#246 Vanessa Marin - Sex Doctor Explains Why Bad Sex Destroys Marriages and How to Prevent It
In this episode of the Shawn Ryan Show, sex doctor Vanessa Marin discusses how intimacy changes in long-term relationships and what couples can do about it. She examines the physical and psychological factors that lead to decreased intimacy, including how natural changes in attraction, stress, and poor self-care affect couples' connections over time.
Marin explains different types of sexual desire and introduces practical strategies for maintaining physical and emotional bonds. She covers the importance of understanding "initiation styles," similar to love languages, and shares her GET Intimate Technique for rebuilding connection. The discussion includes specific advice about communication, scheduling intimate time, and maintaining physical affection throughout daily life.
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1-Page Summary
Factors Decreasing Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
Vanessa Marin explores the complex factors that lead to declining intimacy in long-term relationships. She explains that physical and physiological changes, including the natural decline in intense attraction after 6-12 months, affect couples' intimate connections. Poor self-care, body image issues, and stress can significantly impact desire and performance, particularly for women who may struggle with body self-consciousness.
As relationships mature, Marin notes that couples often fall into routines, taking their partners for granted and neglecting quality time. The demands of modern life can transform romantic partners into what feels more like roommates. Additionally, fear of rejection and misunderstandings about sexual approaches can create distance between partners.
Strategies For Initiating and Communicating About Sex
Marin introduces the concept of "initiation styles," similar to love languages, where partners either prefer spontaneous, playful initiation or need emotional connection first. She recommends decoupling initiation from the actual act of sex to reduce pressure. Open, positive communication about sexual desires and scheduling intimate time can help overcome various barriers to fulfilling sexual relationships.
Understanding Differences in Sexual Desires Between Partners
According to Marin, understanding the two types of sexual desire—spontaneous and responsive—is crucial for couples. While spontaneous desire (more common in men) involves thinking about sex before physical arousal, responsive desire (more common in women) requires physical stimulation first. She emphasizes that intercourse often isn't the most pleasurable activity for many women, and open communication about preferences is essential for mutual satisfaction.
Techniques to Reignite Physical and Emotional Intimacy
Marin provides practical advice for rebuilding intimacy through her GET Intimate Technique (Gratitude, Eye Contact, and Touch). She recommends frequent physical affection throughout the day, maintaining eye contact during greetings and intimate moments, and showing appreciation. To keep the excitement alive, couples can explore new or previously enjoyed sexual activities and incorporate playfulness into daily routines through "choreplay." Marin emphasizes that scheduling intimate time is crucial for busy couples, suggesting that treating it as a priority helps maintain a healthy connection.
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Counterarguments
- While physical and physiological changes can affect intimacy, it's also important to consider the psychological and emotional growth that can enhance intimacy as partners deepen their understanding and connection over time.
- Stress and poor self-care can indeed impact desire, but it's also possible for some individuals to find that these challenges bring them closer together as they support each other through difficulties.
- Routines in long-term relationships can provide stability and comfort, which some couples may prefer over the uncertainty of constantly changing dynamics.
- The idea that modern life turns partners into roommates overlooks the potential for shared responsibilities and daily life to create a different kind of intimacy and partnership.
- While fear of rejection and misunderstandings can create distance, they can also be opportunities for growth and improved communication if handled constructively.
- The concept of "initiation styles" may not resonate with everyone, and some may find that sexual initiation is more nuanced and cannot be easily categorized.
- The division of sexual desires into spontaneous and responsive might oversimplify a complex spectrum of sexual experiences and ignore the variability within individuals.
- The emphasis on open communication about sexual preferences, while generally positive, may not account for cultural, personal, or emotional barriers that make such discussions challenging for some individuals.
- Techniques like the GET Intimate Technique may not be universally effective, as different couples may have unique ways of connecting that work better for them.
- The recommendation for frequent physical affection and eye contact might not suit all individuals or relationships, particularly where personal space and autonomy are highly valued.
- The suggestion to explore new sexual activities assumes a level of comfort and interest in experimentation that not all individuals or couples share.
- Scheduling intimate time can be helpful, but it might also lead to the perception of intimacy as an obligation rather than a spontaneous expression of love for some couples.
Actionables
- Create a "Desire Diary" to track and understand your own sexual desires and patterns. By keeping a daily log of when you feel most aroused or interested in intimacy, you can identify trends and triggers for your sexual desire, whether they're spontaneous or responsive. For example, you might notice that you feel more desire after a relaxing activity or when you've had a particularly affectionate day with your partner.
