Gabrielle Bernstein: The Simple 4-Step Method to Heal Anxiety, Stop Overthinking, and Stop People-Pleasing for Good
In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Gabrielle Bernstein explains Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, a practice that helps people understand and show compassion toward different aspects of their personality. She describes how behaviors like anxiety, addiction, and people-pleasing are actually protective mechanisms that develop during childhood to shield us from trauma, and discusses how recognizing these "protector parts" can lead to better self-awareness.
Bernstein and Shetty explore how IFS can improve various aspects of life, from personal relationships to leadership roles. They discuss the importance of self-forgiveness and moving away from external validation, with Bernstein explaining how connecting with our "true self"—our wise and compassionate core—allows us to operate from a place of authenticity rather than being driven by protective mechanisms.
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1-Page Summary
Overview of IFS Therapy and Principles
Gabby Bernstein introduces Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy as a practice focused on understanding and showing compassion toward different parts of ourselves. She explains that what we might consider negative aspects of our personality—such as anxiety, addiction, or rage—are actually "protector parts" that developed in childhood to shield us from trauma. These parts, while not our core selves, serve as protection mechanisms that manifest in behaviors like people-pleasing or perfectionism.
Application of IFS in Growth, Relationships, and Leadership
Bernstein and Jay Shetty discuss how IFS serves as a practical framework for enhancing self-awareness and improving communication across various life domains. Bernstein explains that by recognizing our different parts, we can speak for them rather than as them, leading to more grounded personal expression. She shares how IFS has strengthened her own marriage by providing a shared language for communication, and describes its effectiveness in leadership contexts, where it helps high-performing entrepreneurs interact with their shadow parts and set clearer boundaries.
Role of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Validation, and Accessing "True Self"
According to Bernstein, self-forgiveness plays a crucial role in IFS therapy. She emphasizes treating our protective parts with the same compassion we would show a child, as this approach helps us access our "true self"—the wise and compassionate core of our being. Bernstein and Shetty both emphasize the importance of moving away from external validation, with Bernstein noting that everything we seek externally can be found within through spiritual practice and self-connection. Through this inner work, they suggest, individuals can operate from a place of love and authenticity rather than being driven by protective mechanisms.
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Counterarguments
- While IFS therapy can be powerful, it may not be the best approach for everyone. Some individuals may not resonate with the concept of multiple parts or may find other therapeutic models like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) more effective for their needs.
- The idea that all negative personality aspects are protector parts could be oversimplified. Some behaviors or traits may be the result of biological factors, personality, or learned behaviors not directly related to trauma.
- The emphasis on self-awareness and self-forgiveness might overlook the importance of addressing systemic issues or external factors that contribute to a person's mental health challenges.
- The concept of a "true self" can be seen as essentialist and may not align with certain philosophical or psychological perspectives that view the self as more fluid and constructed through social and relational contexts.
- The approach may not sufficiently address the needs of individuals with severe mental health disorders where medication or other interventions are necessary.
- The focus on internal work and finding validation within might inadvertently minimize the importance of community, relationships, and social support systems in personal growth and healing.
- The application of IFS in leadership and entrepreneurship may not address the complex dynamics of power, privilege, and structural inequalities that can affect these domains.
- The framework might be challenging to integrate into certain cultural contexts where the concept of individual parts may clash with collective or communal understandings of the self.
- IFS therapy requires a level of introspection and self-reflection that some individuals may find difficult, potentially limiting its accessibility and effectiveness for those who struggle with such processes.
Actionables
- Create a daily "part check-in" journal where you write down moments when different emotions or behaviors take over, and gently question what part of you they might represent. This practice can help you identify your protector parts and understand their intentions, leading to greater self-awareness. For example, if you notice a surge of anxiety before a meeting, you might write it down and later reflect on what part of you feels the need to be anxious and what it's trying to protect you from.
- Develop a "self-dialogue" habit by setting aside time each week to have an internal conversation with your protective parts, addressing them as you would a friend in need. This can foster self-compassion and help you negotiate healthier behaviors. For instance, if you recognize a tendency to people-please, you could internally discuss with that part why it feels the need to please others and explore alternative ways to fulfill its need for acceptance.
