Confidence Expert Dr. Shadé Zahrai: Feel Like You’re Not Enough? THIS Proven 4 Part Framework Will Transform Your Self-Image & Build REAL Confidence
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and Dr. Shadé Zahrai examine the psychology of self-doubt and its common manifestations, including imposter syndrome—which affects up to 82% of people. They explore how self-doubt often stems from a lack of self-acceptance and manifests through behaviors like constant self-pressure, fear of success, and an excessive need for approval.
The conversation covers practical strategies for building confidence and self-trust, with Zahrai explaining how these qualities emerge from action rather than precede it. She shares methods for managing emotional responses, including the "spiral stop" technique and cognitive diffusion, while emphasizing the value of viewing discomfort as an opportunity for growth. The discussion also addresses how to develop an internal locus of control and rewrite limiting personal narratives.
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The Psychology and Underlying Drivers Of Self-Doubt
In this episode, Jay Shetty and Shadé Zahrai delve into the complex psychology of self-doubt and provide practical strategies for managing it.
Key Drivers of Self-Doubt
Zahrai explains that self-doubt often stems from a lack of self-acceptance, manifesting in four key behaviors: constant pressure to prove oneself, fear of success leading to self-sabotage, taking pleasure in others' failures, and an excessive need for approval. She emphasizes that while childhood experiences significantly shape these patterns, they can be reshaped through conscious effort and visualization techniques.
Understanding Imposter Syndrome
According to Zahrai, up to 82% of people experience imposter syndrome, feeling like a fraud despite their achievements. Originally studied in high-achieving women, this manifestation of self-doubt commonly occurs when people are pushed beyond their comfort zones. To overcome it, Zahrai suggests reframing self-talk from "I don't belong" to "What can I learn?"
Building Self-Trust and Confidence
Shetty and Zahrai agree that confidence emerges from action rather than preceding it. Zahrai emphasizes that focusing on transferable skills and maintaining a growth mindset is more valuable than having perfect qualifications. She advocates for developing an internal locus of control - focusing on what one can influence rather than external factors - as a key strategy for building autonomy and self-trust.
Power of Mindset and Self-Narrative
The hosts discuss the importance of rewriting personal narratives to overcome self-doubt. Zahrai shares strategies for managing emotional responses, including the "spiral stop" method for regaining composure and using cognitive diffusion to separate oneself from negative thoughts. She emphasizes that viewing discomfort as an opportunity for growth, rather than a signal to retreat, is essential for personal development.
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Counterarguments
- While visualization techniques can be helpful, they may not be sufficient for everyone, especially those with deep-seated psychological issues that require professional therapy.
- The claim that up to 82% of people experience imposter syndrome might be overstated or not representative across different cultures and contexts.
- The idea that confidence always follows action might be too simplistic, as some individuals may require a baseline level of self-efficacy to initiate action in the first place.
- The emphasis on an internal locus of control is generally positive, but it can also lead to self-blame in situations that are genuinely outside one's control, ignoring the impact of systemic issues and luck.
- The strategies for managing emotional responses, such as the "spiral stop" technique, may not be universally effective, as individuals have unique emotional landscapes and may benefit from different approaches.
- The concept of viewing discomfort as an opportunity for growth, while often beneficial, might not acknowledge the validity and necessity of retreat in certain situations for self-preservation and mental health.
- The focus on personal narrative might inadvertently minimize the role of external factors and societal influences on an individual's self-doubt and personal development.
Actionables
- Create a "Skill Bridge" diary where you log daily instances where skills from one area of your life benefited another, reinforcing the value of transferable skills. For example, if you're good at organizing your home, note how that skill helped you manage a project timeline at work. This practice helps you see the interconnectedness of your abilities and boosts your confidence in diverse situations.
- Start a "Comfort Zone Expansion" challenge by doing one small thing that scares you each day for a month. It could be as simple as speaking up in a meeting or trying a new hobby. Document your feelings and reflections in a journal to track your growth and the lessons learned, turning discomfort into a positive, transformative experience.
