Quinlan Walther: Stop Chasing Love Just Because You’re Lonely! (Do THIS to Attract the RIGHT Relationship)
In this episode of On Purpose, host Jay Shetty and guest Quinlan Walther discuss the fundamental connection between self-awareness and successful romantic relationships. Walther introduces her framework of the four Cs of self-trust—curiosity, capacity, compassion, and commitment—and explains why understanding oneself should come before pursuing partnerships. Through personal experiences, Shetty and Walther explore how self-awareness influences relationship dynamics.
The conversation examines key aspects of healthy relationships, including emotional safety, boundary-setting, and the distinction between chemistry and compatibility. Walther and Shetty address common relationship challenges, such as maintaining individual identity while partnered, navigating heartbreak, and rebuilding trust. They discuss how shared values and life visions contribute to lasting partnerships, and why seeking external validation through relationships often leads to poor choices.
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1-Page Summary
Self-Awareness and Self-Love in Relationships
In this episode, Quinlan Walther and Jay Shetty explore the fundamental relationship between self-awareness, self-love, and romantic partnerships. Walther emphasizes that understanding oneself should precede seeking a relationship, comparing the pursuit of romance while emotionally unfulfilled to grocery shopping while hungry—both likely to lead to poor choices.
Walther introduces the four Cs of self-trust: curiosity about oneself, capacity for emotional stability, compassion in self-treatment, and commitment to authentic living. She stresses that relationships should enhance life rather than serve as a primary source of validation. Shetty shares his experience of learning that over-loving stemmed from his own issues rather than his partner's needs, highlighting the importance of being present rather than overwhelming partners with unrequested attention.
Healthy Communication and Boundaries in Relationships
Both experts discuss the crucial role of emotional safety and trust in relationships. Shetty shares how he learned to interpret his partner's requests as expressions of love rather than attacks, leading to more empathetic responses. Walther explains that boundaries should be understood as personal rules for maintaining energy and integrity, not as manipulation tactics.
The experts emphasize maintaining individual identity within relationships while showing accountability. They advise focusing on becoming the person you want to attract rather than searching for red flags in others, noting that relationships naturally change individuals, often positively.
The Nature of Love and Romantic Connections
Walther discusses the distinction between chemistry and compatibility, noting that while physical attraction matters, connection and intimacy can develop over time. She emphasizes the importance of shared values and life visions in long-term compatibility.
The experts frame love as an active choice rather than just a feeling. Walther stresses that "the one" is chosen based on complementarity and shared values, while Shetty's experiences demonstrate the evolution from reactive responses to understanding partner needs. Walther cautions against mistaking projection for genuine connection, particularly when intense feelings arise toward unavailable partners.
Navigating Heartbreak and Rebuilding Trust
When dealing with breakups, Walther encourages taking time to grieve without self-judgment, drawing from her experience with losing her mother. Shetty describes healing as a gradual process where pain diminishes over time. Instead of rushing to move on, Walther suggests creating a future vision to move toward, emphasizing the importance of making value-based decisions that reflect self-love and self-respect rather than seeking external validation.
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Counterarguments
- While self-awareness is important, some individuals may find that they grow and understand themselves better within the context of a relationship.
- Emotional fulfillment is a continuous process, and some individuals may find meaningful relationships even if they haven't achieved complete emotional independence.
- The four Cs of self-trust may not be universally applicable or sufficient for everyone; different individuals may have different frameworks for self-trust.
- Some people may find that a relationship does serve as a significant source of validation and that this is not necessarily detrimental to their well-being.
- The idea that one should focus on becoming the person they want to attract might be overly simplistic and not take into account the complexity of human attraction and compatibility.
- The distinction between chemistry and compatibility might not be clear-cut for everyone; some may experience them as deeply intertwined.
- The concept of actively choosing love can be challenged by those who believe love is also a spontaneous and uncontrollable emotion.
- The advice to avoid seeking external validation post-breakup might not acknowledge the potential benefits of social support and feedback in the healing process.
- The emphasis on individual identity within relationships might overlook the value and joy found in deeply shared experiences and mutual identity formation.
