Roxie Nafousi: Struggle With Low Self-Worth & No Confidence? (Use This Life-Changing 3-Step Method!)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and Roxie Nafousi explore what true confidence means and how it differs from the common perception that it comes from external validation or success. They examine the relationship between confidence and self-worth, discussing how thought patterns shape our beliefs and experiences, and how modern society's focus on external validation can affect authentic self-perception.
Drawing from her personal experiences with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Nafousi shares insights about overcoming mental health challenges and building lasting confidence. The discussion includes practical strategies for developing self-worth, such as writing personalized motivational messages and celebrating personal achievements. Shetty and Nafousi also address how to handle interpersonal conflicts and the importance of accepting that universal likability isn't achievable.
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1-Page Summary
The Psychology of Confidence and Self-Worth
In this episode, Roxie Nafousi and Jay Shetty explore the true nature of confidence and its relationship with self-worth. Nafousi defines confidence as knowing you are enough, emphasizing that it's not about being extroverted or seeking external validation, but rather about maintaining a grounded, stable sense of self-worth.
The hosts discuss how modern society's focus on external validation can become addictive and harmful to authentic self-perception. Shetty notes that while success, fame, or wealth are often seen as paths to confidence, true confidence must come from within, independent of external achievements.
Overcoming Insecurities and Negative Thought Patterns
Shetty and Nafousi examine the critical role of thought patterns in personal growth. Nafousi emphasizes the importance of mastering one's thoughts, explaining how repetitive thoughts become beliefs that filter our experiences. She introduces the concept of the "higher self" as a tool for transformation, suggesting that people envision and make decisions based on their most empowered version.
To combat negative self-talk, Nafousi recommends writing motivational messages to oneself, noting how these can evolve from generic affirmations to personalized encouragement. Shetty adds that acknowledging daily wins can effectively counteract the inner critic.
Speaker's Journey With Body Image and Mental Health
Nafousi shares her personal struggle with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), which began at age seven and intensified during her pregnancy at 28. She describes experiencing intense disgust toward her appearance, leading to anxiety, panic attacks, and social avoidance.
Despite attempting various cosmetic procedures, Nafousi found real improvement through therapy, medication, and internal work. She emphasizes that external changes alone couldn't resolve her mental health challenges, and discusses how sharing her story publicly helps destigmatize these issues.
Practical Steps and Habits For Building Confidence
The hosts offer concrete strategies for building confidence. Shetty emphasizes the importance of celebrating personal achievements, while Nafousi recommends writing down and embracing one's unique traits. They discuss the liberating effect of accepting that it's impossible to be liked by everyone, with Nafousi suggesting viewing interpersonal conflicts as energy mismatches rather than personal failures.
1-Page Summary
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Counterarguments
- While confidence is often described as coming from within, some psychologists argue that a certain level of external validation is natural and can be healthy, as humans are social creatures who thrive on feedback and interaction.
- The idea that repetitive thoughts become beliefs might be overly simplistic, as it does not account for the complexity of belief formation, which can also be influenced by external factors such as culture, education, and personal experiences.
- The concept of the "higher self" may not resonate with everyone, and some may find alternative approaches, such as mindfulness or cognitive-behavioral techniques, more practical or evidence-based for personal transformation.
- Writing motivational messages and affirmations can be beneficial, but some research suggests that if individuals do not believe these affirmations, they may experience a backlash effect and feel worse.
- Acknowledging daily wins is a positive practice, but it's important to also recognize and accept failures as part of the growth process, without letting them undermine self-worth.
- While sharing personal struggles with mental health can be destigmatizing, it's also important to consider the potential risks of oversharing, such as privacy concerns or the impact on professional reputation.
- The advice to celebrate personal achievements and embrace unique traits is valuable, but it's also crucial to balance self-acceptance with a willingness to grow and improve upon weaknesses.
- The suggestion to view interpersonal conflicts as energy mismatches might oversimplify complex social dynamics and not address the root causes of conflicts, which could be important for personal development and relationship building.
Actionables
- Create a "confidence journal" where you dedicate a few minutes each day to write about moments when you felt self-assured, noting the context and your feelings. This practice helps you identify patterns in your confidence levels and reinforces the belief that your self-worth is constant, not situational.
- Develop a "higher self" persona, complete with a name, characteristics, and behaviors that embody your ideal confident self. When faced with decisions or challenges, ask yourself, "What would [Persona's Name] do?" This strategy encourages you to act from a place of empowerment and aligns your choices with the version of yourself you aspire to be.
