Maya Shankar: Does Change Make You Feel Lost Or Uncertain? (Use THIS Framework To Find Direction Again and Use Change to Upgrade Your Life!)
In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Maya Shankar explores the psychological and emotional effects of unexpected life changes. Through personal experiences like a career-ending injury and miscarriage, she examines how sudden changes can disrupt our sense of identity and emotional well-being, noting that people often find uncertainty more stressful than negative certainty.
Shankar and other contributors discuss practical strategies for managing change, from taking improv classes to practicing self-affirmation exercises. The conversation covers the importance of defining self-worth through intrinsic values rather than external factors, and demonstrates how challenging life changes can lead to personal transformation. Examples from various individuals, including a Harvard-trained lawyer affected by long COVID, illustrate how unexpected changes can prompt valuable reassessment of life's meaning.
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1-Page Summary
The Psychology and Emotional Impact of Unexpected Change
Maya Shankar explores how unexpected changes can profoundly impact our sense of self and emotional well-being. She discusses how the illusion of control over our lives can be shattered by sudden changes, noting that people often find uncertainty more stressful than negative certainty. Through personal experiences, including a career-ending violin injury and the loss of expected motherhood through miscarriage, Shankar illustrates how losing something central to our identity can trigger deep emotional distress.
Strategies For Coping With and Embracing Change
The podcast presents several practical approaches to managing change. Michael Lewis suggests taking improv comedy classes to challenge ourselves and build resilience. Maya and her husband demonstrate the value of self-affirmation exercises, which help contextualize change by focusing on unthreatened aspects of life. These strategies, along with gratitude practices, can help individuals navigate periods of transformation while maintaining emotional balance.
Defining Identity and Self-Worth on Intrinsic Values
Shankar warns against tying self-worth exclusively to external factors like job roles or accomplishments, as this leaves individuals vulnerable when circumstances change. She shares her experience of losing her violin career, which taught her the importance of anchoring identity to core values rather than specific roles. Through examples like Scott, a Harvard-trained lawyer affected by long COVID, Shankar illustrates how unexpected changes can prompt valuable reassessment of beliefs and assumptions about what makes life meaningful.
How Change Leads To Transformation and Growth
The podcast explores how challenging life changes can ultimately lead to positive transformation. Shankar reflects on her own journey, noting how she found greater joy and curiosity after adjusting to life without children. Chris Hemsworth's approach of deliberately seeking out uncomfortable situations is highlighted as a way to build resilience. The discussion emphasizes how learning new skills and remaining adaptable can help maintain cognitive flexibility and better prepare individuals for future challenges.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While unexpected changes can impact emotional well-being, some individuals may thrive on change and find routine more distressing.
- The concept of control may not be an illusion for everyone; some people may have or develop effective strategies for exerting control over their environment and circumstances.
- Some individuals might find negative certainty more stressful than uncertainty, as the latter can hold possibilities for positive outcomes.
- Not everyone experiences deep emotional distress when losing something central to their identity; some may quickly adapt or find relief in the change.
- Improv comedy classes may not be suitable for everyone, and other methods of building resilience might be more effective for different individuals.
- Self-affirmation exercises might not be helpful for everyone, and some may find them to be less effective than other coping strategies.
- Gratitude practices might not assist everyone in navigating periods of transformation, as some individuals may not respond to such practices in the same way.
- Some people may successfully integrate their job roles and accomplishments into their self-worth without experiencing vulnerability during changes.
- Anchoring identity to intrinsic values is not always more stable; some individuals may find meaning and stability in their roles and achievements.
- Not all unexpected changes lead to a reassessment of beliefs and assumptions; some people may resist change and maintain their existing views.
- Positive transformation and growth are not guaranteed outcomes of challenging life changes; some individuals may experience long-term negative effects.
- Deliberately seeking out uncomfortable situations may not build resilience for everyone; it could lead to increased stress or trauma for some.
- Learning new skills and remaining adaptable may not be possible or desirable for everyone, depending on their life circumstances or personal preferences.
