The REAL Reason You Feel Behind (It’s Not What You Think!) Use THIS Simple Reset to Make Confident Decisions
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty examines why people often feel they're falling behind in life. He explores how social media comparisons and outdated societal expectations about life milestones create unrealistic standards, leading to stress and feelings of inadequacy. He also presents research showing that many important life developments—from career clarity to emotional maturity—typically happen later than commonly assumed.
Shetty offers practical strategies for developing a healthier perspective on personal progress. These include focusing on comparing yourself only to your past self, viewing your journey as layered rather than late, and recognizing the value of steady progress over quick achievements. The episode demonstrates how current circumstances can serve as preparation for future opportunities, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging internal growth even when external results aren't visible.
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1-Page Summary
Reasons why People Feel "Behind" In Life
In this enlightening episode, Jay Shetty explores why many people feel they're falling behind in life, identifying several key factors that contribute to this common sensation.
Social Media and Societal Pressures
Shetty explains how social media's "highlight bias" leads people to compare their complete life experiences to others' carefully curated highlights. This comparison, combined with outdated societal timelines from the 1950s that prescribe specific ages for life milestones, creates unrealistic expectations. He notes that the resulting gap between expectations and reality often triggers stress and feelings of inadequacy, even when making reasonable progress.
Success Often Comes Later Than Expected
Challenging traditional beliefs about early success, Shetty shares research showing that important life developments often occur later than commonly assumed. Career clarity typically emerges in the mid-30s, financial stability in the 40s, and peak emotional maturity between 45-55. He points to numerous "late bloomers" who achieved significant success well into adulthood, including Vera Wang starting her design career at 40 and Ray Kroc franchising McDonald's at 52.
Frameworks for Embracing Your Timeline
Shetty offers practical approaches for developing a healthier relationship with personal progress. He advocates for comparing yourself only to your past self, not others, and reframing your timeline as layered rather than late. He emphasizes the importance of steady, consistent progress over quick bursts of achievement, and encourages viewing current circumstances as preparation for future opportunities rather than focusing on feeling behind. Shetty particularly stresses the value of celebrating internal growth, even when external results aren't yet visible.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Social media's "highlight bias" means people mostly share their best moments, not everyday struggles. This creates a distorted view that others' lives are perfect and constantly successful. When comparing themselves to these highlights, individuals may feel inadequate or behind. This bias ignores the normal ups and downs everyone experiences.
- In the 1950s, societal timelines were shaped by post-war economic growth and traditional family roles, setting fixed ages for milestones like marriage, career start, and homeownership. These timelines assumed a linear life path with early adulthood achievements as the norm. They originated from cultural expectations emphasizing stability and conformity in a rapidly modernizing society. Today, these rigid timelines no longer reflect diverse life choices and longer life spans.
- "Career clarity" refers to having a clear understanding of one's professional goals, interests, and the path to achieve them. It is recognized when a person feels confident about their chosen career direction and the steps needed to progress. This clarity often comes from self-reflection, experience, and gaining knowledge about different career options. It can be measured by how decisively someone can articulate their career objectives and make aligned decisions.
- The ages mentioned reflect average developmental milestones based on psychological and sociological research. Career clarity in the mid-30s often results from accumulated experience and self-awareness. Financial stability in the 40s typically aligns with peak earning years and long-term planning. Emotional maturity between 45-55 is linked to life experience and improved emotional regulation.
- Vera Wang is a famous fashion designer who began her career in design at age 40, illustrating that success can start later in life. Ray Kroc was a businessman who expanded McDonald's into a global franchise at age 52, showing significant achievement beyond typical early career years. Their stories challenge the idea that success must happen early, supporting the concept of "late bloomers." These examples inspire people to embrace their own unique timelines for success.
- Viewing personal timelines as "layered rather than late" means recognizing that life progress happens in multiple, overlapping stages instead of a single, linear path. Each layer represents different areas of growth, such as career, relationships, or personal development, which unfold at their own pace. This perspective helps reduce pressure by valuing diverse experiences rather than comparing to a fixed schedule. It encourages embracing complexity and timing unique to each individual.