- Initiate a "compliment exchange" with a friend or family member where you regularly share genuine compliments about each other's unique traits and achievements. This reciprocal practice not only bolsters your own confidence but also strengthens your relationships by fostering mutual appreciation and support.
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The Psychology of Confidence and Self-Worth
Roxie Nafousi and Jay Shetty delve into the complex nature of confidence, illustrating that it is intertwined with self-worth and not dependent on outward validation or extroverted traits.
Confidence Is About Self-Worth and Knowing You Are Enough, Not Seeking Validation or Being an Extrovert
Nafousi defines confidence as ultimately about self-worth and knowing that you are enough as you are. She clarifies that confidence is not synonymous with being an extrovert or comfortable with being loud or charismatic, but is instead grounding, quiet, and stable. She emphasizes that confidence is rooted in self-worth and is necessary to manifest what one subconsciously believes they deserve. Her view is that a lack of confidence often hinders people from fulfilling their potential.
Nafousi discusses the importance of approaching relationships by hoping to like the other person, rather than fret those relationships are not energetic fits. She also addresses the belief in divine timing and perseverance through challenges, stating this mindset lessens the self-blame for things beyond our control and is tethered to confidence.
She talks about confidence impacting every area of our lives; the more confident we are, the less we blame ourselves and the more we can improve in a compassionate manner. She also talks about the importance of confidence in combating feelings of regret, shame, and guilt.
Confidence Allows You to Be Unapologetically Yourself, Not Worrying About What Others Think
Nafousi states, "Confidence is about being able to walk into any room, unapologetically yourself, and walking out not worrying about what others thought of you." She views confidence as knowing you're a "masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time." Shetty echoes this sentiment, suggesting it acknowledges an ongoing process of healing and growth.
Both Nafousi and Shetty stress that true confidence emerges from internal approval and self-acceptance rather than external acclaim. Nafousi highlights that confident people often face backlash, which instills fear in others about appearing too confident.
External Validation Can Become an Addiction, Undermining Authentic Self-Perception and Self-Acceptance
Nafousi and Shetty discuss how today's society overemphasizes external validation. Nafousi suggests that while some validation is necessary for improvement, society has taken it too far, with others' opinions often mattering more than one's own. They discuss the detrimental mental impact of equating social media likes with self-worth and how it can lead to altered perceptions and self-doubt. Nafousi notes that everyone experiences issues with confidence and that it's crucial to share these feelings to build vulnerability and c ...
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The Psychology of Confidence and Self-Worth
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Counterarguments
- While confidence is often rooted in self-worth, some argue that external validation can play a role in building and maintaining confidence, especially when it comes from trusted and respected sources.
- Confidence can sometimes require a balance between internal self-worth and external feedback, as constructive criticism can help individuals grow and improve.
- The idea that confidence is quiet and stable may not encompass all personality types; for some, confidence can be expressed in more extroverted and dynamic ways.
- The belief in divine timing might not resonate with everyone, especially those who believe more in self-determination and control over one's destiny.
- The notion that sharing feelings of low confidence can foster connection might not apply in all contexts, as some cultures or environments may stigmatize the expression of vulnerability.
- The assertion that success, fame, or wealth do not guarantee confidence could be nuanced by acknowledging that these factors can indeed boost confidence for some individuals, even if temporarily or superficially.
- The idea that true confidence comes from within might overlook the complexity of human psychology, where both internal and external factors can significantly influence one's self-perception and ...
Actionables
- You can create a "confidence journal" where you document daily actions that align with your values, not the outcomes. This practice helps you focus on internal approval rather than external validation. For example, if you value kindness, write down an instance where you helped someone without expecting anything in return, and reflect on how that aligns with your self-worth.
- Start a "compliment reflection" routine where, for every external compliment you receive, you find a corresponding quality or achievement in yourself to celebrate. This could be as simple as acknowledging your effort in a project when someone compliments your work, reinforcing the idea that your self-worth is not solely dependent on others' opinion ...
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Overcoming Insecurities and Negative Thought Patterns
Shetty and Roxie Nafousi address the crucial impact of one's mentality on their personal life and growth, exploring the ways to overcome insecurities and negative thought patterns.
Master Your Thoughts First, as Negative Beliefs Entrench and Shape Reality Over Time
Shetty shares Nafousi's insight from her first chapter "Master Your Thoughts," emphasizing how the mind can be a place of freedom or confinement and the importance of mastering thoughts in shaping one’s reality. He discusses the 'heckle' from the mind that symbolizes persistent negative self-talk, suggesting the necessity of mastering one's thoughts to prevent negative beliefs from taking root. Nafousi points out that repetitive thoughts grow into beliefs, which further act as filters for our interactions and experiences. She illustrates this using the example of someone who believes they aren't good with people and how this belief causes them to misinterpret social cues at a dinner party negatively.