- Cognitive flexibility does not always prepare individuals for future challenges; some situations may require specialized knowledge or skills that flexibility alone cannot provide.
Actionables
- You can create a "Change Readiness" journal where you reflect on past changes and how you adapted to them. This practice encourages you to recognize your own resilience and identify patterns in your coping strategies. For example, you might write about a time you moved to a new city and how you established a new routine that made you feel at home.
- Develop a "Values Map" by listing your core values and how your daily activities align with them. This helps you anchor your identity in your values rather than external roles. For instance, if one of your core values is creativity, you might map out how you incorporate creative thinking in problem-solving at work or in hobbies like gardening or cooking.
- Start a "Comfort Zone Expansion" challenge where each week, you intentionally engage in an activity that feels slightly uncomfortable. This could be as simple as striking up a conversation with a stranger or trying a new food. The goal is to gradually increase your tolerance for discomfort, thereby building resilience to change.
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The Psychology and Emotional Impact of Unexpected Change
Imposed Change Can Threaten Self-Identity
One of the most profound reasons individuals find change daunting is its potential to jeopardize self-identity. Maya Shankar talks about her dislike for unexpected changes and the sensation of being out of control. She once believed in a just world where actions had predictable outcomes, but the realization that reality operates differently causes her stress.
Unexpected Changes Can Shatter Our Beliefs About the World's Workings and Our Place in It
Shankar highlights a study that illustrates how uncertainty stresses people more than certainty, even if the latter involves an unpleasant certainty like a guaranteed electric shock. This research suggests that we are more comfortable with negative outcomes when they are predictable than with the ambiguity of not knowing what to expect. The challenge, according to Shankar, lies in reconciling the limits of our control in a world that often defies our expectations, allowing us to escape feelings of nihilism.
When faced with abrupt, unforeseen changes, the illusion of control we've clung to is often shattered, catapulting us into a period of emotional turmoil.
Identity Loss Grief: A Natural Response to Change
Losing Something Central to Our Identity Can Feel Like Losing Ourselves, Causing Deep Distress
Shankar shares how her grief felt palpable when an injury ended her ability to play violin, which had been integral to her identity. This loss triggered a profound sense of sorrow and a feeling of lost self-worth.
Shankar also speaks candidly about the emotional distress caused by ...
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The Psychology and Emotional Impact of Unexpected Change
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Clarifications
- Maya Shankar is a cognitive scientist and former White House advisor known for applying behavioral science to public policy. Her expertise lies in understanding human decision-making and emotional responses to change. She gained recognition for her work on how people cope with uncertainty and loss. Her perspective is significant because it combines scientific research with personal experience.
- The study referenced is likely based on research in psychology and neuroscience examining how people respond to uncertainty versus predictable negative outcomes. Participants were exposed to either a certain unpleasant stimulus (like a guaranteed electric shock) or an uncertain one (where the shock might or might not occur). Results showed that the anxiety and stress caused by uncertainty were greater than those caused by the known negative event. This highlights humans' preference for predictability, even if the outcome is adverse, because uncertainty disrupts our sense of control.
- The "just world" belief is the idea that people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. Psychologically, it helps individuals feel safe and in control by assuming fairness in life. When this belief is challenged by unexpected events, it can cause distress and cognitive dissonance. This disruption forces people to reassess their understanding of justice and control in the world.
- Nihilism is the belief that life lacks meaning, purpose, or value. In this context, it refers to feelings of hopelessness when control and predictability are lost. People may feel that nothing matters if their expectations about the world are shattered. Overcoming nihilism involves accepting uncertainty and finding new ways to create meaning.
- The psychological process of reconciling limits of control involves accepting that some events are beyond personal influence. This acceptance reduces anxiety by shifting focus from trying to control the uncontrollable to managing one's reactions. It often requires cognitive reframing, where individuals change their perspective on uncertainty and unpredictability. Over time, this fosters resilience and emotional stability despite external chaos.
