MEL ROBBINS: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Set Boundaries and Stop Putting Yourself Last!)
In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins explores the challenges of self-criticism and people-pleasing in the modern world. She explains how technology and social media have increased our exposure to our own image, leading to more self-criticism, and shares practical techniques for building self-compassion, including the use of meaningful mantras and strategic self-talk approaches.
The conversation between Robbins and Shetty covers the journey from unfulfilling careers to discovering true passions, with Robbins sharing her transition from law to podcasting. They discuss how feelings of envy can signal unexplored interests, the value of studying successful people in one's chosen field, and methods for maintaining resilience through setbacks while building self-trust.
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1-Page Summary
Overcoming Self-Criticism and People-Pleasing
In this episode, Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty explore the challenges of self-criticism and people-pleasing in modern life, offering practical solutions for building self-compassion and setting boundaries.
The Root of Self-Criticism
Robbins explains how unprecedented exposure to our own image through technology has led to increased self-criticism and comparison. She notes that self-criticism is learned behavior, particularly during ages 12-18, and can be unlearned. Jay Shetty shares his experience of living without mirrors for three years, highlighting how this helped him see beyond physical appearance.
Building Self-Compassion
To combat self-criticism, Robbins recommends using "meaningful mantras" and following Dr. Ethan Cross's advice to use one's name in self-talk. She emphasizes the importance of self-care without waiting to "earn" it, especially during stressful periods when self-criticism tends to increase.
Discovering and Pursuing True Passions
Robbins shares her journey from an unfulfilling legal career to finding her true calling. She and Shetty discuss how envy can actually signal unfulfilled passions, with Robbins noting how her own jealousy of Shetty's podcast led her to discover her passion for the medium.
Both hosts emphasize the importance of studying successful models in one's chosen field and prioritizing genuine service to existing audiences over rapid growth. They stress that taking care of a small, devoted following creates the foundation for broader reach.
Cultivating Self-Trust and Resilience
Robbins introduces her mantra "I refuse to believe that this is how it ends" as a tool for maintaining perseverance through difficulties. She views setbacks as preparation for future opportunities, while Shetty adds that trust in a greater plan can help maintain hope during challenging times.
The hosts emphasize the importance of self-compassion and celebrating small wins. Shetty suggests that personal setbacks add value to one's life story, while Robbins advocates for taking pride in progress, even when it's not perfect.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While technology may increase self-criticism, it also offers tools for self-improvement and positive reinforcement through supportive communities and access to motivational content.
- Some argue that self-criticism can be a motivator for self-improvement if channeled correctly, rather than something that always needs to be unlearned.
- The idea of living without mirrors might not be practical or desirable for everyone, as mirrors can also be used for self-reflection and personal grooming, contributing to self-care.
- Mantras and self-talk strategies may not work for everyone; some individuals might find other techniques, such as mindfulness or therapy, more effective for building self-compassion.
- The concept of not needing to "earn" self-care could potentially lead to a lack of discipline or accountability in some individuals if not balanced with a sense of responsibility.
- Envy as a guide to discovering true passions might not always be a reliable indicator; it could also lead to unhealthy comparisons or unrealistic expectations.
- Studying successful models can be beneficial, but it's also important to recognize the value of originality and not just emulate others' paths to success.
- Focusing on a small, devoted audience is valuable, but it's also important to adapt and expand one's reach to ensure sustainability and growth in a changing market.
- The mantra "I refuse to believe that this is how it ends" might not always be applicable, as sometimes accepting an ending is necessary for personal growth and moving on.
- While viewing setbacks as preparation for future opportunities is optimistic, it's also important to acknowledge and address the real pain and disappointment that can accompany failure.
- Trusting in a greater plan may not resonate with everyone, especially those who do not hold such beliefs or who believe more in self-determination.
- Celebrating small wins is important, but it's also crucial to maintain a realistic view of one's progress and not become complacent.
