Change Your Life This Year: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, behavioral scientist Katy Milkman and Mel Robbins explore why willpower alone often fails to create lasting behavior change. Milkman explains that unsuccessful attempts at change typically stem from a lack of structured strategies rather than personal shortcomings, and she identifies common barriers that affect everyone's ability to change, including impulsivity, procrastination, and forgetfulness.
Milkman introduces evidence-based strategies for overcoming these barriers, such as "temptation bundling" and using commitment devices like monetary bets on goals. She discusses the importance of concrete action plans, confidence building, and social support systems in achieving sustainable change. The conversation also covers the "fresh start effect" and why allowing flexibility in goal pursuit can lead to better outcomes than rigid approaches.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 29, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
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1-Page Summary
Challenges of Changing Behavior and Limitations of Willpower
Katy Milkman and Mel Robbins explore why relying solely on willpower for behavior change is ineffective. Milkman suggests that failed attempts at change often stem not from personal shortcomings but from a lack of structured strategies and support systems. She emphasizes that making the process enjoyable is crucial for sustainable change.
Key Barriers to Change
Milkman explains that certain universal barriers affect everyone's ability to change. She introduces the "fresh start effect," where people are more motivated to change during new beginnings like New Year's or life transitions. However, she cautions that these moments of motivation aren't enough without proper planning.
To combat impulsivity and procrastination, Milkman recommends "temptation bundling" and commitment devices, such as betting money on achieving goals. She also emphasizes the importance of addressing forgetfulness through cues and reminders, while suggesting that laziness can be overcome by making desired behaviors the default option.
Confidence plays a crucial role in change, and Milkman notes that adopting a growth mindset and advising others can boost self-belief. She also highlights how surrounding yourself with successful role models can help overcome the tendency to conform to limiting norms.
Specific Evidence-Based Strategies to Overcome Each Barrier
Milkman outlines practical approaches to successful behavior change, emphasizing the importance of concrete goals paired with detailed action plans. She recommends specifying exactly when, where, and how actions will be taken, while making the process enjoyable through social engagement or more appealing activities.
The discussion highlights the value of tools like reminders, accountability partners, and confidence-building exercises. Milkman advocates for flexibility in goal pursuit, suggesting that allowing occasional "emergency reserves" or cheat days can actually double success rates compared to rigid approaches. She emphasizes the importance of patience and self-compassion, acknowledging that meaningful change takes time and setbacks are normal parts of the process.
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Counterarguments
- While "temptation bundling" and commitment devices can be effective, they may not address the underlying issues that lead to procrastination or impulsivity and could potentially lead to a reliance on external rather than internal motivation.
- The concept of "fresh start effect" might lead to procrastination, with individuals delaying change until the next perceived fresh start rather than taking immediate action.
- The idea of making desired behaviors the default option to overcome laziness assumes that environmental restructuring is always feasible, which may not be the case in all personal or professional settings.
- The emphasis on enjoyment in the behavior change process might not be applicable to all types of changes, some of which may inherently involve discomfort or unpleasant tasks.
- The recommendation for flexibility and allowing "emergency reserves" or cheat days could potentially undermine the discipline some individuals may need for certain types of goals, such as recovery from addiction.
- The suggestion to surround oneself with successful role models assumes access to such individuals and may not consider the potential for negative comparisons that could diminish self-esteem.
- The advice to adopt a growth mindset and advise others to boost confidence may not be effective for everyone, as some individuals might experience increased pressure or anxiety from such activities.
- The strategies outlined may not take into account the complexity of individual differences in personality, life circumstances, and mental health issues that can significantly impact behavior change.
- The focus on detailed action plans may not suit individuals who thrive with a more spontaneous or flexible approach to goal setting and achievement.
- The reliance on tools like reminders and accountability partners may not be sustainable in the long term, as they can become crutches that prevent the development of intrinsic motivation and self-regulation.
Actionables
- You can create a "behavior change book club" with friends where each member commits to a personal change and you meet weekly to discuss progress, challenges, and share strategies. This combines social engagement with accountability and can make the process more enjoyable, while also providing a structured strategy and support system.
- Develop a "habit pairing" playlist that combines a new behavior you're trying to adopt with a favorite activity, like listening to a specific podcast while jogging. This makes the new behavior more enjoyable and can help overcome laziness by associating it with something you already like doing.
- Start a "flexibility jar" where you deposit a small amount of money each time you successfully give yourself a break or adjust your goals flexibly. This tangible reward system can reinforce the importance of patience, self-compassion, and the benefits of a non-rigid approach to behavior change.
