In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, divorce lawyer James Sexton and Shetty examine the complexities of modern marriage. They discuss the paradox of why people continue to marry despite high divorce rates, and explore how successful marriages are built through consistent small acts of care, regular communication, and the willingness to have difficult conversations.
The discussion covers how divorce affects men and women differently, including financial and social challenges faced by both parties. Sexton and Shetty address common relationship pitfalls, such as rigid viewpoints during marriage and divorce, unrealistic expectations for change, and the impact of parental conflict on children. Their conversation provides insights into maintaining healthy relationships and navigating marriage challenges.

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In a thought-provoking discussion, James Sexton and Jay Shetty explore the complexities of marriage and its paradoxical nature. Sexton points out that over 50% of marriages end in divorce, with potentially 70% being unsuccessful when including unhappy marriages. Despite these statistics, 86% of divorced individuals remarry within five years, highlighting humanity's persistent desire for connection.
Sexton emphasizes that successful marriages thrive on consistent small acts of care and attention. He notes that seemingly trivial gestures, like replenishing a partner's favorite food or doing dishes unprompted, build and maintain deep connections. Both Sexton and Shetty stress the importance of addressing potential issues early and embracing vulnerability in relationships. They suggest that regular check-ins and the courage to have uncomfortable conversations are vital for maintaining a healthy marriage.
According to Sexton, divorce affects men and women differently. Men often face financial challenges through high support payments and may struggle with custody arrangements due to societal biases. Women, on the other hand, frequently encounter judgment about their parenting and face more difficulty finding new relationships. Sexton emphasizes that staying together "for the children" can be more harmful than divorce itself, as parental conflict rather than separation causes the most damage to children.
Sexton warns against rigid viewpoints during marriage and divorce, where partners see themselves as entirely right and their spouse as completely wrong. He suggests that successful relationships require accepting that neither partner is perfect and that expecting significant changes after marriage is unrealistic. Instead, couples should view marriage as a journey of growth and mutual support, working together to identify blind spots while celebrating each other's positive qualities.
1-Page Summary
James Sexton and Jay Shetty explore the complexities of marriage, a contract that remains popular despite its significant risks.
Sexton shares a somber view of marriage, noting its high failure rate, with over 50% ending in divorce. He hints at a more troubling statistic by suggesting that if we include those who remain married but unhappy, the fail rate could be around 70%. Sexton also calls attention to the paradox of remarriage, highlighting that 86% of divorced individuals remarry within five years, a testament to the enduring human desire for connection.
Given the high divorce rate, Sexton suggests that marriage might be seen as a negligent or reckless activity because of the likelihood of ending in heartbreak. Despite inevitable endings in death or divorce, he acknowledges the bravery it takes to love and marry, as well as the pain that accompanies losing someone you love.
Sexton acknowledges the beauty and excitement of weddings but cautions that wedding planning can mask the true challenges of long-term marriage. He expresses the sentiment that saying "I do" is not the same as saying "I can," and suggests that people should have a more realistic view of what marriage entails. Sexton and Shetty remark that many spend more time enthralled with the ceremonial aspects of weddings than they do in preparing for the practicalities of living together as spouses.
In Sexton’s view, marriage is one of the most significant legal contracts a person can enter into, yet it’s often undertaken with little understanding of its legal implications. He advocates for premarital education so that people fully grasp the consequences of the marriage contract.
Sexton reflects on his experience with clients who are unprepared to discuss the practicalities of a prenuptial agreement, despite their confidence in their relationships. He suggests that everyone effectively has a prenup and emphasizes the necessity of writing one's own rules for the marriage in case it ends in something other than death.
Marriage Paradox: Why Marry Despite High Divorce Risk
Achieving a successful marriage hinges on communication, vulnerability, and a deep sense of connection. Experts weigh in on the subtle indicators and strategies that can foster a strong, resilient partnership.
James Sexton and other contributors discuss the essence of feeling 'seen' by one's partner, emphasizing that small but consistent acts of care are foundational yet often neglected over time.
The significance of small gestures, such as replenishing a partner’s favorite granola, serve as pivotal yet silent affirmations of being seen and cared for within the relationship. Over time, these gestures can wane, spelling a decline in marital connection, as depicted in the account of the woman who noticed the lack of granola as a metaphor for her fading marriage.
James Sexton spotlights these small acts, like doing dishes without being asked, which, though seemingly trivial, cumulatively build and reaffirm a deep, enduring bond. He suggests that expressing praise consistently, like saying to one’s wife, “I married the prettiest girl in the world,” can have profound impacts on maintaining a sense of connection.