- Personal setbacks do add value to one's life story, but it's also essential to learn from them and make changes to prevent future setbacks when possible.
- Taking pride in progress is important, but it's also necessary to strive for excellence and not settle for mediocrity.
Actionables
- Create a digital vision board that focuses on personal values and goals rather than physical appearance to shift focus from self-criticism to self-fulfillment. Use a free online collage tool to combine images and quotes that represent your aspirations and values, and set this as your desktop wallpaper or phone background for daily inspiration.
- Start a "small wins" journal to celebrate daily achievements and foster self-compassion. Each evening, jot down at least three small successes or positive actions you took that day. This could be as simple as making a healthy meal, completing a work task, or offering help to someone. Over time, this practice can enhance self-trust and motivation by highlighting progress.
- Develop a personal "envy map" to identify and pursue unfulfilled passions. Whenever you feel envy, write down who or what triggered it and what specific qualities or achievements sparked that feeling. Use this map to uncover patterns and guide you toward areas for personal growth or new goals to set, turning envy into a constructive tool for self-discovery.
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Overcoming Self-Criticism and People-Pleasing
Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty delve into the modern struggles of self-criticism and people-pleasing, exploring their origins and offering actionable advice on cultivating self-compassion and empowering oneself through boundaries.
Self-Criticism Stems From Cultural Comparison
Self-Criticism Stems From Frequently Seeing and Judging Our Image
Robbins discusses the phenomenon of frequent exposure to our own images through modern technology, such as Zoom sessions, FaceTime calls, and selfies, which our brains aren't equipped to handle. This constant exposure leads to unprecedented rates of self-comparison and self-judgment. The hosts highlight how self-criticism has increased due to more common encounters with our own image, contributing to this heightened self-judgment.
Self-Criticism Arises From Early Negative Experiences and Messages, Which Can Be Unlearned
Jay Shetty shares his experience of not seeing his reflection for three years, which helped him recognize that there’s more to him than his physical appearance. Robbins also reflects on her focus on external measures until contemplating her own deeper internal life. She suggests that self-criticism is learned from early negative experiences, particularly between the ages of 12 and 18, and cites Dr. Judith Joseph's research that equates the impact of these social experiences to physical harm. Robbins emphasizes that since self-criticism is learned, it can be unlearned through conscious effort.
Cultivating Self-Compassion to Overcome Self-Criticism
Mantras Help Reprogram Negative Self-Talk
Robbins introduces the concept of a "meaningful mantra" as a tool to combat self-criticism. Dr. Ethan Cross recommends using one's name in self-address to shift perspective and break the cycle of negative self-talk. Robbins emphasizes the importance of reprogramming the mind with positive affirmations and advises people to write down and vocalize their mantras to help reshape their self-perception.
Self-Care Counters Self-Judgment; Enjoy Life Without "Earning" It
When stressed and overwhelmed, it's common for self-criticism to increase, tied to the fight or flight response. Robbins advises distinguishing between improving life and relentless change based on the false notion that there's something inherently wrong. She advocates for practicing self-care and living life in the present rather than waiting for a future version of oneself to engage in desired activities.
Empowering Through Boundaries and Letting Go Of People-Pleasing
People-Pleasing Manipulates For Approval, Not a Weakness
Jay Shetty addresses the internal struggle when trying to please others, pointing out that avoiding others' anger at the cost of one's desires can feel like self-betrayal. Robbins states that people-pleasing is actually a form of man ...
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Overcoming Self-Criticism and People-Pleasing
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Counterarguments
- While self-criticism can stem from cultural comparison and early negative experiences, it can also be a result of innate personality traits or biological factors such as genetics, which may not be as easily unlearned.
- The use of mantras and positive affirmations may not be effective for everyone, as some individuals might require more in-depth psychological interventions to address deep-seated self-criticism.
- The idea that technology leads to increased self-criticism could be challenged by the perspective that technology also offers tools for self-improvement and positive community building, which can counteract self-criticism.