- Initiate a "boundary-setting" exercise where you identify one situation each week where your protective parts are influencing your actions, and consciously set a boundary to act from your true self instead. This can help you practice operating from a place of authenticity. If you find yourself overworking to meet perfectionist standards, decide on a time to stop working and stick to it, reinforcing the boundary that your well-being is more important than perfection.
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Overview of Ifs Therapy and Principles
Gabby Bernstein offers insights into Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), a practice that promotes understanding and compassion towards various parts of oneself, including those that one might dislike.
Ifs: Befriending and Accepting Our Activated Parts
Bernstein emphasizes the importance of recognizing the activated parts of ourselves, such as anxiety, addiction, or rage, as protection mechanisms.
Protector Parts Shield Us From Trauma
These mechanisms, known as "protector parts," developed from experiences in childhood to shield us from trauma and extreme emotions. They can manifest themselves as various behaviors and patterns, like people-pleasing or perfectionism, and are not who we are at the core but are parts of who we are.
Goal: Identify Protector Parts, Cultivate Compassion, and Access the True "Self."
Integrate Protector Parts With Understanding and Care In Ifs
Bernstein speaks about developing self-awareness to engage with one's protective parts with compassion and not judgment, viewing them with the same tenderness as one might treat a child with a need or fear. By doing so, one can start to self-soothe and reconnect with the "self"—a state where you feel connected and in the moment, without the triggers that protective parts create.
Jay Shetty inquires about self-judgment as a protector, a form of the inner critic. Bernstein replies by encouraging engagement with these critical parts with curiosity, showing them love and self-care rather than seeing them as aspects to eliminate.
Bernstein also acknowledges her own experience of expressing love and gratitude to her addict part, recognizing its role in ...
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Overview of Ifs Therapy and Principles
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Counterarguments
- While IFS emphasizes the importance of befriending and accepting all parts of oneself, some critics argue that not all behaviors or parts should be accepted, especially if they are harmful to oneself or others. There may be a need for change or intervention rather than just acceptance.
- The concept of protector parts is central to IFS, but some may argue that labeling parts of oneself as "protectors" can oversimplify complex mental health issues and potentially overlook the underlying causes or the need for more comprehensive treatment approaches.
- IFS posits that protector parts are not the core self but parts of the self. Critics might argue that this distinction can be confusing or misleading, as all parts, including protector parts, contribute to the makeup of an individual's identity and personality.
- The goal of accessing the true "self" in IFS could be seen as somewhat idealistic or vague. Critics might argue that the notion of a true "self" is philosophically contentious and that the self is constantly evolving and cannot be easily defined or accessed.
- The approach of treating protector parts with tenderness and without judgment may not be effective for everyone. Some individuals may require more structured or directive interventions, especially in cases of severe mental health issues.
- The practice of engaging with critical parts with curiosity and love may not resonate with everyone, and some may find it more effective to use other strategies to manage self-criticism, such as cognitive-behavioral techniques.
- The idea of expressing love and gratitude to protector parts, such as an addict part, might be controversial. Some may argue that this could inadvertently reinforce negative behaviors instead of addressing the root causes and working towards change.
- The practice suggested by Bernstein to c ...
Actionables
- Create a personal parts map by drawing a diagram that represents different aspects of your personality, labeling each one as a protector part or a core self-trait. This visual representation can help you see how various parts interact and which ones might be stepping in to protect you. For example, if you notice you often engage in people-pleasing, draw this as a part and consider what emotions or situations it's trying to protect you from.
- Start a daily "protector part" journal where you dedicate a few minutes each day to write down any strong emotions or reactions you experience, and then explore which part of you is active and what it might be protecting you from. This practice can help you recognize patterns over time. For instance, if you find yourself feeling anxious before meetings, you might identify a part that's trying to protect you from potential criticism.
- Dev ...
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Application of Ifs in Growth, Relationships, and Leadership
The adaptation of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy principles into various aspects of life, such as self-growth, relationships, and leadership, has been revolutionary. Gabby Bernstein and Jay Shetty discuss how IFS serves as a tool for enhancing self-awareness and improving communication.
Ifs Provides a Framework For Understanding Inner Experience, Enhancing Self-Awareness and Interpersonal Dynamics
Bernstein and Shetty delve into how IFS therapy provides a framework for individuals to understand and articulate their inner experiences.
