If Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Listen to This
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, Maya Shankar and Mel Robbins examine why change feels uncomfortable and how people often misjudge its emotional impact. They explore the brain's natural resistance to uncertainty and discuss how change, despite causing discomfort, can stimulate neuroplasticity and lead to personal growth.
The conversation presents practical strategies for managing change, including cognitive reappraisal techniques and methods for redefining personal identity during transitions. Shankar shares insights from her experience as a former violinist to illustrate the importance of avoiding identity foreclosure—the tendency to define oneself through a single role. The discussion covers specific tools like "temptation bundling" and self-distancing techniques that can help people navigate periods of change more effectively.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Mar 26, 2026 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
The Psychology of Change and Disruption
Maya Shankar and Mel Robbins explore why change feels uncomfortable and how we often misinterpret its long-term emotional impact on our lives.
Understanding Our Response to Change
According to Shankar, our brains naturally seek cognitive closure and certainty, making change particularly challenging. While the discomfort can feel overwhelming, it actually stimulates neuroplasticity—our brain's ability to adapt and grow. Shankar notes that we tend to be poor "affective forecasters," typically overestimating both the duration and intensity of our emotional reactions to future events. Research shows that most people eventually return to their emotional baseline after significant life changes.
Practical Tools for Navigating Change
Shankar introduces several practical strategies for managing change effectively. Through cognitive reappraisal, individuals can reframe challenges as temporary situations, considering how they might feel about current circumstances in five hours, days, or years. She also recommends mental time travel as a tool for building resilience, suggesting that reflecting on past successes can boost confidence in facing current challenges.
Katie Milkman's "temptation bundling" technique offers another approach, combining necessary but challenging tasks with enjoyable activities. Shankar illustrates this by sharing how she only listens to new Taylor Swift albums while working out, making the exercise more appealing.
Reframing Identity During Change
Maya Shankar warns against "identity foreclosure"—limiting oneself to a single role or label. Drawing from her personal experience as a former violinist, she emphasizes the importance of defining oneself by deeper purposes rather than specific roles. She advocates for self-distancing techniques, such as speaking in the third person or viewing challenges from a bird's eye perspective, to gain better emotional perspective.
The discussion culminates with Shankar's insights on embracing reinvention through change. She encourages cultivating self-curiosity and viewing disruptions as opportunities for transformation, noting how major life changes can lead to discovering new capabilities and pathways for personal growth.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While cognitive closure and certainty are comfortable, some individuals thrive in uncertain environments and may find change invigorating rather than challenging.
- Neuroplasticity is a complex process, and not all changes necessarily lead to positive growth; some can result in negative adaptations or stress responses.
- Affective forecasting is indeed often inaccurate, but there are individuals who may have a more accurate understanding of their emotional responses due to higher emotional intelligence or self-awareness.
- The idea that most people return to their emotional baseline might not account for those who experience permanent psychological shifts due to life changes, such as trauma survivors.
- Cognitive reappraisal can be effective, but it may not be suitable for everyone, especially those dealing with deep-seated emotional issues or mental health disorders that require professional intervention.
- Mental time travel and reflecting on past successes can be helpful, but it may also lead to rumination or negative comparisons if past successes are not replicable in the current context.
- Temptation bundling assumes that individuals have the self-regulation to balance enjoyable activities with necessary tasks, which might not be the case for everyone.
- While preventing identity foreclosure is beneficial, some individuals may find a strong sense of identity in specific roles, and this can be a source of comfort and stability for them.
- Self-distancing techniques can provide perspective, but overuse might lead to disconnection from one's emotions or avoidance of addressing underlying issues.
- The concept of embracing reinvention and viewing disruptions as opportunities can be overly optimistic and may not acknowledge the real pain and difficulty some changes can cause.
- The idea that major life changes lead to new capabilities and transformation may not resonate with those who experience changes that result in loss, such as disability or chronic illness, where adaptation might be more about coping than transformation.
Actionables
- You can create a "Change Journal" to document your emotional journey and cognitive reappraisals during periods of change. Start by writing down your initial feelings about an upcoming change, then revisit and update your entries with new perspectives and emotions as you progress. This practice will help you notice patterns in your emotional responses and improve your affective forecasting by comparing your predictions with actual outcomes.
- Develop a "Resilience Playlist" of activities that combine personal development with pleasure. For example, listen to an educational audiobook while taking a long walk, or practice a new language while cooking your favorite meal. This approach to temptation bundling will make the learning process more enjoyable and sustainable.
- Engage in a weekly "Self-Curiosity Session" where you set aside time to explore new interests or skills unrelated to your current roles or identity. This could involve trying out a new hobby, attending a workshop on a topic you know little about, or even volunteering in a different field. These sessions encourage you to embrace reinvention and discover untapped capabilities.
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The Psychology of Change and Disruption
Maya Shankar and Mel Robbins delve into the reasons behind the discomfort we experience during change and remind us that often, we misjudge the long-term emotional impacts of these shifts in our lives.
