How to Move On, Let Go of Past Mistakes, and Reinvent Yourself
In this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast, former megachurch pastor Carl Lentz speaks with Mel Robbins about his experience of public scandal, personal recovery, and the process of rebuilding after major life setbacks. After losing his job, reputation, and home due to an extramarital affair, Lentz shares how he chose transparency about his failures instead of retreating from public view.
The conversation examines the nature of shame and its ability to keep people trapped in past mistakes. Lentz and Robbins discuss practical approaches to self-forgiveness, describing it as an ongoing process rather than a one-time event. They explore strategies for personal growth, including the value of therapy, meditation, and maintaining a supportive social circle while working through difficult periods of change.
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1-Page Summary
Personal Story of Public Downfall and Rebuilding
Carl Lentz, a former megachurch pastor, shares his journey through public scandal and personal recovery. As co-founder of Hillsong Church in New York City, Lentz built a congregation of 150,000 members before his termination in 2020 due to an extramarital affair. The scandal cost him his job, reputation, friends, and home, leading to intense public scrutiny and personal turmoil.
Rather than retreating, Lentz chose transparency about his failures. He now shares his story openly, hoping to help others facing similar challenges. Through this process, he demonstrates how accountability and learning from past mistakes can lead to personal growth and recovery.
Psychology and Emotional Experience of Shame and Self-Forgiveness
In their discussion, Lentz and Mel Robbins explore the debilitating nature of shame. Lentz describes shame as a self-imposed limitation that keeps people trapped in their past mistakes, preventing personal growth and meaningful presence in current relationships.
Robbins emphasizes that self-forgiveness is crucial for healing, while Lentz adds that it's not a one-time event but an ongoing process. Even after initial steps toward healing, he acknowledges the need to regularly reassure himself of forgiveness.
Steps and Mindsets For Self-Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Lentz and Robbins discuss practical approaches to self-forgiveness and growth. They emphasize that while the past can't be changed, individuals can shape their future by focusing on who they want to become rather than who they were.
Lentz encourages celebrating small victories and persistence, even during difficult days. He compares personal growth to farming, emphasizing that progress takes time and effort. He also stresses the importance of surrounding oneself with supportive people while avoiding those who keep you trapped in past shame, suggesting that recovery often requires resources like therapy, prayer, and meditation.
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Counterarguments
- While transparency can be helpful, it's also important to consider the privacy of others involved in personal scandals, especially in cases of infidelity where multiple parties are affected.
- The size of Lentz's congregation is notable, but large numbers don't necessarily reflect the health or depth of a community or its leadership.
- Using one's downfall as a platform for teaching can be beneficial, but it also runs the risk of monetizing or sensationalizing personal failure.
- The concept of shame as a self-imposed limitation may oversimplify the complex psychological and social factors that contribute to feelings of shame.
- The emphasis on self-forgiveness, while important, might overlook the need for making amends or seeking forgiveness from others who were harmed.
- The idea that focusing on the future self can lead to growth is valuable, but it's also important to fully understand and integrate lessons from past behaviors.
- Celebrating small victories is important, but without acknowledging and understanding the root causes of one's mistakes, it may lead to a superficial recovery.
- The comparison of personal growth to farming is a useful metaphor, but it may not capture the unpredictable and non-linear nature of personal development.
- The suggestion to surround oneself with supportive people is sound, but it's also important to engage with diverse perspectives to avoid creating an echo chamber.
- While therapy, prayer, and meditation are listed as resources for recovery, it's important to acknowledge that different strategies work for different individuals, and some may find other methods more effective.
Actionables
- Create a "growth journal" to document your journey, focusing on who you want to become and celebrating small victories along the way. Start by setting aside a few minutes each day to write down what you learned from any mistakes made, how you're working towards your future self, and any progress, no matter how minor. This could be as simple as acknowledging a day you lived in accordance with your values or a moment you chose a healthy coping mechanism over an old, destructive habit.
- Develop a "shame resilience plan" by identifying triggers and preparing constructive responses. Begin by noting situations that typically evoke feelings of shame. Then, brainstorm healthy reactions to these triggers, such as reaching out to a friend, engaging in a self-care activity, or reframing the negative thought into a learning opportunity. For example, if you notice that making a mistake at work triggers shame, plan to review what went wrong calmly and identify steps to improve, rather than spiraling into self-criticism.
- Form a "support squad" by actively seeking out and nurturing relationships with people who encourage your recovery and personal growth. This could involve joining a local club or online community with interests aligned with your growth goals, volunteering for causes you care about to meet like-minded individuals, or simply reaching out to friends and family to express your need for support. Make it a point to regularly check in with these people, share your progress, and ask for feedback or encouragement when you're facing challenges.
