Jays Must Listens: You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and a panel of relationship experts explore the science and psychology of modern dating. The discussion covers key findings about nonverbal communication in attraction, including insights about flirting signals and body language, while addressing how vocal tone and confidence influence initial interactions. The experts also examine the role of dating apps and suggest alternative approaches to meeting potential partners.
The conversation delves into practical strategies for building healthy relationships, with the experts addressing common dating obstacles and misconceptions. They discuss the importance of maintaining self-worth during the dating process, taking time to assess compatibility, and communicating needs effectively. The episode provides guidance on handling rejection and evaluating potential partners based on their present behaviors rather than future possibilities.
This is a preview of the Shortform summary of the Nov 5, 2025 episode of the On Purpose with Jay Shetty
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1-Page Summary
Nonverbal Communication and Attraction
Vanessa Van Edwards reveals surprising findings about flirting signals, noting that women need to send an astonishing 29 flirting signals within 10 minutes for men to notice their interest. She emphasizes that availability and interest, demonstrated through body language, matter more than physical appearance in successful dating. Van Edwards also highlights the importance of using a confident, lower-pitched tone in communication, as it conveys self-assurance that listeners assess within milliseconds.
Mindset and Approach To Dating
Jay Shetty and Sadia Khan discuss the importance of adopting a casual, low-stakes mindset in dating. Shetty suggests that simple, casual approaches often yield better connections than high-pressure interactions. Khan addresses the limitations of dating apps, warning that they can lead to burnout and unrealistic expectations. Both experts recommend expanding social circles beyond apps and allowing relationships to develop naturally through various life activities.
Self-Awareness, Self-Worth, and Authenticity in Relationships
Relationship experts Jay Shetty, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Lori Gottlieb emphasize the importance of recognizing and avoiding unhealthy relationship behaviors. Khan points out that while attraction isn't typically problematic, accepting negative behaviors like late-night texts and dismissiveness is. The experts stress the value of taking relationships slowly to uncover true compatibility and the necessity of honest communication about needs and desires from the start.
Overcoming Obstacles and Fears In Dating
Jay Shetty and Gillian Turecki emphasize that rejection in dating shouldn't impact self-worth, with Turecki noting that life quality is influenced by our ability to handle rejection. Lori Gottlieb advises against "future tripping" and instead suggests focusing on present interactions, particularly how potential partners handle conflicts, as these behaviors are predictive of future relationship dynamics.
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Counterarguments
- While Vanessa Van Edwards suggests that women need to send numerous flirting signals, it could be argued that the quality and clarity of signals are more important than quantity, and that different men may require different amounts and types of signals to notice interest.
- The idea that body language matters more than physical appearance might not hold true for everyone, as individuals have different preferences and some may prioritize physical attraction.
- The recommendation to use a lower-pitched tone for conveying confidence might not be universally applicable, as the effectiveness of vocal pitch can vary depending on cultural norms and personal characteristics.
- A casual, low-stakes mindset in dating might not be suitable for individuals who are looking for serious, long-term relationships and may not want to approach dating too casually.
- The effectiveness of simple, casual approaches in dating could vary from person to person; some individuals may find that a more direct or thoughtful approach works better for them.
- While expanding social circles is generally good advice, for some individuals, dating apps may still be a practical and effective way to meet potential partners, especially for those with busy schedules or limited social opportunities.
- The advice to avoid unhealthy relationship behaviors is sound, but what constitutes unhealthy behavior can be subjective and vary greatly between individuals and cultures.
- Taking relationships slowly to uncover compatibility is generally good advice, but some people might experience successful relationships that move at a faster pace.
- The notion that rejection shouldn't impact self-worth is idealistic; in practice, rejection can affect individuals differently, and some may find it challenging to separate their self-worth from their dating experiences.
- The advice to focus on present interactions rather than future possibilities might not resonate with individuals who prefer to plan ahead or consider long-term compatibility early on.
