It’s Not You: Why Your Family Stresses You Out & What To Do About It
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, psychologist Mariel Buqué discusses how unresolved trauma and emotions from previous generations can affect current family relationships. She explains the concept of intergenerational trauma and its impact on family dynamics, with particular attention to the "parentified child" who takes on excessive responsibilities early in life.
Buqué outlines practical approaches for managing complex family relationships and breaking harmful patterns. She shares tools for emotional regulation, including breathing techniques and self-soothing practices, while emphasizing the importance of emotional literacy. The discussion explores how individuals can maintain family connections while setting healthy boundaries, and how understanding the context of previous generations can aid in the healing process.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Dec 22, 2025 episode of the The Mel Robbins Podcast
Sign up for Shortform to access the whole episode summary along with additional materials like counterarguments and context.
1-Page Summary
Understanding and Healing Intergenerational Trauma
In this insightful discussion, psychologist Mariel Buqué explores the complex dynamics of intergenerational trauma and family dysfunction. She explains how unresolved issues and emotions from previous generations can unconsciously shape current family relationships, particularly affecting the "parentified child" - often the eldest daughter - who assumes excessive responsibilities early in life.
Breaking the Cycle Through Healing
Buqué emphasizes that healing begins with acknowledging painful family histories and naming personal truths. She guides individuals through the process of grieving their idealized "false family" while accepting the reality of their imperfect one. This process includes developing self-compassion and understanding for parents and grandparents, even as family members might resist these changes.
Tools for Healing and Regulation
According to Buqué, emotional literacy is crucial for breaking harmful patterns. She advocates for teaching children to name and process emotions, while also implementing practical tools for nervous system regulation. These include simple techniques like deep breathing, rocking, and humming. Mel Robbins shares that incorporating these calming practices into daily life has been transformative for her.
Managing Complex Family Relationships
The healing journey varies for each family member, explains Buqué. Rather than trying to change others, she recommends focusing on personal growth and building emotional fortitude. Sometimes, this might mean creating distance from harmful relationships while seeking support from trusted connections. Buqué and Robbins both emphasize that it's possible to maintain family connections while setting healthy boundaries.
The Role of Compassion in Healing
Buqué encourages understanding that previous generations often lacked today's tools and resources for emotional healing. She suggests recognizing both the inherited trauma and the resilience passed down through families. Robbins adds that showing up to family gatherings as a more healed person can create new, healthier dynamics within the family system.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While acknowledging painful family histories is important, some individuals may find that focusing too much on the past can hinder their ability to live in the present and plan for the future.
- The concept of the "parentified child" is a useful framework, but it may not capture the full diversity of experiences within families, as children of different genders and birth orders can assume excessive responsibilities.
- Grieving an idealized "false family" is a powerful concept, but some individuals may find strength in maintaining certain idealized aspects of their family as a source of hope and motivation for change.
- Emotional literacy is crucial, but it should be balanced with other forms of intelligence and coping strategies that individuals may find effective, such as cognitive problem-solving or physical activity.
- Practical tools for nervous system regulation are helpful, but they may not be sufficient for everyone, especially those with more severe trauma or mental health issues that require professional intervention.
- The recommendation to create distance from harmful relationships can be beneficial, but it may also be important to consider the potential for reconciliation and healing within those relationships, where safe and possible.
- The emphasis on personal growth over changing others is valuable, but there may be situations where systemic or collective action is necessary to address family dysfunction.
- The idea that previous generations lacked modern tools and resources for emotional healing can be true, but it may also overlook the different cultural practices and wisdom that have supported emotional well-being in the past.
- The suggestion to show up to family gatherings as a more healed person is positive, but it may not account for the fact that not all family members will be receptive to or supportive of the changes in dynamics this may bring.
Actionables
- You can create a "Family Emotion Map" by drawing a tree that represents your family and using different colors or symbols to mark areas of unresolved issues or strong emotions. This visual representation can help you identify patterns and areas that may need attention or healing. For example, a red dot could signify anger or conflict, while a blue wave might represent sadness or unresolved grief.