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Personal Story of Public Downfall and Rebuilding
Carl Lentz shares the tumultuous journey of his public downfall and the steps he is taking to rebuild his life, aiming to help others learn from his experience.
Carl Lentz: Megachurch Pastor's Rise and Fall
Carl Lentz was once a leading megachurch pastor who saw his life and career unravel due to personal mistakes.
Lentz Co-founded and Led New York's Hillsong Church, Becoming a Prominent Figure
Carl Lentz co-founded Hillsong Church in New York City and nurtured its growth to an impressive 150,000 members. His iconoclastic style in 2017, 2018, and 2019, characterized by leather, skinny jeans, and rock-and-roll music, made him a cultural disruptor in the Christian community.
Lentz Fired From Church In 2020 For Extramarital Affair, Losing Job, Reputation, and Home
In 2020, Lentz faced a severe downfall. He was terminated from Hillsong Church due to "leadership issues and breaches of trust," specifically an extramarital affair. This scandal cost him his job, reputation, almost every friend, and his family's housing, dismantling the life he had built. Mel Robbins implies a connected professional and personal fallout, while Lentz admits to infidelity, facing the consequences of losing his dignity, credibility, and work.
Lentz Faced Scrutiny and Turmoil After Downfall
The aftermath of his firing led to intense public scrutiny. Docu-series and tabloid reports surged, detailing the controversy. Lentz describes the significant personal impact, including betrayal from friends and an emotional toll on his family. Amidst the turmoil of having to move out abruptly under paparazzi watch, Lentz recounts hitting rock bottom.
Lentz's Choice to Own Mistakes and Share Recovery
Lentz commits to owning his errors and using his experiences as a lesson for others.
Lentz Chose Transparency About Failures and Rebuilding
Determined to confront his issues head-on, Lentz chose transparency over retreat. Some choices included a painful admission to his wife which now serves as a reminder to never repeat his past mistakes. He eng ...
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Personal Story of Public Downfall and Rebuilding
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Counterarguments
- While Lentz's transparency is commendable, it could be argued that public figures often use such strategies to regain public favor, which may not always reflect genuine remorse or change.
- The narrative of rebuilding and sharing one's story can sometimes overshadow the impact of the initial wrongdoing, potentially minimizing the experiences of those hurt by Lentz's actions.
- The effectiveness of sharing personal downfall stories as a means to help others could be questioned, as it may not always translate into actionable advice for those facing different circumstances.
- The idea that openness enables accountability might be challenged by suggesting that true accountability often requires more than just public acknowledgment, such as tangible reparations or systemic changes.
- The concept of using regret as a ...
Actionables
- You can start a personal accountability journal to track your actions and their consequences, fostering a habit of self-reflection and responsibility. Begin by writing down daily or weekly instances where you faced ethical decisions or made mistakes, and reflect on the outcomes and what you learned. This practice encourages you to be honest with yourself and can serve as a reminder to uphold your values.
- Create a "regret-to-reform" plan that turns past mistakes into actionable steps for personal growth. Identify a regret you have, then list the lessons it taught you and specific ways you can avoid repeating the same error. For example, if you regret not speaking up in a meeting, your plan might include public speaking practice and setting a goal to contribute at least once in the next session.
- Engage in a "transparen ...
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Psychology and Emotional Experience of Shame and Self-Forgiveness
Carl Lentz and Mel Robbins address the emotionally taxing experiences of shame and the liberating power of self-forgiveness, shedding light on the psychological aspects of these experiences.
Shame Is a Selfish, Debilitating, Self-Focused Emotion
Described by Carl Lentz as a heavy and unbearable weight, shame is presented as a selfish and self-focused emotion that curtails one's capacity for presence and growth.
Shame Traps People In the Past and Concerns Them With Opinions
Lentz characterizes shame as shackles of one's own creation. It is a self-imposed limitation that fixates individuals on their past mistakes, trapping them in a cycle of negative self-focus and concern over others' opinions of themselves.
Shame Hinders Self-Improvement
Shame not only encumbers one's mental energy, preventing them from being present in important moments, like being there for his son as Lentz mentions, but its debilitating nature also constrains self-improvement. The phrase "You should be ashamed of yourself" illustrates how shame turns one's focus inward unproductively.
Self-Forgiveness Is Crucial for Healing and Growth
Mel Robbins, along with Lentz, underlines the importance of self-forgiveness as a catalyst for overcoming the confines of shame and allowing for personal development.
Forgiveness Frees From Shame, Allows Positive Chan ...
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Psychology and Emotional Experience of Shame and Self-Forgiveness
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Counterarguments
- Shame can be a social emotion that is not solely self-focused but also about others' perceptions, which can foster social cohesion and adherence to community standards.