- Develop a "Narrative Flip" script, writing down a negative belief you hold about yourself and then crafting an alternative, positive narrative. For instance, if you believe "I'm not a good public speaker," rewrite it to "Every time I speak, I'm improving and connecting with my audience." Recite this script daily to gradually shift your internal dialogue and reshape self-perception.
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The Psychology and Underlying Drivers Of Self-Doubt
Jay Shetty and Shadé Zahrai explore the complex psychology of self-doubt, discussing its internal mechanisms and how it plays out in behaviors and societal roles.
Key Drivers of Self-Doubt Shaping Self-Image
Self-Acceptance: Pressure to Prove, Fear of Success, Schadenfreude Cycle, Need For Approval
Self-doubt can be rooted in a lack of self-acceptance—a person's belief in their own value and worth. There are four behaviors reflective of this trait:
- Pressure to Prove: A constant need to prove one's value to others seeks validation. Without it, there is a compulsion to regain approval.
- Fear of Success (Shrinking Syndrome): Anxiety about having good things happen leads to self-sabotage before achieving success.
- Schadenfreude Cycle: Delight in others' failures boosts self-esteem temporarily, signaling low self-acceptance.
- Need For Approval: An endless desire for validation risks leading individuals to codependency and losing their sense of self.
Zahrai outlines that childhood environments heavily influence self-acceptance. She emphasizes the effects of parental responses in the first few years of life on a child's sense of worth. Childhood comparisons or approval tied to winning awards can make children equate their value with success. Shetty adds that performing for parental approval can cement the equation of performance with success, love, and worth.
Self-Image, Shaped by Childhood, Can Change With Effort
Shetty and Zahrai emphasize the strong influence of childhood experiences on one's self-image. However, they highlight that with conscious effort, these ingrained beliefs can be reshaped. Visualization of success and embodying that image are strategies suggested to rewrite self-perceptions. Recognizing past circumstances and acknowledging the efforts of early caregivers can be part of the healing journey. Zahrai shares personal experiences to highlight that even in a nurturing family, self-image issues can arise. She emphasizes the importance of addressing the root causes, not just the symptoms, to effectively manage self-doubt.
Addressing Self-Doubt's Root Causes, Not Just Symptoms
Zahrai advises focusing on specific drivers of self-doubt to guide personal development. She implies that becoming aware of the invisible scars or self-beliefs that fuel self-doubt is crucial for creating positive change. Identifying and challenging negative beliefs permit the rewiring of neuron pathways and the adoption of new, affirming self-concepts.
How Self-Doubt Manifests as Imposter Syndrome
Imposter Syndrome: Feeling Like a Fraud ...
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The Psychology and Underlying Drivers Of Self-Doubt
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Counterarguments
- Self-doubt may not always stem from a lack of self-acceptance; it can also be a result of external factors such as societal pressures, unrealistic standards, or specific life events that undermine confidence.
- The behaviors associated with low self-acceptance, such as the need for approval or fear of success, might sometimes be adaptive or protective mechanisms rather than purely negative traits.
- While childhood environments and parental responses are influential, self-doubt and self-image are also shaped by genetics, personality traits, and later life experiences, which can be equally significant.
- The idea that success, love, and worth are dependent on performance is not solely the result of seeking parental approval; cultural, educational, and professional systems also reinforce this belief.
- The concept of reshaping self-image through visualization and embodying positive self-images may not be effective for everyone, as some individuals may require more structured psychological interventions.
- Acknowledging early caregivers' efforts is important, but it should not overshadow the need to address any dysfunctional or harmful behaviors they may have exhibited.
- The prevalence of imposter syndrome might be overstated or misunderstood, as feelings of inadequacy in certain situations can be normal and not necessarily indicative of a syndrome.
- The strate ...
