6 Lessons I Wish I Knew in My 20’s & 30’s (This Will INSTANTLY Give You Direction!)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty explores the key lessons he learned in his 20s and 30s about achieving both success and happiness. He addresses common misconceptions about success, explaining how focusing on daily routines and processes matters more than fixating on outcomes. Through examples from successful athletes like Michael Phelps and Simone Biles, Shetty illustrates the importance of consistent effort over instant results.
The episode breaks down the distinction between external success and internal happiness, offering practical strategies for building genuine confidence and resilience. Shetty frames early adulthood as a time for exploration and emotional growth rather than having everything figured out. He provides guidance on developing emotional tools, setting boundaries, and viewing mistakes as valuable learning experiences rather than personal failures.
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1-Page Summary
Mindset Shifts for Sustainable Growth and Fulfillment
Jay Shetty presents a framework for achieving both success and happiness by focusing on process, internal satisfaction, and integrity.
The Power of Process Over Outcomes
Shetty emphasizes that true success lies in embracing the daily grind rather than fixating on outcomes. He points to successful figures like Michael Phelps, Cristiano Ronaldo, and Simone Biles, who prioritize consistent effort and sacrifice over instant success. Rather than comparing ourselves to others' highlight reels, Shetty suggests focusing on creating routines that align with our personal values.
Understanding Success vs. Happiness
According to Shetty, success and happiness are distinct concepts. While success manifests externally through recognition and achievements, happiness stems from internal factors like alignment and inner peace. He advocates for defining success as a balance between tangible accomplishments and personal fulfillment.
Building Confidence Through Integrity
Shetty argues that genuine confidence comes from consistently following through on self-commitments and facing discomfort. He recommends separating identity from outcomes by using language that distinguishes between unsuccessful attempts and personal failure.
Practical Strategies for Building Resilience
In discussing rejection and personal transformation, Shetty explains that most rejections reflect probability and circumstance rather than personal worth. He notes that growth often involves discomfort, with progress shown through fewer emotional triggers, better emotional regulation, and reduced need for external closure.
Navigating Your 20s and 30s
Shetty frames the 20s and 30s as a period for exploration and emotional data collection rather than having everything figured out. He emphasizes developing emotional tools like boundaries and self-forgiveness over seeking external validation. Instead of viewing this time as a final exam, Shetty encourages seeing it as an initiation into wisdom, where mistakes and lessons are valuable parts of the journey.
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Counterarguments
- While focusing on the process is beneficial, outcomes are also important as they provide measurable goals and can motivate individuals to strive for excellence.
- Routine and sacrifice are valuable, but flexibility and adaptability can also be crucial for success, especially in rapidly changing environments.
- Comparing oneself to others can sometimes serve as motivation and benchmarking, helping individuals set goals and understand where they stand in their field.
- Success and happiness may not always be as distinct as presented; for some, success may directly contribute to happiness, and vice versa.
- Balancing tangible accomplishments with personal fulfillment is ideal, but the weight given to each can vary greatly among individuals, with some finding fulfillment primarily through their achievements.
- Confidence stemming from integrity is important, but confidence can also come from other sources, such as positive reinforcement, achievements, and social support.
- While it's beneficial to separate identity from outcomes, some individuals may find that their personal identity is closely tied to their work or achievements, and this does not necessarily lead to a lack of confidence.
- Rejections might sometimes be due to personal factors that can be improved upon, and not always just probability and circumstance.
- Emotional regulation and resilience are important, but seeking external closure can sometimes be a healthy part of processing experiences and shouldn't always be viewed negatively.
- While exploration is key in one's 20s and 30s, having clear goals and a sense of direction can also be beneficial and provide a sense of purpose.
- Seeking external validation is often portrayed negatively, but it can also be a part of healthy social interactions and personal development when balanced with self-validation.
- Viewing early adulthood as an initiation into wisdom is a positive perspective, but it's also important to acknowledge that wisdom can be gained at any stage of life, not just during a specific age range.
Actionables
- Start a "process journal" to document daily efforts and reflect on how they align with your values, rather than just the outcomes. Each evening, jot down the tasks you've completed, focusing on the effort you put in and how they relate to your core values. For example, if one of your values is health, note the healthy meals you prepared or the exercise you did, regardless of any immediate physical changes.
