How to Stop Feeling Guilty And Let Go Of Past Mistakes
In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty explores how to navigate guilt and move forward after making mistakes. He distinguishes between guilt, which focuses on specific actions and motivates change, and shame, which transforms a single mistake into a sweeping judgment about your character. The episode covers how to use self-compassion to take responsibility more effectively, and why treating yourself with kindness after a mistake actually leads to greater accountability.
Shetty discusses the elements of meaningful apologies, emphasizing the importance of focusing on the other person's experience rather than seeking your own relief. He addresses common pitfalls like excessive reassurance-seeking and explains why demonstrating change through consistent actions matters more than one-time gestures. The episode also covers how to live with lingering regret, offering practical strategies for moving forward even when uncomfortable feelings persist.
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1-Page Summary
Guilt vs. Shame: Mistake vs. Identity
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is crucial for personal growth and repairing relationships after making a mistake. Guilt focuses on specific actions—"I shared something I shouldn't have"—and motivates you to apologize and change. It acknowledges a regrettable behavior without defining your entire self by the mistake. Shame, on the other hand, turns a single behavior into a sweeping self-judgment like "I'm a terrible friend," which becomes too broad to fix and often results in defensiveness or withdrawal rather than accountability.
Accurately describing what happened helps distinguish facts from interpretations. Saying "I was defensive when someone gave me feedback" spotlights the choice made and leaves room for resolution. Recognizing whether the behavior is a single incident or part of a pattern helps determine whether a simple repair or more systemic change is needed.
Treating yourself with compassion after a mistake shapes your ability to make amends. Research by psychologist Ethan Cross suggests creating psychological distance by using your own name, which enables greater objectivity. Studies by Juliana Brines and Serena Chen show that self-compassion after a mistake leads to greater motivation for repair and prevents repeated errors—those who show themselves kindness actually take greater responsibility, not less.
Repairing Meaningfully and Apologizing Sincerely, Focusing On Their Experience
Jay Shetty explains how genuinely repairing harm requires focusing on the other person's experience rather than seeking your own comfort. He cites research by Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin, and Robert Lount showing that acknowledging responsibility and offering to repair the damage are the most important elements of an apology, while seeking forgiveness consistently ranks last. The recipient is measuring whether you understand the harm you caused and are prepared to address it.
Meaningful apologies require specific, actionable terms rather than vague assurances. Instead of "I'll be a better person," commit to clear behaviors like "I will inform you when I'm running late." What you do in the days, weeks, and months following the apology matters more than one-time grand gestures. Real change is demonstrated by consistent small actions over time.
Shetty warns that emphasizing your emotional distress in an apology can shift the burden back onto the person you've hurt, leaving them obliged to comfort you. If you're struggling with emotions about what happened, process those feelings with a friend or confidant, not with the person you've harmed.
Managing Reassurance-Seeking and Allowing Others Their Response
When uncertainty feels unbearable, it's tempting to repeatedly ask "Are we okay?" But this cycle offers only brief relief before new doubts emerge. Seeking a response so perfect that you'll never doubt it afterward is an impossible goal. To disrupt this pattern, identify whether you're addressing something novel or simply repeating old questions. No answer can permanently dispel your doubts, and asking repeatedly pulls both of you back to the incident.
Their healing may take longer than your self-forgiveness, but this doesn't mean your apology failed. Respecting their feelings means allowing space for their needs or boundaries, even if they're different than expected. After an apology, some awkwardness is normal—allow it to exist without reading it as a sign of lasting damage.
Embracing Life With Regret Amidst Uncomfortable Feelings
Many wait for guilt to disappear before allowing themselves to move forward, but that permission never arrives in a single, clarifying moment. Regret can persist even when nothing is left to fix. Carrying those memories without letting them control your choices is a necessary part of growth. True care for others is demonstrated not by how long you suffer, but by how your behavior changes.
Life does not pause for regret—meals still need cooking, loved ones continue to share their days. Proving your sincerity does not require continuous suffering. Activities that require your full attention help interrupt the cycle of replay and rumination. The aim is not distraction to the point of forgetting, but to practice letting other parts of life matter too.