Actionables
- Create a "self-worth timeline" by charting significant life events and the feelings of value associated with them to identify patterns and triggers for self-doubt. Start by drawing a line on a piece of paper, marking your age at intervals, and noting down events or achievements that made you feel valued or the opposite. Reflect on how these moments relate to your current self-perception and consider how you can reframe these experiences to detach your worth from performance.
- Develop a "challenge the critic" habit by carrying a small notebook to jot down negative self-beliefs as they arise, then actively dispute them with evidence of your abilities and worth. For example, if you catch yourself thinking, "I'm not good enough to lead this project," write it down and counter it with instances where you've successfully managed tasks or received positive feedback. This practice helps rewire your thought patterns to be more self-affirming.
- Initiate a "growth circle" wit ...
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Strategies and Frameworks For Building Self-Trust and Confidence
The hosts discuss methodologies to build self-trust and confidence, highlighting that actions can shape one’s feelings of capability and the importance of controlling one’s own narrative to cultivate an internal locus of control.
Importance of Agency and Self-Efficacy In Overcoming Self-Doubt
Action Breeds Confidence; Capabilities Become Evident
Zahrai and Shetty agree that confidence emerges after actions are taken, not before. Zahrai remarks that enduring discomfort and showing up despite it can develop a tolerance for discomfort, leading to self-trust and confidence through repeated action. She suggests that one must trust in their ability to handle any outcome before taking action, which she describes as a critical component of self-trust.
Additionally, she emphasizes that focusing on action can help avoid paralyzing comparison to others, craft opportunities towards achievement, and reveal one’s capabilities. Zahrai shares how focusing on her value helped her lean on strengths and build self-trust by not attempting to emulate everyone else.
Focusing On Transferable Skills and Qualities Boosts Self-Confidence
Zahrai advises that when applying for jobs, it's essential to recognize that meeting 100% of the job description is not required. Emphasizing transferable skills and qualities that can be adapted to the role can foster confidence. She recalls her own experience applying for a senior banking role where she highlighted her rapid learning and adaptability.
Learning and Challenge Readiness Outweigh Qualifications
The hosts discuss that qualifications are important, but a readiness to learn and tackle challenges is even more impactful. Zahrai suggests that bringing a growth mindset and qualities like curiosity, persistence, and diligence to a new challenge can help to overcome self-doubt and build self-confidence more than relying on formal qualifications.
Role of Autonomy and Internal Locus of Control
External Locus of Control Breeds Powerlessness
When individuals focus on factors beyond their control, Zahrai notes it can lead to powerlessness. By switching from disempowering queries like "Why me?" to "What now?", it encourages a focus on actionable steps forward. Zahrai implies that by shifting to ...
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Counterarguments
- Confidence can sometimes precede action, as some individuals may need a baseline level of self-belief to initiate action in the first place.
- While enduring discomfort can lead to growth, it's also important to recognize when discomfort may be a sign of unhealthy situations or boundaries being crossed.
- Trusting in one's ability to handle outcomes is important, but overconfidence can lead to underestimating risks and potential negative consequences.
- Focusing solely on action without reflection can lead to burnout or a lack of strategic direction.
- Emphasizing personal strengths is valuable, but it's also important to acknowledge and work on weaknesses to become well-rounded.
- While transferable skills are crucial, some roles may require specific technical skills or knowledge that cannot be overlooked.
- A growth mindset is beneficial, but there are situations where formal qualifications are necessary and provide a foundation of expertise that cannot be replaced by attitude alone.
- An internal locus of control is generally positive, but it's also important to recognize the r ...
Actionables
- You can build confidence through micro-bravery by setting a daily challenge to do something slightly outside your comfort zone, like striking up a conversation with a stranger or trying a new food. This practice will help you become more accustomed to discomfort and realize that you can handle the outcomes, which in turn fosters self-trust.
- Start a "What Can I Control?" journal where you write down situations that cause you stress or discomfort and then list the aspects you can control. For example, if you're worried about a job interview, you might list preparing answers to common questions, researching the company, and choosing an outfit that makes you feel confident. This helps shift your focus from external factors to your own actions and decisions.