Recognizing "Parts" and Speaking From Self Allows for More Grounded Expression
Bernstein draws on the principles of IFS to guide individuals through recognizing their "parts," such as the controller, the addict, or what she calls "knives out." According to Bernstein, acknowledging these parts allows one to speak for them rather than as them, leading to more grounded personal expression and enhanced self-awareness.
Using Ifs For Empathetic Communication and Co-regulation In Relationships
Bernstein highlights the use of IFS in empathetic communication and co-regulation, particularly in her own marriage. She utilizes IFS for couples therapy, showcasing how it has fortified her relationship by providing a shared language. Bernstein also casually engages with her child about his feelings to acquaint herself with his internal parts. By recognizing and honoring individual paths and work, Bernstein suggests that partners can rise and change together.
Leaders Fostering Self-Awareness and Decisions Through Ifs Model Boundaries and Inspire Community Change
Bernstein applies IFS concepts outside of personal relationships, discussing the transformation high-performing entrepreneurs undergo when they begin to interact with their shadow parts. She notes how tapping into the "self" energy fosters sustainable performance and better decision-making. Additionally, Bernstein emphasizes the significant role of IFS for leaders in setting clear boundaries and operating from a self-led perspective.
Bernstein's approach to IFS, as detailed in her book "Self-Help," simplifies the model to make it accessible for self-help practices, extending its benefits to work environments and community enrichment. She advocates for t ...
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Application of Ifs in Growth, Relationships, and Leadership
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Counterarguments
- While IFS can provide a useful framework for understanding inner experiences, it may not be the best approach for everyone, as individuals may resonate with different therapeutic models based on their personal experiences and preferences.
- Acknowledging internal "parts" can be beneficial, but without proper guidance, individuals might struggle to integrate these parts effectively, potentially leading to confusion or distress.
- The application of IFS in relationships assumes both partners are open and willing to engage with the model, which may not always be the case, and other methods might be necessary to facilitate communication and co-regulation.
- The use of IFS in parenting could be challenging to implement if not all caregivers are on board or if they interpret the principles differently, which could lead to inconsistent parenting approaches.
- The idea that leaders who engage with their shadow parts will experience sustainable performance might be overly optimistic, as leadership involves a complex interplay of factors beyond self-awareness, including external pressures and organizational culture.
- Simplifying complex therapeutic models like IFS for broader application in self-help and community settings might risk oversimplifying or misrepresenting the nuances of the therapy, potentially leading to misunderstandings or misuse of the concepts.
- The assertion that one partner's commitment to personal growth will create ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal "parts" journal to enhance self-awareness by writing down different emotions, thoughts, and reactions as they occur, labeling them as separate parts, and reflecting on how they influence your behavior.
- This practice helps you identify patterns in your internal system, making it easier to communicate your needs and boundaries to others. For example, if you notice a "critical part" emerging frequently, you might address this part by asking what it needs to feel at ease, thereby reducing its impact on your interactions.
- Develop a "co-regulation" toolkit with a partner or friend to improve empathetic communication by listing strategies that help each other return to a calm state when triggered.
- This could include breathing exercises, a playlist of calming music, or a set of affirmations to remind each other of your grounded Self. When one of you is upset, the other can suggest a tool from the kit, fostering a supportive environment for managing emotions together.
- Initiate a "shadow exploration" group with colleagues or peers where you meet r ...
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Role of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Validation, and Accessing "True Self"
The conversation between Bernstein and Shetty delves into the significance of self-forgiveness, self-validation, and the discovery of one's "true self" through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.
Forgiving Our Protector Parts' Actions Is Crucial in Ifs
Self-Forgiveness Unveils the True Self's Wisdom and Compassion, Hidden by Protective Mechanisms
Bernstein suggests that the protective parts of ourselves are like little children that require compassion and forgiveness. When approaching these parts with understanding, rather than negativity, we can begin to access the true self—a self that is wise and compassionate, but often obscured by our protective mechanisms. She notes that these protective parts, though possibly leading to extreme behaviors, are not inherently bad and deserve recognition for their protective purpose.
Self-forgiveness, as discussed by Bernstein, is central to reclaiming a childlike presence and healing the overburdened parts. This unburdening allows one to move forward, letting go of mechanisms that no longer serve a constructive purpose. Moreover, self-forgiveness connects us with our true self, the spirit, or God within, guiding us towards making amends and operating authentically.