Our Minds: The "Heckler" Undermining Our Abilities
Nafousi refers to our minds as a sort of “heckler,” always booing and causing us doubt, which can diminish our potential and performance. Shetty reflects on the inner critic as not an inherent aspect of ourselves but rather a voice that has become rehearsed and habitual over time. Shetty also touches on the Buddha's concept of the "second arrow" where the narratives we create, often based on our insecurities, act as our self-inflicted wounds.
Transform Mindset By Replacing Negative Self-Talk With Self-Compassion and "Higher Self" Perspective
Nafousi advocates for considering the 'higher self' as our most empowered version and suggests envisioning our ideal self without fears and doubts. She recommends making decisions based on what one’s 'higher self' would do throughout daily routines. Shetty concurs, suggesting that acknowledging daily wins can counteract negative self-talk and that shifting our inner conversation can change the inner critic's voice to a more positive one.
Writing Motivational Messages Can Empow ...
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Overcoming Insecurities and Negative Thought Patterns
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While mastering thoughts is important, it's also necessary to recognize that some negative beliefs may be rooted in real experiences or systemic issues that require more than just thought management to address.
- The concept of a "higher self" might not resonate with everyone, and some individuals may find alternative frameworks for self-improvement more effective or relatable.
- The idea that we can simply choose to adopt a more positive inner voice may oversimplify the complexities of mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, which can significantly affect one's thought patterns and self-talk.
- The effectiveness of motivational messages and affirmations can vary greatly among individuals, and some may find these techniques less helpful or even superficial if not combined with other therapeutic or supportive measures.
- The notion of treating oneself with the understanding and encouragement one would give to a child might not be suitable for everyone, as it could potentially undermine personal responsibility or the complexity of adult challenges.
- The emphasis on self-improvement and personal growth can inadvertently contribute to a culture of relentless self ...
Actionables
- Create a "mindset shift jar" where you write down negative thoughts on pieces of paper and replace them with positive affirmations. Each time you catch yourself thinking negatively, jot it down and drop it in the jar. Then, write a positive, empowering statement on the other side of the paper. This physical act of transforming negative thoughts can help reinforce the mental shift to a more positive mindset.
- Develop a "higher self" avatar in a creative medium like drawing, writing, or digital design. Imagine what your empowered self looks like, what qualities they possess, and how they handle challenges. Whenever you face a difficult situation, consult this avatar and ask yourself, "What would my higher self do?" This can help guide your decisions and actions in a more confident and self-compassionate direction.
- Start a "daily wins" digital scrapb ...
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Speaker's Journey With Body Image and Mental Health
Roxie Nafousi opens up about her personal battle with body image and her mental health journey, offering an intimate glimpse into living with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and how she found help through therapy, medication, and a shift in perspective.
Severe Body Dysmorphia: Intense Disgust and Revulsion Towards Appearance
Nafousi’s story begins at the young age of seven, when she already felt a profound sense of being "really ugly, monstrous." During her pregnancy at 28, which followed her giving up drugs, Nafousi’s BDD intensified. She felt disgust when she looked at herself in the mirror, avoided leaving the house, and believed she was too grotesque to be seen. Her obsession with being perceived as ugly was all-consuming, driving her to anxiety and panic attacks, particularly when faced with the prospect of being on camera.
BDD Is a Debilitating Disorder Causing Avoidance, Self-Negativity, and Suicidal Thoughts
BDD tormented Nafousi with severe inner criticism and anxiousness, physically manifesting as anxiety and causing her to avoid enjoyable activities. This intense self-criticism was especially prevalent during periods of fatigue and stress and was part of an anxiety disorder intertwined with deep-seated feelings of revulsion and being "disgusting."
Cosmetic Procedures Didn't Resolve Mental Health Issues; Help Found Through Therapy, Medication, and Perspective Shift
Despite undergoing cosmetic procedures like rhinoplasty, [restricted term], and fillers in an effort to silence the negative internal dialogue, Nafousi found that these did not solve her mental health struggles. After sinus surgery, she decided to have rhinoplasty at the same time, thinking it might eliminate her self-hatred. However, the surgery did not change how she felt about herself, and she felt the same or worse after.
The real shift came when Nafousi realized that external changes would not amend her deeply ingrained thought patterns. She began to address her challenges internally, using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and anti-anxiety medication, which she describes as life-changing. Nafousi stresses that it is crucial for those considering surgery to also address any deeper issues that might require healing.