- Start a "Boundary Box" practice where you write down your needs and limits on small pieces of paper and place them in a box. Regularly review and update these as a physical reminder of your boundaries. This can be especially helpful before family gatherings, where you might need to reinforce your personal limits. For instance, one note might read, "I need to take a 10-minute walk alone when conversations become overwhelming."
- Develop a "Resilience Journal" where you document instances of strength and overcoming adversity in your family history. This can include stories from your own life, your parents, or even your grandparents. The act of writing these stories can foster a sense of inherited resilience and provide perspective on your family's capacity to heal and grow. An entry might detail how your grandmother started a new life in a new country, highlighting the courage and resilience that you also possess.
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Intergenerational Trauma: Unresolved Pain and Dysfunction in Families
Intergenerational trauma and dysfunction significantly impact family dynamics and can lead to protracted pain and behavioral patterns. Mariel Buqué, a leading psychologist in healing intergenerational trauma, presents insights on understanding and breaking these cycles.
Intergenerational Trauma and Dysfunction Impact Family Dynamics
Mariel Buqué speaks on the concept of the "parentified child," often the eldest daughter, who takes on an excessive burden from a young age, thus forfeiting a carefree childhood. She explains that such children learn to prioritize the needs of others over their own, a behavior that persists into adulthood. This predisposition can result in chronic exhaustion and mental fog due to an inability to rest, affecting various aspects of life, including work and parenting.
Family's Unresolved Issues & Emotions Passed Down Subconsciously
Many of the unresolved issues and unacknowledged emotions of our parents and grandparents shape us. Buqué notes that the eldest daughter typically carries this burden of early responsibility, which can affect her ability to express her own needs later in life.
Generational Challenges Persist Even When Causes Are Unclear
Buqué helps individuals understand how their childhood and their parents' childhoods have shaped them into the adults they've become, highlighting how these generational challenges sometimes persist even when their causes are not transparent.
Healing Intergenerational Trauma: Confront the Past, Break the Cycle
By facing the pain embedded from past generations, individuals can reduce suffering and model healthier behaviors for their descendants.
Acknowledging Painful Family History Is the First Step Towards Change
Acknowledging painful family history is critical. Buqué emphasizes the hardest and first step: naming the truth. She advises individuals to bring out family secrets, at least to themselves, and to start by naming their own truths within their stories.
Grieving the Desired Family and Accepting the Imperfect one for Healing
Buqué helps people grieve the loss of the ideal family they never had—what she calls their "false family." She provides support in accepting one’s actual family, which may be imperfect or in denial of the wounds they have caused. Robbins and Buqué discuss the significance of acknowledging the limitations of parents, grieving for what might have been, and accepting re ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Intergenerational Trauma: Unresolved Pain and Dysfunction in Families
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- A "parentified child" is a child who takes on adult responsibilities, such as caregiving or emotional support, typically due to parental absence or dysfunction. This role reversal can hinder the child's emotional development and lead to difficulties in setting boundaries and expressing needs later in life. Psychologically, it often results in chronic stress, anxiety, and a sense of lost childhood. The child may struggle with identity and relationships as an adult because their own needs were consistently suppressed.
- Intergenerational trauma refers to the transmission of trauma effects from one generation to the next, often through behaviors, emotional patterns, and family dynamics rather than direct experience. It can occur because parents or caregivers who experienced trauma may unconsciously pass on their fears, coping mechanisms, and emotional wounds to their children. This transmission can affect brain development, stress responses, and relationship patterns in descendants. Understanding this helps explain why some family struggles persist even without clear memories of the original trauma.
- Unresolved emotions and issues from ancestors can influence descendants through learned behaviors and emotional patterns passed down in family interactions. These subconscious effects often manifest as inherited fears, coping mechanisms, or relational dynamics without explicit awareness. Epigenetic research suggests trauma can alter gene expression, potentially affecting stress responses in future generations. This transmission shapes how descendants perceive and react to their environment, often repeating cycles of pain unknowingly.
