Dr. Gabor Maté: Constantly Worrying What People Think of You? (THIS Simple Shift Will Help You Trust Yourself and Stop Seeking Approval)

Gabor Maté and Jay Shetty discuss why people seek external validation and how it shapes self-acceptance, tracing its roots to early childhood experiences and exploring its lifelong effects.

Innate Human Need For Validation

Maté explains that the need for validation is as fundamental to human development as the need for food, nurture, or physical touch. Children have an essential need to be seen and understood for who they truly are. If parents, often due to their own limitations, fail to recognize the child's essence, the child turns to others’ perceptions to understand themselves. Borrowing from psychiatrist Bruce Perry’s theory that we are “born for love,” Maté emphasizes that love is not just about affection, but also about being truly seen. When parents don’t see their children for who they are, children will instinctively seek to be seen in a positive way, often at the cost of hiding parts of themselves or exaggerating others. They create an image tailored to please their caregivers rather than expressing their true selves. According to Maté, this early dynamic means that, instead of learning self-acceptance, children become concerned with how others perceive them. If parents had seen their children authentically, children would naturally accept themselves and feel less preoccupied with external opinions.

Desire For Acceptance Can Lead To Abandoning Authenticity

This childhood pattern—prioritizing others’ perceptions over authenticity—persists into adulthood. Maté notes that when a child’s value within the family is conditional on obedience or the suppression of their true self, they learn to adapt by molding themselves to fit expectations. They forget how to advocate for their own needs, even neglecting the ability to say no as a form of self-protection. This adaptation, which begins as a survival strategy, turns into a fundamental sense of internal conflict.

As adults, this pattern manifests as chronic worry about being judged and a tendency to act in ways that fit external expectations. Jay Shetty and Maté discuss how this preoccupation with others' judgment can block life opportunities and self-growth. Maté observes that, for many, a turning point comes—often in the form of a “midlife ...

Gabor Maté and Jay Shetty explore how failing to set personal boundaries and falling into patterns of people-pleasing has deep consequences for emotional well-being, physical health, and a sense of self-authenticity.

Not Setting Boundaries Can Cause Stress, Burnout, and Health Issues

Gabor Maté describes the physiological impacts of chronic stress that result from always accommodating others’ needs without setting boundaries. The body’s stress response, intended to help manage short-term challenges, becomes damaging when activated constantly. High levels of stress hormones over time can weaken the immune system, worsen the health of the adrenal gland, cause intestinal ulcers, and contribute to high blood pressure, increased risk of strokes and heart disease, osteoporosis, autoimmune disease, depression, and cancer. Maté emphasizes that these health consequences often arise because individuals internalize societal values that equate self-worth with productivity and external achievement, rather than inherent worth.

Maté explains that if individuals do not set verbal or emotional boundaries—especially the ability to say "no"—their body may ultimately "say no" for them in the form of illness. He reflects on personal experience, recalling the guilt and anxiety he felt about resting or taking vacations as a family doctor, believing that his value was tied to constant productivity. Jay Shetty agrees, noting that many people feel guilty about taking breaks, and in places like the United States, a large percentage of people do not take full advantage of their annual leave due to this internalized belief that rest is undeserved unless one is perpetually productive.

Guilt or Shame For Taking Breaks Due To Productivity Tied Value

Shetty and Maté highlight how pervasive the feeling of guilt or shame is when taking breaks. This belief—that one's value is directly tied to being busy, to external approval, or to achieving specific milestones—results in many not using vacation time and feeling ill-at-ease during periods of rest. Maté explains that this dynamic comes from a lack of self-valuation just for being, and the confusion between self-worth and constant activity. For many, this originates in families where saying no was suppressed, considered disrespectful, or resulted in punishment, training individuals to conflate acceptance with acquiescence.

Recognizing Unmet Needs Is Key to Authenticity

Maté urges listeners to identify where in life they are not saying "no"—to ask themselves which boundaries they are failing to set out of fear that others will be disappointed, angry, or think less of them. He suggests noticing when a "no" wants to be voiced but is suppressed. These situations commonly occur both in personal relationships and at work. Maté proposes a simple self-inquiry: "Where this week did I not say no? Where today did I not say no?" Listening to that quiet inner voice—the "small still voice"—is essential, as the pressure to remain constantly busy can easily drown out one's authenti ...

Gabor Maté and Jay Shetty discuss actionable ways to cultivate self-compassion and connect more deeply with one’s authentic self. Their conversation offers guidance on recognizing core values and interrupting cycles of self-criticism.

Reconnecting With Core Values By Asking "What Is True for Me?"

Gabor Maté emphasizes the importance of regularly asking oneself, “What is true for me?” as a way to rediscover and stay attuned to personal instincts and core values. He encourages persistent self-inquiry, suggesting that one should ask this question throughout life to maintain a connection to their true self. Maté expands on this with related questions: “Where am I not saying yes?” and “Where am I not saying no?” He explains that the areas where we struggle to assert boundaries or express desires often reveal where we are disconnected from our authentic selves.

Maté advises noticing situations where gut feelings are ignored, not to judge oneself harshly for it, but rather to observe and understand the underlying beliefs driving that disconnection. This reflective process, he says, supports a practice of consistently “showing up” for oneself.

Essential Self-Compassion to Overcome Self-Criticism

Maté observes that society often programs individuals to equate their worth with productivity or achievement: people believe they are “only as valuable as what [they] do.” Using a powerful analogy, he asks if anyone would consider a one-day-old baby, who can do nothing, as “not enough.” The obvious response—of course not—challenges listeners to question why they withhold that same inherent value from themselves. Maté underlines the prevalence of self-criticism rooted in this mindset.

Instead of self-judgment, Maté promotes recognizing a lack of self-compassion without condemnation and cultivating the practice of treating oneself with the kindness extended to others. He references "Compassionate Inquiry," his therapeutic method that is founded on the belief that "there's nothing wrong with anybody to start with." He explains that disconnection from gut feelings or authentic expression typically begins as an adaptation to fulfill needs for acceptance or s ...