When memories of regret return, documenting steps you've already taken and scheduling next actions provides a concrete reminder instead of reprocessing the entire situation. This gives you permission to be present between commitments. Choose small actions that reflect the person you want to be now—these acts won't erase past mistakes, but they channel regret into purposeful action.
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Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While distinguishing guilt from shame can be helpful, some psychological models argue that both emotions can motivate positive change depending on context and individual differences.
- The emphasis on self-compassion as universally beneficial may not account for cultural or personal values that prioritize accountability through self-critique or communal responsibility.
- Focusing primarily on the harmed person's experience in apologies may overlook the importance of mutual understanding and emotional exchange in some relationships.
- The recommendation to avoid seeking reassurance after apologizing may not fit all interpersonal dynamics, as some relationships benefit from ongoing dialogue and reassurance to rebuild trust.
- The idea that regret should not control choices may be challenged by perspectives that see ongoing regret as a necessary motivator for sustained ethical behavior or vigilance against repeating harm.
- The suggestion that life should continue as normal despite regret may not acknowledge the depth of impact some mistakes have, especially in cases of significant harm or trauma.
Actionables
- You can create a personal “mistake reflection card” for each incident, listing the specific action, the impact on others, and one concrete step you’ll take to repair or change; review these cards weekly to track patterns and progress without letting regret dominate your self-view.
- A practical way to avoid burdening others with your emotional processing is to set a five-minute timer to privately voice-record your feelings about the mistake, then immediately shift focus to planning a small, specific act that supports the person you harmed.
- You can use a “future self” letter: write a short note to yourself from the perspective of someone who has learned from the mistake and changed, describing how you now act differently in similar situations, and reread it when you feel stuck in guilt or rumination.
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Guilt vs. Shame: Mistake vs. Identity
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is crucial for personal growth and repairing relationships after making a mistake. These emotions feel similar in the moment, but they direct us in entirely different ways.
Guilt Connects to Behaviors, Shame Defines Entire Character
Guilt focuses on specific actions. For example, saying "I shared something I shouldn’t have shared," names a behavior and keeps the problem clear enough to address. Guilt acknowledges, "I did something I regret," without defining your entire self by the mistake. It motivates you to apologize, repair, and be more mindful in the future. If you make a joke at a friend’s expense and they later share that it was hurtful, guilt allows you to recognize you used something personal as entertainment. You can apologize and resolve to avoid making similar jokes, taking specific, actionable responsibility.
On the other hand, shame turns a single behavior into a sweeping self-judgment: "I'm a terrible friend." Shame expands beyond the moment, insisting, "I'm a terrible person," which becomes too broad and unworkable to fix. This global self-view makes it difficult to separate the mistake from your entire identity. The statement sounds severe but offers no path to repair, only a feeling of deficiency. Declaring yourself a horrible person doesn’t prove you care—it only makes it harder to be accountable. Shame often results in defensiveness, withdrawal, or even lashing out in anger, while guilt increases the odds of apology and change.
Describing Events Identifies Needs, Not Unfounded Interpretations
Accurately recounting what happened helps distinguish between facts and interpretations imposed by the mind. If you remember, "I was defensive when someone gave me feedback," you spotlight the choice made and the choice still available, leaving room for resolution. This focus on concrete actions (rather than character) protects against unfounded fears—for example, imagining everyone at the table now thinks you’re worthless, when all you know is one friend felt embarrassed.
Understanding what really happened and what impact it had is essential. Maybe you canceled plans due to genuine illness and felt guilt when your friend expressed disappointment. Their disappointment is real, but it doesn’t mean your choice was wrong. If you repeatedly show up late, however, describing the situation honestly as, "I have left people waiting more than once, and need to change how I manage time," makes it possible to decide whether a one-time apology or a larger adjustment is needed.
Recognizing whether the behavior is a single incident or part of a pattern helps determine whether a simple repair or more systemic change is appropriate.
Speak To Yourself Kindly, as You Do a Friend, to Transform Your Response to Mistakes
Treating yourself with compassion after a mistake shapes your willingness and ability to make amends. ...
