How to Have Better Sex: Your Guide to Romance, Intimacy, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, sex educator Nicole McNichols shares evidence-based information about sexual health and pleasure. The discussion covers how satisfying intimate relationships can improve physical health and overall well-being, while addressing common misconceptions about anatomy, orgasms, and sexual response.
McNichols explains the science behind sexual pleasure and provides practical strategies for enhancing intimate connections, including the benefits of non-sexual touch and mindfulness. The conversation also explores the nature of sexual identity, discussing how orientation can evolve over time, and examines various forms of sexual expression through the lens of consent and communication.
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1-Page Summary
The Importance of Pleasure and Its Benefits
Mel Robbins and Nicole McNichols discuss how prioritizing pleasure can significantly improve overall life quality. McNichols explains that satisfying, consensual sex can enhance physical health, potentially protecting against cardiovascular and degenerative brain diseases. She introduces the concept of an "upward cycle," where cultivating pleasure broadens perspective and enhances social support, leading to more creative thinking and better resilience in facing life's challenges.
Debunking Myths and Misconceptions About Sex and Sexuality
McNichols addresses common sexual insecurities by providing evidence-based information. She explains that genital appearance varies widely and doesn't affect pleasure, noting that only about 18% of women achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone. Using a model, she demonstrates that the clitoris extends beyond its visible part, with internal structures that contribute significantly to pleasure. McNichols clarifies that the G-spot is actually part of this larger clitoral network, and all orgasms involve the same muscle contractions regardless of stimulation type.
Practical Strategies For Improving One's Sex Life
The experts emphasize developing a "sexual growth mindset" through open communication and experimentation. McNichols suggests that non-sexual physical touch, like daily hugging, can naturally increase desire. She recommends practicing mindfulness during intimate moments and discusses practical solutions for physiological changes, such as using hormone therapy and lubricants during menopause.
The Fluidity and Diversity of Human Sexuality
McNichols challenges the notion that sexual identity must remain fixed, explaining that it's natural for sexuality to evolve over time. She addresses misconceptions about bisexuality, noting that for many, it represents a stable identity rather than a transitional phase. McNichols also normalizes unconventional sexual interests, explaining that kink exploration isn't inherently problematic and can be a healthy form of sexual expression when based on consent and open communication.
1-Page Summary
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Actionables
- You can integrate pleasure into your daily routine by creating a "joy journal" where you note down activities that bring you happiness and schedule them into your week. This could include anything from a short walk, listening to your favorite music, or trying out a new recipe, ensuring that you're actively making time for pleasure in your life.
- Start a "touch diary" with your partner to record instances of non-sexual touch that occur throughout the day, like holding hands or a spontaneous hug. This practice can help you both become more aware of the importance of touch and its frequency, encouraging a natural increase in physical intimacy and connection.
- Engage in a monthly "exploration night" with your partner where you both research and share information about different aspects of sexual health and pleasure, such as the role of the clitoris or the benefits of mindfulness during intimacy. This could involve reading articles, watching educational videos, or even attending a workshop together, fostering a sexual growth mindset through shared learning and communication.
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The Importance of Pleasure and Its Benefits
Mel Robbins and Nicole McNichols discuss the integral role of pleasure in improving health, wellbeing, relationships, and overall life satisfaction.
Prioritizing Pleasure Improves Health, Wellbeing, and Relationships
Pleasure Boosts Body, Mind, and Social Connections for a Better Quality of Life
Mel Robbins introduces the topic of pleasure by suggesting that focusing on one's own pleasure, including better sex, can lead to improved overall health, wellbeing, and enhanced relationships. Nicole McNichols asserts that prioritizing sex, when it is satisfying, consensual, and connected, can benefit physical health, including cardiovascular health, and may even protect against degenerative brain diseases, with studies suggesting it could predict longevity.
Mel Robbins underscores the significance of intentionally creating space for pleasure, maintaining that it makes you feel whole and offers relief from life's demands. Nicole McNichols echoes this sentiment, highlighting how pleasure plays a role in self-worth enhancement and wellbeing.
