The Best Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, therapist Terry Real shares insights about maintaining healthy long-term relationships. He explains that successful relationships require active participation from both partners and describes relationships as a continuous cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair. Real explores how childhood experiences influence partner selection and relationship behaviors, introducing the concept of the "adaptive child" and its impact on adult relationships.
The discussion covers practical strategies for improving relationships, including effective communication techniques and the importance of expressing concerns without blame. Real provides guidance on evaluating relationship challenges through what he calls a "relational reckoning," and discusses when to seek professional help versus when to end a relationship. The conversation includes examples of how partners can teach each other what they need while maintaining constructive dialogue.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Jan 12, 2026 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Navigating the Challenges of Long-Term Relationships
Mel Robbins and Terry Real explore how successful long-term relationships require intentional effort and skills. Real describes relationships as a continuous cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair, emphasizing that both partners must actively participate in maintaining their relationship's health. He suggests that being truthful with love is essential for a healthy connection.
Understanding Relationship Dynamics and Personal Growth
Real explains that people often choose partners who mirror their unresolved childhood issues, providing opportunities for healing within the relationship. He advises expressing concerns without blame and using "I" statements instead of criticism. Robbins notes the positive changes in her own relationship through increased emotional openness.
Managing the "Adaptive Child" in Relationships
The discussion turns to the concept of the "adaptive child" - patterns of reactive behavior developed in childhood that can harm adult relationships. Real emphasizes the importance of recognizing these patterns and choosing more mature responses. He recommends practicing "relational mindfulness" by taking breaks when emotionally overwhelmed and remembering the love within the relationship to avoid destructive reactive behaviors.
Developing Effective Communication Skills
Real advocates for truthful communication paired with positive reinforcement, suggesting that partners should teach each other what they want and reward attempts to meet those needs. He emphasizes avoiding criticism and blame, which can shut down dialogue. Instead, he recommends maintaining personal, humble conversations that prioritize the relationship's health over individual needs.
Deciding to Stay or Leave
Real introduces the concept of a "relational reckoning" - evaluating whether a relationship's benefits outweigh its challenges. He advises seeking professional help before ending a relationship, except in cases of physical danger or untreated addiction. Real emphasizes that improving communication and addressing difficult topics should be attempted before deciding to end a relationship, suggesting that transforming one's own behavior might inspire positive change in a partner.
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Counterarguments
- While intentional effort is important, some argue that relationships should also have a degree of natural compatibility and ease, and not all challenges can be overcome by effort alone.
- The cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair may oversimplify the complexity of relationship dynamics, and some relationships may not fit this pattern.
- Truthfulness is important, but there is also a need for tact and timing when sharing truths to avoid unnecessary hurt.
- The idea that people choose partners based on unresolved childhood issues may not account for the diverse reasons individuals are attracted to each other.
- Using "I" statements is helpful, but it's also important to recognize that sometimes the issue may involve both partners' behaviors, not just the perspective of one.
- Emotional openness is beneficial, but there should also be boundaries to protect individual privacy and autonomy.
- The concept of the "adaptive child" may not resonate with everyone, and some may find other psychological frameworks more applicable to their experiences.
- Relational mindfulness is useful, but it's also important to address the root causes of emotional overwhelm rather than just taking breaks.
- Positive reinforcement is effective, but it should not lead to a transactional view of relationships where actions are only performed for rewards.
- Avoiding criticism and blame is ideal, but constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for growth when delivered respectfully.
- Prioritizing the relationship's health over individual needs can be beneficial, but individual needs should not be consistently neglected as this can lead to resentment.
- The concept of a "relational reckoning" may be too analytical for some, and the decision to stay or leave can also be based on intuition or emotional fulfillment.
- Seeking professional help is generally good advice, but not all relationships may benefit from it, and some individuals may find other forms of support more effective.
- The suggestion that one partner's behavior change can inspire the other to change may not always hold true, as each person is responsible for their own growth and change.
Actionables
- Create a "relationship roadmap" with your partner to intentionally navigate through phases of harmony, disharmony, and repair. Sit down together and draw a simple flowchart that outlines your typical relationship cycle, identifying signs of each phase and agreeing on specific actions to take when you enter disharmony or need repair. For example, if you notice you're entering a phase of disharmony because you're arguing more frequently, your agreed action might be to initiate a calm discussion within 24 hours to address the issues before they escalate.
