If Someone You Love Is Having a Hard Time, Listen to This

Mental Health Involves Constructively Managing Emotions Aligned With Circumstances, Not Lacking Discomfort

Lisa Damour challenges the prevailing cultural narrative that mental health equates to constant happiness, calm, or relaxation. Psychologists, she explains, do not assess mental health by how good or relaxed someone feels. Instead, they look at whether a person’s emotions fit the circumstances and if those emotions are being managed well. For instance, feeling distressed after a breakup, anxious before a big test, or angry after being treated poorly are not signs of mental illness. Rather, they are expected and appropriate responses to those situations and show that a person’s emotional system is functioning as it should.

Damour points out that the misconception that mental health means always feeling good causes many people to feel something is wrong with them when they experience normal, appropriate distress. Mel Robbins echoes this, noting that feelings like guilt, fear, shame, anger, upset, and heartbreak are often wrongly painted as weakness. In reality, if these feelings align with the situation, they are signs of mental wellness. There is no universal "right" emotion for any circumstance, as personal history and context shape individual emotional responses, but the presence of difficult feelings in response to difficulty is generally healthy.

Distinction Between Distress and Mental Health Lies In Emotional Impact on Functioning and Coping Strategies

The crucial distinction, Damour says, is how emotions impact daily functioning and how individuals cope. Appropriate distress only becomes a mental health concern if it begins to interfere with someone’s ability to live their life. For example, sadness after a loss is healthy, but if mood remains so low that it darkens every aspect of life, it may be depression. Some anxiety before a big event is normal, but anxiety that becomes paralyzing and prevents necessary activities is problematic.

Psychologists assess for two red flags: when emotions undermine the ability to function and when people turn to "costly coping" mechanisms such as substance abuse, self-harm, neglecting responsibilities, or social withdrawal. Maladaptive coping works in the short term by relieving distress but carries a steep price, creating new problems or side effects. Examples include playing video games all night to escape bad feelings—helpful in the moment but problematic if it leads to missed homework or skipped commitments. Similarly, substance use may numb pain effectively but brings its own set of concerns.

Damour stresses the importance of approaching people compassionately and non-judgmentally when they engage in self-destructive coping. People use these behaviors beca ...

Understanding the difference between normal adolescent distress and signs of deeper problems is critical. Experts warn that changes in physical and behavioral patterns, especially regarding eating and exercise, can signal the need for intervention. Social media and societal pressures further complicate the landscape, often fueling unhealthy norms and self-perceptions.

Red Flags: Behavioral Patterns and Physical Changes Need Intervention

Lisa Damour explains that teenagers are expected to gain weight and strength during typical development, especially after puberty. Unexplained weight loss in teens is unusual and should not be dismissed as a sign of health. Instead, it warrants a discussion with a pediatrician to determine if weight loss is medically appropriate. In rare cases where it is, any weight management should occur under professional guidance with a pediatrician and nutritionist.

A notable red flag is the sudden removal of entire food categories from a teen’s diet without a medical reason. Damour shares that, while not every teenager who becomes vegetarian develops an eating disorder, everyone who does develop an eating disorder eliminates food categories. Mel Robbins highlights that trends like going gluten-free, vegan, or dairy-free often become socially acceptable ways to mask disordered eating, even in the absence of health conditions or allergies.

Damour encourages vigilance for statements like “I don’t eat sugar,” suggesting that actions may matter more than words. If the restriction is rigid and not occasionally broken, concern is warranted, especially if joy and variety in eating have disappeared. The goal is to ensure that food remains a source of pleasure and nutrition, not anxiety or rigidity.

Extreme fitness and dietary habits in teens also require careful observation. Mel Robbins recounts parents’ confusion in distinguishing between healthy habits and concerning patterns when their teens receive positive reinforcement for looking fit or engaging in intensive exercise. Damour advises that when teens resort to eating only low-calorie foods or engage in excessive exercise, this may indicate poor self-care—not healthy behavior. Adults should initiate gentle, caring conversations, underscoring the importance of balance, variety, and kindness to the body. Open questions like “Are you taking good care of yourself?” or “Are you eating enough variety?” can prompt reflection and reveal hidden problems.