Experiencing Pleasure Is Essential for Resilience and Fulfillment
Prioritizing Pleasure Creates a Beneficial "Upward Cycle" for Life's Challenges
Nicole McNichols elaborates on the concept of an "upward cycle," explaining that cultivating pleasure broadens an individual's perspective, encourages outward engagement, and enhances social support. This leads to more creative and abstract thinking on a cognitive level. Mel Robbins emphasizes that access to pleasure is critical for resilience and the fulfillment of life demands.
McNichols also stresses the importance of knowing what brings sexual pleasure and owning one's pleasure as a fundamental human right. She reveals that parents who prioritiz ...
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The Importance of Pleasure and Its Benefits
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Clarifications
- Ego resilience is the ability to adapt flexibly and recover quickly from stress or adversity. Pleasure enhances this by boosting positive emotions, which strengthen coping skills and mental flexibility. Experiencing pleasure supports emotional regulation, helping individuals respond to challenges more creatively. This resilience improves overall psychological health and problem-solving capacity.
- An "upward cycle" refers to a positive feedback loop where experiencing pleasure enhances mental and emotional states, which in turn makes it easier to seek and enjoy more pleasure. This cycle improves cognitive flexibility, creativity, and social interactions, reinforcing wellbeing. It helps build resilience by expanding one’s ability to cope with stress and challenges. Over time, this creates sustained improvements in overall life satisfaction and health.
- Studies suggest that sexual pleasure is linked to longevity because it often reflects overall physical and mental health. Regular sexual activity can improve cardiovascular function, reduce stress, and boost immune response. Positive sexual experiences also release hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which promote emotional wellbeing. These combined effects contribute to a longer, healthier life.
- Sexual activity is a form of physical exercise that can improve heart rate and circulation, benefiting cardiovascular health. It also helps reduce stress and lower blood pressure, which are key factors in heart disease prevention. Additionally, sexual satisfaction can promote the release of hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which support heart health. Regular, satisfying sexual experiences are linked to a lower risk of cardiovascular problems in some studies.
- Engaging in pleasurable activities, including satisfying sex, can stimulate the release of neurochemicals like dopamine and oxytocin, which support brain health. These chemicals promote neural plasticity, helping the brain adapt and repair itself. Regular positive social and physical interactions may reduce inflammation and oxidative stress, factors linked to degenerative brain diseases. Some studies suggest that such stimulation can slow cognitive decline and improve memory function over time.
- "Owning one's pleasure" means recognizing and accepting that experiencing pleasure is a natural and valid part of being human. It involves feeling empowered to seek and enjoy pleasure without shame or guilt. This concept is tied to bodily autonomy and personal agency, affirming that everyone has the right to their own sexual and emotional satisfaction. It challenges societal taboos that often suppress open discussions and acceptance of individual pleasure.
- Pleasure triggers the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine and endorphins, which enhance mood and reduce stress. Experiencing pleasure reinforces a positive self-image by affirming personal desires and boundaries. It fosters emotional resilience by providing moments of joy that counterbalance life's difficulties. This positive feedback loop str ...
Counterarguments
- While prioritizing pleasure can have positive effects, it is important to balance pleasure-seeking behaviors with responsibilities and other aspects of life to avoid hedonism or escapism.
- The link between sexual pleasure and health benefits, such as protection against degenerative brain diseases, may not be causal and could be influenced by other factors like overall lifestyle, genetics, and social determinants of health.
- Not everyone may experience the same benefits from sexual pleasure due to individual differences, psychological conditions, or past traumas, and for some, focusing on sexual pleasure might not be appropriate or beneficial.
- The idea that parents who prioritize pleasure become better parents could be challenged by the notion that parenting also requires setting boundaries and sometimes prioritizing children's needs over personal pleasure.
- The concept of sexual pleasure as a fundamental human right might be contested on cultural, religious, or philosophical grounds, where some believe that rights should be centered around more basic human needs or freedoms.