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Guilt vs. Shame: Mistake vs. Identity
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Clarifications
- Guilt arises when you feel bad about a specific action that violated your values, prompting a desire to make amends. Shame involves feeling that your entire self is flawed or unworthy, leading to withdrawal or defensiveness. Psychologically, guilt is linked to empathy and constructive behavior change, while shame often triggers avoidance and negative self-evaluation. This distinction affects how people respond to mistakes and their motivation to improve.
- Guilt motivates positive change because it targets specific behaviors, making the problem clear and manageable. This focus encourages taking responsibility and finding solutions. Shame, by attacking the whole self, triggers feelings of worthlessness that overwhelm and paralyze action. As a result, shame often leads to avoidance or defensiveness rather than constructive change.
- Global self-judgment means evaluating your entire worth or identity based on one action or event. It generalizes a single mistake to a broad negative label, like "I'm a bad person." Behavior-specific judgment focuses only on the particular action, separating it from who you are as a whole. This distinction helps maintain a balanced self-view and supports constructive change.
- Using your own name when thinking about yourself creates psychological distance by shifting your perspective from a first-person emotional view to a more objective, third-person viewpoint. This distancing reduces emotional intensity, making it easier to analyze situations calmly and clearly. It helps separate your identity from your actions, allowing for more rational self-reflection and problem-solving. This technique is supported by research showing it improves emotional regulation and decision-making.
- Ethan Cross's research explores how using your own name in self-talk creates psychological distance, helping reduce emotional intensity and improve decision-making. Juliana Brines and Serena Chen study self-compassion, finding that kindness toward oneself after mistakes increases motivation to fix errors and reduces repeated failures. Their work shows self-compassion enhances accountability rather than diminishing it. These findings support treating yourself like a friend to foster growth and repair.
- Self-compassion reduces harsh self-criticism, which often triggers avoidance or defensiveness. By treating yourself kindly, you create a safe mental space to honestly assess mistakes. This openness increases willingness to take responsibility and make constructive changes. Neuroscience shows self-compassion activates brain areas linked to motivation and emotional regulation.
- Describing events factually means stating what objectively happened without adding feelings or judgments. Interpreting events emotionally involves attaching personal meaning or assumptions, which may not be accurate. Facts are observable and verifiable, while interpretations are subjective and influenced by emot ...
Counterarguments
- While guilt is generally seen as more constructive than shame, in some cases, guilt can become excessive or chronic, leading to rumination and negative mental health outcomes similar to those associated with shame.
- Shame, though often viewed negatively, can sometimes serve a social function by signaling to others that a person recognizes the seriousness of their actions, potentially facilitating group cohesion or social learning.
- The distinction between guilt and shame is not always clear-cut in real-life situations; individuals may experience a blend of both emotions, making it difficult to separate their effects or address them in isolation.
- Some cultures or communities may place a higher value on shame as a mechanism for maintaining social order and discouraging harmful behaviors, suggesting that the emotion can have adaptive functions depending on context.
- The effectiveness of self-compassion strategies, such as using one’s own name for psychological distance, may vary between individuals and may not be univers ...
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Repairing Meaningfully and Apologizing Sincerely, Focusing On Their Experience
Jay Shetty draws on research and practical insight to explain how genuinely repairing harm and apologizing focus on the other person’s experience rather than on seeking one’s own comfort or forgiveness.
Effective Apologies Prioritize Responsibility and Repair Over Forgiveness
Shetty cites a study by Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin, and Robert Lount that tested six elements of an apology, finding the most important overall is simply acknowledging responsibility. The next most crucial element is offering to repair the damage. These actions matter more in an apology than soliciting forgiveness, which consistently ranks last in importance. This does not mean forgiveness is insignificant, but rather that the part people often want most—reassurance that everything is okay—is not what makes the apology meaningful to the person hurt. The recipient of the apology is measuring whether you understand the harm you caused and are prepared to address it. This approach shifts the focus away from your desired outcome and centers it on their experience.
A key principle is keeping your apology focused on the other person’s experience. Centering your feelings or seeking immediate forgiveness risks making your emotional state the other person’s burden. Instead, acknowledge the harm, express understanding, and outline steps you’ll take to repair and prevent future harm.