- Internal growth refers to changes in mindset, skills, resilience, and self-awareness that are not immediately visible to others. External results are tangible achievements like promotions, awards, or financial gains. Celebrating internal growth builds confidence and motivation, reinforcing positive habits that lead to future success. Focusing on internal progress helps maintain patience and reduces discouragement when external outcomes are delayed.
Counterarguments
- While social media can contribute to feelings of inadequacy, it's also a tool for connection and inspiration when used mindfully and with intention.
- Societal timelines may be outdated, but they can also provide a rough guideline for individuals who seek structure and traditional benchmarks in their lives.
- Some people may find motivation in the gap between expectations and reality, using it as a catalyst for action rather than a source of stress.
- While many life developments occur later than traditionally expected, there are also numerous examples of individuals who achieve significant milestones early in life, suggesting a wide range of "normal" timelines.
- Comparing oneself to one's past self can be beneficial, but it might also lead to complacency if not balanced with external benchmarks and aspirations.
- Viewing personal timelines as layered rather than late is a positive reframe, but it's also important to recognize and address any procrastination or avoidance behaviors that may contribute to a sense of falling behind.
- Steady, consistent progress is valuable, but there are circumstances where quick bursts of achievement are necessary and beneficial, such as in entrepreneurial ventures or time-sensitive projects.
- Preparing for future opportunities is important, but it's also crucial to live in the present and find fulfillment in the current moment, rather than always looking ahead.
- Celebrating internal growth is essential, but external results and achievements can also provide important feedback and validation for one's efforts and direction.
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Reasons why People Feel "Behind" In Life
Jay Shetty explores the mental traps and societal pressures that lead people to feel as though they're falling behind in life.
We Compare Our Struggles To Others' External Lives
Social Media Shows Only Highlights, Not Full Experiences
Shetty introduces the concept of "highlight bias" in social media, where only the positive aspects of people's lives, such as weddings and promotions, are showcased. He states that this limited view causes people to overestimate others' happiness and underappreciate their own experiences.
Envy of Others' Progress Leads To Inadequacy Feelings
Comparing ourselves to others' perceived success on social media can lead to feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Shetty discusses how seeing the best moments of others' lives, without witnessing their struggles, lead us to believe that we are doing worse in comparison.
Societal Timelines For Life Events Are Unrealistic
Shetty critiques the traditional societal timeline, which suggests major life events should be completed by certain ages. He points out that the outdated timeline established in the 1950s, characterized by graduating at 22, starting a career by 25, marrying by 30, and having kids by 35, no longer reflects today's reality.
Uniqueness of Paths and Timelines; Avoid Forcing to Fit Imaginary Schedules
He encourages embracing the uniqueness of each individual's timeline, advising against forcing oneself to fit into the cookie-cutter life schedule. Each person's journey is unique and should not be measured against a standard not aligned with their personal circumstances and goals.
Brains Wired For Stress Over Unmet Expectations
Shetty explains that stress often arises when there's a gap between where individuals believe they should be in life and where they actually are. This discrepancy ...
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Reasons why People Feel "Behind" In Life
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- "Highlight bias" refers to the tendency of people to share only their best moments on social media, creating an incomplete picture of their lives. This selective sharing leads viewers to believe others have perfect, problem-free lives. It distorts reality by hiding everyday struggles and failures. As a result, people may feel inadequate when comparing their full, complex lives to these curated highlights.
- In the 1950s, societal norms emphasized a linear life path tied to post-World War II economic growth and traditional family roles. Young adults were expected to finish education early, secure stable jobs, marry young, and start families quickly. This timeline reflected a cultural ideal of stability and conformity prevalent in that era. These expectations were reinforced by social institutions, media, and economic conditions unique to the mid-20th century.
- "Temporal comparison stress" refers to the psychological discomfort experienced when individuals compare their current selves to an idealized or expected version of themselves at a certain point in time. This type of stress arises from focusing on perceived gaps between present achievements and past goals or future aspirations. It differs from social comparison by being an internal, time-based evaluation rather than a comparison with others. Managing this stress involves setting realistic goals and practicing self-compassion.
- Comparing to an idealized future self triggers stress because it highlights a gap between current reality and unrealistic personal goals. This gap activates the brain's threat response, releasing stress hormones like cortisol. The constant focus on what is lacking undermines motivation and self-esteem. Over time, this creates a cycle of dissatisfaction and anxiety.