- The concept of self-care as presented might be criticized for potentially encouraging self-indulgence or avoidance of responsibility if not balanced with a sense of accountability and engagement with the world.
- The notion that people-pleasing is a form of manipulation could be seen as an oversimplification, as it may sometimes stem from a genuine desire to maintain harmony or from empathetic feelings rather than manipulative intent.
- The advice to prioritize personal needs and set boundaries might not take into account cultural differences where collective needs and harmony are valued over individual desires.
- The encouragement to enjoy life without feeling the need to "earn" it could be counterargued ...
Actionables
- Create a digital self-care avatar that represents your commitment to self-compassion and boundary-setting. Use a simple avatar creation app to design a character that embodies qualities you aspire to, such as strength, kindness, or resilience. Whenever you face self-criticism or the urge to people-please, open the app and interact with your avatar, reminding yourself of the importance of self-care and personal boundaries.
- Develop a "compassion break" alarm system on your phone or smart device. Set multiple alarms throughout the day with labels that prompt you to take a moment for self-reflection and to check in with your bodily needs. Each alarm could have a unique label like "Hydration Check," "Posture and Stretch," or "Three Deep Breaths," encouraging you to pause and practice self-care regularly.
- Start a "Boundary Buddy" pact with a friend or family ...
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Discovering and Pursuing One's True Passions and Purpose
Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty share insights into the journey of pursuing one's true passions and the underlying purpose, emphasizing the importance of valuing one’s own desires over societal expectations to achieve fulfillment.
Pursuing Your Passions Over Others' Expectations Is Key to Fulfillment
Mel Robbins recalls her dissatisfaction with her life as a lawyer, where she did the bare minimum because she hated her existence. She reached a point where her life didn't work for her, a circumstance she points out can be tolerated for years. She stresses the importance of overcoming fears and excuses to live a life free from regret.
Clarity on Values, Strengths, and Desires Guides Meaningful Work
Robbins emphasizes the importance of choosing a partner with long-term values and desires that align with yours rather than someone fashioned from societal expectations. This alignment is crucial in pursuing work that is guided by one's values, strengths, and desires.
Envy Reveals Unfulfilled Passions
Robbins reflects on her own experiences with jealousy, such as envy over someone's kitchen design, indicating how envy can signal one's own desires and passions. Also, starting her podcast out of jealousy for Jay Shetty’s podcast led her to identify her unfulfilled passion for the platform.
Building a Career Around Your Passions Requires Patience and Persistence
Robbins' career trajectory from lawyer to public speaker and best-selling author exemplifies a career built with patience and persistence. She maintained a focus on helping people, a thread that weaves through her various career stages.
Studying Models and Committing To Work Leads To Long-Term Success
Shetty advises studying successful models in the field one wishes to master and connecting with the audience to understand their interests and needs. Robbins agrees, emphasizing the necessity to search for successful formulas, be a student first, and commit to doing the work every day.
Prioritizing Audience Service Over Growth Leads To Sustainability
Both Robbins and Shetty stress the importance of focusing o ...
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Discovering and Pursuing One's True Passions and Purpose
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Pursuing passions over societal expectations might not always lead to greater fulfillment if those passions are not viable or sustainable as a career.
- Some individuals may find satisfaction in meeting societal expectations or feel that their responsibilities necessitate prioritizing stability over passion.
- Overcoming fears and excuses is important, but caution and risk assessment are also valuable in decision-making to avoid reckless changes.
- Aligning with a partner's values and desires is important, but compromise and growth within relationships are also key to long-term satisfaction.
- Envy can sometimes be a misleading guide if it stems from superficial desires or a lack of contentment with one's own life.
- Patience and persistence are virtues, but there may also be a time to recognize when a chosen path is not working and pivot accordingly.