- Create a "rejection portfolio" to normalize and learn from rejections. Whenever you face rejection, write it down in a dedicated notebook along with the context and any external factors that may have influenced the outcome. This practice helps you see rejection as a statistical likelihood rather than a personal failure. For instance, if you applied for a job and didn't get it, note the number of applicants and the possible mismatch of skills, which can often be out of your control.
- Develop a "20s and 30s roadmap" that emphasizes exploration and emotional learning. Use a digital or physical planner to set monthly personal growth goals that focus on exploring new hobbies, emotional learning, and developing emotional tools. For example, you might set a goal to try a new activity like improv comedy to enhance your emotional expression, or to read a book on emotional intelligence to build your emotional toolkit.
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Mindset Shifts for Sustainable Growth and Fulfillment
For individuals seeking both success and happiness, Jay Shetty presents a transformative framework focused on the process, internal satisfaction, and integrity.
Embrace the Process, Not Just the Outcomes
Obsession with outcomes can lead to misery. In the quest for achievement, many are bombarded with others' highlight reels. However, rarely does one consider whether they actually desire the process required for those results.
True Strength Comes From the Grind, Not Just Results. Successful People Endure Setbacks and Make Sacrifices For Their Goals
Notable figures like Michael Phelps and Cristiano Ronaldo prioritize daily grind and sacrifices over instant success. Phelps swam every single day for six years while Ronaldo's routine includes meticulous training and a strict diet. Similarly, Simone Biles devotes six hours to training each day, focusing equally on mental and physical preparation. These successful individuals continue to show up and endure losses, demonstrating that strength emerges from enduring hardships, not just the accolades.
Avoid Comparing Your Behind-The-scenes to Others' Highlight Reels. Focus On Designing a Life and Routine That Aligns With Your Values and Aspirations, Not What Looks Impressive to Others
Envy emerges when comparing the polished success of others against one's own life. Instead of idolizing someone else's success, it's critical to dwell on whether one would genuinely enjoy their daily routine and sacrifices. If the answer is negative, it's time to stop idolizing and start cherishing one's own journey.
Differentiate Between Success and Happiness
Jay Shetty delineates the distinction between outward success and inherent happiness, noting the possibility of achieving societal goals yet feeling unfulfilled.
Success Is External; Happiness Is Internal
Success—comprising applause, recognition, and achievements—is oftentimes external, whereas happiness is rooted internally, intertwining alignment, gratitude, and inner peace.
Define Success By Balancing Tangible Achievements With Inner Peace
Shetty urges defining success by creating a harmony between tangible accomplishments and self-fulfillment. By heeding the soft-spoken inner voice of intu ...
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Mindset Shifts for Sustainable Growth and Fulfillment
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Clarifications
- Obsessing over outcomes means focusing only on the end result, like winning a race, without enjoying or valuing the effort it takes to get there. Desiring the process means finding satisfaction in the daily actions and learning involved, such as training and improving skills. This mindset helps maintain motivation and resilience when results are delayed or setbacks occur. It shifts attention from external rewards to internal growth and fulfillment.
- "Behind-the-scenes efforts" refer to the hard work, struggles, and daily routines that are not usually visible to others. "Highlight reels" are curated, polished moments of success or happiness often shared publicly, especially on social media. People tend to compare their own full, unfiltered experiences to others' selective, impressive snapshots. This can create unrealistic expectations and feelings of inadequacy.
- External success refers to achievements recognized by others, such as awards, money, or status. Internal happiness is a personal sense of contentment and peace, independent of outside approval. For example, someone may earn a high salary (external success) but feel stressed or unfulfilled (lack of internal happiness). True fulfillment often requires nurturing both external accomplishments and inner well-being.
- Listening to intuition means paying attention to your inner feelings and instincts rather than just logical analysis. It involves trusting subtle signals from your subconscious that guide you toward choices aligned with your true self. This practice helps reveal what genuinely resonates with your values and desires. Over time, tuning into intuition can lead to greater clarity and emotional fulfillment.
- In this context, "integrity" means consistently acting in alignment with your own values and promises, even when it's difficult. It involves honesty with yourself and following through on commitments without external pressure. Integrity builds trust in your own reliability, which strengthens confidence. This internal consistency reduces dependence on others' approval.