- Develop a "truthful love journal" where you record instances where honesty strengthened your connection. Each day, jot down moments when being truthful (with kindness) played a role in deepening your bond. This could be as simple as admitting you forgot to do something you promised, but addressing it with an apology and a plan to make it right. Over time, this journal can serve as a reminder of the value of honesty in your relationship and encourage its continued practice.
- Organize a monthly "emotional openness night" where you and your partner dedicate an evening to sharing feelings and vulnerabilities. Set a cozy atmosphere, perhaps with some light music and comfortable seating, and take turns expressing one thing you've felt but haven't shared recently. Use "I" statements to communicate your emotions without placing blame, like "I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage all the household chores on my own." This practice can help increase emotional intimacy and understanding between you both.
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Navigating the Challenges of Long-Term Relationships
Mel Robbins and Terry Real discuss the complexities of maintaining long-term relationships, emphasizing that intentional effort and skills are needed, rather than just spontaneity.
Long-Term Relationships Need Effort and Skills, Not Just Spontaneity
Healthy Relationships Involve a Dance of Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair, Requiring Effort and Skills
Robbins and Real examine the cyclical nature of relationships, which involves phases of harmony, disharmony, and repair, likening it to a dance that requires active participation from both partners. Robbins refers to relationships as an "endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair," and Real adds that repair often doesn't happen due to a lack of necessary skills and societal acknowledgment of disharmony.
Real points out that a relationship's health depends on both partners sharing the responsibility of maintaining the "biosphere" of the relationship, and he believes that being truthful to each other with love is key to a healthy connection. He also acknowledges that conflicts and loss of control are inevitable, underlining the importance of employing effort and skills to manage such situations, make amends, and apologize as part of the repair process.
Unfinished Childhood Business Often Manifests In Adult Relationships
Partners Heal Childhood Wounds and Traumas
Terry Real suggests that individuals are drawn to partners who resonate with their unresolved childhood issues, calling it marrying one's unfinished business. The chosen partner has the unique ability to trigger those childhood wounds, which provides an impromptu chance to heal within the context of the relationship. Robbins supports this idea by stating that a current relationship may offer the opportunity to deal with such unfinished business.
Addressing Core Issues Matures Relationships
When partners address triggering events in mature ways, it can lead to healing. Real advises expressing concerns without blame, sharing feelings, and focusing on the positive to engage in constructive communication. He encourages appreciation and positive reinforcement as opposed to focusing on the negative.
Cultivating Intimacy a ...
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Navigating the Challenges of Long-Term Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While addressing childhood wounds in a relationship can be healing, it's important to recognize that not all individuals have the capacity or the desire to act as a therapist for their partner, and professional help may be necessary.
- The idea that partners are responsible for triggering and healing each other's childhood wounds can be problematic if it leads to codependency or an imbalance in the relationship dynamic.
- The emphasis on non-blaming communication and expressing sadness over criticism might not always be practical or sufficient in addressing serious issues or behaviors that require direct confrontation and accountability.
- The notion that both partners share equal responsibility for maintaining the relationship's "biosphere" may not account for power imbalances or situations where one partner's actions disproportionately affect the relationship's health.
- The concept of an "endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair" might be overly romanticized and not reflective of the experiences of those in relationships that are consistently harmonious or consistently troubled.
- The idea that intentional effort and specific skills are required for long-term relationships could be seen as undermining the role of natural compatibili ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship maintenance calendar" to schedule regular check-ins with your partner. Just like you maintain your car or visit the dentist for regular check-ups, set aside time each month to discuss the state of your relationship, celebrate what's working, and address any issues. For example, you might choose the first Sunday of every month to have a "relationship review" over breakfast.
- Develop a "healing toolkit" with your partner that includes activities or practices to engage in when one of you triggers the other's emotional wounds. This could be a physical box or a digital document where you both contribute ideas such as a specific song that calms you down, a breathing exercise, a comforting ritual, or a list of affirmations that remind you of your partner's love and support.
- Start a "positivity jour ...
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Understanding and Managing the "Adaptive Child" In Relationships
Kaya Henderson and Myles E. Johnson delve into how recognizing and managing the state of the "adaptive child" can impact communication and growth within relationships.
"The Adaptive Child" Reacts Using Past Coping Mechanisms
The "adaptive child" refers to how one might react to situations based on past coping mechanisms which were necessary during childhood but can be destructive in adult relationships.
Adaptive Child Responses Sabotage Communication
Mel Robbins illustrates the concept of the adaptive child by describing her reaction upon coming home to dead flowers in dirty water. Her frustrated expression by dumping the flowers and throwing the vase into the sink loudly is an example of an adaptive child response sabotaging communication.
