Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking

In today's episode, Mel Robbins and her son Oakley discuss a practical four-part checklist to help people pinpoint whether their unhappiness comes from their situation—be it a relationship, job, or where they live—or from how they are engaging with that situation. Drawing from their own experiences, particularly Oakley’s struggle during his early college years, they offer strategies for self-reflection and growth, guiding listeners in navigating discontent and indecision about whether to stay or make a change.

Stop Comparing Your Current Situation To Your Past

The first step is to recognize and stop comparing your current chapter to any previous period of your life. Mel emphasizes that comparison inevitably breeds judgment, leading to dissatisfaction with the present because it is measured against a past that is often idealized or fantasized. Clinging to a “best days are behind me” mentality is unfair to where you are now, whether that’s a new relationship, job, or hometown. The act of holding the past over the present not only blinds you to what is possible but also shuts you off from the positive opportunities in your current circumstances.

Mel and Oakley both share personal examples—Oakley with his year and a half of misery at college, and Mel adapting poorly to moving from a Boston suburb to a rural town—of how relentless comparison and nostalgia for past comforts made appreciating the present impossible. Mel describes how she missed out on forming new connections or enjoying new experiences because she couldn’t stop longing for her old life, a feeling intensified every time she saw friends living as she once did. Only by consciously releasing that grip on a closed door, she says, could she see the possibilities around her and finally “open the new door” to a different, but potentially rewarding, chapter.

Evaluate Your Energy Level and Willingness to Engage

The second checkpoint asks you to honestly assess how you’re showing up: Are you energetically engaging with your new situation, or are you closed off, arms crossed, and resistant? Mel describes how withdrawing from opportunities, refusing invitations, and shrinking one’s energy are all signals that you are not truly giving the present a chance. When you are judgmental or focusing on reasons not to belong, you close yourself off from discovering new people, experiences, and fulfillment.

Mel and Oakley both note how stubbornness and negativity can reinforce isolation and reinforce the idea that you don’t fit in. They stress that embracing opportunities—saying “yes” even when it feels uncomfortable—can gradually create positive changes. Mel advises listeners to give a new situation at least a year, taking full responsibility for how they are showing up, and pushing out of their comfort zones. Oakley confesses to complaining and retreating at every opportunity in his first months at college before realizing things would never improve if he refused to participate. Only after persistently trying, reaching out, and saying "yes" did he begin to build friendships and see the good in his new setting.

Commit 100 Percent Without Secret Exits

The third item asks whether you are fully committed or have one foot out the door—physically or mentally. Mel and Oakley both recount literal and figurative “exits” they maintained while struggling with change—commuting back to old places, maintaining relationships back home, or mentally fantasizing about different scenarios. Mel references the concept of “closing the exits,” arguing that as long as a backup or escape route exists, you can never be fully invested in the present, nor authentically engage with new possibilities.

This commitment must be wholehearted—no partial efforts, no holding onto ways to slip back. Oakley describes how maintaining contact with his girlfriend back home kept him from taking risks and truly settling into college life. It was ...

Mel Robbins and Oakley Robbins explore how personal change and agency are essential in moving from unhappiness to fulfillment, emphasizing that experience in life chapters is more important than just focusing on happiness or achieving certain goals.

Change Your Experience Through Choices and Effort

Mel Robbins asserts that if nothing changes, nothing changes. She explains that the only aspect you can truly control is yourself—your attitude, energy, actions, and mindset—which can transform your experience. Oakley Robbins adds that waiting for someone else or for things to click prevents real change. She reflects on her own tendency to wait for others to make things better and acknowledges that it’s ultimately on each individual to create the experiences they want. Mel emphasizes that putting your head down and hoping to fit in leads to withdrawal and a sense of being outside. She urges self-inquiry for anyone feeling disconnected: ask yourself, “How many people have I asked to spend time together, or have I taken steps to connect with others?”

They underscore that waiting for others or hoping for miraculous change hinders action and growth. Oakley notes the importance of realizing, “It’s on you”—you can’t hope an event, person, or moment will fix things. It’s your responsibility to get up, meet people, try new things, and change your outlook. Taking that first step leads to momentum, and with effort, life generally becomes better. Mel points out that your only power is in the changes you make, which can transform not just your situation, but also how you experience yourself.