- Societal timelines were established post-World War II during a period of economic growth and social stability, reflecting common life stages like education, career, marriage, and childbearing. These timelines aligned with predictable job markets, longer-term marriages, and earlier family formation. They are considered outdated because modern economic, social, and cultural changes have diversified life paths and delayed traditional milestones. Today, people pursue education longer, change careers more ofte ...
Counterarguments
- While social media can contribute to a "highlight bias," it's also a platform where many individuals share their struggles and seek support, which can provide a more balanced view of others' lives.
- Some people may use social media comparisons as motivation to improve their own lives rather than solely feeling inadequate.
- Traditional societal timelines might still be relevant for certain individuals or communities who value those milestones and find fulfillment in adhering to them.
- The concept of feeling "behind" can sometimes act as a catalyst for positive change and self-improvement, rather than just causing stress or feelings of inadequacy.
- Stress related to unmet expectations can also be a sign of ambition and drive, which are not inherently negative traits.
- Comparing oneself to an idealized future can serve as a form of goal-setting and can be beneficial if approache ...
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Societal Timelines Are Outdated: Success Often Comes Later
The traditional belief that success must come at an early age is increasingly being challenged by research and real-life examples that demonstrate the contrary.
Research: Career Clarity, Financial Stability, Emotional Maturity Found Later Than Assumed
Career Clarity by Mid-30s, Financial Stability by 40s, Peak Emotional Maturity at 45-55
Shetty reveals that the average person finds career clarity in their mid-30s, not their early 20s as widely believed. Moreover, financial stability doesn't usually arrive until the late 30s to mid-40s. As for emotional development, the research shows that emotional maturity tends to peak later in life, between the ages of 45 and 55, defying the idea that our personal development has fully formed by young adulthood.
Creative Breakthroughs Often Occur Around Ages 40-50, Challenging the Idea of Early Success
Far from being over the hill, many individuals hit their creative stride and achieve breakthroughs from the age of 40 to 50. Shetty supports this with the fact that the average age of a successful entrepreneur is 45, revealing that societal expectations for youthful success may be misplaced.
"Late Bloomers" Are More Common Than Early Successes
Success Achieved Later In Life by Oprah, Vera Wang, Toni Morrison, and Ray Kroc
"Late bloomers" are prevalent across various industry sectors. Oprah didn’t land her show until she was 32. Vera Wang didn’t begin her design career ...
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Societal Timelines Are Outdated: Success Often Comes Later
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Shetty likely refers to Vishen Lakhiani or Jay Shetty, both known for work on personal growth and success. Jay Shetty is a former monk and motivational speaker who shares insights on life and success based on experience and research. His credibility comes from his large following, published books, and collaborations with experts. However, specific academic credentials or peer-reviewed studies by him are not detailed here.
- The claims about career clarity, financial stability, and emotional maturity timelines are often based on longitudinal psychological and economic studies tracking adult development. Researchers like Erik Erikson and Daniel Levinson have explored adult psychosocial stages, showing growth continues well into middle age. Financial studies indicate income and wealth accumulation typically peak in the 40s and 50s due to career progression and investments. Emotional maturity research highlights that life experience and brain development contribute to improved emotional regulation and wisdom in midlife.
- Career clarity means having a clear understanding of what job or career path suits your skills, interests, and values. It involves knowing your professional goals and the steps needed to achieve them. This clarity helps in making informed decisions about education, job changes, or skill development. Without it, people may feel uncertain or stuck in their careers.
- Financial stability refers to having enough income, savings, and assets to cover expenses and emergencies without financial stress. It is often measured by factors like steady income, manageable debt levels, an emergency fund covering 3-6 months of expenses, and the ability to meet financial goals. It also includes having a good credit score and consistent budgeting habits. Financial stability means being prepared for unexpected costs and future needs without relying on debt.
- Emotional maturity refers to the ability to manage emotions, respond thoughtfully, and maintain healthy relationships. It is assessed through behaviors like self-awareness, empathy, impulse control, and resilience in stressful situations. Psychologists often use interviews, self-report questionnaires, and observation to identify these traits. It develops over time with life experiences and personal growth.