Recognizing the Triggered Adaptive Child: A Step to Maturity
Real and Robbins discuss the shift from feeling hurt to expressing anger, which Robbins describes as moving from "one down" to "one up." Real notes that acknowledging this defensive move—from feeling abandoned to feeling anger and indignation—is a part of recognizing one's adaptive child. Real emphasizes the importance of retiring immature adaptive child responses, like rage and shutting down, in favor of mature communication.
Cultivating "Relational Mindfulness" to Access Our Wise Self
Relational mindfulness is a practice that involves being present, thoughtful, and conscious in communication rather than reacting from an old pattern.
Breaks Prevent Adaptive Child Takeover
Terry Real advises taking a break when one is floode ...
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Understanding and Managing the "Adaptive Child" In Relationships
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Counterarguments
- The concept of the "adaptive child" may oversimplify complex adult reactions, which can be influenced by a multitude of factors beyond childhood coping mechanisms.
- Some individuals may find that expressing emotions, even if they are intense like rage, can be a valid and necessary part of communication rather than something that should always be retired.
- The idea of taking breaks during emotional flooding might not be feasible in all situations, and some individuals may find that immediate resolution is more effective for them.
- The recommendation to remember love in the heat of the moment assumes that all relationships have a foundation of love, which may not be the case in all scenarios.
- The concept of relational mindfulness, while beneficial, may not account for the complexity of mental health issues that can affect communication and may require professional intervention beyond mindfulness pra ...
Actionables
- You can create a "relationship journal" to track moments when you feel the adaptive child emerging, noting the triggers and your emotional responses. By keeping a daily log, you'll start to see patterns in your behavior that signal when you're about to react from an old pattern. For example, if you notice you often feel like the adaptive child when you're tired or hungry, you can plan to address your physical needs before engaging in important conversations.
- Develop a personal timeout signal with your partner that either of you can use when feeling overwhelmed, which serves as a non-verbal cue to take a break. This could be a simple hand gesture or an object you place on the table. The key is to respect this signal without question, allowing both partners the space they need. For instance, if a discussion is getting heated, one partner can make the agreed-upon signal, and both will know it's time to pause the conversation.
- Practice a daily min ...
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Developing Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills For Relationships
Experts Terry Real and Mel Robbins discuss the importance of effective communication strategies and skillful navigation of conflict to foster healthy relationships.
Effective Communication Requires Truthfulness, Teaching, and Reinforcement
Sharing Feelings, Teaching Needs, Rewarding Responses
Terry Real advocates for sharing the truth skillfully with one's partner, teaching them what you want, and rewarding them when they attempt it, even if it's not perfect. He emphasizes that rewarding efforts is more motivating than criticizing for doing something wrong and that kindness should be at the core of communication. To avoid reaching a breaking point, Real suggests communicating feelings as they happen and daring to rock the boat. This process involves telling the truth, listening, teaching your partner what you desire, and rewarding them kindly when they respond appropriately.
A Chicago listener seeking to rekindle the spark in their relationship receives advice from Real to start by being truthful and expressing their feelings to their partner. Real further elaborates that truthful communication, which prioritizes vulnerable truths over criticism, can prevent feelings of loneliness and disconnection in relationships.
Avoid Criticism and Blame, Which Shut Down Partners
Real underscores the importance of communicating in a way that shows you're on your own or your partner's side, which means criticism and blame should be avoided as they can shut down dialogue. Instead, conversations should be kept personal, humble, and real to maintain open lines of communication. In challenging moments, it's better to adopt the perspective of the "wise adult" rather than the reactive "adaptive child" within oneself. Robbins reflects on her efforts to communicate from a wise adult part of her brain when not stressed or angry, as opposed to the childlike reaction during conflict.
Navigating Disharmony and Conflict With Care and Patience
Adaptive Child's Role and Wise Adult Response
Real explains the concept of "transmission reception," where one partner must learn to be open and accepting when the other tries to give what is desired, indicating the importance of responding maturely to conflict. It’s advised to resist the adaptive child's urge to resort to old patterns and to respond from the wise adult perspective. Real also describes an anecdote illustrating the preference for honesty over the comfort of the adaptive child's habitual lying, showcasing the significance of prioritizing relationship health over ego-driven impulses.
Prioritizing the Relationship Over Individual Needs or Power Dynamics
When anger and indignation arise, it can feel temporarily better to prioritize one's individual needs, yet Robbins suggests that focusing on the health of the relationship is more successful. Real also encourages couples to treat the relationship as a shared environment, working together to solve problems. Moreover, Real implores individuals to learn to communicate effectively and kindly t ...