- The advice to "avoid promises" means refraining from making rigid commitments that create pressure or fear of failure. Instead, focus on setting intentions or goals that allow flexibility and learning. This approach reduces anxiety and helps maintain self-trust even if outcomes differ from expectations. It encourages growth without harsh self-judgment tied to unmet promises.
- Separating identity from results means recognizing that your worth as a person is not defined by your successes or failures. Psychologically, this helps reduce fear of failure and encourages learning from mistakes without self-judgment. It promotes a growth mindset, where effort and progress matter more than fixed outcomes. This approach supports resilience and emotional well-being by preventing negative self-labeling.
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Counterarguments
- While embracing the process is important, outcomes also matter as they provide measurable benchmarks for progress and can motivate individuals to set and achieve goals.
- The daily grind and sacrifices are indeed crucial for success, but it's also important to recognize that not everyone has the same capacity for endurance or the same opportunities to make those sacrifices.
- Comparing oneself to others can be detrimental, but it can also serve as motivation and provide a benchmark for setting personal goals and standards.
- Success and happiness being distinct is a nuanced concept; for some, success may directly contribute to their happiness, and the two are not always mutually exclusive.
- Defining success by balancing achievements with inner peace is subjective and may not apply universally; some individuals may find fulfillment in the pursuit of success regardless of the level of inner peace it brings.
- The idea that confidence is built through personal commitments can overlook external factors tha ...
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Practical Habits and Strategies For Building Confidence, Resilience
Jay Shetty shares insights on how individuals can build resilience and confidence by reframing their approach to rejection and embracing the discomfort of personal transformation.
Reframe Rejection as Redirection, Not Personal Failure
Shetty emphasizes that rejection should not be taken as a personal failure but rather seen as an aspect of probability and misalignment.
Rejections Aren't About Your Worth, but Probability and Misalignment
Most rejections in areas such as dating, work, or life occur due to statistical reasons rather than personal inadequacy, Shetty explains. He cites the concept of base rate neglect from behavioral economics, which suggests that people often overlook the probability of events and interpret rejection as a reflection of their self-worth. Shetty provides examples such as job applications with numerous candidates and romantic interests who may be emotionally unavailable to illustrate that rejection is often about the situation, not the individual.
Practice Detaching Emotions From Evidence, Tolerate "Micro-Rejections," and Remember Healing May Not Feel Like Progress
Shetty suggests adopting the practice of cognitive reframing to assess whether a rejection is truly about personal deficiency or if it's more likely a matter of statistics. This helps maintain perspective and regulate emotional responses. He advises building resilience by experiencing 'micro-rejections' in scenarios with lower stakes, advising that feeling worse during healing is normal, as it can entail an 'extinction burst' where the brain initially fights against the change.
Embrace the Discomfort of Personal Transformation
Shetty discusses the psychological impact of personal transformation, highlighting that it often involves discomfort but that such feelings can indicate progress rather t ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Practical Habits and Strategies For Building Confidence, Resilience
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Base rate neglect is a cognitive bias where people ignore general statistical information (base rates) and focus on specific details instead. This leads to incorrect judgments because they overlook how common or rare an event actually is. For example, people might assume rejection means personal failure without considering how often rejection happens overall. Understanding base rates helps make more accurate assessments by balancing specific evidence with broader probabilities.
- Cognitive reframing is a mental technique that involves changing the way you interpret a situation to alter its emotional impact. Practically, it means consciously identifying negative or unhelpful thoughts and replacing them with more balanced or positive perspectives. For example, instead of thinking "I failed because I'm not good enough," you might reframe it as "This attempt didn't work, but I can learn and improve." This helps reduce emotional distress and promotes resilience by shifting focus from personal blame to constructive understanding.
- "Micro-rejections" are small, everyday instances of rejection that carry minimal consequences. Examples include asking a stranger for directions and being ignored or suggesting a casual plan that gets declined. These low-stakes scenarios help build emotional resilience by allowing individuals to experience and manage rejection without significant risk. Over time, this practice reduces fear and sensitivity to larger rejections.
- An extinction burst is a temporary increase in the intensity or frequency of a behavior when a previously reinforced behavior is no longer rewarded. In healing, it means emotional distress or negative feelings may intensify before improving. This happens because the brain resists letting go of old patterns. Recognizing this helps people stay committed to change despite short-term discomfort.
- The "disintegration phase" refers to a stage in personal growth where old mental and emotional patterns break down. This process can cause temporary discomfort as the brain adjusts to new ways of thinking and feeling. It is a necessary step before new, healthier habits and perspectives can form. This ph ...
