Jay & Radhi Talk About the Pressure and Expectations Around Parenthood
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia examine societal expectations around having children, particularly the pressure placed on women over 30. They address the common assumption that parenthood equates to success and fulfillment, while exploring the sensitivity needed when discussing family planning, given that many people face private struggles with fertility.
The conversation covers the financial realities of raising children, with Shetty sharing statistics about the substantial costs involved and how these impact family planning decisions. Devlukia discusses her personal approach to parenthood, emphasizing the importance of emotional and psychological preparation. The hosts also examine how career considerations and relationship dynamics factor into decisions about having children.
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1-Page Summary
Societal Pressures and Assumptions Around Having Children
In this episode, Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia explore the complex societal pressures surrounding family planning. Devlukia addresses the persistent questioning about having children, particularly directed at women over 30, and suggests limiting such intimate conversations to those who will play significant roles in a child's life.
The hosts discuss how society often equates parenthood with success and purpose. They reference Tracee Ellis Ross, who challenges the notion that a woman's worth is tied to motherhood, asserting that life can be fulfilling without children. Devlukia highlights the insensitivity of probing questions about family planning, noting the invisible struggles many face with fertility challenges and miscarriages.
Financial Considerations and Concerns Around Affording Children
Jay Shetty presents striking financial statistics about raising children, noting that costs range from $233,000 to $310,000 through age 18, excluding college expenses. This financial burden significantly impacts family planning decisions, with 36% of adults under 50 postponing parenthood due to affordability concerns.
The financial strain of parenthood is further illustrated by Shetty's observation that 66% of parents experience money worries, compared to just 39% of non-parents, highlighting the substantial financial pressure that comes with raising children.
Personal Mindset and Decision-Making Around Having Children
Shetty and Devlukia explore the psychological aspects of deciding to have children. Devlukia shares her personal journey, discussing the importance of feeling genuinely prepared for parenthood rather than succumbing to societal pressure. She emphasizes the value of addressing personal growth and healing before taking on the responsibility of raising a child.
The hosts examine the impact of maternity leave on career trajectories, with Devlukia noting how women who waited to have children often appreciate the time they had to establish their careers and financial stability. Shetty and Devlukia also warn against the misconception that having a child will fix relationship problems, stressing the importance of resolving personal issues before bringing a child into the world.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While Devlukia suggests intimate conversations about having children should be limited, one could argue that open dialogue in society can foster understanding and support for individuals facing challenges related to family planning.
- The idea that society equates parenthood with success and purpose may be changing, as more people celebrate diverse life choices and paths that do not necessarily include having children.
- While Tracee Ellis Ross challenges the notion of a woman's worth being tied to motherhood, some may argue that motherhood can be a deeply fulfilling aspect of a woman's identity without it being the sole measure of her worth.
- The insensitivity of probing questions about family planning is highlighted, but it's also worth considering that these questions can sometimes come from a place of genuine concern or interest, not just insensitivity.
- The financial statistics presented are alarming, but they may not capture the full range of experiences, as some families find ways to raise children less expensively or receive support from extended family or community resources.
- The statistic that 36% of adults under 50 postpone parenthood due to affordability concerns could be seen as a prudent decision rather than a purely negative trend, as it suggests individuals are taking financial readiness into account.
- The comparison of money worries between parents and non-parents might not account for the subjective value and non-financial rewards that individuals derive from parenthood.
- Devlukia's emphasis on personal readiness for parenthood is important, but some might argue that no one is ever fully prepared for all the challenges of parenting, and that growth can occur through the process of becoming a parent.
- The impact of maternity leave on career trajectories is a concern, but some might point out that many workplaces are becoming more accommodating to parents, and that the long-term career impact can vary widely.
- The point about women who waited to have children appreciating their established careers and financial stability could be countered by noting that some women who have children earlier also find fulfillment and success in balancing career and family life.
- The assertion that having a child will not fix relationship problems is generally sound, but it's also possible for the experience of parenting to bring couples closer together as they work through challenges.
Actionables
- You can create a "parenthood readiness" checklist that includes financial, emotional, and relationship stability criteria to help you assess your preparedness for having children. This checklist could feature budgeting for child-related expenses, self-reflection prompts to gauge emotional readiness, and discussions with a partner about relationship health. For example, under financial readiness, you might list savings goals, under emotional readiness, you might include completing a course on parenting, and under relationship health, you might plan regular check-ins with your partner.
- Start a private journal or digital document where you record your personal growth milestones and how they might impact your potential future as a parent. This could involve noting down achievements in your career, personal life, or self-improvement efforts that contribute to a sense of stability and readiness for parenthood. For instance, you might celebrate a promotion at work, the completion of a therapy program, or the establishment of a solid support network.