Sexton and Shetty emphasize the need to recognize and address potential issues early in the relationship. Sexton draws parallels between the unconditional acceptance in marriage and the love parents have for their children. He implies that seeing a partner fully and continuing to love them is crucial. Sexton’s personal appreciation for his partner’s care comes when he asks for help and receives an over-and-above response, reinforcing the bond through vulnerability.
Within the marriage dynamic, sharing fears, insecurities, and emotional needs openly and constructively nurtures intimacy.
Acknowledging each other's distinct experiences, desires, and fears is paramount. Sexton speaks on the necessity of vulnerability, equating it with the discipline of opting for a deeper connection over short-term avoidance of conflict. It involves bravely tackling the right, albeit difficult, conversations and leaning into a level of intimacy where one can feel fully known and still loved.
Shetty acknowledges the struggle against ego that can inhibit expressing vulnerability. Sexton similarly grapples with asking for help, noting that doing so and receiving a loving response consolidates trust and emotional closeness. Embracing transparency in weekly check-ins, discussing what makes one feel less loved, or where their partner may have erred, serves as a conduit for continual improvement and maintenance of a healthy marriage.
Cultivating the courage to venture into uncomfortable discussions is vital for deepening marital connections. Sexton advises structured conversations where partners constructively critique and affirm one another in love, fortifying the relationship. Having non-defensive dialogues about mundane life aspects, and prenuptial ...
Successful Marriage: Communication, Vulnerability, Connection
Divorce lawyer James Sexton discusses the distinct challenges and societal biases faced by men and women during and after a divorce, emphasizing the need for awareness around the emotional and legal complexities involved.
Sexton acknowledges that men can face significant financial hardship due to high child support and alimony awards. He also notes that courts may overlook men's potential as good custodial parents due to flawed presumptions that women are inherently better caregivers. This perception can potentially limit men's time with their children post-divorce. Sexton's wealthiest client, worth about $8 billion, is not shielded from the difficulties of divorce, implying economic status does not prevent financial hardship in high-stakes divorces.
On the other hand, Sexton illustrates that societal biases affect divorced women differently. For instance, if a divorced woman sees her children on a limited basis, judgments are made about her parenting capabilities. Sexton indicates that divorced men have better relationship prospects, as younger women and women with similar life experiences may be open to dating them. Divorced women, regardless of their positive attributes, might be seen as having "baggage." However, Sexton acknowledges that there are men who successfully form relationships with divorced women, sometimes leading to remarriage and blended families.
Sexton refers to "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce," which shows that parental conflict, not the divorce itself, is what's most damaging to children. Loyalty binds and exposure to conflict can create a harmful environment for children. Shetty and Sexton agree that unhealthy post-divorce communication and negative messaging about the ex-spouse can adversely affect the children.
While divorce may change family dynamics, it does not necessarily have to end healthy co-parenting. Sexton emphasizes the importance of both parents navigating their relationship and behavior towards each other in healthier ways to prevent emotional harm to their children and to avoid parental ...
Impact and Realities of Divorce on Men and Women
Relationship experts like James Sexton and Jay Shetty discuss the negative effects that ego, control, and unrealistic expectations can have on relationships, leading to communication breakdowns, conflict, and potentially damaging separations.
Sexton suggests that having the mindset that neither partner is a hero nor a villain in their marriage story contributes to healthier dynamics. However, he warns that rigid viewpoints during a divorce, where one partner sees themselves as completely in the right ("I've got a halo") and the other as entirely in the wrong ("they've got horns"), can hinder healthy communication and the ability to resolve conflicts amicably.
The collapse of the settlement over something as trivial as a toaster oven exemplifies how the ego and the desire for control can interfere with rational communication. The fixation on winning, even at a financial or personal cost, obstructs conflict resolution. Additionally, Sexton indicates that the desire to "win" in divorce undermines the goal of an amicable separation.
Sexton shares the thought that believing a partner will change after marriage is deceiving oneself. He suggests that it's unrealistic to expect significant changes in a person’s character after marriage and stresses that couples ought to accept changes and adapt together.
Sexton warns that it is a lie to assume that one's partner will never improve their flaws. Instead, he advises that partners should help each other identify blind spots, celebrate each other's positive qualities, and forgive weaknesses.
Sexton discusses the falsehood of expecting things in a relationship to remain constant and the need for couples to grow together. This is juxtaposed against clinging to an idealized version of a relationship that doesn’t allow for personal development or adapts to life’s changes.
Ego, Control, and Unrealistic Expectations in Damaging Relationships
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