How to Move On When You Still Miss Your Ex (4 Hard Truths That Will FINALLY Set You Free)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty explores the science behind why breakups are so difficult, explaining how they trigger responses in the brain similar to addiction withdrawal. He examines common misconceptions about healing after a breakup, including the idea that time alone heals all wounds and that seeking closure from an ex-partner will provide the answers we need.
Shetty presents strategies for moving forward after a relationship ends, including ways to manage social media exposure and shift perspective on the relationship's meaning. He discusses how missing an ex-partner can be reframed as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery, and explains why focusing on rebuilding one's individual identity is a crucial part of the healing process.
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1-Page Summary
Psychological and Neurological Reasons Breakups Are Hard
Jay Shetty explains that breakups trigger brain responses similar to addiction withdrawal. When we're in love, our brains release [restricted term] and [restricted term], creating feelings of happiness and bonding. After a breakup, the body craves these neurochemical highs, leading to both emotional and physical pain.
Additionally, relationships involve the merging of identities, routines, and plans. When a relationship ends, people lose not just their partner but also their sense of self within that partnership, prompting a need to reestablish individual identity.
Myths and Beliefs Keeping People Stuck In a Breakup
Shetty challenges several common misconceptions about breakup recovery. He explains that "time heals all wounds" is misleading because healing requires active engagement with emotions, not just passive waiting. He also notes that seeking closure from an ex-partner often proves futile, as no explanation can fully satisfy the need to feel valued.
Furthermore, Shetty confronts the misconception that moving on diminishes a relationship's authenticity. He compares relationships to seasonal changes, explaining that endings are natural parts of growth and don't invalidate the relationship's reality or meaning.
Healing and Moving Forward After a Breakup
Shetty offers practical strategies for recovery, emphasizing the importance of disconnecting from social media and old reminders of an ex-partner. He encourages shifting focus from "why didn't it work?" to "who was I becoming while trying?" This perspective change helps maintain focus on personal growth rather than dwelling on the past.
Self-Reflection and Rediscovery Post-Relationship
According to Shetty, missing an ex indicates they were a meaningful chapter in life, not necessarily destiny. He suggests transforming the question "why did this happen?" into "what is this pain teaching me?" to facilitate self-discovery. Shetty emphasizes that the most important relationship is the one with oneself, which exists before, during, and after any romantic partnership.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While breakups can indeed trigger responses similar to addiction withdrawal, not everyone experiences breakups with the same intensity. Individual differences in attachment styles, coping mechanisms, and life circumstances can influence the severity of a breakup's impact.
- The idea that relationships involve merging identities is not universal. Some individuals maintain a strong sense of independence and self within a relationship, which may make the reestablishment of individual identity post-breakup less challenging.
- Active engagement with emotions is important for healing, but the passage of time can also play a significant role in the healing process. Time can provide perspective and distance that may be difficult to achieve through immediate emotional work alone.
- While seeking closure from an ex-partner can be futile for some, others may find it a necessary step in their healing process. Closure can sometimes provide the understanding needed to move forward, even if it doesn't fully satisfy the need to feel valued.
- The comparison of relationships to seasonal changes might not resonate with everyone. Some individuals may view relationships as more foundational to their lives and not as something that can or should change with the seasons.
- Disconnecting from social media and old reminders of an ex-partner can be helpful, but for some, a complete disconnection might not be practical or beneficial. In some cases, maintaining a healthy connection to mutual friends or communities can be part of a balanced healing process.
- The shift in focus from "why didn't it work?" to "who was I becoming while trying?" may not be helpful for everyone. Understanding the reasons behind a relationship's failure can be crucial for some individuals to avoid repeating patterns in future relationships.
- The notion that missing an ex signifies a meaningful chapter rather than destiny can be comforting, but it may also oversimplify complex emotions and the significance of the relationship for some individuals.
- The emphasis on the relationship with oneself, while important, might not acknowledge the full value and impact of external relationships on personal growth and happiness. Humans are inherently social beings, and relationships with others can be just as important as the relationship with oneself.
Actionables
- Create a breakup recovery playlist that shifts from sorrow to empowerment, starting with songs that resonate with your feelings of loss and gradually moving to tunes that celebrate self-discovery and independence. This mirrors the emotional journey from grief to growth, using music as a therapeutic tool to process emotions and reinforce the narrative of personal evolution.
- Start a "growth journal" where you document not only your feelings about the breakup but also your daily personal achievements, insights, and areas of self-improvement. This practice helps you recognize your own development, shifting the focus from the past relationship to your individual journey and reinforcing the concept that you are more than your past relationships.
- Engage in a new solo hobby or activity that challenges you, such as learning a new language, taking up a sport, or mastering a craft. This not only distracts from the pain of the breakup but also builds new neural pathways and self-efficacy, reinforcing the idea that life continues to offer opportunities for growth and self-discovery post-breakup.