Recognizing your power means actively pursuing happiness through intentional actions—accepting invitations, reaching out to friends, or expressing interest in others’ lives. Mel notes that so-called “lucky” people intentionally put themselves in the flow of what they want by regularly taking small actions, increasing their opportunities for connection and success. Even if your situation doesn’t improve, the process of change is a positive outcome itself.

Growth Emerges From Discomfort Rather Than Avoidance

Oakley shares that she lived through sadness and loneliness for a year and a half by doing nothing, which led to discomfort and fear about her own capacity for tolerating unhappiness. Mel warns against becoming complacent in unhappiness, recognizing that this tolerance allows people to sit in misery longer than necessary. Both agree that the key insight is recognizing ...

Robbins and Oakley explore how a transformative shift in mindset, attitude, and active participation shaped Oakley’s journey from unhappiness to contentment and belonging. They argue that embracing change, letting go of the past, saying yes to opportunities, and persistence in relationship-building lead to a more fulfilling experience.

Embracing a New Chapter Without Comparing To the Past Is Transformative

Oakley describes how he initially hated his first year and a half of college, feeling lost and down. The pivotal change came when he altered his mindset. He realized he could not return to who he once was, saying, "I'm just going to appreciate and see who I am going to become in this new place." Mel Robbins emphasizes the necessity of lowering expectations, avoiding comparisons to the past, and focusing on who one is becoming, not who one was.

Letting go of expectations opened Oakley to new paths to happiness. Robbins explains that being present and expansively engaging with a new chapter, rather than resisting it or wishing for a return to past happiness, allows surprise and contentment: "You'll be shocked by what can happen in a year." Accepting one's current location without judgment, and appreciating positives, even in a town "with more cows than people," can yield happiness and connection.

Yes To Opportunities, Actions Create Connections and Belonging

Oakley reveals that the biggest catalyst for change was his willingness to act. He began saying yes to opportunities, rejoining the Frisbee team, hanging out more with friends, attending every invitation—parties, lunches, and casual meetings. He consistently reached out to both friends and acquaintances, pushing himself to initiate contact, even when it felt uncomfortable at first.

This active participation built relationships over time. Mel Robbins underscores that connections and belonging stem from effort: "The more people you say hello to... you put yourself in a position to be lucky because you're in the same room." Oakley notes that initial attempts at socializing often felt awkward and sometimes even negative. Early experiences sometimes left him with a worse feeling; however, persistence was key. He stresses, "You can't just do it once... you have to try it a few good times ...

Reflecting on personal experiences, Robbins discusses the challenges and growth that come from fully investing in a new chapter in life. By deliberately closing off escape routes to the past, individuals can confront discomfort, grieve what’s lost, and open themselves to new possibilities.

Eliminating Escape Routes That Prevent Full Situation Investment

Maintaining Contact With the Past Offers an Escape Route During Hard Times

Oakley Robbins recounts how, during her first year away from home, she often avoided new social experiences by maintaining her relationship with her girlfriend. Staying in her dorm to call her girlfriend provided an outlet and a reason to avoid engaging with her current environment. Even after breaking up, continued communication served as a ready escape route whenever things became difficult or lonely.

No Contact With the Past Redirects Your Focus to the Present

Oakley emphasizes that simply declaring an end to a relationship, while still keeping communication lines open, leaves the exit door ajar. For her, it wasn’t until she and her girlfriend went full no contact—truly “burning the exit”—that she was forced to commit to the present. While the initial period of no contact was painful and challenging, it gradually became easier, redirecting her focus toward building a new life.

No Exits: Work Through Discomfort Instead of Fleeing

Mel Robbins reflects that retreating to her old life delayed the process of building happiness in a new chapter. Oakley acknowledges that without an exit, she had to work through uncomfortable situations and find her own path forward rather than constantly falling back on her past relationship. This process, though difficult, became essential for personal growth and adaptation.

Grieving What You Leave Is Natural When Committing To What's Next

Grieving the End of a Chapter Despite New Opportunities Deserves Acknowledgment

Mel Robbins observes that leaving behind an old chapter, especially a significant relationship, ...