- Identity loss grief specifically refers to the sorrow experienced when a core aspect of one's self-concept or role is lost or changed. Unlike general grief, which often relates to the death of a person or loss of an external object, identity loss grief impacts how individuals see and value ...
Counterarguments
- While unexpected changes can threaten self-identity, some individuals may find that change provides an opportunity for growth and the development of a more resilient and adaptable sense of self.
- The stress from uncertainty can be mitigated by individuals who have a high tolerance for ambiguity or who practice mindfulness and acceptance, suggesting that the impact of uncertainty is not universally distressing.
- Some people may find comfort in the unpredictability of life, viewing it as a source of excitement and novelty rather than a cause for stress.
- The concept of control is multifaceted, and some individuals may not experience a shattered illusion of control during abrupt changes, as they may never have strongly adhered to such an illusion in the first place.
- Grief and distress following the loss of a central aspect of one's identity can vary widely among individuals, with some experiencing less intense reactions or finding healthy coping mechanisms more quickly.
- The emoti ...
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Strategies For Coping With and Embracing Change
Embracing change is essential for personal growth and resilience. Various strategies, including taking an improv comedy class, self-affirmation exercises, and focusing on gratitude, can help individuals cope with and embrace change.
Cultivating Flexibility and Embracing Change Builds Resilience
End-of-history Illusion Obscures Future Growth Despite Transformative Life Events
Understanding the brain’s end-of-history illusion is key in recognizing our potential for growth. The illusion refers to the tendency of people to see significant change in the past but falsely believe they will not change much in the future. This mindset can cause us to underestimate our own capacity for evolution, especially after transformative life events. Michael Lewis suggests taking an improv comedy class to challenge this illusion, get off balance, and step out of comfort zones. Improv exercises can awaken dormant abilities and demonstrate personal resilience.
Self-Affirmation Exercises Reduce Anxiety and Contextualize Change
Self-affirmation exercises, as demonstrated by Maya and her husband Jimmy, involve articulating things that bring value to life beyond stressful changes. These exercises focus on unthreatened life aspects during times of upheaval. For example, during challenging periods in a relationship, one might concentrate on spiritual life or turn to their community when facing work difficulties. Such practices help to contextualize the situation, diminish denial, and facilitate the acceptance of change, ultimately leading to increased resilience and reduced ...
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Strategies For Coping With and Embracing Change
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- The end-of-history illusion is a cognitive bias where people believe they have changed significantly up to the present but will change little in the future. This illusion leads to underestimating future personal growth and development. Psychologically, it can cause resistance to change and limit openness to new experiences. Recognizing this bias helps individuals remain adaptable and open to ongoing self-improvement.
- Taking an improv comedy class forces participants to think quickly and adapt to unexpected situations, breaking habitual thought patterns. This unpredictability disrupts the brain’s tendency to assume stability in the future, countering the end-of-history illusion. It encourages embracing uncertainty and personal growth by pushing comfort zone boundaries. The experience reveals that change is ongoing and that one can develop new skills and perspectives.
- Self-affirmation exercises work by reinforcing a person's core values and sense of self-worth, which helps buffer against threats to their identity. This process reduces the perceived severity of stressful events, lowering anxiety levels. It also promotes a broader perspective, allowing individuals to see challenges as less overwhelming. Consequently, people feel more secure and capable of coping with change.
- "Unthreatened life aspects" are parts of a person's life that remain stable and positive despite external stress or change. Examples include close friendships, hobbies, personal values, or spiritual beliefs that provide comfort and continuity. Focusing on these areas helps maintain a sense of identity and control during upheaval. This focus reduces anxiety by highlighting what is still secure and meaningful.
- Articulating values beyond stressful changes shifts focus from the immediate problem to stable, meaningful aspects of life. This broadens perspective, reducing emotional overwhelm and defensive denial. It reinforces a sense of identity and continuity despite change. Acceptance grows as individuals recognize that their core values remain intact.
