or simple companionship—allowing the person experiencing divorce to signal what they need most in a given moment.

He underscores the importance of openly acknowledging emotional pain without expecting to offer a solution. Sexton tells grieving friends, “I wish I knew the perfect thing to say because I would say it right now,” following it with affirmation and love, expressing, “I love you and it hurts that you’re hurting.” This validates the experience without presuming to fix it.

Providing Assistance That Honors Autonomy While Reducing Burden

Sexton counsels well-wishers to request permission before assisting with specific tasks, which affirms the divorcee’s agency while reducing their burden. Suggestions such as mowing the lawn, taking children out for a day, or cooking dinner are offered as examples, always with the question, “Can you let me do something for you? Would you do me the favor of letting me help?” This approach respects autonomy and choice, avoiding the pitfalls of imposing help or making assumptions about what is needed.

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