Suicidal Thoughts Are Common; Asking Directly Provides Relief

Lisa Damour points out that suicidal thoughts among teenagers are common and do not always signal imminent danger. Many teens experience fleeting suicidal ideation—often during distress or conflict without serious intent. Mel Robbins shares that teens are sometimes surprised to learn that these thoughts are frequent and can pass without escalation.

When caregivers worry about a teen’s safety, Damour stresses the importance of asking about suicidal thoughts directly. She recommends approaching the conversation with context—citing specific changes or distress observed—before asking, “Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life?” Research shows that directly asking does not increase risk; instead, most teens feel relieved and supported simply by being asked.

Mel Robbins emphasizes the importance of this approach, explaining that research and personal anecdotes confirm that talking openly about suicidal feelings often provides comfort and relief, even to teens who have not been considering suicide.

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Lisa Damour and Mel Robbins discuss approaches to supporting individuals—especially teenagers—who are struggling with destructive behaviors, emphasizing the use of precise language, calm presence, and empathetic responses to foster productive and supportive conversations.

Addressing Destructive Coping By Emphasizing Healthier Desires

Damour highlights the importance of recognizing that people who engage in harmful behaviors often have mixed feelings: part of them wants to continue the behavior, while another part seeks support and relief from their pain. To avoid conflict and support healthier impulses, Damour suggests acknowledging both sides. For instance, clinicians might say, “Clearly part of you is thinking about hurting yourself, but part of you wants help. I’m going to stick up for the part of you that wants help.” Robbins paraphrases this approach with, “There’s a part of you that is really considering this...but there’s a part that wants help, and that’s the part I’m speaking to.” Damour adds, “You wouldn’t be letting me know if you didn’t want help.”

An alternative, non-confrontational approach is to focus on the ineffectiveness of the current coping behavior: “What you’re doing isn’t working. We need another way.” This avoids a showdown and instead appeals to the individual’s desire to feel better, opening space for productive change.

Limit Responses To Eight Words in Difficult Conversations

Damour shares a practical technique from her clinical training: limit supportive utterances to eight words. This constraint enforces clarity, prevents intellectualization, and ensures responses reach the person’s heart rather than their head. The discipline of brief, direct replies helps distill supportive messages down to their essence. Short statements such as, “That stinks,” or “I’m here,” convey empathy and steady presence more effectively than lengthy explanations or rushed problem-solving.

Calm Presence More Helpful Than Matching Intensity or Rushing to Solve

When teenagers express intense emotions, adults’ reactions significantly shape the teen’s experience. If parents or caregivers react with agitation or distress, it heightens anxiety and can make problems seem larger. Instead, Damour advises remaining calm and attentive, listening deeply, and offering validation: “You are there for it, but you’re incredibly steady.” This calm empathy is often all teenagers want, and starting with empathetic listening is rarely the wrong move. Matching their intensity or rushing to solve problems can undermine support and escalate the situation.

Calmly Address Concerning Behavior Without Panic

Shocked or panicked adult reactions to discovering harmful behavior escalate conflicts and hinder helpful communication. Damour recommends processing fear and worry before speaking, then calmly indicating the need for a conversation: for instance, “We’re going to have to talk about what’s happening here.” Adopting a composed and measured approach prevents unnecessary confrontation and creates space for honest dialogue.

Offering Help or a Listening Ear Helps Adults Manage Emotional Responses

Damour advises that adults should accept teenagers’ emotion ...

Externalization—Offloading Emotions Onto Trusted Adults and Moving On—Is a Normal Teenage Defense Mechanism

Teenagers Call a Trusted Adult, Express Distress, Then Disengage, Expecting the Adult to Absorb Their Emotions

Teen Emotional Dumps: Frustrating but Developmentally Normal

Adults as Emotional Collectors: Receive, Relieve, Release

Mel Robbins and Lisa Damour describe a common pattern in teenage emotional development: externalization. Robbins shares that her teenage daughters will repeatedly call her in distress, vent all their emotions, and then disengage, leaving her burdened with their feelings while they move on as if nothing happened. Damour recounts a similar experience from her own college years, where she would call her mother to unload her emotional discomfort, feel instantly better, and resume her normal activities—while her mother was left anxious and sleepless.