- Focusing on spiritual life or community support provides a stable foundation during specific challenges by offering meaning and connection beyond the immediate problem. Spiritual practices can foster inner peace and perspective, reducing stress and anxiety. Community support offers emotional encouragement, practical help, and a sense of belonging, which buffers against feelings of is ...
Counterarguments
- While improv comedy classes can be beneficial for some, they may not be suitable for everyone, especially those with severe social anxiety or other psychological barriers that make such activities overwhelming rather than helpful.
- The end-of-history illusion might not always be a negative trait; in some cases, it could provide a sense of stability and contentment with one's current state, which can be beneficial for mental health.
- Self-affirmation exercises might not be effective for everyone, as some individuals may find them to be repetitive or insincere, which could lead to increased frustration rather than reduced anxiety.
- The strategy of focusing on unthreatened aspects of life during stressful changes could potentially lead to avoidance behaviors, where individuals ignore pressing issues that need to be addressed.
- The emphasis on individual coping strategies may overlook the importance of systemic support and changes that can facilitate or hinder personal growth and resilience.
- The idea that focusi ...
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Defining Identity and Self-Worth on Intrinsic Values
Maya Shankar discusses how contingent self-esteem—tying self-worth to roles, accomplishments, or possessions—can lead to vulnerability when life changes, and how anchoring identity to core values and passions can foster a more durable sense of self.
Tying Self-Worth to Roles, Accomplishments, or Possessions Leaves Us Vulnerable When They Change
Shankar points out that individuals who define their identity based on external factors like job roles may feel a profound loss when those aspects change. An example is given of a woman nearing her 40th birthday who lost her job unexpectedly, leading her to question her life's direction, as she felt she had nothing to celebrate without the expected promotion.
Anchoring Identity to Core Values and Passions for a More Secure Self
Shankar emphasizes the importance of having a secure self-identity that is anchored not just to 'what' one does but 'why' one does it. She shares her personal experience of losing the violin, explaining how it made her realize that much of her confidence and sense of belonging was tied to it. Once the violin was no longer part of her life, she learned the importance of finding an underlying feature of her identity that couldn't be taken away, which led her to encourage others to anchor their identity to their core values and passions.
Unexpected Change Reveals, Prompting Us to Question Beliefs and Assumptions
Life's unpredictable nature often compels us to reassess our foundational beliefs and values.
Challenging Ingrained Beliefs About a Meaningful Life Fosters Growth and Authenticity
An illustration of how unexpected change can be a catalyst for self-discovery is the story of Scott, a Harvard-trained lawyer incapacitated by long COVID. The adversity Scott faced led him to reassess his "why" and how he could continue to fulfill it within his condition's cons ...
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Defining Identity and Self-Worth on Intrinsic Values
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Counterarguments
- While anchoring identity to core values and passions is beneficial, it can also be argued that external achievements and roles are a natural and healthy part of one's identity and can contribute positively to self-esteem.
- The idea that contingent self-esteem is inherently vulnerable may overlook the fact that resilience can be built through facing and overcoming changes in external circumstances.
- The emphasis on intrinsic values might not fully acknowledge the complex interplay between external factors and internal values in shaping a person's identity and sense of self-worth.
- The notion that understanding the "why" behind actions is more important than the "what" could be challenged by the perspective that both the purpose and the actions themselves are equally important in defining identity.
- The text suggests that change is necessary to prompt individuals to reassess their beliefs, but it could be argued that continuous self-reflection and critical thinking can occur without the need for significant life changes.
- The idea that societal and cultural expectations are often outdated and limiting may not consider that these expectations can also provide a sense of belonging, ...
Actionables
- You can create a "values inventory" by listing your top 5 core values and reflecting on how your daily activities align with them. Start by writing down values that resonate with you, such as integrity, compassion, or creativity. Each week, review your actions and decisions to see if they reflect these values. This practice helps solidify your identity around what truly matters to you, rather than external achievements.