Counterarguments
- While reframing rejection as redirection can be helpful, it may not always account for the complexity of emotions involved in rejection, and some individuals may need more support to manage these feelings.
- The idea that most rejections are due to statistical reasons might oversimplify the issue and not acknowledge cases where personal growth or change could positively affect outcomes.
- Cognitive reframing is a useful tool, but it may not be sufficient for everyone, especially those with deeper psychological issues that contribute to their reactions to rejection.
- The concept of "micro-rejections" could potentially lead to avoidance of meaningful risks or opportunities if misapplied as a way to stay within one's comfort zone.
- The notion that feeling worse is a normal part of healing might not apply to everyone and could be misinterpreted as a sign that no intervention is needed when, in fact, some individuals might require professional help.
- Personal transformation and the "disintegration phase" can be more complex and require more nuanced approache ...
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Navigating Rejection, Failure, and Personal Transformation
As individuals navigate their 20s and 30s, they often grapple with societal expectations and personal aspirations. Jay Shetty provides insights on how to handle this critical stage with self-compassion and a strong value system.
Prepare For Uncertainty in Your 20s and 30s
Shetty outlines the importance of recognizing the 20s and 30s as periods of exploration, experimentation, and emotional data collection, rather than a time to have it all figured out.
Exploration, Experimentation, and Emotional Data Collection Period
The 20s and 30s are not about creating and adhering to a stringent five-year plan but about embracing exploratory growth. Shetty suggests that during these decades, filled with firsts, it’s important to gather emotional data and gain experiences. Embracing uncertainty, these years should be viewed as an opportunity to try new things, fail, learn and reorient—not to win, but to learn.
Develop Emotional Tools Like Boundaries, Regulation, and Self-Forgiveness Instead of Seeking External Validation and Timelines
He stresses the significance of developing essential emotional tools over sticking to rigid timelines. Cultivating boundaries, emotional regulation, and self-forgiveness is more valuable than rigidly adhering to societal blueprints. Shetty reinforces that embracing uncertainty is crucial, as is learning from the experiences of your 20s and 30s rather than expecting to follow a flawless route.
Anchor to Your Values, Not Other People's Opinions
During these formative years, individuals are often inundated with external advice and judgment but staying true to one’s own desires and principles is vital for genuine fulfillment.
Bombarded With Advice and Judgment, Staying True to Your Desires and Principles Is Key
Shetty points out the importance of not choosing a partner or career simply for social approval. Instead, he sugg ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Navigating Rejection, Failure, and Personal Transformation
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While embracing uncertainty can be beneficial, some individuals may find that having a structured plan provides a sense of security and direction, which can be equally valuable for personal growth and mental health.
- The emphasis on exploration and experimentation might not be feasible for everyone, especially those with financial constraints or family obligations that require a more stable and predictable lifestyle.
- The idea of not adhering to societal timelines can be challenging in cultures where certain milestones are deeply ingrained and deviation from them can lead to social ostracization or familial conflict.
- Emotional tools like boundaries and self-forgiveness are important, but they must be balanced with accountability and the understanding that some situations may require adherence to external standards, especially in professional environments.
- While it's important to stay true to one's own desires and principles, collaboration and compromise are also key components of successful relationships and careers; sometimes external advice and judgment can provide valuable perspectives that should not be entirely dismissed.
- The notion of avoiding choices for social approval may not consider the complex interplay between individual desires and the influence of community and relationships on personal identity and decision-makin ...
Actionables
- You can create a "Yes Month" where you say yes to new and reasonable opportunities that come your way, helping you embrace uncertainty and learn from diverse experiences. Start by setting ground rules for what constitutes a reasonable opportunity, such as it doesn't cause harm to yourself or others and is within your financial means. For example, if a friend invites you to a dance class and you've never danced before, say yes and go. This practice will push you out of your comfort zone and allow you to collect emotional data from a variety of experiences.
- Develop a personal value compass by writing down your core values and using them to make decisions for a week. Reflect on these values daily and whenever you're faced with a choice, big or small, consult your value compass to guide your decision. For instance, if one of your values is creativity but your job doesn't allow for much of it, you might choose to start a small creative project on the side or even look for job opportunities that align better with this value.
- Start a rejection jou ...
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