- Develop a "relationship audit" tool with your partner to address and resolve personal issues before considering parenthood. This tool could be a set of questions or prompts that you both answer independently and then discuss together, focusing on communication, conflict resolution, and mutual support. An example question might be, "How do we handle disagreements, and what can we improve?" This encourages proactive problem-solving and ensures a stronger foundation for any future family planning.
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Societal Pressures and Assumptions Around Having Children
In their discussion, the hosts of the podcast delve into the societal norms and pressures regarding family planning.
Societal Expectations That Having Children Is Necessary for Fulfillment
The podcast opens with a focus on the pervasive societal expectation that having children is a requisite part of life to achieve fulfillment.
Assumptions Pressure Women to Have Children Regardless of Readiness or Desire
The podcast highlights the intense pressure on women over 30 concerning the topic of having children, with "aunties" frequently inquiring after their plans in this regard. Radhi Devlukia addresses the cultural expectation to discuss child-bearing when other conversational topics run dry, but she restricts such intimate conversations to those who will play a significant role in the child's life. Thereby, she implies that the pressure to have children should not be wielded by society at large.
Parenthood Equates To Success, Making Those Without Children Feel Less Worthy
Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia argue that society equates parenthood with success and purpose, often overlooking individual choices and circumstances.
Tracee Ellis Ross Challenges Notion of Worth Being Tied To Motherhood
Tracee Ellis Ross is mentioned as a vocal challenger of the notion that a woman's worth is tied to motherhood. Jay Shetty shares Ross's sentiments on rejecting societal expectations that life is unworthy without children or a partner. Ross finds worth and joy in other ways, notably through her relationships and accomplishments.
The conversation also tackles the pressure from societal messages that tout the ideal childbirth age as being in the twenties, which adds to the strain women feel as they grow older. They discuss the trend of women now having children later in life and the imperative to respect individual desires whether or not to have children.
Radhi Devlukia speaks to the insensitivity of societal pressures regarding wom ...
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Societal Pressures and Assumptions Around Having Children
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Counterarguments
- While societal expectations exist, not everyone feels pressured by them, and some individuals or communities may prioritize personal choice over societal norms.
- Parenthood and childlessness can both be fulfilling life choices, and success can be defined in many ways beyond the traditional view of having children.
- Some argue that the desire to have children can be a deeply ingrained biological drive, not just a societal expectation, and choosing to have children can be a valid path to personal fulfillment for many.
- The ideal age for childbirth is subjective and can vary greatly depending on personal, health, and financial circumstances, as well as cultural backgrounds.
- There is a growing acceptance and support for diverse family structures and life choices, including the decision not to have children, which challenges the notion that there is a single societal standard.
- Discussions about f ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal manifesto that defines your own measures of success and fulfillment, independent of societal norms. Write down what makes you feel accomplished and content, whether it's career achievements, personal growth, creative endeavors, or community involvement. This manifesto serves as a reminder of your individual worth and goals, helping you to resist external pressures and expectations about parenthood and life milestones.
- Start a journal to explore and affirm your feelings about family planning and societal expectations. Use this space to reflect on your desires, fears, and the external pressures you face. By regularly writing down your thoughts, you can better understand your own stance on having children and develop a stronger sense of self, which can be empowering when navigating conversations and comments about your reproductive choices.
- Engage in conversations with friends or online communiti ...
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Financial Considerations and Concerns Around Affording Children
With the rising costs associated with raising children, financial considerations are increasingly impacting decisions around parenthood, as highlighted by Jay Shetty.
High Costs Of Raising a Child To College Create Financial Barriers and Worries
Shetty alarmingly notes that the financial pressure of raising children deters many from becoming parents. The estimated cost of raising a child from birth to the age of 18 ranges from $233,000 to $310,000. However, these figures do not account for college tuition, which can impose an additional $30,000 to $200,000 depending on the institution. Viviana and Molly's personal experiences echo these sentiments, with both choosing to have children in their late 30s due to the costs involved, with Molly specifically pointing out the irresponsibility of bringing a child into a financially unstable situation.
36% of Under-50 Adults Delay Parenthood Over Affordability Concerns
A revealing statistic cited by Shetty that captures the essence of these financial fears is that 36% of adults under 50 without kids are postponing parenthood due to affordability concerns. This delay points to the significant financial barriers aspirant parents face in today's economy.
Financial Strain of Parenthood Triggers Inadequacy and Uncertainty
The economic strain complicate ...
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Financial Considerations and Concerns Around Affording Children
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Clarifications
- The estimated cost of raising a child from birth to age 18 typically ranges from $233,000 to $310,000. These figures do not include college tuition expenses, which can add an additional $30,000 to $200,000 depending on the institution. The financial pressure of these costs can deter individuals from starting a family. Some individuals may delay parenthood due to concerns about the affordability of raising children.