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Challenges Of Changing Behavior and Limitations of Willpower
Katy Milkman and Mel Robbins explore the fallacies surrounding behavior change and the over-emphasis on willpower, suggesting that developing a strategic approach and forming habits is critical to achieving lasting personal transformation.
Willpower Alone Is Not Enough for Lasting Change
Milkman tackles the popular notion that self-discipline is the key to consistently engaging in positive behaviors, asserting that this is a misleading belief.
Blaming Willpower Instead of Lacking Strategies and Support Systems
Milkman suggests that the frequent failure to initiate and sustain change isn't due to a lack within individuals but rather the absence of adequately structured strategies and support systems. She explains that while a fresh start might kickstart motivation, it doesn't naturally lead to enduring change. Additional tools and approaches are necessary, beyond the initial excitement to begin. Milkman argues that if the process of working towards a goal isn't enjoyable, there's a natural tendency to give up due to the negative anticipation associated with the activity, indicating that enjoyment is a crucial component of successful behavior change.
Behavior Change Is a Skill, Not Just Fortitude
Mastering Behavior Change Aids Personal and Others' Goal Achievement
Both Robbins and Milkman emphasize that learning to alter behavior patterns effectively is a skill rather like mastering a tool such as Excel, rather than an act of sheer fortitude. Robbins introduces the idea that this skill can be learned and then applied not only to one's goals but also to support others in their pursuits.
Milkman expands on this by highlighting the role of habits in making successful people appear consistent in their beneficial behaviors. Establishing a habit loop trigge ...
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Challenges Of Changing Behavior and Limitations of Willpower
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Clarifications
- A "habit loop trigger" is a cue that initiates a habitual behavior automatically. It can be anything in the environment, a time of day, an emotional state, or a preceding action. This trigger signals the brain to start the routine behavior without conscious thought. Over time, the loop strengthens, making the behavior easier and more automatic.
- Willpower is the mental effort used to resist short-term temptations in order to meet long-term goals. Strategic approaches involve planning, creating supportive environments, and building habits that reduce reliance on willpower. Strategies help automate positive behaviors, making them easier to maintain without constant self-control. This reduces burnout and increases the likelihood of lasting change.
- Fresh starts create a psychological reset, boosting motivation by marking a new beginning. This effect is temporary because motivation naturally fluctuates and can wane without ongoing reinforcement. Lasting change requires consistent effort, strategies, and environmental support beyond initial enthusiasm. Without these, the initial motivation from a fresh start fades, making old habits likely to return.
- Behavior change as a skill means it can be learned, practiced, and improved over time, just like using software. It involves understanding techniques, creating routines, and applying strategies consistently. Mastery comes from experience and adapting methods to fit personal needs. This view shifts focus from relying on willpower to developing effective habits and systems.
- Enjoyment activates the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine, which reinforces the behavior. When an activity feels pleasurable, people are more motivated to repeat it, making the behavior more likely to become habitual. Enjoyable experiences reduce the mental resistance and fatigue often associated with effortful tasks. This positive feedback loop helps sustain long-term behavior change by making the process intrinsically rewarding.
- Support systems provide encouragement, accountability, and practical help, making it easier to maintain new behaviors. They can include friends, family, mentors, or groups with similar goals. These systems reduce feelings of isolation and increase motivation during challenges. By offering feedback and reinforcement, they help embed new habits more effectively.
- Habits form through repeated behaviors triggered by specific cues, creating a mental shortcut in th ...
Counterarguments
- While willpower may not be the sole factor in behavior change, it can still play a significant role in initiating and maintaining new habits, especially when facing unexpected challenges or when external support systems fail.
- Some individuals may have successfully changed their behavior primarily through sheer willpower, suggesting that the effectiveness of willpower might be context-dependent or vary from person to person.
- The idea that enjoyment is crucial to sustaining new habits may not account for the fact that some beneficial behaviors are inherently unenjoyable, yet people still maintain them through discipline or a strong sense of duty.
- The comparison of behavior change to mastering a tool like Excel may oversimplify the complex psychological and emotional aspects involved in changing deeply ingrained habits.
- The emphasis on habit formation might overlook the importance of conscious decision-making and reflection in maintaining long-term behavior change, as habits can also lead to complacency or mindless behavior.
- The focus on individual strategies for behavior change may not sufficiently address the role of environmental and societal factors that can significantly influence an individual's ability to change their behavior.
- The assertion ...
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Key Barriers to Change
Katy Milkman and Mel Robbins discuss the universal barriers to change and offer strategies for overcoming them. These obstacles are consistent across all individuals, regardless of demographic characteristics.