Change Is Uncomfortable due to Uncertainty
Brains Crave Closure, Dislike Uncertainty, Triggering Negative Thoughts In Change
Maya Shankar points out that change is filled with uncertainty and that our brains do not like uncertainty. Our brains seek cognitive closure—they want definitive answers rather than ambiguity. This natural desire for certainty can lead to heightened negative emotions when change occurs.
Mel Robbins discusses the discomfort that arises when life changes unexpectedly due to events such as a layoff, a breakup, or a diagnosis. The subsequent swirl of thoughts and the need to piece together a new normal can lead to feelings of disorientation and a sense of standing in the wreckage of what once was.
Discomfort, however, can be a catalyst for brain growth, associated with neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to adapt and reorganize itself. Introducing change to our lives presents opportunities where we learn, challenge ourselves, and sometimes fail, which can signal to our brains that adjustments are necessary for future success.
We Overestimate Emotional Impact of Change
Research: We Revert To Baseline Emotions After Major Life Events
According to Shankar, we often misjudge how change will impact us, being "notoriously bad affective forecasters." She explains that we tend to overestimate the duration and intensity of our emotional reactions to f ...
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The Psychology of Change and Disruption
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Clarifications
- Cognitive closure is the brain's desire to find a clear, definite answer to reduce uncertainty. This need helps us make decisions quickly and avoid the stress of ambiguity. When closure is lacking, the brain experiences discomfort and increased anxiety. Seeking closure is an evolutionary trait that aids survival by promoting swift understanding of our environment.
- Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to change its structure and function in response to experiences. It allows neurons to form new connections or strengthen existing ones, enabling learning and adaptation. This process supports recovery from injury and the development of new skills. Neuroplasticity underlies how discomfort from change can lead to personal growth and improved brain function.
- Affective forecasting is the process of predicting how future events will make us feel emotionally. People are bad at it because they often focus too much on the event itself and ignore how they will adapt over time. They also underestimate their psychological resilience and the influence of other future experiences. This leads to overestimating the intensity and duration of their emotional reactions.
- An "emotional baseline" is a person's typical or average level of emotional well-being over time. After a major life event, emotions may spike or dip temporarily but tend to return to this usual state. This return happens because people adapt psychologically, a process called emotional adaptation or hedonic adaptation. It helps maintain emotional stability despite changes in circumstances.
- Current emotions act like a filter, making it hard to imagine feeling differently later. When we are upset or h ...
Counterarguments
- While it's true that brains often seek cognitive closure, some individuals thrive in uncertain environments and may find change stimulating rather than uncomfortable.
- The idea that discomfort is a catalyst for growth may not account for situations where change leads to chronic stress, which can be detrimental to mental and physical health.
- The assertion that people revert to a baseline emotional state after major life events may not consider the lasting impact of trauma or chronic adversity on an individual's emotional well-being.
- The concept of a single emotional baseline may be oversimplified, as emotional responses can be complex and vary widely among individuals.
- The suggestion that we are bad at predicting our future emotional states might not acknowledge the role of individual differences in self-awareness and emotional intelligenc ...
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Practical Tools and Techniques For Navigating Change
A cognitive scientist shares insights on how to navigate major life changes with practical tools and mindset shifts that can transform struggles into opportunities.
Use Cognitive Reappraisal to Interpret Situations Constructively
Maya Shankar asserts that cognitive reappraisal can effectively alter the emotional impact a situation has on us, framing challenges as transient, which helps regulate emotions.
Framing Challenges as Temporary Can Help Regulate Emotions
Shankar and Mel Robbins discuss the power of cognitive reappraisal in reframing situations to see them as temporary. Shankar introduces a mental exercise where one considers how they will feel about a situation in five hours, five days, and five years, reminding us that most struggles will feel less significant over time.
"Consider Future Feelings For Perspective"
Maya Shankar also mentions using cognitive reappraisal to gain perspective on change, such as imagining oneself in the future and seeing that the loss of one opportunity can lead to an exploratory phase without immediate pressure. Remembering past instances where one has shown resilience can further reinforce this perspective.
Leverage Time Travel For Resilience and Future Selves
Shankar sees the brain's ability to mentally time travel as a crucial tool for dealing with frustrating situations and inspiring change.
Reflecting On Overcoming Challenges Boosts Confidence
Reflecting on past moments where resilience was displayed can boost confidence in facing current adversities. Shankar suggests leveraging these past experiences as a testament to overcoming challenges.
Envisioning Future Versions of Yourself Can Inspire Change
Mel Robbins and Maya Shankar discuss the potential of visualizing future selves as inspiration for making changes and believing in the ability to figure things out. Shankar highlights the importance of recognizing the change from past selves, and Robbins emphasizes trusting the future version of oneself.
Use "Temptation Bundling" to M ...
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Practical Tools and Techniques For Navigating Change
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Counterarguments
- Cognitive reappraisal may not always be effective for everyone, as individuals have different coping mechanisms and some situations may be too intense or traumatic to simply reframe.