Concrete, Behavior-Based Repairs Trump Grand Gestures or Lengthy Statements
Meaningful apologies are best described in specific, actionable terms. Instead of vague assurances such as "I'll be a better person," commit to clear behaviors like "I will inform you when I’m running late." This specificity allows for follow-through and real accountability. Shetty suggests mapping repair actions directly to the harm caused—correct misinformation you have spread, take on your fair share of work you left for others, or appropriately replace or restore something you’ve damaged. Grand gestures are less effective than practical, relevant actions that respect the other person’s preferences.
Shetty emphasizes that what you do in the days, weeks, and months following the apology matters significantly. Real change is demonstrated by consistent small actions rather than one-time grand gestures. For example, giving credit at future meetings, properly communicating about future commitments, or seeking support for recurring behaviors all matter, even if there is no immediate emotional reassurance or visible show of guilt. Real repair is sustainable and becomes evident over time, not just at the moment of apology.
Effective Apologies Don’t Ask Others to Manage Your Emotions While Processing Your Actions' Impact
Shetty warns that packing apologies with ...
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Repairing Meaningfully and Apologizing Sincerely, Focusing On Their Experience
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- In some cultural or interpersonal contexts, explicitly soliciting forgiveness may be an important ritual that helps both parties move forward, and its value should not be universally minimized.
- For certain individuals, expressing their emotional distress as part of an apology can demonstrate genuine remorse and vulnerability, which may be meaningful to the person harmed.
- There are situations where grand gestures, if aligned with the recipient’s values, can be powerful symbols of commitment to change and repair.
- Some people may appreciate or even expect an apology to include the apologizer’s feelings, as it can help them understand the depth of the apologizer’s regret.
- The process of apology and repair can be highly ...
Actionables
- you can keep a private apology log to track each time you apologize, noting what specific harm you acknowledged, what concrete repair you offered, and how you respected the other person’s boundaries, then review your entries weekly to spot patterns and improve future apologies
- (for example, after each apology, jot down what you said, what you did to repair, and whether you focused on the other person’s experience; over time, you’ll notice if you tend to center your own feelings or skip repair steps, and you can adjust your approach accordingly)
- a practical way to ensure your repair actions are meaningful is to ask yourself three questions before acting: does this directly address the harm, is it specific and observable, and does it respect the other person’s stated needs or boundaries
- (for example, if you broke someone’s trust by missing a deadline, instead of just saying sorry, you might offer to take on an extra task for them, check if that’s helpful, and confirm they’re comfortable with your involvement)
- you can create a personal checklist to use befor ...
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Managing Reassurance-Seeking and Allowing Others Their Response
Reassurance Seeking Prevents Progress
When uncertainty feels unbearable, it’s tempting to repeatedly ask, “Are we okay?” After one answer, you may find yourself asking, “Are you sure we’re okay?” If their message lacks its usual warmth, you might want to seek reassurance again. Each answer soothes for a moment, but soon a new detail triggers renewed doubt.
This cycle offers only brief relief; soon, your mind questions the sincerity of their forgiveness or wonders if they’ve changed their mind since yesterday. You may try rephrasing your questions, hoping that a slightly different approach will finally resolve your anxiety. But seeking a response so perfect that you will never doubt it afterward is an impossible goal. Persistently trying for this only hinders genuine healing.
To disrupt this pattern, it’s important to identify whether you are addressing something novel or simply repeating old questions. Ask yourself if you are responding to a new development—such as learning about an impact you hadn’t understood or needing to resolve a practical issue—or if you are merely seeking reassurance because the discomfort returned. If nothing new has changed, continuing the conversation risks restarting the cycle without promoting genuine progress.
Another Person Can't Be Certain About Their Feelings, and Asking Keeps Returning You Both To the Incident
Even if another person has clearly accepted your apology, your mind may question if their response was polite or if they have changed their mind since. You may not feel forgiven, even when you have been. No answer can permanently dispel your doubts; another person cannot give you permanent access to their feelings. Asking repeatedly pulls both of you back to the incident and prevents moving forward.