- Feeling shame can sometimes be a catalyst for self-improvement, as it may motivate individuals to address and correct their behaviors.
- Self-forgiveness, while important, should not overshadow the need for accountability and making amends to those who may have been harmed by one's actions.
- The process of forgiveness, both of self and others, can vary greatly among individuals, and there may be different valid approaches to achieving ...
Actionables
- Create a "shame journal" to track and analyze moments of shame, noting the triggers and your reactions to them. By writing down instances when you feel shame, you can begin to see patterns in what causes these feelings and how you respond. For example, if you notice that making mistakes at work often leads to feelings of shame, you can start to address this by reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that they are opportunities for learning and growth.
- Develop a "forgiveness mantra" to recite during moments of self-criticism or shame. This could be a simple phrase that affirms your commitment to self-forgiveness, such as "I am learning from my past and growing every day." Use this mantra whenever you catch yourself ruminating on past mistakes or feeling unworthy. This practice can help rewire your thought patterns towards self-compassion and away from shame.
- Engage in a daily mindfulness practice focused on the present moment to c ...
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Steps and Mindsets For Self-Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Understanding the journey to self-forgiveness and progression requires adopting certain mindsets and taking actionable steps toward creating a positive personal narrative.
Recognizing You Control Your Narrative and Future
Empowerment arises when individuals realize they cannot change the past but can shape their future.
Can't Change Past, but Can Shape Future
Lentz and Robbins acknowledge moments that divide life into a before and after, suggesting that owning these experiences is crucial in deciding how to move forward. Lentz stresses that although the past is unchangeable, it does not have to dictate one's future. He advises individuals to let go of negative chapters and begin crafting new, positive ones. This embodies the sentiment of reclaiming what was lost with interest through the chapters yet to be written.
Own Your Story; Focus On Who You Want to Be, Not Who You Were
Lentz emphasizes ownership over one's narrative by focusing on self-improvement rather than dwelling on past mistakes. He conveys that committing to self-forgiveness is about concentrating on who one is becoming, rather than who they once were, and by doing so, they can reframe even the hardest chapters as potentially pivotal moments in life.
Giving Yourself Grace and Acknowledging Small Victories
It's vital to celebrate persistence and each step taken toward self-betterment.
Celebrate Your Persistence, Even On Hard Days
Latent within Lentz's reflections is the understanding that facing daily challenges is part of the journey to forgiveness. He encourages individuals to recognize their persistence and healing, valuing every step as a victory to celebrate. Lentz believes that acknowledging difficult emotions is part of the process towards self-forgiveness. Surviving each new day, especially when giving up feels tempting, is a milestone worth acknowledging.
Progress Is Slow, but Every Step Is Worth Building On
Lentz articulates that personal growth and recovery are slow and sometimes tedious processes. He likens growth to farming, indicating that progress requires time, effort, and sometimes the support of others who believe in your journey. Lentz speaks to acquiring attributes such as peace and power throughout recovery, which signifies that slow progress holds value and that every incremental step is foundational.
Seeking Support and Surrounding Yourself With Believers
The role of a support system is paramount in the journey towards self-forgiveness and growth.
Lean On Supportive Friends and Loved Ones For Encouragement and Accountability
Support is essential, as indicated by Lentz, who shares the necessity of resources ...
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Steps and Mindsets For Self-Forgiveness and Moving Forward
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Counterarguments
- While focusing on the future is important, some psychological theories suggest that fully understanding and processing one's past is necessary for true healing, rather than simply letting go of negative chapters.
- The concept of owning one's story can be complex, and some individuals may struggle with the idea due to factors like trauma, which might require professional help beyond simple self-improvement efforts.
- The encouragement to focus on self-improvement rather than past mistakes may not acknowledge the importance of learning from those mistakes, which is often a critical part of personal growth.
- Celebrating every small victory might lead to complacency in some individuals, who may benefit more from a balanced approach that also recognizes areas needing improvement.
- The idea that progress is slow and every step is worth building on might not resonate with those who experience rapid breakthroughs or believe in the potential for quick, transformative change.
- The suggestion to seek support and surround oneself with believers may not consider the value of constructive criticism or the role of skeptics who can provid ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Future Letter" to yourself, describing your life one year from now as if you've already achieved your self-improvement goals. Write it in the present tense, detailing the positive changes you've made and how you've overcome past challenges. This exercise helps visualize success and reinforces the belief that you can shape your future.
- Start a "Victory Jar" where you'll drop a note every time you take a step towards self-betterment, no matter how small. This could be as simple as choosing a healthy meal, exercising, or acknowledging a mistake and learning from it. Over time, you'll accumulate a tangible representation of your progress, which can be especially uplifting on days when you feel stuck.
- Develop a "Support Circl ...
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