- The idea that how potential partners handle conflicts can predict future relationship dynamics is a generalization and may not account for the complexity of individual growth and the development of conflict resolution skills over time.
Actionables
- Practice mirroring body language during social interactions to become more attuned to non-verbal cues of interest. By subtly copying the posture, gestures, or facial expressions of someone you're conversing with, you can create a sense of rapport and make them feel more comfortable. This can be done in any social setting, such as a coffee shop or a networking event, and it helps you become more aware of how body language conveys availability and interest.
- Record and review your voice to develop a confident, lower-pitched tone when speaking. Use your smartphone to record yourself reading a paragraph or having a conversation, then listen to the playback to assess your tone and pitch. Practice speaking from your diaphragm to achieve a more resonant voice, and try to incorporate this into your daily interactions, whether it's ordering coffee or chatting with a friend.
- Create a "rejection resume" to normalize and learn from dating rejections. Write down instances where you've been rejected in dating, what you learned from each experience, and how it has helped you grow. This exercise can help you detach your self-worth from rejection and view it as a natural part of the dating process, ultimately improving your resilience and perspective on life quality.
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Nonverbal Communication and Attraction
Unnoticed Cues and Signals In Dating
Vanessa Van Edwards underscores the discrepancies in perceived versus actual recognition of flirting signals in the context of dating.
Women Must Send 29 Flirting Signals In 10 Minutes to Be Noticed
Van Edwards indicates that single women in a bar or nightclub environment need to send an astonishing 29 flirting signals within 10 minutes for men to notice their interest and approach them. This includes signals such as eye contact and little smiles, which are often not as obvious as the person flirting may believe. A study tracking singles in social settings confirmed this phenomenon by counting these subtle flirtatious cues.
Attractiveness Alone Does Not Guarantee Success In Dating.
Availability and Interest Are More Important Than Appearance
Research shows that signaling availability and expressing interest through body language are more crucial than physical appearance alone in successful dating. The findings revealed that women who were not conventionally attractive but demonstrated availability frequently through their nonverbal cues were approached more often than those who were more attractive but did not signal as effectively. Emphasizing that showing availability, such as through self-touch, can release pheromones that play a significant role in attraction.
Confident, Relaxed Body Language and Tone for Effective Communication
Confident, Lower-Pitched Tones Convey More Self-Assurance and Appeal
Van E ...
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Nonverbal Communication and Attraction
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- The number of flirting signals required for noticeability can vary widely depending on cultural context, individual differences, and the environment, so the figure of 29 signals in 10 minutes may not be universally applicable.
- Physical appearance can still play a significant role in initial attraction, and its importance should not be completely discounted even though nonverbal cues are also crucial.
- The effectiveness of nonverbal cues can be influenced by the receiver's ability to interpret them, which can vary greatly among individuals, suggesting that the problem may not always be with the sender's frequency of signals.
- The idea that self-touch can release pheromones that significantly influence attraction is not widely supported by scientific evidence, as human response to pheromones and their role in attraction is still a debated topic.
- While a lower-pitched voice may convey confidence in some contexts, this is not a universal rule, and in some situations, a higher pitch could be more effective or appropriate dep ...
Actionables
- You can practice mirroring body language to signal availability when meeting new people. By subtly copying the posture, gestures, and movements of someone you're interested in, you create a subconscious bond. For example, if they lean forward, do the same; if they touch their face, mirror the action after a short pause.
- Develop a habit of using a lower pitch at the end of your sentences during casual conversations to convey confidence. Record yourself talking about a topic you're passionate about, then play it back, focusing on the pitch of your voice. Try to adjust the tone to end with a downward inflection and practice until it feels natural.
- Incorporate subtle, flirty glanc ...
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Mindset and Approach To Dating
Avoid a Cycle of High Expectations and Rejection
Jay Shetty and Sadia Khan provide insights on how a change in mindset can dramatically shift one's dating experience.