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Psychological and Neurological Reasons Breakups Are Hard
Breakups are challenging experiences that can create profound psychological and neurological effects, making it difficult for people to move on.
Breakups Trigger Brain Responses Similar to Addiction, Making It Hard to Let Go
Jay Shetty explains the science behind why people find breakups so difficult, drawing parallels between love and addiction. When we fall in love, our brains release chemicals like [restricted term] and [restricted term]. These chemicals are responsible for feelings of happiness, bonding, and attraction and are also tied to the mechanisms of addiction.
"[restricted term] and [restricted term] in Love; Breakup Triggers Withdrawal, Causing Emotional and Physical Pain."
The rush of [restricted term] and [restricted term] makes us feel wanted, seen, and chosen when we are with our partner. According to Shetty, after a breakup, individuals go through a withdrawal similar to an addiction, leading to both emotional and physical pain. The body craves the neurochemical highs it has become accustomed to, and without them, there is a sense of loss that can manifest as physical discomfort.
Breakups Disrupt Identity: Intertwined Plans, Routines, and Self-Perception
A significant aspect of being in a relationship involves the merging of one's life with another individual. Over time, partners' plans, routines, and even self-perceptions become intertwined, leading to the emergence of a c ...
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Psychological and Neurological Reasons Breakups Are Hard
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Clarifications
- [restricted term] is a neurotransmitter that drives reward-seeking behavior and reinforces pleasurable experiences. [restricted term] is a hormone that promotes social bonding, trust, and emotional connection. Together, they create feelings of attachment and motivation to maintain close relationships. Their absence after a breakup can cause withdrawal symptoms similar to those seen in addiction.
- Addiction involves the brain's reward system, where substances or behaviors trigger [restricted term] release, reinforcing the desire to repeat them. Over time, the brain adapts, requiring more stimulation to achieve the same pleasure, leading to cravings and withdrawal symptoms when absent. Love activates similar reward pathways, causing intense pleasure and attachment through [restricted term] and [restricted term] release. When love ends, the sudden lack of these chemicals causes withdrawal-like effects, making separation painful.
- Withdrawal refers to the physical and emotional symptoms experienced when the brain is deprived of chemicals it has become used to, like [restricted term]. In addiction, withdrawal causes discomfort because the brain craves the substance or activity that triggered these chemicals. Similarly, after a breakup, the sudden absence of a partner leads to a drop in [restricted term] and [restricted term], causing feelings of pain and distress. This process makes it hard to stop longing for the lost relationship.
- A "collective identity" in a relationship means partners start to see themselves as part of a shared unit rather than just individuals. This identity includes shared goals, habits, and ways of thinking shaped by the relationship. It influences how each person views themselves and their role in the partnership. Losing this identity after a breakup can feel like losing a part ...
Counterarguments
- While the text suggests that breakups trigger brain responses similar to addiction, it's important to note that not all individuals experience breakups with the same intensity. The addiction model may not fully capture the diverse range of experiences and coping mechanisms people have.
- The comparison between love and addiction might be seen as oversimplifying the complex emotions and attachments involved in romantic relationships. Love encompasses a broader spectrum of experiences and emotions than those associated with addiction.
- The idea that breakups disrupt identity assumes a strong interdependence between partners. However, some individuals maintain a strong sense of self throughout their relationships, which may make the reestablishment of identity post-breakup less challenging.
- The text implies that everyone seeks closure or a narrative rewrite after a breakup, but some individuals may move on without needing these processes. People's resilience and coping strategies can vary widely.
- The text does not accou ...
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Myths and Beliefs Keeping People Stuck In a Breakup
Jay Shetty dismantles common misconceptions surrounding the emotional recovery after the end of a relationship.
The Myth That "Time Heals all Wounds" Is Misleading, as Time Alone Doesn't Heal
Shetty explains that the aphorism "time heals all wounds" can be misguided because genuine healing hinges on active engagement with one's feelings. He mentions that while time does not erase memories or make pain vanish, it teaches one to live with what hurts and to lessen the influence of pain on daily life. Shetty suggests that emotional attachments and hurtful thought patterns must be addressed instead of passively waiting for time to heal the pain.
Healing Requires Addressing Emotional Attachments and Thought Patterns, Not Just Time
Shetty emphasizes that distance from the event makes it less impactful, but surrounding oneself with reminders, such as incessantly scrolling through an ex-partner's social media, can prevent healing. He advises against indulging in behaviors that anchor one to the past.