- Develop a "Couple's Wishlist" where both you and your partner write down new activities or experiences you'd like to try together, both sexual and non-sexual. This can range from trying a new restaurant to experimenting with a different kind of touch or kiss. Regularly review and update the list together, making plans to incorporate these new experiences into your life. This keeps your relationship dynamic and ensures that both partners are actively contributing to the growth of your intimacy.
- Implement a "Micro-Date" routine, where you and your partner commit to short, 15-30 minute dates throughout the week. These can be as simple as enjoying a coffee together in the morning, a brief walk after dinner, or a dedicated time to share compliments and affection. The goal is to ensure that, despite busy schedules, you're carving out moments to connect and maintain your emotional and physical bond.
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Factors Decreasing Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
Vanessa Marin explores different factors that contribute to the decline of intimacy in long-term relationships, revealing that sustaining the early fervor is more complex than many realize.
Physical and Physiological Changes Affect Intimacy
Couples' Initial Intense Attraction Declines Due to Hormonal and Neurochemical Shifts
Marin shares how the intense chemistry of new relationships simulates a feeling akin to being high on cocaine but cannot be maintained beyond six to 12 months. The brain's inability to maintain elevated levels of neurotransmitters explains the decline of that initial attraction.
Impact of Poor Self-Care on Desire and Performance
The state of an individual’s physical health plays a critical role in sexual desire and performance. Stressful jobs and long hours can lead to weight gain and discomfort in one's own skin, which in turn can lower libido. Moreover, untreated poor lifestyle choices can necessarily affect intimacy and sexual performance.
Marin emphasizes the attractivity when partners put an effort into maintaining their appearance as a gesture of commitment and desire. Neglect could significantly dampen desirability and the level of intimacy in a partnership.
Marin particularly highlights women's struggles with body self-consciousness during sex, including concerns over perceived imperfections. These anxieties can elevate following childbirth or with age and impact women's willingness to engage sexually.
Couples De-prioritize Relationships as Life Gets Busy
Couples May Fall Into Routine, Taking Their Partner For Granted and Neglecting Quality Time and Connection
Couples often slip into a comfortable "coasting mode" after the relationship's initial pursuit, which leads to neglecting elements that once forged their strong connection. As life priorities mount, relationships can slip down on the priority list, causing the spark to fade. Marin suggests that couples may neglect to carve out space for quality time and connection.
Busy Schedules and Stress Can Leave Couples Feeling More Like Roommates Than Partners
Marin acknowledges that the overwhelming nature of modern work a ...
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Factors Decreasing Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While hormonal and neurochemical shifts can affect attraction, some studies suggest that deep emotional connections and shared experiences can sustain or even increase intimacy over time.
- It's not just physical health that affects sexual desire; mental health and emotional well-being are also crucial factors.
- Focusing solely on appearance might overlook the importance of emotional and intellectual connections in maintaining long-term desirability and intimacy.
- Body self-consciousness is not exclusive to women; men also experience body image issues that can affect their sexual confidence and intimacy.
- Routine in relationships can provide stability and comfort, which some couples may prefer over the uncertainty of early relationship fervor.
- Feeling like roommates isn't inherently negative; some couples find satisfactio ...
Actionables
- You can create a "newness" jar where you and your partner write down novel date ideas or activities, drawing one to try each week to combat the routine that often sets in. This keeps the element of surprise and excitement alive, similar to the early stages of a relationship. For example, one slip might say "take a dance class together," while another could be "cook a new cuisine for dinner."
- Schedule a monthly "health and wellness" check-in with your partner to discuss and plan ways to maintain or improve your physical health, which in turn can enhance your sexual desire and performance. This could involve setting joint fitness goals, planning nutritious meals together, or even encouraging each other to get regular health check-ups.
- Initiate a "compliment exchange" with your pa ...
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Strategies For Initiating and Communicating About Sex
Vanessa Marin argues that understanding one's partner's initiation style—whether it be playful or requiring an emotional connection—is crucial for successful sexual initiation. Open, positive communication about sexual desires and scheduling intimacy can help overcome various barriers to a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Couples Should Understand Their "Initiation Styles"
Partners Prefer Spontaneous, Playful Initiation or Need Emotional Connection
Marin introduces the concept of "initiation styles," similar to love languages, where knowing the partner’s preferred style is key to successful sexual engagement. She describes "take care of me" and "play with me" as two types of initiation styles. The "take care of me" style signifies a preference for emotional connection before intimacy, while the "play with me" style indicates a preference for playful and spontaneous initiation. Understanding these styles is essential to initiating in a welcome manner and reducing the likelihood of negative responses.