- The notion of creating a future vision based on self-love and self-respect after a breakup might not be feasible for everyone, especially those dealing with complex emotions and circumstances.
Actionables
- Start a self-discovery journal to explore your personal values, interests, and emotional patterns, which can help you understand yourself better before entering a relationship. Write daily entries focusing on your reactions to events, your feelings, and the decisions you make. This practice can reveal patterns in your behavior and thought processes, allowing you to address areas where you might be seeking validation from others instead of finding it within yourself.
- Create a "relationship vision board" to clarify what you want in a partner and a relationship, focusing on the qualities that align with your identity and values. Use images, quotes, and symbols that represent the kind of emotional safety, trust, and shared values you're looking for. Regularly reviewing and updating your vision board can keep you focused on attracting a partner who complements these aspects rather than looking for chemistry alone.
- Develop a "boundary blueprint" where you outline your personal limits and expectations in relationships to maintain your energy and integrity. This can be a written document or a digital note where you list scenarios where you need to assert your boundaries, such as when to say no to requests that compromise your values or when to take time for yourself. Refer to this blueprint when you feel uncertain in interactions with others to remind yourself of your personal rules and to practice maintaining your individual identity within relationships.
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Self-Awareness and Self-Love in Relationships
Quinlan Walther along with commentary from Jay Shetty, embarks on examining the intricate relationship between self-awareness, self-love, and romantic partnerships. They emphasize that understanding oneself is fundamental before adding the dynamic of another person into the mix.
Wanting Vs. Being Ready for a Relationship
Cultivate Self-Awareness, Acceptance, and Sufficiency Before Seeking a Partner
Quinlan Walther discusses the importance of accepting a partner as they are without trying to change them. This acceptance prompts the question of whether having a partner helps or hinders the love you wish to experience, which underscores the need for self-awareness. She makes an analogy between shopping for groceries while hungry and seeking a relationship out of desperation, suggesting poor choices might be made in both cases. Walther emphasizes spending time to understand who you are and what you want, and then finding a relationship that complements your life rather than fills a void. She encourages taking a breather from dating, focusing on other pursuits, and approaching each date not as an audition for a future spouse but as an opportunity to have fun.
Developing Self-Trust Through Curiosity, Capacity, Compassion, and Commitment
Practicing Emotional Flexibility, Self-Acceptance, and Personal Growth
Quinlan Walther outlines four Cs of self-trust as vital for relationships: curiosity, capacity, compassion, and commitment. Curiosity involves a deep understanding of oneself. Capacity refers to emotional stability and the ability to support oneself through various emotions while remaining true to one's identity. Compassion is treating oneself kindly and understanding that changes come from a place of love, not judgment. Lastly, commitment is devotion to living as the person you want to be and making decisions in alignment with your true self, including building a fulfilling life.
Walther highlights the importance of emotional flexibility and self-compassion. She acknowledges that the deepest heartbreaks can increase one's capacity for dealing with emotions and can lead to personal growth. Jay Shetty adds that self-discovery and growth continue within relationships and perfection isn't a prerequisite for meeting someone.
Allowing Relationships to Be a Bonus, Not Necessity
Avoiding the Need For Validation in Romance
Walther narrows in on using the choice of partner as a reflection of self-love and indicates that cultivating self-awareness and self-acceptance are prerequis ...
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Self-Awareness and Self-Love in Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While self-awareness is important, it's also true that sometimes individuals can grow and develop self-awareness through their relationships with others.
- Accepting a partner as they are is generally good advice, but it's also important to recognize that people and relationships can and do change, and mutual growth is often a key part of a successful partnership.
- Taking a break from dating can be beneficial, but for some individuals, actively dating might also be a path to better understanding themselves and what they want in a relationship.
- The idea that one should not approach dates as auditions for a future spouse might not resonate with individuals who have clear intentions to find a life partner and prefer to date with that purpose in mind.
- Emotional flexibility and self-compassion are indeed important, but some individuals might find that structure and self-discipline are equally crucial in their personal growth journey.
- The concept that deep heartbreaks can lead to personal growth might not hold true for everyone; some individuals might experience trauma or long-term negative effects from such heartbreaks.