Sharing Mental Health Struggles Can Inspire Others and Help Destigmatize These Issues
Initially hesitant to discuss her struggles with BDD for fear of being perceived as vain, Nafousi eventually recognized the importance of speaking publicly about her ...
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Speaker's Journey With Body Image and Mental Health
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Actionables
- You can start a personal journal to track your feelings and thoughts about your appearance, noting patterns and triggers that may indicate a deeper issue like BDD. By writing down your experiences daily, you'll have a clearer picture of your mental state and can identify when it might be time to seek professional help, similar to how Nafousi found therapy beneficial.
- Create a "positivity portfolio" with photos, compliments, and achievements that make you feel good about yourself, to counteract negative self-perception. Whenever you're feeling down about your appearance, go through this portfolio to remind yourself of your worth beyond physical looks, fostering a healthier self-image over time ...
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Practical Steps and Habits For Building Confidence
Confidence is a trait that can be cultivated and strengthened over time. These practical steps and habits can guide individuals in their journey to becoming more self-assured.
Counter Self-Criticism By Celebrating Wins and Recognizing Uniqueness
Cultivating Self-Appreciation Over Flaw Focus Gradually Shifts Mindset
Jay Shetty shares the importance of celebrating personal achievements as a simple yet effective method for countering self-doubt. He notes the typical unease people have with recognizing their own successes, an attitude that could undermine self-confidence. Acknowledging one's efforts and results is crucial to counter self-criticism. Roxie Nafousi adds that celebrating the everyday qualities that make individuals unique is beneficial. She recommends writing down these unique traits, embracing the nuances and quirks that define a person's individuality, as one would in a personal CV. Nafousi also discusses the importance of self-encouragement, highlighting that self-appreciation and positive reinforcement play a significant role in shaping one's mindset and performance.
Accepting It's Impossible to Be Liked by Everyone Can Free You From the Burden Of People-Pleasing
View Conflicts as Energy Mismatches to Maintain Self-Acceptance
Nafousi agrees with the sentiment that striving to please everyone is an addiction and an impossible task. She finds the concept of not trying to be liked by everyone as liberating, advising against concern for others' opinions. This mindset can significantly reduce the burden of people-pleasing and prevent the creation of negative narratives based on others' actions—a process Shetty refers to as the second arrow, which only adds unnecessary pain.
Additionally, Nafousi suggests regarding interpersonal conflicts as results of energy mismatches rather than personal failures, encouraging acceptance rather than overthinking or rumination. By watching one's own judgments and shifting to compassion, individuals can feel freer to be thems ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Practical Steps and Habits For Building Confidence
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Counterarguments
- While celebrating personal achievements can counter self-doubt, it's also important to balance this with humility and an awareness of one's limitations to avoid developing overconfidence or arrogance.
- Acknowledging one's efforts and results is important, but it should be complemented with constructive criticism to foster growth and improvement.
- Writing down and embracing unique personal qualities is beneficial, but it's also crucial to recognize that personal growth often involves changing or improving certain aspects of oneself.
- Self-appreciation and positive reinforcement are valuable, but they should not lead to complacency or a lack of motivation to seek self-improvement.
- While it's true that trying to be liked by everyone is futile, it's also important to maintain social relationships and consider others' feedback, as it can be valuable for personal and professional development.
- Viewing conflicts as energy mismatches can help maintain self-acceptance, but it's also important to address and resolve conflicts when possible, rather than dismissing them.
- Shifting from judgment to compassion is beneficial, but there are situations where critical judgment is necessary and appropriate.
- While the impact one has on others is important, neglecting one's physical appearance can sometimes have unintended negative conseque ...
Actionables
- Create a "Success Snapshot" album on your phone where you capture a photo or a short video every time you achieve something, no matter how small, to visually celebrate your wins and counter self-doubt.
- This could be a picture of a finished report, a snapshot of a message where someone thanked you, or a selfie after a workout. When you're feeling low on confidence, scroll through this album to remind yourself of your achievements and unique qualities.
- Start a "No Validation" challenge with a friend where you both commit to one action daily that aligns with your true selves, regardless of others' opinions, and share your experiences at the end of the day.
- This could involve wearing an outfit you love but think others might not, choosing a lunch spot without asking for anyone's input, or turning down a social invite to spend time on a hobby. Sharing these moments with a friend can help reinforce the liberating feeling of not seeking external validation.
- Implement a "Compassion Swap" where, for every judgmental thought you have about yourself or someone else, you replace it with ...
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