- The "false family" refers to an idealized or imagined version of a family that meets all emotional needs perfectly. The "actual family" is the real family with its flaws, limitations, and unresolved issues. Grieving the false family means mourning the loss of this ideal while accepting the real family as it is. This acceptance is essential for emotional healing and setting realistic expectations.
- Grieving a family one never had means mourning the loss of the ideal, loving family experience that was hoped for but never existed. This process helps individuals acknowledge unmet emotional needs and the gap between expectation and reality. It allows for emotional release and reduces denial or resentment toward one’s actual family. Ultimately, grieving enables acceptance and emotional healing by confronting painful feelings rather than suppressing them.
- Setting boundaries means clearly defining what behaviors and interactions are acceptable to protect your emotional and mental well-being. It involves communicating limits to family members to prevent harm or stress. Boundaries help maintain healthy relationships by ensuring respect and reducing conflict. They can include limiting contact, refusing to engage in certain topics, or asserting personal needs firmly.
- Healing intergenerational trauma can provoke backlash because it challenges long-held family narratives and exposes hidden wounds. Family members may feel threatened or defensive when painful truths are revealed. This discomfort can lead to resistance or attempt ...
Counterarguments
- The concept of the "parentified child" may not always lead to negative outcomes; some individuals may develop resilience and strong leadership skills from early responsibility.
- The focus on the eldest daughter may overlook the experiences of other children in the family who may also be significantly affected by intergenerational trauma.
- The idea that unresolved issues are passed down subconsciously could be challenged by those who believe in more individualistic approaches to psychology, emphasizing personal agency and choice.
- The notion that generational challenges persist even when their causes are unclear might be contested by those who argue for a more evidence-based approach to understanding psychological issues.
- The process of healing intergenerational trauma as presented may not be universally applicable or effective for all individuals or cultural backgrounds.
- The emphasis on acknowledging painful family history might not be the best approach for everyone; some individuals may find healing through forward-looking strategies or by focusing on personal growth without delving into the past.
- The idea of grieving for an idealized family could be seen as less constructive than working to improve current family dynamics or focusing on building one's own healthy family relationships.
- The suggestion that understanding and compassion towards parents and gra ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Healing and Nervous System Regulation to Break Family Patterns
To break detrimental family patterns, cultivating emotional literacy and implementing practical tools for nervous system regulation are crucial.
Cultivating Emotional Literacy and Self-Awareness Is Crucial to Heal
Mariel Buqué highlights the importance of emotional literacy. She asserts that gendered socialization often leads to emotional suppression, which can have negative health ramifications such as autoimmune diseases due to the weakened immune system in women. She suggests that naming emotions is vital for children and adults alike to avoid a cycle of emotional suppression.
Healthy Emotion Naming and Management
Buqué emphasizes the need for parents to teach emotional literacy to their children by modeling it themselves. For instance, a child voicing sadness over a friend moving away and a parent expressing disappointment over a game result teach the child emotional expression.
Emotional Processing and Conflict Resolution for Younger Generations
Buqué also stresses the significance of language of repair, such as apologizing and admitting errors in front of children to encourage them to grow into emotionally competent adults. She warns against invalidating a child's emotions and recommends open-end questions to facilitate emotional processing and offer a supportive environment for managing conflicts.
Implementing Practical Tools for Nervous System Regulation
To manage emotions and responses within family dynamics, practical tools and techniques for nervous system regulation can be very valuable.
Breathing, Rocking, Humming: Somatic Techniques to Calm
Mel Robbins states that calming her nervous system has changed her life, advocating for simple practices like deep breathing during everyday activities such as driving. Buqué loves the technique of rocking, which engages the ventral vagal nerve, inducing restfulness and a sense of safety that is effective for both children and adults. Buqué also suggests humming combined with rocking to strengthen the calming effect and references the natural self-soothing behaviors like stimming in neurodivergent individuals as beneficial.