- Research analyzing thousands of startup founders found that the average age of successful entrepreneurs is around 45. This is because older founders often have more industry experience, better networks, and greater financial resources. Studies, such as those by the Kauffman Foundation and MIT, support this by showing higher success rates for entrepreneurs in their 40s compared to younger counterparts. These findings challenge the stereotype that entrepreneurship is primarily a young person’s game.
- Oprah Winfrey became a media mogul and inf ...
Counterarguments
- While research may indicate that career clarity and financial stability often come later, this does not negate the value of early career exploration and financial planning, which can lay the groundwork for later success.
- Emotional maturity might peak later in life, but this does not mean that younger individuals cannot possess significant emotional intelligence or contribute meaningfully to personal and professional relationships.
- Creative breakthroughs can indeed occur at any age, and there are numerous examples of individuals who have achieved significant creative success in their 20s or even younger.
- The average age of successful entrepreneurs being 45 does not preclude younger entrepreneurs from succeeding, nor does it guarantee success for those who start later.
- Highlighting late bloomers can be inspiring, but it may also inadvertently diminish the achievements of those who find success early in life, suggesting that their accomplishments are less cha ...
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Frameworks and Steps to Embrace Your Timeline
Creating a healthy personal timeline requires a shift in perspective from comparison to individual progress. Jay Shetty outlines steps to focus on one’s own journey, emphasizing consistency, internal growth, and recognizing the unique phases of one's life.
Compare Yourself To Your Own Progress, Not Others
Compare To Yesterday, Not To Others
Focusing on your own growth, rather than being pressured by the achievements of others, is crucial. Shetty advises to remove distractions, including social media accounts that trigger comparisons. He emphasizes the importance of the question: "Where am I compared to yesterday?"—underscoring that your true point of reference should be your own progress.
Your Only Competition Is Who You Were Yesterday
Shetty reinforces that the only competition one should engage in is with oneself. By competing with who you were 24 hours ago, you set a personal standard that fosters self-improvement and recognizes individual effort rather than external benchmarks.
Reframe Your Timeline as Layered, Not Late
Acknowledge Your Unseen Internal Progress
Internal transformation is often imperceptible to the outside world, yet it is significant. Shetty suggests that we acknowledge and celebrate this invisible work, as it constitutes the essential groundwork for external results. His time as a monk serves as an example, where the growth happened within before any outside change was apparent.
Identify Your Life Season, Not Compare To Others
Everybody goes through different seasons at different times—whether it's learning, healing, or building. Shetty encourages identifying and embracing your current season instead of measuring it against someone else’s path, reinforcing that each individual's timeline is unique and not directly comparable to others.
Focus On Consistency Over Speed
Steady Progress Outlasts Intense Bursts
Shetty promotes the concept that consistent, steady progress is more beneficial and sustainable than sporadic intense bursts. Consistent actions taken towards a goal can have a transformative impact over time, highlighting the value of patience and perseverance.
Define Success By Actions, Not Just Outcomes
Success should be defined more by the actions one takes consistently rather than the outcomes alone. This approach apprecia ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Frameworks and Steps to Embrace Your Timeline
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While focusing on personal growth is important, external benchmarks can sometimes provide motivation and a sense of where one stands in a broader context.
- Social media can also serve as a source of inspiration and learning if used mindfully, rather than being solely a distraction.
- Competition with others can be healthy if it encourages self-improvement and is approached with a growth mindset.
- Acknowledging internal transformation is important, but external validation can also play a crucial role in motivation and self-esteem.
- While it's beneficial to focus on one's own life season, observing others can provide valuable lessons and insights that can inform one's own journey.
- Intense bursts of effort can sometimes lead to breakthroughs and are necessary in certain situations, complementing steady progress.
- Outcomes are important as they ...
Actionables
- Create a 'growth journal' to track daily personal achievements and reflections. By jotting down even the smallest victories or insights each day, you create a tangible record of your internal transformation. For example, if you managed to stay calm during a stressful situation, note it down, and over time, you'll see a pattern of improved emotional resilience.
- Designate a 'celebration ritual' for acknowledging personal growth. This could be as simple as treating yourself to a favorite activity or small reward whenever you notice you've made progress in an area that's important to you. If you've been working on learning a new language and you've managed to have a basic conversation, celebrate by watching a movie in that language.
- Set up a 'future opportunities fund' where you contribute a small amount of mon ...
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