Both emphasize that after this emotional dumping, teens typically avoid follow-up communication and expect that adults will simply absorb and neutralize the distress. Damour likens the adult’s role to being an “emotional garbage collector,” who lets the teen unload and then discards the emotional trash rather than carrying it around. She stresses that this is a normal and longstanding adolescent defense mechanism: it is developmentally appropriate, even if it feels highly frustrating and overwhelming for parents or caregivers.

Girls and Boys Manage Emotions Differently: Girls Discuss, Boys Distract; Extremes Cause Issues

Girls Sharing Feelings With Friends Fosters Healthy Expression, but Hours-Long Discussions Can Lead To Mood-Worsening Rumination Through Repetitive Focus

Girls Absorb Friends' Emotional Pain, Creating a Cycle of Shared Distress

Distraction As Coping: Risks of Emotional Withdrawal For Boys

Ideal Gender Approach: Balancing Discussion, Distraction, Emotional Management Techniques

Damour outlines distinct gender patterns in emotional processing: girls, when distressed, tend to discuss their feelings with friends, while boys prefer distraction through activities like sports or video games. Both methods are valid, but taken to extremes can cause problems.

For girls, discussing emotional issues with friends often leads to validation and healthy expression. However, hours-long discussions can devolve into rumination, repeatedly focusing on the problem and making them feel worse, much like “picking at an emotional wound.” Girls are also more prone to absorbing friends' emotional pain, creating a cycle of shared distress.

For boys, distraction is a common coping tool—playing basketball, for example, helps process and move past distress. But excessive reliance on distraction, especially emotional withdrawal such as spending hours gaming to avoid feelings, leads to problems: boys may not develop verbal fluency in expressing emotions and might not receive needed support, becoming increasingly reserved.

Damour notes that optimal emotional management for both genders is balance. Teens benefit from a combination of discussion, distraction, and other coping techniques. Parents and peers should encourage both talking and healthy disengagement, helping teens avoid getting stuck in just one pattern of emotional management.

Avoidance Strengthens Anxiety; Exposure By Facing Fears Is the Evidence-Based Solution Despite Discomfort

Avoiding Anxiety Triggers Reinforces Future Behavior

Avoiding Feared Situations Prevents Evidence Gathering, Keeping Worst-Case Scenarios Imagined and Seemingly True

Avoiding School Causes Academic and Social Setbacks, Complicating Re-entry

Solution: Gradually Face Fears By Taking Small Steps, Like Attending a Party Briefly, to Break Avoidance and Prove Manageability

All hosts agree that avoidance is “anxiety's best friend.” When teens avoid anxiety-provoking situations—such as social events or new schools—they experience immediate relief, reinforcing avoidance as a coping strategy. This cycle means they never collect real-life evidence to challenge their worst fears; imagined dangers remain untested and persistent, “sealed in amber.”

Robbins gives a personal example of how homesickness at camp led to repeated avoidance, disrupting long-term coping ability. They note that continually switching schools or activities to avoid anxiety ultimately locks in avoidance as a habitual response, making it harder to adapt.

The evidence-based solution is exposure: encouraging teens to face their fears in manageable ways. For example, a parent might negotiate with a socially anxious teen to attend a party for just 20 minutes with an option for early pickup. Gradual, supported exposure allows anxiety to dissipate in reality, rather than reinforcing avoidance and helping the teen build resilience.

Anxiety Isn't Pathological; Alerts To Needed Attention or Change

Healthy Anxiety Is a Response to Genuine Danger or Challenge, Distinct From Anxiety Disorders

Stress: An Adaptation Key, Problematic When Chronic or Traumatic

Reframe Healthy Anxiety and Stress As Growth Indicators, Not Pathologies

Damour clarifies that anxiety is not inherently pathologic ...