Seeking "Closure" Through an Ex-partner's Explanations Is Often an Illusion, as No Answer Can Fully Satisfy the Need to Feel Valued and Seen
Shetty discusses the entrapment of seeking closure, explaining that answers from an ex-partner will never truly be satisfying because they do not address the underlying need to feel valued and seen. Instead, he recommends accepting that some endings may not come with explanations and asserts that closure is a process of personal growth and self-healing rather than obtaining conclusive answers.
Closure Stems From Accepting Undefined Endings and Focusing On Growth Over Answers
He posits that focusing on what the breakup can teach, rather than fixating on why it happened, fosters genuine closure. Shetty stresses that one should focus on personal growth and peace rather than endless pursuit of explanations.
The Narrative That Moving On Means the Relationship ...
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Myths and Beliefs Keeping People Stuck In a Breakup
Additional Materials
Clarifications
- Active engagement with one's feelings means consciously acknowledging and exploring emotions rather than ignoring or suppressing them. This can include journaling about feelings, talking to trusted friends or therapists, and practicing mindfulness to observe emotions without judgment. It also involves identifying and challenging negative thought patterns linked to the breakup. These actions help process pain and foster emotional healing.
- Emotional attachments are strong feelings that keep you connected to a person or past experience, even when it's harmful. Hurtful thought patterns are negative beliefs or repetitive thoughts, like blaming yourself or imagining worst-case scenarios. For example, constantly checking an ex’s social media or thinking "I’m unlovable" are both obstacles to healing. Recognizing and changing these helps break the cycle of pain and promotes recovery.
- Constantly checking an ex-partner's social media keeps the brain focused on the past relationship, reinforcing emotional attachment. This behavior triggers repeated feelings of loss, jealousy, or hope, preventing emotional detachment. It also disrupts the process of forming new memories and moving forward. Avoiding such reminders helps the mind redirect energy toward healing and personal growth.
- Seeking closure from an ex-partner's explanations is often unsatisfying because emotional needs like feeling valued and understood are internal and cannot be fully met by external answers. People tend to project their own desires for validation onto these explanations, which may not align with the ex-partner's perspective or intentions. Additionally, cognitive biases and emotional pain can distort how explanations are received, making them feel incomplete or inadequate. True closure arises from self-reflection and acceptance rather than external validation.
- Closure is an internal process of coming to terms with an experience rather than receiving external validation or explanations. It involves accepting uncertainty and releasing the need for definitive answers. Closure helps restore emotional balance and allows a person to move forward with self-compassion. It is more about personal healing and growth than about resolving external circumstances.
- Personal growth after a breakup involves learning from the experience to understand oneself better and develop emotional resilience. Self-healing means actively processing feelings, forgiving oneself, and building healthier habits to move forward. It requires reflection, acceptance, and sometimes seeking support from friends or professionals. This process helps transform pain into strength and ...
Counterarguments
- While active engagement is crucial for healing, the role of time should not be completely dismissed; for some individuals, time does provide a necessary distance to process emotions more objectively.
- Emotional attachments and thought patterns are important, but healing can also involve practical steps such as creating new routines, seeking support from friends and family, or professional therapy.
- While seeking closure from an ex-partner might not always be satisfying, for some people, having a final conversation can provide a sense of finality and help them move on.
- The idea that closure comes from within might be too simplistic for complex emotional states; sometimes, external validation or understanding the perspective of the other person can be an important part of the healing process.
- The belief that moving on signifies a relationship's authenticity could be a subjective interpretation; some individuals might find that moving on quickly is a personal coping mechanism and does not necessarily reflect on the depth of their past relationship.
- The comparison of relationships to seasonal changes might not resonate with everyone, as some might view relationships as more permanent fixtures in thei ...
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Healing and Moving Forward After a Breakup: Strategies and Mindsets
Jay Shetty provides insights on how to navigate the difficult journey of healing after a breakup with strategies aiming at personal growth and recovery.
Disconnect From Social Media and Old Reminders of the Ex
Keeping a distance from social media and old reminders of your ex is an important step in the healing process. Shetty emphasizes that discontinuing exposure to these reminders, like "breadcrumbs," isn't a dramatic action but a necessary one for recovery. "Stop feeding the fantasy," he advises—out of sight is truly out of mind. The act of blocking out these triggers is a sign of strength, as it demonstrates a commitment to your healing and growth.
Shift From "why Didn't It Work?" to "Who Was I Becoming While Trying?"
Shetty encourages a shift in perspective from lamenting why the relationship didn't work to reflecting on the person you were becoming while you were in it. By asking, "To what version of me was I becoming while trying to make it work?" you can focus on personal growth and ensure that you continue evolving into a better version of yourself, or at least not returning to a lesser version. This mindset is vital for moving forward without harboring blame or regret.