Perfectly undoubtable responses do not exist. Instead of questioning the person you hurt again, share your uncertainty with a trusted friend. This way, you can process your feelings without putting the burden of reassurance on the person affected by yo ...
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Managing Reassurance-Seeking and Allowing Others Their Response
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Reassurance-seeking is a behavior where a person repeatedly asks for confirmation to reduce anxiety about uncertainty. It often arises from fear of rejection, doubt about oneself, or past experiences of instability. This behavior temporarily eases distress but can create dependency and prevent emotional growth. Over time, it may strain relationships by placing continuous pressure on others for validation.
- Repeated reassurance-seeking can increase anxiety by reinforcing doubt rather than resolving it. For the person giving reassurance, it may cause frustration, emotional exhaustion, and feelings of being mistrusted. This dynamic can strain the relationship, reducing genuine emotional connection. Over time, it may create a cycle where neither party feels secure or understood.
- Feelings are complex and can change over time, so someone’s forgiveness may not feel constant or guaranteed. People may express forgiveness differently depending on their mood or circumstances. Doubt arises because internal emotions are private and can’t be fully accessed by others. Trusting forgiveness requires accepting uncertainty rather than seeking absolute proof.
- Addressing new developments means responding to fresh information or changes that affect the situation. Repeating old questions involves asking the same doubts without new facts, which keeps the issue unresolved. New developments can lead to solutions, while repeated questions often cause a cycle of anxiety. Recognizing this helps focus on progress rather than getting stuck.
- Another person’s feelings are complex and can change over time due to new experiences or reflections. People may not fully understand or be able to articulate their emotions at all times. Communication is limited by language and personal perspective, so feelings cannot be perfectly or permanently conveyed. This inherent uncertainty means reassurance can never be absolute or lasting.
- Feeling unforgiven despite an apology often stems from internal doubts and fears rather than the other person's actual feelings. Emotional wounds can create a sense of insecurity that makes it hard to trust forgiveness is genuine or lasting. This can cause a person to replay the incident mentally, seeking reassurance that may never fully satisfy their anxiety. Healing requires self-compassion and time to rebuild trust within oneself, not just from others.
- Respecting another person's healing timeline means understanding that emotional recovery varies for each individual and cannot be rushed. Boundaries are personal limits they set to feel safe and respected during this process. Ignoring these boundaries can cause further harm or delay healing. ...
Counterarguments
- In some cases, reassurance-seeking can be a valid and necessary part of rebuilding trust, especially if the hurt party’s behavior is inconsistent or ambiguous.
- For individuals with certain anxiety disorders or attachment styles, reassurance-seeking may be a coping mechanism that requires compassion and understanding rather than strict avoidance.
- The expectation that one should process all uncertainty with a third party may not be feasible for everyone, especially if privacy or cultural norms discourage sharing personal issues outside the relationship.
- Occasional reassurance-seeking, when done respectfully and with self-awareness, can foster open communication and emotional intimacy rather than hinder healing.
- The idea that awkwardness after an apology ...
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Embracing Life With Regret Amidst Uncomfortable Feelings
Life after a mistake often feels like waiting out a self-imposed sentence: How many nights must you lose sleep before you’re allowed to feel better? Is there a quota of rumination or a level of guilt so deep that you finally earn permission to move forward? Most people never establish what that punishment is supposed to accomplish—or when it’s finished. Instead, lingering regret becomes a trap, and moving on can seem almost like a betrayal of remorse. But living well in the aftermath of regret isn't about outlasting your guilt; it’s about learning to move forward alongside it.
Waiting for Guilt to Vanish Traps You In Rumination Instead of Allowing Life to Continue
Many wait for a turning point: for guilt to disappear, relationships to return to normal, or painful memories to stop stinging—believing only then are they entitled to move on. But often, that permission never arrives in a single, clarifying moment. Emotions do not always change in step with new actions. You might apologize, make genuine repairs, and still feel a pang of regret whenever you remember what happened. That feeling doesn’t always signal an unfinished task; sometimes, it just means you wish you’d chosen differently. Regret can persist even when nothing is left to fix.