- Studying successful models is useful, but innovation often requires thinking outside established norms and creating u ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Passion Jar" where you write down activities that excite you each time you feel a spark of interest, then set aside time each week to explore one of these activities. This could be as simple as cooking a new recipe, writing a poem, or researching a topic you're curious about, helping you to identify and pursue your true passions.
- Start a "Values Journal" where you reflect on your daily experiences and align them with your core values. For example, if one of your values is creativity, you might journal about how you incorporated creativity into your work or personal life that day. This practice can help you make decisions that are more aligned with your long-term values and desires.
- Develop a "Setback Strategy ...
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Cultivating Self-Trust, Patience, Resilience in Challenges
The narrative by Mel Robbins and Jay Shetty highlights how recognizing growth and success in unexpected ways and cultivating self-compassion are crucial for hope, motivation, and resilience when facing life’s challenges.
Recognizing Growth and Success Aren't Always as Expected Is Crucial for Hope
Trust the Universe's Plan For Comfort and Motivation, Despite Setbacks
Robbins discusses the importance of realizations that can lead to hope and change. She believes that difficult moments prepare us for unknown future events, offering comfort and creating faith in one's ability to navigate uncertainty. Similarly, Shetty relays wisdom from a monk teacher who suggests that if a desire hasn't manifested, it may be because something better is planned or it's not the right time. This mindset underscores the importance of trusting a greater plan for maintaining hope and motivation.
Setbacks as "Bricks in the Path" Foster Trust and Resilience
Robbins frames past events as "bricks in the path of life," illustrating that experiences lead to the present and current challenges are part of the path to future success. Implicit in Shetty’s stories is the idea that setbacks are valuable parts of one's journey towards success. Shetty also shares a personal setback when he questioned the feasibility of his passion-driven work due to financial strains, demonstrating that trust in the journey can promote resilience.
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Celebrating Small Wins Sustain Motivation
Be Kind to Yourself as You Would to a Friend to Counteract Self-Criticism
Implicit in Robbins' narrative is the idea that self-compassion is necessary to recognize the need for change. Robbins reflects on her cancelled talk show, suggesting that acknowledging small wins is crucial. Robbins stresses the need for self-talk that is kind, which requires time and persistence. She also suggests that starting with smaller self-boundaries can aid in setting larger ones. Robbins highlights the importance of compassion and a non-judgmental stance towards oth ...
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Cultivating Self-Trust, Patience, Resilience in Challenges
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Trusting the universe's plan may not resonate with everyone, especially those who believe in creating their own destiny or who are skeptical of the idea that the universe has a specific plan for individuals.
- The concept of difficult moments preparing individuals for future events can be challenged by the argument that not all difficult moments have a clear purpose or lead to positive outcomes.
- The idea that setbacks are "bricks in the path" might be overly optimistic for some, as certain setbacks can have long-lasting negative effects that don't necessarily contribute to future success.
- The notion of self-compassion as a necessity for change could be contested by those who believe that self-discipline and critical self-evaluation are more effective for personal growth.
- The emphasis on celebrating small wins might be criticized for potentially leading to complacency or a lack of ambition to achieve larger goals.
- The mantra "this only makes the story better" may not be helpful for everyone, as some might find it dismissive of the real pain and frustration setbacks can cause.
- The advice to take pride in progress, even if not ideal, could be se ...
Actionables
- Create a "Setback Journal" where you write down each challenge you face and then brainstorm possible hidden advantages or skills you're gaining from the experience. This practice helps you see the value in difficult moments and reinforces the idea that they're preparing you for future success. For example, if you didn't get a job you applied for, write about how this experience might be improving your interview skills or leading you to a better-suited opportunity.
- Develop a "Small Wins Tracker" app or use a simple spreadsheet to record daily accomplishments, no matter how minor they seem. This tool encourages you to acknowledge and celebrate progress, building self-worth and motivation. For instance, if you managed to save a small amount of money or completed a workout, log it and reflect on these achievements at the end of each week.
- Start a "Compassion Circle" with friends or family where ...
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