Decoupling Initiation From Sex Reduces Pressure and Increases Receptiveness
Decoupling the act of initiation from the act of sex itself is suggested as a way to reduce pressure and make partners more receptive to sexual advances. By giving space between initiation and the actual act, both parties feel less pressured and more open to engagement, according to Marin. Initiating earlier in the day can allow for a partner, especially one with responsive desire, to become more physically engaged and mentally prepared for sexual activity.
Open, Positive Communication About Sex Is Key
Couples Should Discuss Sexual Needs, Desires, and Preferences With Curiosity and Collaboration
Marin emphasizes that couples need to discuss their sex life openly and positively, suggesting that talking about sexual needs and desires should be a collaborative venture approached with curiosity. She recommends starting conversations by sharing positive sexual memories and using external content as conversation starters. Building a foundation of positive communication about sexual matters can make it easier to broach topics of sexual needs and preferences.
Positive Feedback During Sex Builds Intimacy
Negative feedback during intimate moments is harmful, while positive feedback, such as giving specific compliments, can build intimacy. For example, expressing gratitude and emotions after sex helps build an emotional connection during sexual encounters. Compliments and positive affirmations during se ...
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Strategies For Initiating and Communicating About Sex
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Counterarguments
- While understanding initiation styles can be helpful, it may not account for the fluidity of sexual desire, which can change based on numerous factors like stress, health, and life changes.
- The dichotomy of preferring either spontaneous or emotionally connected initiation might be overly simplistic and not encompass the complexity of individual sexual preferences.
- Decoupling initiation from sex might not be suitable for everyone, as some individuals or couples may prefer a more integrated and spontaneous approach to sexual encounters.
- Open communication about sexual desires is important, but it can also be challenging and may require professional guidance for some couples to navigate effectively.
- Positive feedback during sex is generally beneficial, but it's important to ensure that it is genuine and not forced, as inauthentic communication can be detrimental to intimacy.
- Scheduling intimacy can be practical, but it might also lead to the perception of sex as an obligation rather than a spontaneous expression of desire, po ...
Actionables
- Create a "desire diary" to track and share your initiation preferences with your partner. Each of you can keep a small notebook or digital document where you jot down moments you felt a strong connection or desire for intimacy. Share these notes during a weekly "desire debrief" to understand each other's initiation styles better and discover patterns that may not be immediately obvious.
- Develop a "non-verbal cue card" system for initiating intimacy without pressure. Design a set of cards or tokens that represent different levels of intimacy or types of connection you and your partner are interested in. For example, one card could suggest cuddling, another could be for a deep conversation, and another for sexual intimacy. This allows for spontaneous yet clear communication of desires without the need for immediate verbal discussion.
- Organize a monthly "intimacy brainstorm session" where you and your partner cr ...
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Understanding Differences in Sexual Desires Between Partners
Experts Vanessa Marin and Shawn Ryan delve into the complexities of sexual desire and intimacy, shedding light on the various factors that influence how partners connect and experience pleasure.
Types of Sexual Desire: Spontaneous & Responsive
A crucial aspect of understanding sexual dynamics within a relationship is identifying the type of sexual desire each partner possesses.
Identifying Each Partner's Type Helps Couples Respond To Each Other's Desires
Marin discusses two main types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is when the thought of sex precedes physical arousal, a type more common in men. In contrast, responsive desire, more prevalent in women, requires physical arousal before the individual can experience mental arousal. Identifying which type each partner has can lead to a better response to each other's needs.
Partners Need Physical Stimulation for Mental Arousal
For individuals with responsive sexual desire, physical stimulation is often necessary for sexual interest to emerge. This can include massages, kissing, or other forms of touch that precede mental arousal and facilitate a desire for sex.
Addressing Misconceptions Around Female Sexual Pleasure Is Crucial
Understanding and openly discussing the nuances of female sexual pleasure can significantly enhance the sexual health of a relationship.
Intercourse Often Isn't Most Pleasurable for Many Women
Marin points out that misconceptions have led to a misguided focus on intercourse as the primary source of female pleasure. However, only a small percentage of women find this to be the most pleasurable sexual activity. The vagina, not having as many nerve endings, often does not provide the level of sensation experienced in the clitoris, which is rich with nerve endings and crucial for sexual pleasure in many women.
Open Communication and Experimentation Ensure Mutual Satisfaction
Marin emphasizes the importance of communication and experimentation. Methods to enhance pleasure, such as clitoral stimulation during intercourse, can be discussed and tried. Open dialogue about preferences, such as the duration of intercourse or the types of touch that each partner enjoys, is essential for mutual satisfaction.