- The advice to consider future feelings for perspective might not be helpful in situations where the consequences are long-lasting or permanent, and thus the significance of the struggle does not diminish over time.
- Mental time travel and envisioning future selves can sometimes lead to anxiety or fear about the future, particularly for individuals who struggle with uncertainty or who are experiencing mental health issues like depression.
- Reflecting on past resilience might not always boost confidence, especially if a person is currently experiencing a sense of failure or if past experiences are not easily relatable to the current challenge.
- The concept of temptation bundling assumes that individuals have the self-control to balance the enjoyable activity with the challenging task, which might not be the case for everyone, p ...
Actionables
- Create a "5-5-5 Journal" where you jot down your current challenge and then write how you think you'll feel about it in five hours, five days, and five years. This practice encourages you to gain perspective on the significance of your struggles. For example, if you're stressed about a work presentation, write down your immediate feelings, then imagine and note the reduced impact it will have over time.
- Develop a "Resilience Timeline" by drawing a line on a piece of paper and marking significant life challenges you've overcome along with the strengths you gained from each. This visual aid serves as a reminder of your past resilience and can be a confidence booster when you're facing new challenges. When a new obstacle arises, add it to your timeline and reflect on how you've grown from past experiences.
- Pair a weekly chore you dislike with a podcast o ...
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Reframing One's Identity and Relationship to Change
The hosts lead listeners through the complex process of adapting to change, reframing identity, and cultivating growth following significant life events, helping them to see the opportunities that lie ahead.
Prevent "Identity Foreclosure" By Staying Open to Future Selves
Identity foreclosure often restricts our engagement with new ideas and experiences. Maya Shankar speaks on the limitations of foresight due to stereotypes and social norms. She advises defining oneself by the deeper purpose behind passions, which allows a more robust self-identity to emerge—one that’s adaptable to change.
Avoid Anchoring Identity To one Role or Label
People may feel they lose all value when they lose a significant label, like being a star athlete or top student. But Maya Shankar, who once strongly identified with being a violinist, stresses upon the richness in the skills and wisdom accrued that still serve in new roles and asks who else one can be.
Expand Your Potential Through New Ideas and Experiences
Shankar also emphasizes the importance of exposing oneself to a variety of ideas and worldviews without an end goal, as it keeps one open to all possibilities. She herself faced identity foreclosure as a young violinist, which prevented her from exploring a multifaceted identity.
Gain Perspective on Challenges Using Self-Distancing
Using techniques like speaking in the third person creates perspective and coaching, enabling a shift from personal failings to universal challenges.
Be as Compassionate to Yourself As to a Friend
Visual self-distancing, such as taking a bird's eye view of one's problems and talking to oneself as to a friend, offers a productive reframing. This method dispenses with negative self-talk by bringing self-compassion and misunderstandings into correction.
Reframe Problems As Universal Rather Than Personal Failings
Shankar advocates for reframing problems as challenges that are universally experienced rather than personal shortcomings. This shift in perspective helps to ease the burden by normalizing these experiences.
Embrace Reinvention - Transform Through Change
Adversity and change are portrayed as catalysts for personal enhancement, leading to the realization ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Reframing One's Identity and Relationship to Change
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Counterarguments
- Identity foreclosure can sometimes provide a sense of stability and direction, which can be beneficial for some individuals who thrive with a clear sense of self.
- Defining oneself by deeper purposes can be abstract and challenging for individuals who prefer concrete and tangible self-definitions.
- Anchoring identity to a single role or label can also provide a sense of expertise and mastery, which can be fulfilling and lead to high levels of achievement in that area.
- While past skills and wisdom are valuable, they may not always be transferable to new roles, and the process of adaptation can be difficult and not always successful.
- Being open to all possibilities without an end goal can lead to a lack of focus and direction, making it hard to achieve specific aspirations or career objectives.
- Self-distancing techniques might not be effective for everyone, as some individuals may find them unnatural or may not benefit from the detachment they provide.
- Treating oneself with compassion is important, but it can also be misinterpreted as self-indulgence or avoidance of accountability for one's actions.
- While reframing problems as universal challenges can be comforting, it may also lead to a dismissal of the unique personal context that affects how an individual experiences and responds to those challenges.
- Viewing adversity and change as catalysts for growth can o ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Role Resume" to visually map out the skills and wisdom you've gained from past roles. Start by listing all the roles you've had, including non-professional ones like 'volunteer' or 'parent'. Next to each, write down the skills you developed and the wisdom you gained. This exercise helps you see the transferable value you carry, regardless of the roles you may lose or gain in the future.
- Develop a habit of "Curiosity Conversations" by setting up monthly meetings with people from different backgrounds. Reach out to individuals in various professions, cultures, or communities, and ask them about their experiences and perspectives. This practice encourages you to engage with a wide array of ideas and maintains your openness to new possibilities.
- Start a " ...
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