- Create a personal growth plan that emphasizes learning and adaptability by identifying skills you wan ...
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Power of Mindset and Self-Narrative In Overcoming Self-Doubt
Rewriting Contaminated Personal Narratives Into Redemptive Stories
Jay Shetty highlights the universal nature of self-doubt and the success of those who have learned to manage it effectively through mindset shifts. Shadé Zahrai shares the redemptive story of Pete Best, who reframed his narrative after being replaced by Ringo Starr, choosing to focus on the positive aspects of his life. This process of narrative re-identification, modifying the stories we tell ourselves, has been effective for decades, and while it takes time, it can transform how we see ourselves.
How Stories of Past Difficulties Shape Self-Image and Expectations
Throughout history, there has been a hardwiring of worth to work, which profoundly affects self-image and expectations. Shetty and Zahrai discuss how personal narratives shaped by past labels and experiences, like family dynamics or workplace challenges, influence self-perception and frame the future. Examples of being labeled "emotional" in the workplace or remembering oneself in terms of past hardships further underscore the impact of past experiences.
Re-editing Past Events: Changing the Meaning
Both Shetty and Zahrai discuss the importance of re-editing past events to change their meanings and, subsequently, our self-perception. Through reframing labels and memories, people can alter the impact of their experiences. For instance, redefining "intensity" as "passion" can empower a person, and changing our interpretation of memories each time we recall them allows us to reshape our past and ourselves.
Adopting a Growth Mindset Viewing Challenges As Opportunities
Zahrai and Shetty emphasize that adopting a growth mindset transforms our narrative and approach to life. Shetty exemplifies this by seeking out deep connections in new settings, and Zahrai encourages seeing nervousness as preparedness. Acknowledging past difficulties as markers of resilience, rather than failure, allows us to view challenges as opportunities for growth.
Harnessing Adaptability to Manage Emotional Responses
Zahrai addresses adaptability, an essential quality for managing emotions such as self-doubt. She describes a "spiral stop" method to help regain composure: taking a breath and reminding oneself that nothing catastrophic will occur. By acknowledging and understanding discomfort, people can learn to adapt their emotional responses to be more constructive.
Regaining Composure and Refocusing Amid Self-Doubt
Both Zahrai and Shetty stress the importance ...
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Power of Mindset and Self-Narrative In Overcoming Self-Doubt
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Counterarguments
- While mindset shifts can be powerful, they may not be sufficient for everyone, especially those with clinical mental health issues that require professional treatment.
- The ability to reframe personal narratives might be limited by deep-seated beliefs or trauma that could require more than just a change in perspective.
- The concept of re-editing past events could be seen as a form of avoidance or denial if not balanced with acceptance and processing of actual events.
- The emphasis on changing self-perception might inadvertently suggest that one's past or inherent traits are inherently negative and must be altered to achieve success.
- The growth mindset, while beneficial, may not always be applicable in situations where systemic barriers or external circumstances limit personal growth opportunities.
- The idea that viewing nervousness as preparedness could potentially minimize the experiences of those with anxiety disorders for whom nervousness is not easily reframed into a positive light.
- Adaptability is important, but there may be situations where emotional responses are appropriate and should be honored rather than managed or altered.
- Techniques like the "spiral stop" method may not work for everyone, and some individuals ...
Actionables
- You can create a "narrative timeline" to visually reframe your personal history, drawing a line that represents your life and marking significant events with symbols that represent growth, resilience, or learning. For example, instead of marking a job loss with a negative symbol, use an icon that signifies a door opening to new opportunities, symbolizing how that event led to personal development or new paths.
- Develop a "memory re-scripting" habit by writing down troubling past events and consciously altering the story to highlight positive outcomes or strengths gained. For instance, if you recall a time you felt embarrassed, rewrite the scenario focusing on how you handled the situation with grace or what it taught you about dealing with similar situations in the future.
- Practice "emotional alchemy" by assigning new emo ...
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