- Develop a "change journal" to document your thoughts and feelings during periods of change. Use this journal to write about the changes you're experiencing, how they affect your sense of self, and what new insights or beliefs about life and identity they bring. This can be a powerful tool for recognizing and challenging self-limiting beliefs, fostering personal growth, and enhancing self-awareness.
- Engage in a "role-play experiment" where you imagine losing a specific e ...
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How Change Leads To Transformation and Growth
Maya Shankar discusses how personal challenges and life changes can result in growth, transformation, and a more peaceful relationship with the concept of change.
Life Changes Foster Renewed Confidence and Perspectives
Grateful for Internal Transformation Despite Difficult Experiences
Maya Shankar implies growth and change when she speaks about developing a "slightly more peaceful relationship" with change after a life-altering injury. Scott, another individual Shankar mentions, found new purpose in advocating for the long hauler community, which gave him renewed identity and confidence. Despite initial difficulty in facing a book tour, Shankar transformed the situation into joy, changed her perspective, and became grateful for the shift in her dream.
Maya shares a personal reflection on not having children; three years down the line, she finds herself happier, more joyful, curious, and hopeful than ever before. She expresses gratitude for what happened despite her dream being cut short, illustrating how challenging experiences can lead to internal transformations.
Embrace Discomfort and Uncertainty to Build Resilience Through Challenges
While not explicitly stated, the theme of building resilience is evident in the conversation. For example, Chris Hemsworth embraces discomfort, believing it to be a vehicle for growth. Hemsworth aims to continually place himself in uncertain and uncomfortable situations, viewing it as beneficial for personal growth and resilience.
Seeking New Skills and Experiences Accelerates Adaptability to Change
As Scott adapted to his new life, he found ways to apply his advocacy skills to various domains such as legislation and working with drug manufacturers, demonstrating adaptability. Changemakers like Shankar and Hemsworth understand that big changes can accelerate internal tr ...
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How Change Leads To Transformation and Growth
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Counterarguments
- While personal challenges often lead to growth, it's not a universal outcome; some individuals may experience setbacks or prolonged difficulty without apparent transformation.
- The idea that difficult experiences always lead to renewed confidence and new perspectives can overlook the complexities of trauma and the fact that some individuals may struggle to find positive outcomes from their hardships.
- The notion of reframing difficult situations into gratitude and joy might not be feasible for everyone, especially in cases of severe loss or trauma where the path to healing is not straightforward.
- Embracing discomfort and uncertainty as a means to build resilience might not be suitable for all individuals, particularly those with certain mental health conditions for whom uncertainty can exacerbate their symptoms.
- The concept of continually placing oneself in uncertain and uncomfortable situations may not acknowledge the importance of stability and security for some people's well-being and mental health.
- The idea that seeking new skills and experiences always enhances adaptability might not consider individual differences in learning styles, cognitive abilities, and personal interests.
- The assumption that applying advocacy and other skills across different domains is a straightforward process may not take into account the barriers some individuals face, such as systemic discrimination or lack of resources.
- The belief that big changes inevitably lead to internal transformations and new values may not recognize that some individuals may resist change or feel overwhelmed by it, potentially leading to stagnation or regression.
- The empowerment derived from understanding that change leads to growth may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may feel disempowered by change, especially when it is imposed upon them.
- Being introspective during times of change is b ...
Actionables
- Start a "Discomfort Diary" to track and reflect on daily challenges. Use a simple notebook or digital app to jot down any uncomfortable situations you encounter each day. Reflect on how you felt, what you learned, and how you might handle a similar situation in the future. This practice can help you become more aware of your growth through discomfort and can serve as a reminder of your resilience.
- Create a "Skill of the Month" club with friends or family. Each month, pick a new skill to learn together, such as cooking a new cuisine, learning a few phrases in a new language, or trying out a craft. This shared experience not only builds your cognitive reserves but also strengthens social bonds and provides a support system for embracing new challenges.
- Volunteer for roles or tasks outside your comfort zone. I ...
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