- The assertion that improvements in sexual satisfaction lead to increases in relationship satisfaction over time might not hold true for all relationsh ...
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Debunking Myths and Misconceptions About Sex and Sexuality
Nicole McNichols addresses common misconceptions and insecurities about sex and sexuality, aiming to alleviate unnecessary shame and promote a healthier understanding of sexual response.
Sexual Performance and Experiences Need Not Meet Standards
McNichols urges people to dismiss unrealistic standards often portrayed in media that generate insecurities and hinder sexual enjoyment.
Wide Range of Normal in Genital Appearance, Penis Size, Time to Orgasm
She reassures audiences that all vulvas and penises come in diverse shapes and sizes, and insists that genital appearance does not affect the ability to provide or experience pleasure, nor does it measure one's manhood. McNichols reports that the average erect penis size is about five and a half inches and having a large penis is not necessary for a fulfilling sexual experience.
She also explains that the normal time for a woman to orgasm from penetrative sex is about 10 to 15 minutes, and while it may take a man about five minutes, both experiences are normal and equally pleasurable.
Penetration-Only Orgasms Are Uncommon but Normal
Only about 18% of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone, indicating that penetration-only orgasms are not as common as popularly thought but are still normal. McNichols stresses that orgasm from penetrative sex is not a "holy grail," the orgasm mechanism is the same despite the type of stimulation that produced it.
Understanding Female Sexual Response Is Key
Clitoris: More Than Nub, Includes Internal Structures For Orgasm
McNichols emphasizes the clitoris's role in sexual pleasure, illustrating with a model that the clitoris includes both external and internal structures significantly contributing to orgasms. The stuffed plushy model she introduces demonstrates that the clitoris extends beyond the visible nub, with wishbone structures that swell and become erect during arousal.
G-Spot Is Part of Clitoral Network
Further dispelling myths ...
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Debunking Myths and Misconceptions About Sex and Sexuality
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can create a personal journal to document and reflect on your sexual experiences and feelings, focusing on the variety of pleasures beyond societal standards. By writing down your thoughts and experiences, you can identify patterns, preferences, and areas for exploration that align with your body's unique responses rather than external expectations.
- Engage in open and honest communication with your partner about sexual pleasure, emphasizing the importance of clitoral stimulation and exploring various types of touch and pressure. This can lead to a more fulfilling sexual experience for both partners by fostering a deeper understanding of each other's bodies and pleasure points.
- Practice mindful masturbation to explore the different sens ...
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Practical Strategies For Improving One's Sex Life
Guest experts offer practical strategies and guidance for better sex, intimacy, and love, focusing on the importance of building habits and mindsets conducive to a satisfying sex life.
Cultivating a "Sexual Growth Mindset" Enables Continuous Improvement
Experts emphasize that adopting a "sexual growth mindset" can lead to immense improvement in sexual happiness. This involves open communication, experimentation, and learning from mistakes.
Key Aspects: Open Communication, Experimentation, Learning From Mistakes
Nicole McNichols highlights the importance of understanding and communicating what turns one on. By maintaining novelty, encouraging experimentation, and using humor to handle failures, these skills can translate into other areas of life. She contrasts this mindset with a "destiny mindset," in which people believe sexual capabilities are fixed and unreceptive to change.
Non-sexual Physical Intimacy Increases Desire and Arousal
McNichols explains that non-sexual physical touch, like cuddling and hugging, should not always lead to an expectation of sex. By engaging in regular non-sexual touch, partners can build relationship satisfaction. Hugging for 90 seconds a day, for example, can naturally increase desire.
Overcoming Barriers to Sexual Fulfillment
Mel Robbins and Nicole McNichols discuss the mental aspects of sexual fulfillment, like staying present during sex and the physiological aids that can assist when changes like menopause affect sex drive and comfort.
Mindfulness Keeps You Present During Sex
Developing ...