"Micro Moments: Pause, Reset, Choose Responses"
Buqué urges practicing nervous system tools in non-triggering situations to prepare for family interactions. She suggests integrating micro moments, such as deep breathing or reassessing stress signals, throughout the day to maintain nervous system regulation. Pau ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Healing and Nervous System Regulation to Break Family Patterns
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Emotional literacy and nervous system regulation may not be a one-size-fits-all solution; individual differences in personality, culture, and psychological makeup can influence their effectiveness.
- The link between emotional suppression and autoimmune diseases is complex and may involve other factors; implying a direct causation might oversimplify the issue.
- While naming emotions is important, overemphasis on emotional expression without proper context or guidance could potentially lead to emotional dysregulation or inappropriate emotional responses.
- Parents modeling emotional literacy is important, but there should also be an acknowledgment of the challenges parents face, including their own unresolved emotional issues that could hinder their ability to model effectively.
- Apologizing and admitting mistakes are important, but they must be genuine and accompanied by real change to be effective in teaching emotional competence.
- Open-ended questions are useful, but they must be age-appropriate and sensitive to the child's developmental stage to facilitate meaningful emotional processing.
- Somatic techniques are helpful, but they may not work for everyone, and some individuals may require professional guidance to avoid reinforcing negative patterns.
- Stimming and other self-soothing behaviors can be beneficial, but they should be understood and managed within the context of the individual's needs, especially for neurodivergent individuals.
- Practicing nervous system regulation tools in non-triggering situations is useful, but it may not fully prepare someone for the intensity of real-life family dynamics.
- The concept of "micro moments" is valuable, but it may not be feasible for individuals in high-stress environments or those with certain mental health conditions. ...
Actionables
- Create an emotion journal to track feelings and responses throughout the day, noting what triggered the emotion, the intensity, and how you dealt with it. This practice can help you become more aware of your emotional patterns and identify areas where you might be suppressing emotions. For example, if you notice you consistently write down feelings of frustration at work but don't express them, it might be a sign you need to find healthy outlets for that emotion.
- Develop a "family emotional charter" where each family member contributes ideas on how to express emotions healthily and support each other. This could include agreements on taking turns to speak during conflicts, using specific phrases to express feelings without blame, and establishing family rituals that encourage sharing, like a weekly "feelings roundtable."
- Engage in role-playing exercises with friends or family members to pract ...
Related Shortform Content
Get access to the context and additional materials
Navigating Strained Family Relationships With Unhealed Members
Mel Robbins and Mariel Buqué discuss the challenges and strategies for managing complex family relationships when healing and self-validation are at the forefront.
Family Members May Heal At Different Levels
Healing Happens When Ready; Forcing Change Rarely Works
By focusing on her personal growth and developing boundaries, Robbins has seen positive changes in her family dynamics. However, an individual can still have a nourishing family life even if their family members have not done the work to heal by taking what they can from family interactions and leaving the rest.
Grieving the Desired Relationship Vs. Accepting Reality
Mariel Buqué explains that people can only provide acknowledgment and validation if they have processed their own issues. She indicates that managing expectations around family members who may not have had the capacity to know any better can assist in grieving the desired family relationship vs. accepting the reality, which aids in personal healing.
Personal Growth and Healing, Not Changing Others
Buqué emphasizes that healing is a personal journey. It’s important not to expect family members, like a 70-year-old mother, to heal at the same pace. It's crucial to celebrate even small signs of insight from unhealed family members, as these can be "micro moments" of progress.
Practicing Self-Validation Without Family Approval
People seeking to break generational cycles may hope to bring their entire family along, but each member has their own timeline and process for healing. Dr. Bouquet suggests acknowledging and grieving what cannot be achieved in terms of acknowledgment from family members and letting go as part of the healing journey.