Adopting a Casual, Low-stakes Mindset Can Cultivate Connections
Jay Shetty suggests that practicing a casual, low-expectation approach can yield better connections. He emphasizes that saying a simple "hey" casually can lead to significant results by making the interaction less daunting. Shetty says that the current high-expectation culture often leads to disappointment when there's no immediate spark, resulting in a harmful cycle of learned helplessness. Instead, viewing dating as an opportunity to hone social skills, being curious rather than conducting an interview, can lead to a more organic interaction. Shetty notes that we don't need to rush love or expect every potential partner to be "the one." Instead, love should be allowed to evolve naturally, without pressure.
Expand Your Social Circles Beyond Dating Apps
Dating Apps Can Lead To Burnout and Missed Opportunities
Khan addresses the frustrations of dating apps, where people often compare potential matches to an ideal partner, leading to dissatisfaction. She advises to start with those who show interest and like you, as this can prevent chasing an unrealistic love and allow for authentic connec ...
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Mindset and Approach To Dating
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Counterarguments
- While adopting a casual mindset can reduce pressure, it may not be suitable for everyone, especially those who are looking for serious, long-term relationships and may not want to invest time in connections that don't align with their goals.
- A simple "hey" might be too casual or generic for some people, and may not stand out in the competitive environment of dating apps.
- The idea that high expectations lead to a cycle of disappointment could be challenged by the argument that having standards is important for finding a compatible partner, and that it's okay to hold out for a strong connection.
- Viewing dating purely as an opportunity to hone social skills might lead to insincere interactions if one party is more invested than the other.
- The suggestion to not take ghosting personally might overlook the emotional impact such experiences can have on individuals, which can be valid and significant.
- While expanding social circles is beneficial, it may not be as easy for everyone due to various factors like location, social anxiety, or time constraints.
- Trusting that one will meet someone by simply enjoying life and putting themselves out there may not be practical for everyone, and some may require mor ...
Actionables
- You can create a "connection jar" where you write down various low-stakes social activities on slips of paper and draw one to try each week, like joining a book club or attending a community class. This encourages you to engage in new social settings with the mindset of building your social skills and meeting people with shared interests, rather than focusing solely on finding a romantic connection.
- Start a personal "curiosity project" by choosing a new hobby or interest each month and attending related events or workshops. This approach helps you meet people organically while you're genuinely enjoying learning something new, which can lead to more authentic interactions and potentially romantic connections without the pressure of dating apps.
- Implement a "ghosting journal" where you reflect on ...
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Self-Awareness, Self-Worth, and Authenticity in Relationships
In romantic relationships, self-awareness, self-worth, and authenticity are key to building meaningful connections. Jay Shetty, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Lori Gottlieb provide insights on these three pillars throughout the relationship process.
Attract Many Partners, Choose Who to Entertain
Recognize When You're Normalizing Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors
Jay Shetty and Jillian Turecki talk about the dangers of staying in unsatisfying relationships due to the fear of being single. Sadia Khan, a relationship coach, points out that while attraction isn't typically an issue, the acceptance of behaviors such as late-night texts, dismissiveness, and a lack of effort is problematic. She stresses that it’s not about what we attract but what we choose to entertain. Khan insists on recognizing and letting go of interactions with emotionally unavailable partners.
Jay Shetty adds that feeling anxious in a relationship may be a sign of immaturity rather than chemistry. He argues that by staying in such relationships, individuals are effectively normalizing unhealthy behaviors.
Communicate Your Needs and Be Authentic From the Start
Avoiding Honesty About Your Needs Can Sabotage Connections
The experts highlight the importance of slowing down at the start of a new relationship. This deliberate pace helps uncover the other's true character, values, and aligns with one's personal relationship needs. Khan underlines the necessity of honesty, especially when using dating apps. She says that inflated standards can lead to the dismissal of genuinely compatible m ...