Starting Is a Hurdle, but the "Fresh Start Effect" Motivates
Katy Milkman delves into the challenge of getting started on a path to change but suggests harnessing the "fresh start effect" can be the best tool for sparking motivation. She mentions how people are more open to making changes during moments that feel like new beginnings, such as the New Year, which invites a commitment to positive changes. Autobiographical memory theory implies that life transitions, like a new job or a relationship, prompt new chapters in life that inspire change by disconnecting us from past selves. These chapter breaks lead to an increased optimism and a renewed belief that change is possible. Milkman extends the notion of "fresh starts" to frequent events like Mondays, the beginning of each month, and personal milestones like anniversaries. She argues that individuals bucket time, seeing these markers not as continuous but as breaks that prompt change. However, these moments of motivation are insufficient without proper planning and tools to ensure successful change.
New Year, Birthdays, Transitions Boost Willingness to Act
Milkman explains that occasions such as New Year's, birthdays, or life transitions can provide extra motivation for initiating change. These periods allow individuals to take a step back and reflect on their lives, signaling the potential for a fresh start and increased optimism.
Impulsivity and Instant Gratification Hinder Long-Term Goals
Impulsivity is deemed a barrier to change when our desire for instant gratification conflicts with long-term goals. Robbins identifies impulsivity as one of the key internal barriers to change.
"Temptation Bundling" Makes Desired Behavior Enjoyable
To address impulsivity, Milkman suggests creating friction to make it harder to engage in an undesired action. Commitment devices and the importance of detailed plans to maintain accountability are highlighted. She particularly emphasizes the use of "sticks," such as betting money and facing penalties if goals aren't met, as motivation tools.
Counteract Procrastination With Commitment Devices and Accountability
Procrastination is a common barrier where instead of acting, people defer with the intention of doing things "later." Milkman offers solutions via self-imposed consequences like monetary penalties or social costs associated with the failure to act.
Imposed Consequences, Such As Betting Money, Motivate Follow-Through
Milkman mentions websites like Beeminder and Stickk that allow people to wager money against achieving a goal, with fines if they fail. She recounts a smoking cessation study where the mere option to be fined reduced smoking by 30% and shows other non-monetary commitment devices that help in acting against procrastination and impulsivity.
Forgetfulness Is a Barrier; Cues and Reminders Help
Forgetfulness can derail intentionality if priorities are not kept at the forefront of our minds. Milkman highlights the use of cues and reminders to ensure follow-through on commitments.
Effective Habit Formation Plans
Katy Milkman advocates for plans that clearly detail whe ...
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Key Barriers to Change
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The "fresh start effect" is a psychological phenomenon where people feel more motivated to pursue goals after temporal landmarks that separate past and future selves. These landmarks create a mental break, reducing the weight of past failures and increasing optimism. This effect leverages our natural tendency to see time in segments, making new beginnings feel like clean slates. It boosts motivation by framing change as part of a new chapter rather than a continuation of old habits.
- Autobiographical memory theory studies how people remember and organize personal life events. It suggests that memories are structured around significant life chapters or themes. These memory structures influence how individuals perceive their identity and changes over time. Life transitions create mental "chapter breaks," helping people separate past and present selves.
- "Bucketting time" refers to how people mentally divide continuous time into distinct segments or "buckets" based on meaningful events or calendar markers. This segmentation helps individuals organize experiences and goals, making it easier to start fresh or reset behaviors at these boundaries. Psychologically, these time buckets create natural points for reflection and motivation, as people perceive them as new beginnings separate from past failures. This cognitive framing leverages temporal landmarks to boost commitment to change.
- Commitment devices are tools or strategies that help people stick to their goals by creating consequences for failure. They work by increasing the cost of giving in to temptation or procrastination, making it harder to back out of commitments. Examples include financial penalties, public promises, or automated restrictions. These devices leverage self-imposed accountability to align short-term actions with long-term intentions.
- "Temptation bundling" is a strategy that links a pleasurable activity with a task you want to complete but might avoid. For example, only allowing yourself to watch a favorite TV show while exercising. This pairing makes the less enjoyable task more appealing by combining it with an immediate reward. It leverages the brain's desire for instant gratification to support long-term goals.
- "Sticks" are negative consequences used to motivate behavior change by creating a cost for failure. Monetary bets involve risking money that is lost if a goal is not met, increasing commitment through financial loss aversion. Penalties can also be social, such as public accountability or embarrassment, which leverage social pressure. These methods work by making the cost of not changing more immediate and tangible than the abstract benefits of future success.
- Beeminder and Stickk are online commitment platforms that help users set goals and track progress. Users pledge money that they lose if they fail to meet their goals, creating financial consequences to motivate adherence. These platforms use accountability and loss aversion to reduce procrastination and impulsivity. They also provide visual progress tracking and reminders to reinforce commitment.