Carrying those memories without letting them control your choices is a necessary part of growth. True care for others is demonstrated not by how long you suffer, but by how your behavior changes. Clinging to the pain neither prepares you for better choices nor repairs what went wrong. Regret’s energy can become part of how you live now, even if the wish to rewrite the past remains.
Balancing Duties and Relationships Prevents a Mistake From Taking Over Your Life
Life does not pause for regret—meals still need cooking, emails require attention, the dog waits for its walk, and loved ones continue to share their days. Painful memories may intrude during these moments, but they need not dominate. Proving your sincerity does not require continuous suffering. Instead, giving your attention to other parts of your life helps interrupt the cycle of replay and rumination.
Activities that require your full attention—cooking a complicated recipe, calling a friend, finishing a task at work—pull focus away from the mistake. The aim is not distraction to the point of forgetting, but to practice letting other parts of life matter too. At first, the memory might resurface frequently, but each time it does, choose to return your attention to the present. Allow yourself to experience joy and presence, even if consequences and accountability remain. Enjoyment does not erase what happened; it simply means you are living fully in all aspects of your life.
Not every reflection on your mistake brings new insight. Sometimes, repeated rumination only deepens suffering and does nothing productive. When the memory resurfaces, it’s useful to ask: Is there a new action to take? If not, gently return your focus to what you are doing. Today still contains choices and chances to behave re ...
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Embracing Life With Regret Amidst Uncomfortable Feelings
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- "Living forward alongside guilt" means accepting guilt as part of your experience without letting it stop your progress. Instead of waiting for guilt to disappear completely, you acknowledge it while continuing to make positive choices. This approach views guilt as a companion, not a barrier, to growth. It encourages action and healing despite ongoing uncomfortable feelings.
- Rumination is the repetitive and passive focus on negative thoughts or feelings, often about past mistakes or problems. It differs from problem-solving because it does not lead to action or resolution. This mental habit can increase stress, anxiety, and depression by keeping the mind stuck in a loop of distress. Breaking rumination involves redirecting attention to present activities or constructive solutions.
- Regret often involves emotional responses tied to personal values and identity, not just external outcomes. Even after making amends, internal feelings of guilt or sorrow may linger because the event conflicts with how one wants to see oneself. This persistence reflects the complexity of human emotions, which do not always resolve with actions alone. Accepting this helps in learning to live with regret without being controlled by it.
- Regret’s energy can be integrated by acknowledging the feeling without letting it dictate your actions. Use regret as a motivator for positive change rather than a source of constant self-punishment. Balance reflection with engagement in meaningful activities to prevent overwhelm. This approach transforms regret into a constructive part of personal growth.
- Productive reflection involves thoughtfully considering a mistake to learn and identify actionable steps for improvement. Harmful rumination is repetitive, negative thinking that focuses on distress without leading to solutions. Reflection is time-limited and purposeful, while rumination is persistent and unproductive. Recognizing this difference helps prevent emotional stagnation and promotes growth.
- Documenting repair steps creates a clear record of your efforts, preventing repeated second-guessing about what you’ve done. Scheduling follow-ups sets specific times to address unresolved issues, reducing ongoing mental uncertainty. This structure helps shift focus from worry to action, fostering a sense of control and progress. It also signals commitment to change, reinforcing self-trust and reducing guilt-driven rumination.
- Continuous suffering is often mistaken as a measure of genuine remorse, but true sincerity is shown through consistent, positive changes in behavior. Enduring pain indefinitely can hinder healing and prevent constructive actions. Remorse is better demonstrated by accountability and efforts to make amends than by prolonged self-punishment. This approach fosters growth and health ...
Actionables
- You can create a daily “regret energy log” where you jot down moments when regret surfaces, then immediately list one small, meaningful action you can take that day to channel that energy into something positive, like helping someone, learning a new skill, or improving a routine.
- A practical way to keep regret from dominating your day is to set a recurring timer on your phone that prompts you to pause, notice if you’re ruminating, and then intentionally shift your attention to a current task or sensory experience, such as describing out loud what you see, hear, or feel in the moment.
- You can design a personal “growth token” system by choosing a small object ( ...
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