Modeling Healthy Behaviors and Boundaries to Inspire Change
Building emotional fortitude and boundaries is key to controlling reactions rather than trying to change others. This demonstrates healthy independence and can inspire change within the family. Robbins and Buqué imply that practicing tools in solitude to ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Navigating Strained Family Relationships With Unhealed Members
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While celebrating "micro moments" of progress from unhealed family members can be positive, it might also lead to false hope or disappointment if those moments do not lead to significant or consistent change.
- The idea of self-validation without family approval is empowering, but it may not address the deep-seated need for connection and recognition from one's family, which can be a fundamental human desire.
- Modeling healthy behaviors and boundaries is important, but it may not always inspire change in others, as individuals have their own agency and may resist change despite positive examples.
- The concept of no-contact in cases of severe trauma is valid, but it can also be extremely challenging to implement, especially when societal or cultural norms heavily emphasize family unity.
- Seeking support from trusted connections outside the family is a good strategy, but it may not fully compensate for the loss of familial bonds, and some individuals may struggle to find or build such connections.
- The emp ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal to track your own healing journey, noting down your feelings, boundaries set, and personal achievements. By regularly reflecting on your progress, you can see how you're developing independently of your family's healing. For example, if you've successfully maintained a boundary during a family gathering, write down how it made you feel and what you learned from the experience.
- Develop a "micro moments" scrapbook where you collect and celebrate small positive interactions with family members. This could be as simple as a kind word, a shared laugh, or a moment of understanding. Whenever you notice such a moment, jot it down or include a symbolic item in your scrapbook. This practice helps you focus on the positive steps, however small, and reinforces the value of incremental progress.
- Establish a self-soothing toolkit that ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Self-Compassion and Generational Compassion in Healing
Mel Robbins, Mariel Buqué, and other experts discuss the role of compassion towards oneself and previous generations as a critical factor in the healing process.
Compassion for Flawed Parents and Grandparents
The discussion hinges on understanding that past generations may not have had access to the tools and resources available now, which informs a compassionate perspective towards flaws in parenting.
Past Generations Lacked Tools for Better Parenting
Robbins points out that parents and grandparents often lacked the tools or resources for healing and support that are available today, which affected their parenting and behavior. This notion is underscored by Buqué, who emphasizes the need to understand the historical context in which previous generations operated, which could be lacking in awareness or resources we have today.
Recognizing Their Humanity and Potential Within Their Experiences
Buqué encourages a recognition of parents and past generations as doing the best they could within their limitations, which can lead to seeing their full humanity, despite the unintentional harm they may have caused. For example, cases where parents had to work multiple jobs result in their absence, inadvertently putting undue responsibility on the eldest child. Understanding their context leads to meaningful self-reflection and a more compassionate response.
Practicing Self-Compassion Throughout the Healing Journey
Through the conversation, the experts advocate for recognizing the inherited strengths and resiliences from our families while embracing grace and patience in personal healing.
Recognizing Resilience and Strengths From Previous Generations
The conversation also touches on the importance of acknowledging the inherited hardworking nature and positive traits despite the family trauma. Buqué and Robbins remind listeners of the power to transform one's life, emphasizing that healing can begin at any age.
Embrace Grace and Patience in Healing, Not Self-Judgment
The experts touch upon the notion of intergeneratio ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Self-Compassion and Generational Compassion in Healing
Additional Materials
Actionables
- Create a family history timeline to visually acknowledge the challenges and strengths of past generations, which can foster compassion and understanding. Start by gathering information from relatives or public records about key events in your family's past. Plot these events on a timeline and include both the hardships they faced and the positive attributes they displayed. This visual representation can help you see the broader context of your family's journey, encouraging a more empathetic view of their actions and decisions.
- Develop a daily affirmation ritual to practice self-compassion and acknowledge inherited resilience. Write down a set of affirmations that resonate with your desire to heal and recognize your family's strengths. Each morning, take a few minutes to recite these affirmations in front of a mirror, focusing on the feelings of self-compassion and gratitude for the resilience passed down to you.
- Initiate a 'healing jar' project to physically manifest ...
Get access to the context and additional materials
Create Summaries for anything on the web
Download the Shortform Chrome extension for your browser