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Self-Awareness, Self-Worth, and Authenticity in Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While recognizing unhealthy behaviors is important, it's also true that what one person considers a red flag might be a non-issue for someone else; personal thresholds for behavior can vary widely.
- The idea that feeling anxious in a relationship is a sign of immaturity may not always hold true; anxiety can also stem from past traumas or experiences that have nothing to do with immaturity.
- Slowing down at the start of a relationship to uncover true character and values is generally good advice, but it's also possible to overthink and miss out on the natural development of a relationship by being too cautious or analytical.
- Honesty about personal needs is crucial, but there's also a balance to be struck between being open and oversharing too early in a relationship, which can be overwhelming or off-putting for some individuals.
- The advice to avoid dismissing genuinely compatible matches due to inflated standards assumes that individuals have perfect self-awareness and understanding of their needs, which may not always be the case.
- Judging compatibility based on shared values and maturity is sound, but it's also important to acknowledge that sometimes opposites attract and t ...
Actionables
- Create a "relationship exit strategy" by writing down the reasons you would leave a relationship and the steps you'd take to do so. This helps you recognize when a relationship is no longer serving you and reduces the fear of being single. For example, your exit strategy might include reconnecting with friends, pursuing a hobby you've neglected, or seeking counseling to support the transition.
- Start a "values journal" where you record your core values and observe how they align with those of your partner during the early stages of dating. Slowing down to reflect on your entries can reveal whether your values truly match. You might note how your partner handles conflict, their attitude towards work-life balance, or their approach to personal growth.
- Develop a "compatibility checklist" th ...
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Overcoming Obstacles and Fears In Dating
Dating can be fraught with uncertainty and fear but understanding and overcoming these emotional barriers is key to forming meaningful connections.
Build Resilience to Handle Rejection and Learn From Experience
Facing rejection is tough but building resilience can greatly improve the dating experience and outlook on relationships.
Rejection in Dating Doesn't Define Your Worth
Jay Shetty and Gillian Turecki emphasize that rejection in dating does not reflect on one's self-worth. Turecki asserts that life quality is influenced by our ability to handle rejection. Shetty advises that being rejected helps clarify and strengthen an understanding of one's own needs and value. Sadia Khan discusses self-worth after repeated rejections on dating apps, encouraging listeners to maintain self-esteem regardless of others' inability to communicate.
Avoid "Future Tripping"; Focus On the Present
Staying present and mindful during the early stages of dating can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.
Partner's Conflict Response Reveals More Than Idealized Future
Lori Gottlieb advises focusing on present interactions instead of imagined futures or "future tripping." She suggests paying attention to how the other per ...
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Overcoming Obstacles and Fears In Dating
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Clarifications
- "Future tripping" is a term used to describe the habit of excessively focusing on and worrying about the future, especially in the context of relationships. It involves getting caught up in imagining various scenarios and outcomes that may or may not happen, often leading to anxiety and unrealistic expectations. This behavior can detract from being fully present in the current moment and can hinder the development of a genuine connection with a partner. By avoiding "future tripping," individuals can cultivate mindfulness and focus on building a healthy relationship based on the reality of the present interactions.
- Healthy conflict resolution involves addressing disagreements or issues in a constructive and respectful manner. It includes effective communicat ...
Counterarguments
- While rejection itself may not define self-worth, it can still have a cumulative negative impact on one's self-esteem if not processed healthily.
- Resilience can improve the dating experience, but it's also important to acknowledge and address the emotional pain that can come with rejection rather than just trying to be resilient.
- Rejection might help clarify and strengthen understanding of one's needs and value, but it can also sometimes lead to confusion and self-doubt, especially if the reasons for rejection are unclear or tied to personal insecurities.
- Maintaining self-esteem is important, but it's also necessary to recognize that external validation, while not the sole determinant, can play a significant role in one's self-perception.
- Staying present and mindful is beneficial, but planning for the future and discussing future aspirations can also be important for determini ...
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