- Financial penalties leverage loss aversion, a psychological principle where people prefer avoiding losses over acquiring equivalent gains. The threat of lo ...
Counterarguments
- The "fresh start effect" may not be equally motivating for everyone, and some individuals may feel overwhelmed or pressured by societal expectations around temporal landmarks.
- The segmentation of time into discrete buckets might oversimplify the complexity of behavioral change and ignore the continuous effort required to maintain changes.
- Over-reliance on external motivators like the "fresh start effect" or commitment devices may not address underlying issues that prevent change, such as mental health challenges or environmental factors.
- The effectiveness of "sticks" such as monetary penalties may vary among individuals, and for some, the fear of loss may lead to increased stress rather than motivation.
- The use of platforms like Beeminder and Stickk could potentially create a financial burden for individuals who are already struggling, which might exacerbate their stress rather than help them change.
- The assumption that forgetfulness is a barrier to change may not consider that some individuals might intentionally choose not to follow through with certain commitments due to changing priorities or insights.
- The strategy of leveraging laziness by making desired behaviors the default option assumes that individuals have control over their environment, which may not be the case for everyone.
- The idea that advising oth ...
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Specific Evidence-Based Strategies to Overcome Each Barrier
Katy Milkman and Mel Robbins delve into strategies to overcome barriers to personal change, emphasizing the importance of evidence-based tools, detailed action planning, enjoyment, and the use of reminders and accountability.
Combine a Concrete Goal With a Detailed Action Plan
Specify When, Where, and how You'll Do It, and Make It Fun
Katy Milkman explains that to achieve goals, it is essential to set concrete, measurable goals and couple them with a detailed action plan. This includes specifying exactly when, where, and how an action will be taken. She advises planning for change during meaningful personal fresh starts, identifying new beginnings as ideal moments to commit to a goal, leveraging motivation.
Milkman details the advantages of combining goals with action plans in a study where people signed up to exercise more with a friend. Coordination forced by the study design led to increased success rates because of accountability, the enjoyment of doing activities with a friend, and the necessity of planning.
Milkman recommends being intentional about finding a context that triggers desired behaviors, stating the importance of making the goal pursuit enjoyable. She suggests social engagements or switching to more enjoyable activities, such as dancing instead of static exercises like the StairMaster, to enhance the appeal of working on goals.
Tools: Reminders, Accountability Partners, and Confidence Exercises
Evidence-based tools like reminders help overcome forgetfulness. Checklists, calendars, and future-sent emails can serve as cues to trigger behaviors at the correct times. Milkman emphasizes planning for obstacles with prospective solutions, including reminders and cues.
Robbins acknowledges Milkman's information on research that shows coaching someone else can help individuals adopt a mindset conducive to believing in the possibility of change. Robbins underscores the importance of accountability in strengthening plans, where tandem pursuits with friends add motivation, accountability, and enjoyment to goal achievement.
Milkman discusses using reminders, social support, and mentoring as methods to enhance confidence and foster ...
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Specific Evidence-Based Strategies to Overcome Each Barrier
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Counterarguments
- While setting concrete goals is beneficial, overly rigid goals can sometimes lead to discouragement if they are not met. Flexibility in goal setting can sometimes lead to better long-term adherence and less pressure.
- Fresh starts can be motivating, but they can also create a false sense of necessity for a special occasion to begin change, potentially leading to procrastination.
- Exercising with a friend can increase accountability, but it can also lead to dependency, where one's motivation is tied to another's availability and commitment.
- Enjoyable activities are more likely to be adhered to, but they may not always be the most effective or efficient means to achieve certain goals, such as specific fitness or health outcomes.
- Reminders and cues are helpful, but they can also become background noise if overused, leading to habituation and decreased effectiveness.
- Coaching others can be beneficial, but it requires a certain level of expertise and understanding, which not everyone may possess or be able to effectively communicate.
- Accountability partners are useful, but relying too much on external accountability can undermine the development of intrinsic motiv ...
Actionables
- You can create a "goal activation" box where you store physical items related to your goals to make them more tangible and present in your daily life. For example, if your goal is to read more books, place the current book you're reading, a reading lamp, and a comfortable bookmark in a dedicated box in your living area. This creates a physical and visual trigger that reminds you to engage in your goal-related activity.
- Develop a "habit hitchhiking" routine by attaching a new, small goal to an existing, well-established habit. If you already have a habit of drinking coffee every morning, use that time to read a page of a motivational book or do five minutes of meditation, effectively piggybacking on the established routine to build a new habit.
- Organize a "goal gallery" in a shared space at home ...
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