Stop Wasting Your Energy: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change & What to Do Instead

Dolly Chugh distills insights from behavioral science to explain why people often resist change, revealing that psychological barriers stand between knowing and actually doing. She likens these internal barriers to "bodyguards" in the mind whose job is to protect us, but in doing so, they often obstruct our growth.

The Mind's two Protective Bodyguards Obstruct Growth

Chugh introduces the concept that the mind employs two primary "bodyguards"—energy and ego—that act as powerful forces of resistance to change.

Energy Bodyguard Operates On Autopilot and Conserves Resources

The first bodyguard, energy, aims to conserve mental and physical resources by running many processes on autopilot. Chugh illustrates this with an everyday example: after a long day, someone might arrive home only to realize they don’t remember the commute—walking, driving, or riding public transit—because it happens automatically through established habits. Studies suggest the brain is processing up to 11 million little thoughts at a time, of which only about 40 are consciously considered. This energy bodyguard prioritizes efficiency, enabling people to function without excessive deliberation over routine tasks. However, this also keeps behavior stable and resists change, as adjustments require conscious, energy-intensive effort.

Ego Bodyguard Protects Identity and Self-Image Over Physical Needs

The second, even more formidable bodyguard, is ego. This bodyguard protects identity, self-image, and the sense of who we are. Research has shown that people value validation of important aspects of their identity even more than favorite foods, social time, or pleasurable experiences. If change threatens the ego or self-image, resistance is especially strong—people push away anything that might prompt them to become someone else or reinterpret themselves in uncomfortable ways.

Agency as a Need Resists Pressure

Mel Robbins expands on this with the issue of agency—a basic need to feel self-directed and autonomous. When someone feels pressured or told what to do, even by themselves, their core sense of agency rebels. Both Chugh and Robbins recognize that even self-imposed instructions can lead to internal negotiation and pushback. Thus, agency functions as a third line of psychological defense, resisting external or internal mandates for change.

Unlearning: The Bridge Between Knowing and Doing

Chugh delves into the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it, attributing much of this struggle to deeply embedded habits that must be unlearned before real change can occur.

Stroop Task Demonstrates Internal Friction for True Change

To make this tangible, Chugh demonstrates the Stroop task with Robbins: reading color words written in mismatched ink colors. Identifying the font color rather than reading the word creates a cognitive conflict. Doing so requires unlearning the automatic tendency to read, resulting in palpable mental friction and confusion. This, Chugh explains, is what real change feels like.

Change Requires Releasing Old and Learning New Habits

Unlearning is a two-step process: first letting go of ingrained habits or knowledge, then forming new mental pathways. Robbins notes the moment she experiences resistance is similar to the discomfort anyone feels when trying something unfamiliar or contrary to routine, from breaking physical inertia to putting aside distractions.

Unlearning Discomfort Explains why Change Feels Hard

The mental di ...

Mel Robbins and Dr. Dolly Chugh explain practical, research-backed methods for inspiring real change in others, focusing on showing vulnerability, encouraging new behaviors, and reinforcing positive changes. They also examine the difference between “push” and “pull” strategies for sustaining change.

Three Methods to Move Someone Toward Change

Dr. Dolly Chugh asserts there are only three effective ways to inspire change in others, challenging listeners to recognize that their instinctive approaches are rarely these proven methods.

Modeling Change Requires Making Your Growth Struggles Visible

Modeling change means making your own growth process visible—showing others the struggles and setbacks you face. Chugh illustrates this with the well-known story of Gandhi, who refused to give advice about not eating sugar until he had stopped eating sugar himself. The principle is that to authentically inspire change, you must demonstrate it personally and acknowledge your own challenges and failures. For example, if you want a partner to stop snapping at the kids, instead of criticizing them, talk openly about your own struggles with patience and what you try to do to improve. Mel Robbins calls this "owning it," such as admitting to being distracted in class or running late. She implements “shout outs and own its” in meetings to cultivate an environment where people are encouraged to admit mistakes and take accountability, making growth and reflection part of the group culture.

Fostering Change By Encouraging New Behaviors Without Shame or Judgment

The second technique, inviting change, is about creating space for someone to try new behaviors without fear of judgment or shame. Chugh explains that this involves allowing others to experiment with new approaches—even if awkward—and avoiding criticism during this process. Supporting attempts, not just successes, is vital. As an example, she describes her parenting technique of singing to her children to motivate them—her bad singing becomes a humorous and effective way to foster compliance without negativity. The key is to recognize and support unlearning and stumbling as part of authentic change.

Rewarding Change Through Recognition and Appreciation Reinforces Behaviors

The third technique is rewarding change. This can be done through public or private affirmation, tailored to what the person appreciates most. It includes recognizing attempts at change, expressing gratitude, and highlighting specific positive outcomes (e.g., acknowledging when a partner gives a child positive attention). Robbins and Chugh discuss “shout outs” as public recognition, such as praising a classmate who asked an important question, or taking a photo to celebrate children making their beds. Robbins cautions that too much praise can dull the impact of feedback, emphasizing that sincere, specific acknowledgment is most effective at reinforcing and sustaining new behaviors.

Push Versus Pull Strategies Determine Whether Change Lasts

Robbins and Chugh contrast push strategies, which use authority, and pull strategies, which foster intrinsic motivation.

Push Techniques Use Authority but Often Nee ...

Dolly Chugh and Mel Robbins explore the benefits of transitioning from a perfectionist framework of “being good” to the more dynamic, forgiving concept of “being goodish.” This mindset prioritizes growth, learning, and progress over relentless self-judgment and impossible standards.