- Jay Shetty is a former monk turned motivational speaker and podcast host known for sharing insights on personal development, mindfulness, and well-being. He often discusses topics related to mental health, relationships, and finding purpose in life. Shetty's content typically combines ancient wisdom with modern psychology to offer practical advice for navigating life's challenges. His perspectives on parenthood, finances, and personal growth are often sought after for their blend of spirituality and practicality.
- The statistic mentioned, where 36% of adults under 50 without kids are postponing parenthood due to affordability concerns, highlights a significant trend where financial worries are influencing decisions about starting a family. This data indicates that a considerable portion of individuals are choosing to delay having children due to financial constraints, reflecting the impact of economic factors on family planning decisions.
- The comparison between the money worries of parents and non-parents highlights that a higher percentage of parents ...
Counterarguments
- While the costs of raising a child are high, focusing solely on the financial aspects may overlook the non-monetary benefits and joys of parenthood.
- The figures presented for the cost of raising a child and college tuition are averages and may not reflect the experience of all families, as costs can vary widely depending on location, lifestyle, and personal choices.
- Delaying parenthood until financial stability is achieved might not be feasible for everyone, as fertility can decline with age, which could lead to increased costs associated with fertility treatments or adoption.
- The statistic that 36% of adults under 50 delay parenthood due to affordability concerns does not capture the full complexity of reasons why individuals may choose to postpone having children, such as career aspirations or personal development.
- The financial strain of parenthood might be mitigated by social support systems, government assistance, and community resources that can help alleviate some of the costs associated with raising children.
- The comparison of ...
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Personal Mindset and Decision-Making Around Having Children
Jay Shetty and Radhi Devlukia delve into the complexity surrounding the decision to have children, driven by personal readiness, the impact on career, and relational health.
Awareness of Inner Child and Growth Needs Leads To Feeling Unprepared to Raise a Child
Fear Of "Messing Up" or Repeating Trauma Makes Parenthood Overwhelming
In their discussion, Shetty and Devlukia consider how an awareness of their inner child and personal healing can make prospective parents feel inadequate and unqualified for parenthood. Devlukia speaks to her own journey of growth and admits that she might not have been fully prepared earlier in life to raise a child, despite societal pressures. No specific mentions were made of a fear of "messing up" or repeating trauma, but the underlying sentiment exists that one wants to give the best to their child but might feel unable to do so because of unaddressed issues.
Devlukia shares concerns about not feeling prepared to have a child, worrying about the potential to make mistakes, and expresses fears that resonate with the broader anxiety of potentially repeating cycles of pain. She talks about friends raised by single mothers who hope that by having children, they can provide the love they didn't receive.
Shetty acknowledges that both partners' individual growth and shifts in a relationship can profoundly impact the decision to have children. Knowing a partner might have unresolved trauma or mental health challenges adds to this consideration.
Impact of Maternity Leave on Career and Financial Stability
Prioritizing Child-Rearing May Require Sacrificing Career Goals, Needing Preparation and Mindset Shifts
Radhi Devlukia touches upon the need for significant planning for maternity leave, considering how it will affect her work, finances, and personal health. She recognizes that prioritizing the upbringing of a child could necessitate stepping back from her career.
Devlukia also discusses the testimonials of women who waited to have children until later in life, observing their gratitude for the time they had to establish their careers, achieve financial stability, and cultivate their relationships—all before adding a child t ...
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Personal Mindset and Decision-Making Around Having Children
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While being aware of one's inner child and growth needs is important, it doesn't necessarily mean one is unprepared to raise a child. Many people grow and learn through the process of parenting.
- Concerns about "messing up" are common among prospective parents, but perfection is not a prerequisite for good parenting. Mistakes are part of the human experience and can be valuable learning opportunities.
- The impact of maternity leave on career and financial stability is significant, but it's also important to recognize that many people successfully navigate these challenges and find ways to balance work and family life.
- Prioritizing child-rearing over career goals is a personal choice, and not everyone feels the need to sacrifice one for the other. Some find ways to integrate both aspects of their lives successfully.
- While it's generally not advisable to have a child to fix a struggling relationship, there are instances w ...
Actionables
- You can create a personal growth plan that includes parenting preparation by setting aside time each week to read books or articles on child development and effective parenting techniques. This will help you understand your own growth needs and how they relate to raising a child, reducing the feeling of unpreparedness. For example, you might dedicate an hour every Sunday to reading and reflecting on a chapter from a parenting book, taking notes on how the concepts relate to your own experiences and fears.
- Develop a financial and career roadmap before considering parenthood by assessing your current job flexibility, potential for remote work, and opportunities for professional development that can be balanced with child-rearing. This proactive approach allows you to visualize and plan for the impact of maternity leave and the prioritization of child-rearing on your career. You could start by listing your career goals and identifying which ones can be pursued alongside parenting, then research parental leave policies and childcare options to create a realistic timeline for your professional and personal life.
- Engage in regular self-reflec ...
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