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Practical Strategies For Improving One's Sex Life
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Counterarguments
- While a "sexual growth mindset" is beneficial, it may not be suitable for everyone, as some individuals may have deep-seated psychological issues or traumas that require professional therapy rather than just a mindset shift.
- Open communication about sexual preferences is important, but it can also be challenging for individuals with past trauma or communication barriers, and may require professional guidance.
- Experimentation in sexual activities can be positive, but it must be consensual and respectful of both partners' boundaries and comfort levels.
- Using humor to handle sexual failures can be helpful, but it's important to ensure that it's not used to dismiss a partner's feelings or avoid addressing underlying issues.
- The concept of a "destiny mindset" may oversimplify complex sexual issues that could be influenced by biological or psychological factors beyond one's control.
- Non-sexual physical touch can increase intimacy, but it's not a universal solution and may not address deeper relationship issues that could be affecting sexual desire.
- The recommendation of hugging for 90 seconds to boost desire may not be effective for everyone and could be influenced by individual differences in personal space and touch preferences.
- Mindfulness during sex can be beneficial, but it may not be a viable solution for everyone, esp ...
Actionables
- Create a "desire diary" to track and reflect on your sexual experiences and feelings, noting what worked well and what didn't, to foster a sexual growth mindset. By regularly writing down your sexual activities, emotional responses, and any new things you tried, you can identify patterns and areas for improvement, which can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences.
- Start a "touch ritual" with your partner where you engage in non-sexual physical touch, like massages or foot rubs, on a daily basis. This practice can strengthen your emotional connection and may lead to increased sexual desire without the pressure of sexual performance, as it builds intimacy in a relaxed setting.
- Introduce a "mindfulness bell" into your d ...
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The Fluidity and Diversity of Human Sexuality
Nicole McNichols sheds light on the dynamic nature of human sexuality, including our understanding of sexual preferences, orientations, and identities, as well as the healthy exploration of unconventional sexual interests.
Sexual Orientation, Identity, and Preferences Can Evolve
Dr. McNichols confronts the myth that sexual identity should be fixed and stresses that it is natural for it to evolve over time. She elaborates that sexuality is fluid and multidimensional and that for many people, sexual orientation can change. While some find their attractions consistent, others notice changes in adulthood or through their college years.
She also addresses the challenges faced by the bisexual community, such as facing stigma and misconceptions about being in a transitional phase or heading towards homosexuality. Contrary to this, research suggests that for many women who identify as bisexual, it is a transition to a stable identity, not just a temporary phase. Furthermore, a significant portion of Generation Z identifies under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, with many within this group identifying as bisexual.
Dr. McNichols points out that individuals have diverse sexual experiences and needs—some may enjoy casual sex, while others may not, and both preferences are perfectly legitimate. This perspective acknowledges the diversity in how people live out their sexuality and dispels the notion of a single normal sexual experience.
Unconventional Sexual Interests or Practices Are Not Problematic
Contrary to common myths, Dr. McNichols explains that non-traditional sexual activities—often labeled as kinks—are not indicators of an unhealthy or problematic sex life. The normalizing of kink exploration is essential, and McNichols has devoted a chapter in her book to those interested in this aspect of sexuality.
She encourages people to accept whatever sexual fantasies they have, such as threesomes or public sex, while acknowledging that fantasies do not always translate into real-life ...
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The Fluidity and Diversity of Human Sexuality
Additional Materials
Actionables
- You can start a personal journal to explore and reflect on your evolving sexual identity and preferences, noting any changes or new realizations over time. This practice can help you understand your own journey and embrace fluidity in your sexual orientation. For example, you might write about your feelings towards different genders or attractions and how they've shifted over the months or years.
- Create a private or anonymous online community where individuals can share experiences and support each other around unconventional sexual interests. This could be a forum or a chat group where people discuss their kinks, fantasies, and the therapeutic aspects of their sexual experiences without judgment. By sharing and listening, you contribute to normalizing diverse sexual expressions and learn from others' consensual practices.
- Develop a personal 'consent and communication' checklist for use in your intimate ...
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