Redefining Success as Progress Rather Than Perfection

Chugh encourages a shift from trying to prove oneself to focusing on continuous improvement. She argues that hope and energy can be found in growth, while the urge to prove oneself against a static standard leads to exhaustion and self-doubt. Robbins underscores that many people judge their worth by whether they meet impossible benchmarks, such as keeping the house spotless, promptly responding to emails, excelling at work, volunteering, and caring for family. When these benchmarks aren't met, people feel like they have failed—creating a daily sense of inadequacy.

Chugh points out that moral standards often set unattainable benchmarks. People believe they should inherently know how to act in morally charged situations, and if they don’t, they judge themselves harshly. Robbins suggests that anyone listening to their conversation is likely very hard on themselves, constantly trying and often ending the day feeling they didn’t do enough. She notes that by setting impossible standards for being a “good person,” one is destined always to feel behind, with a running list of uncompleted tasks weighing them down.

Chugh distinguishes between the concept of a “good person”—a static identity you either embody or don’t—and a “goodish person,” who is always working to get better. In this framework, success is measured by growth and learning, not by flawlessness or always getting things right. Questions such as “Did I learn something?” and “Did I try my best?” are emphasized over “Did I do everything right?” Chugh shares a parenting approach focused on process rather than outcomes: when her children brought home grades, she and her husband focused not on the grade but on understanding what was done well or could be improved, and whether best effort was given. She proposes that adults use the same questions at the end of each day, cultivating self-reflection and growth.

Robbins encourages letting go of exhaustion from constantly trying to prove one's goodness and instead embracing learning and improvement. Chugh adds that trying to meet unachievable standards leads to “learned helplessness”—a belief that continual effort is pointless if results never seem enough. By redefining evaluation as progress and learning, the mindset becomes less exhausting and more sustainable.

Taking Ownership Without Self-Condemnation

Chugh insists that embracing a “goodish” mindset doesn’t mean sidestepping accountability. Instead of deflecting blame or brushing off mistakes, she advocates for ownership that’s rooted in learning, not self-condemnation. When someone po ...

Behavior-Specific Feedback Removes Room For Argument and Defense

Mel Robbins and Dolly Chugh discuss how the way feedback is delivered can trigger defensiveness, especially when adjectives are used. Robbins admits to giving vague, adjective-filled feedback—such as saying something isn’t “polished enough”—when she’s emotionally charged or annoyed, especially with her family. Chugh points out that adjectives like “polished” or “thorough” are easily interpreted in different ways, leading to misunderstanding and argument, since everyone has their own definition.

Chugh and Robbins emphasize that feedback grounded in observable behaviors and examples is hard to argue with. For instance, instead of labeling work as not polished, Chugh demonstrates specifying the observable issue: pointing out that one slide refers to a client’s business as “hospitality” while another says “food and beverage.” This specific observation is indisputable evidence and clarifies exactly what needs to change. Robbins provides a real-life example where she returned home to a messy bunk room and, instead of reacting emotionally, took a photo of the mess. She sent the photo to her family’s group chat as concrete evidence supporting her feedback.

Chugh outlines that effective feedback should contain three key components: (1) Clearly stating expectations so people know what good looks like, (2) sharing observations of actual behaviors (such as the photo of the mess), and (3) describing the impact of those behaviors (for Robbins, the negative feeling upon coming home to the mess after being gone eight days).

"Weight Rule" Determines When Advice Should Be Given

Dolly Chugh introduces the “weight rule” (Why Am I Talking?), which guides whether to offer advice. She notes that unsolicited advice often strips recipients of agency and autonomy. If someone repeatedly complains but never acts on your suggestions, it may be a sign to stop giving advice. The first step is to ask: Have they actually requested help or advice? Most people, especially those we care about, don’t directly ask for help in solving problems.

Chugh recommends directly asking what the person wants: “Do you want to be heard, hugged, helped, or high-fived?” “Heard” means wanting to vent, “hugged” means seeking comfort, “helped” means they want advice, and “high-fived” means they want recognition or encouragement. Robbins and Chugh observe that in 90% of cases, people just want to be heard, not fixed. Robbins confesses her tendency to try and uplift someone immediately rather than simply providing the comfort they’re seeking.

"One to 10 Rule" Distinguishes Key Issues

Robbins and Chu ...

Mel Robbins and Dolly Chugh explore the complexities of offering support and the risks of inadvertently enabling others, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and boundaries.

Recognizing When Support Becomes an Impediment to Growth

Robbins highlights that offering financial or practical help, such as providing someone with money or a place to live, often stems from a desire to do everything possible for a loved one in need. However, she explains that this "soft cushion of support" can prevent individuals from fully reckoning with the real consequences of their decisions. Without facing these necessary consequences, people may remain stuck in destructive patterns they haven't yet unlearned or been willing to challenge.

Chugh describes her definition of "hell on earth" as watching someone she loves suffer and feeling powerless to help. She acknowledges that the instinct to intervene is intense and stems from a deep desire to alleviate not just their pain, but also the discomfort of witnessing a loved one's distress. She notes that often, what feels like support is actually an attempt to cope with her own feelings of helplessness. This helper-centric aid may soothe the supporter but can inadvertently harm the person needing support by shielding them from experiences that might prompt change.

Robbins advises that true support sometimes demands stepping back so that loved ones can feel "the dignity of their own experience" and the weight of their choices. She stresses that recognizing when someone does not want or is not ready to change is crucial to breaking the cycle of enabling.

Understanding the Limits of Your Influence and Control

Robbins reflects on the realization that holding herself to the impossible standard of saving o ...