Rebuild Routines and Rituals For Structure and Purpose Beyond the Lost Relationship
After a breakup, reestablishing a structured life with new routines is crucial for recovery. Shetty suggests that while heartbreak takes away structure, healing brings it back. He recommends starting new anchors and activities such as morning walks, gym sessions, therapy, and dinners with friends. Th ...
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Healing and Moving Forward After a Breakup: Strategies and Mindsets
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Counterarguments
- While disconnecting from social media can be helpful, it's not always practical or beneficial for everyone. Some individuals may find support and comfort from friends online or use social media professionally.
- Completely avoiding reminders of an ex might not be necessary for everyone's healing process. Some individuals may benefit from gradually facing and processing these reminders rather than avoiding them.
- The shift in focus from "why didn't it work?" to personal growth is valuable, but understanding the reasons for a relationship's failure can also be important for closure and learning for future relationships.
- Rebuilding routines and rituals is helpful, but it's also important to allow for flexibility. Over-structuring life after a breakup can sometimes lead to avoidance of dealing with emotions.
- While it's beneficial to let breakup pain fuel growth, it's also important to acknowledge that pain and grief are natural and sometimes need to be experienced without the pressure of having to transform them into something positive.
- F ...
Actionables
- Create a "growth journal" to document your evolution, focusing on the question "Who am I becoming?" each day. By writing daily entries that reflect on your personal development, you can shift your perspective from the past relationship to your current self-improvement journey. For example, note any new insights about your values, strengths, and areas for growth that have emerged since the breakup.
- Design a "new chapter" bucket list filled with activities and goals that align with your individual passions and interests. This can be a mix of short-term and long-term goals, such as learning a new language, taking a solo trip, or mastering a new skill. The act of pursuing these goals can help redefine your sense of self and create a new life rhythm independent of past relationships.
- Start a "feeling ...
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Self-Reflection and Rediscovery Post-Relationship
Shetty delves into the emotional journey of self-reflection and rediscovery after a breakup, emphasizing the importance of personal growth rather than the loss of a destined partner.
Missing an Ex Means They Were a Meaningful Chapter, Not Destiny
Remember Who You Were, Who You Became, and Who You Want to Be
Shetty notes that the qualities people cherish in relationships come from within and remain accessible even after a relationship ends. The love that was experienced can still be found independently. The journaling prompt "What did this relationship teach me about my needs, not my worth?" encourages individuals to reflect on personal growth and recognize that missing an ex signifies that the relationship was a meaningful chapter rather than one’s destiny. Shetty asserts that missing someone doesn't mean you’re destined for them; instead, it highlights that they occupied a significant part of your life and influenced personal change.
Shift the Question To "What Is This Pain Teaching Me?"
Mindset Turns Breakups Into Self-Discovery Catalysts, Not Endless Rumination
Shetty's approach transforms the question from why the relationship ended to "What is this pain teaching me?" proposing that reflecting on what the relationship has taught about one's needs is akin to seeking lessons in discomfort. By doing so, one can turn breakups into catalysts for self-discovery, rather than events that trigger endless rumination. “You're not behind in your healing, you're right on time for your transformation” casts ...
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Self-Reflection and Rediscovery Post-Relationship
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While qualities cherished in relationships may originate from within, it can be argued that relationships also help develop new qualities and attributes that might not have been realized or fostered in solitude.
- The assertion that love experienced in a relationship can be found independently may not resonate with everyone, as some individuals may feel that certain aspects of love are unique to shared experiences with a partner.
- The idea that missing an ex only signifies a meaningful chapter rather than destiny can be too definitive; for some, the concept of destiny in relationships is deeply rooted in cultural or personal beliefs.
- The suggestion to shift focus from the end of the relationship to the lessons learned might not be suitable for everyone, as some individuals may need to understand the reasons for closure before they can move on.
- The notion that breakups can be catalysts for self-discovery might not acknowledge the full spectrum of emotional challenges and complexities that some individuals face, which can sometimes lead to stagnation rather than growth.
- The concept of healing occurring in its own time may not consider the active efforts and intentional strategies that many find necessary to facilitate the healing process.
- Th ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal to document insights and lessons learned from past relationships, focusing on how they've shaped your understanding of your needs and desires. Start by writing down what you've discovered about yourself from each significant relationship, such as communication styles you prefer or personal boundaries you've established. This practice encourages ongoing self-reflection and reinforces the idea that every experience contributes to your self-awareness.
- Develop a "self-love roadmap" that outlines activities and habits that foster a strong sense of self-worth and independence. This might include setting aside time for hobbies that make you feel fulfilled, establishing a routine for self-care, or volunteering for causes that resonate with your values. By actively engaging in these practices, you reinforce the belief that fulfillment comes from within and that you are the primary source of your happiness.
- Use discomfort as a learning tool by setting up a "pain point diary" where you w ...
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