Faking Orgasms, Avoiding Feedback: Common but Detri ...
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Understanding Differences in Sexual Desires Between Partners
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Actionables
- Create a "desire diary" where you and your partner can note moments of spontaneous or responsive desire to better understand each other's patterns. By tracking when and how desire manifests, you can identify trends and triggers that may help in initiating intimacy that aligns with both partners' desire types.
- Develop a "pleasure menu" with your partner, listing non-intercourse activities that each of you finds enjoyable. This can be a fun and exploratory way to diversify your sexual experiences and focus on activities that provide mutual satisfaction beyond traditional intercourse.
- Schedule a monthly "feedback ...
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Techniques to Reignite Physical and Emotional Intimacy
Physical and emotional intimacy are integral to a healthy relationship, and Vanessa Marin provides insights into reigniting these aspects in partnerships with practical advice and simple daily actions.
Rebuild Emotional Closeness With Touch, Eye Contact, and Gratitude
Frequent Hugs, Kisses, and Gestures all Day Make Partners Feel Appreciated
Marin emphasizes the importance of frequent physical affection, eye contact, and non-verbal cues as indicators of a healthy sexual relationship. She outlines the GET Intimate Technique, consisting of Gratitude, Eye Contact, and Touch, to help couples improve intimacy. Marin advises partners to touch each other throughout the day, not only when they desire sex. This can involve a brief hug or kiss without further expectation, which helps build anticipation without obligation. She recommends a 30-second hug and a six-second kiss as supported by research for instilling closeness and connection. Caresses and massages before genital touching can also prepare the ground for pleasure, showing continued appreciation and connection.
Eye Contact and Appreciation Promote Connection
Marin talks about the lack of eye contact in long-term relationships and encourages couples to make an effort to look at each other, especially when greeting or saying goodbye, to feel seen and promote connection. Eye contact during sex is also mentioned as a powerful way to create intimacy, even though it may feel excessively intimate. Embracing this vulnerability can foster a deeper emotional bond between partners.
Exploring New Sexual Activities and Positions to Reignite Intimacy
Exploring New or Favorite Sexual Activities Renews Couples’ Excitement
According to Marin, reintroducing sexual activities or positions that couples previously enjoyed can boost confidence and bring the benefits of novelty. She suggests starting with familiar things and cyclically including enjoyable practices to keep one's sex life fresh. Additionally, making out just for the sake of it can add playful affection to the relationship, and exploring different techniques or toys during sex can bring fun and excitement.
Adding Fun and Flirtation To Chores With "Choreplay"
Marin discusses "choreplay," referring to the incorporation of fun and flirtation into ordinary chores as a way to ignite intimacy. It involves being playful while performing routine tasks and not expecting ...
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Techniques to Reignite Physical and Emotional Intimacy
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Counterarguments
- While frequent physical affection is beneficial, some individuals or couples may have different love languages and might not value touch as highly, finding other forms of affection more meaningful.
- The GET Intimate Technique may not be universally effective, as different couples have unique dynamics and what works for one couple may not work for another.
- The recommendation of a 30-second hug and a six-second kiss could feel prescriptive or unnatural to some, potentially reducing spontaneity in the relationship.
- Eye contact, while powerful, can be uncomfortable for some individuals, possibly due to cultural reasons or personal preferences, and insisting on it could create tension.
- Reintroducing old sexual activities or positions assumes that past experiences were positive, which may not be the case for all couples.
- The concept of "choreplay" might be perceived as trivializing the importance of sharing household responsibilities and could be misinterpreted as suggesting a transactional approach to intimacy.
- Scheduling intimacy can be helpful, but it might also lead to a sense of obligation or ...
Actionables
- Create a "connection jar" with slips of paper detailing different types of physical affection and eye contact activities to randomly draw from each day. This can make the act of engaging in non-verbal communication and touch more spontaneous and fun. For example, one slip might say "Share a 30-second hug," while another could say "Hold eye contact for a full minute." By turning these actions into a game, you're more likely to engage in them regularly without it feeling like a chore.
- Develop a "touch map" for your partner, where each of you outlines areas you like to be touched and the types of touch you enjoy, outside of sexual contexts. This can be done through a simple drawing or a written list. It encourages exploration and communication about physical affection, ensuring that the touches throughout the day are both desired and pleasurable, thereby enhancing anticipation and connection.
- Start a "no screen Sunday" ...
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