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Counterarguments
- Rewarding attempts at desired behavior can be beneficial, but it may not always address the root cause of recurring issues if not accompanied by deeper understanding and change.
- While kindness is important, there may be situations where more assertive communication is necessary to address serious issues effectively.
- Communicating feelings as they happen is generally good advice, but there may be times when it's more appropriate to wait for a calm moment to discuss sensitive topics to avoid reactive responses.
- The concept of avoiding criticism and blame is sound, but constructive criticism can be a valuable tool for growth when delivered respectfully and appropriately.
- The "wise adult" perspective is ideal, but it's important to acknowledge that everyone has moments of weakness, and expecting constant maturity can be unrealistic.
- Openness to a partner's attempts to meet needs is crucial, but there should also be space for expressing when those attempts are not meeting the core needs, leading to a constructive dialogue about how to improve.
- Prioritizing the relationship over individual needs is a noble idea, but individual needs should not be consistently neglected as this can lead to resentment and loss of self.
- The idea of treati ...
Actionables
- Create a "communication jar" where you and your partner write down moments when you felt heard or appreciated by the other. Whenever you encounter a conflict, pull out a note to remind each other of the positive communication efforts you've both made. This reinforces the habit of recognizing and rewarding efforts, which can motivate kinder interactions.
- Develop a "relationship roadmap" with your partner, outlining common triggers for conflicts and proactive strategies for addressing them from the "wise adult" perspective. This can include phrases to use, body language to adopt, and timeouts when needed. Regularly review and update this roadmap to ensure it evolves with your relationship.
- Start a "support ci ...
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Deciding to Stay or Leave a Relationship
Terry Real outlines strategies to consider when determining the future of a relationship, emphasizing a "relational reckoning" and the importance of making efforts to improve before choosing to end things.
Evaluating if the Positives Outweigh the Negatives in a Relationship
Weighing the Good and Bad In Imperfect Relationships
Terry Real introduces the concept of a "relational reckoning" to assess whether there's enough benefit in a relationship to justify tolerating the unsatisfying aspects. This assessment considers both the good and the bad in an imperfect partnership.
Seek Help or End Relationship if Irreconcilable
Real advises against enduring poor relationships where deal-breakers exist, such as untreated addiction or mental health issues, or a significant maturity imbalance that causes pain to the more mature partner. In cases of physical danger, Real emphasizes seeking safety immediately. However, Real advises attempting to change the relationship dynamics from your own side before ending things completely.
Leaving a Relationship Requires Careful Thought, Not Prolonged Endurance
Improve the Relationship Before Walking Away
Real implies that improving communication and addressing difficult topics in a relationship is crucial before deciding to leave. He suggests that working on betterment is essential, even if one believes the problem lies with their partner. Terry Real encourages attending couples therapy to work through issues professionally.
Prioritizing Relationship Health Over Individual Needs or Power Dynamics
Real emphas ...
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Deciding to Stay or Leave a Relationship
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Counterarguments
- While a "relational reckoning" can be beneficial, it may not always be possible to objectively weigh the good against the bad, as emotions and personal biases can cloud judgment.
- In some cases, individuals may not have the resources or support to leave a relationship, even when deal-breakers are present, which can complicate the decision-making process.
- The recommendation to change relationship dynamics from one's own side might not be effective if both partners are not equally committed to making changes.
- Improving communication is important, but it may not resolve deep-seated issues or incompatibilities that could be fundamental to the relationship's problems.
- Couples therapy can be helpful, but it is not a guaranteed solution and may not work for all couples, especially if one partner is unwilling to participate or change.
- Prioritizing the relationship's health over individual needs can sometimes lead to self-neglect or staying in a relationship that is ultimately detrimental to one's well-being.
- The idea that transforming one's behavior can incentivize a partner's change might not always hold true, as people cannot control or predict their partner's reactions or willingness to change.
- The example of a couple overcoming a decades-long sexual issue may not be represe ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship inventory" journal where you regularly document the pros and cons of your relationship, noting any recurring issues or deal-breakers. This can help you visualize patterns and decide if the relationship is beneficial for you. For example, you might write down instances of positive support versus times you felt your boundaries were not respected, giving you a clearer picture over time.
- Develop a personal growth plan that includes learning new communication skills, such as active listening or nonviolent communication, which you can practice in everyday conversations, not just with your partner. By doing so, you can improve your ability to express your needs and understand your partner's perspective, which can transform the dynamics of your relationship.
- Volu ...
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