In IFS therapy, the third step of the four-step check-in process exemplifies this practice: by asking what our activated parts need, we engage with them to understand and forgive their actions. This encourages a reconnection with the true self. Additionally, Bernstein explains that by journaling with the judgmental part and assessing its needs, one can allow the 'True Self' to emerge with its inherent wisdom and compassion.
External Validation Hinders Self-Knowledge
Strengthen Inner Self With Ifs, Reduce Need for External Affirmation
Bernstein highlights the fallacy and futility of seeking external validation. She argues that relying on external sources for love, connection, or support to find completion is misdirected. Instead, Bernstein states that all we seek externally can be found within through spiritual practice and sel ...
Here’s what you’ll find in our full summary
Role of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Validation, and Accessing "True Self"
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Clarifications
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is a psychological approach that views the mind as composed of multiple sub-personalities or "parts," each with distinct roles and emotions. These parts often include protectors, exiles (wounded parts), and the core "Self," which is calm and compassionate. The goal of IFS is to help individuals understand, heal, and harmonize these parts by fostering the leadership of the Self. This process promotes internal balance and emotional healing without suppressing or rejecting any part.
- In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, "protector parts" are subpersonalities within the mind that work to shield the individual from emotional pain or harm. These parts often develop strategies to prevent vulnerability by managing fear, shame, or trauma. They can manifest as critical, controlling, or avoidant behaviors aimed at keeping the person safe. Although their methods may seem extreme, their core intention is to protect the individual's well-being.
- The "true self" in IFS therapy refers to the core essence of a person, characterized by qualities like calmness, curiosity, compassion, and clarity. It differs from other parts, which are subpersonalities or roles developed to protect the individual from pain or trauma. These protective parts can be reactive or extreme, while the true self remains balanced and grounded. Accessing the true self allows for healing and authentic decision-making.
- In IFS therapy, "unburdening" refers to the process where protective parts release the extreme beliefs and emotions they carry from past traumas. This allows these parts to transform and take on healthier roles within the internal system. Unburdening helps restore balance and harmony among the parts, enabling the true self to lead. It is a key step in healing and self-integration.
- The four-step check-in process in IFS therapy involves identifying the activated part, noticing its feelings and thoughts, asking what it needs, and offering compassion or support. This method helps individuals engage with their internal parts without judgment. It promotes understanding and healing by fostering a dialogue between the true self and protective parts. The process encourages self-awareness and emotional regulation.
- Journaling with judgmental parts involves writing from the perspective of these inner critics to understand their fears and intentions. This practice externalizes negative self-talk, making it easier to observe without being overwhelmed. It helps identify the protective role these parts play, fostering compassion rather than resistance. By acknowledging their needs, one can negotiate healthier internal relationships and promote healing.
- Self-forgiveness clears emotional blockages that obscure inner peace and clarity. This clarity allows individuals to connect with their deeper essence, often described as the "spirit" or "God within." In many spiritual traditions, this inner presence is seen as a source of unconditional love and wisdom. Thus, forgiving oneself opens the path to experiencing this profound inner guidance.
- Self-validation is the process of recognizing and accepting your own feelings, thoughts, and experiences as valid without needing approval from others. External validation depends on receiving acknowledgment or approval from outside sources, like people or society. Relying on self-validation builds inner confidence and emotional resilience, while dependence on external validation can lead to insecurity and fluctuating self-worth. Developing self-validation helps maintain a stable sense of self regardless of external opinions.
- In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, "overburdened parts" are subpersonalities that carry excessive pain, trauma, or negative beliefs. They become overburdened when they take on too much emotional weight or responsibility to pr ...
Counterarguments
- Protective parts may sometimes be maladaptive, and while they deserve compassion, they also require critical examination and modification, not just forgiveness.
- Self-forgiveness, while important, might not always be sufficient for healing; some individuals may also need external support, accountability, or restitution to fully move forward.
- The concept of a "true self" can be seen as essentialist and may not resonate with everyone; some psychological theories argue that the self is more fluid and constructed through social interactions.
- The idea that all needs can be met internally may overlook the importance of social connections and the reality that humans are inherently social beings who thrive on interaction.
- Relying solely on internal validation could potentially lead to isolation or an unhealthy sense of self-sufficiency that dismisses the value of community and relationships.
- The emphasis on self-regulation might not acknowledge the structural and systemic factors that can make self-validation challe ...
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