- The notion that perfection isn't a prerequisite for meeting someone might be challenged by the argument that having certain standards or a degree of self-improvement can be beneficial before entering a relationship.
- The idea of not seeking validation in romance might overlook the fact that validation from a partner can be a healthy part of a supportive relationship, as long as it's not ...
Actionables
- Create a "self-discovery journal" to explore personal values, desires, and growth areas, using prompts like "What qualities do I admire in myself?" or "How do I react to change?" This practice encourages self-reflection and can reveal patterns in your behavior and preferences, which is essential before entering a relationship.
- Develop a "relationship vision board" that includes images and words representing the kind of partnership you aspire to, focusing on emotional states rather than specific traits of a partner. This visual tool can help clarify what you truly seek in a relationship, beyond surface-level attributes.
- Engage in "solo date nights" where you treat you ...
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Healthy Communication and Boundaries in Relationships
Experts Jay Shetty and Quinlan Walther discuss how maintaining healthy communication and respecting boundaries contribute to the growth of individuals within relationships.
Establishing Emotional Safety and Trust For Growth
Walther discusses the importance of choosing a partner who can provide emotional safety and trust, emphasizing the need to assess the character of a person by observing how they treat others. She notes the role of vulnerability in sharing and understanding the origins of our feelings, which can lead to healing and reprogramming within a relationship.
Assuming Good Intentions and Responding With Empathy
Shetty shares his experience of learning to understand his partner's requests as expressions of love rather than attacks, helping him respond with receptivity rather than defensiveness. This shift towards assuming good intentions and responding with empathy is pivotal in fostering trust and safety necessary for a relationship to thrive.
Communicating Needs and Boundaries Effectively
Communication is key in conveying needs and setting boundaries within a relationship. Instead of framing boundaries as threats or demands, Shetty and Walther highlight the importance of understanding why certain things bother us and addressing them with empathy and nuance. Effective communication is achieved by understanding each other's stresses, offering support, and avoiding ultimatums.
Setting Boundaries As Commitments, Not Threats or Demands
Walther explains that boundaries should not be understood as hurtful to others but as essential for maintaining one's energy and integrity. She emphasizes that boundaries are personal rules, not a manipulation tactic or a weapon used to get love or attention. They are a form of self-respect and an expression of how one wishes to be treated by others.
Maintaining Individual Identity and Accountability Within the Relationship
Shetty and Walther discuss the importance of maintaining autonomy and accountability in a relationship. They advise focusing on being the person you want to attract, instead of constantly searching for red flags in others. They stress that change is difficult, and empathy toward a partner's efforts is essential. Partners should set rules for addressing conflict early in the relationshi ...
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Healthy Communication and Boundaries in Relationships
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Counterarguments
- While vulnerability is important, some individuals may find that too much vulnerability too soon can be overwhelming or lead to codependency rather than healing.
- Assuming good intentions is generally positive, but it's also important to recognize that not all actions from a partner are rooted in love, and some may require firm boundaries or even distancing oneself.
- Effective communication is crucial, but there can be cultural, linguistic, or personal differences that make understanding each other's needs and boundaries more complex than simply conveying them.
- Setting boundaries as commitments is a strong approach, but it's also necessary to acknowledge that boundaries might sometimes be perceived as threats or demands, despite intentions, due to past experiences or trauma.
- Maintaining autonomy is key, but too much emphasis on individual identity can sometimes lead to neglecting the partnership or failing to compromise.
- Focusing on being the person you want to attract can be empowering, but it can also lead to self-criticism or an unrealistic expectation of perfection in oneself or a partner.
- Setting rules for addressing conflict is helpful, but rigid rules can sometimes stifle the natural flow of communication and emotional expression.
- Recognizing personal change through rela ...
Actionables
- You can create a "relationship journal" to track how you and your partner respond to each other's needs and boundaries. Start by writing down instances when you or your partner express a need or set a boundary. Note the reactions and outcomes. This practice will help you become more aware of patterns in your relationship and encourage proactive communication and respect for each other's boundaries.
- Develop a "conflict playbook" with your partner to establish rules for healthy disagreements. Sit down together during a calm moment and brainstorm scenarios that could lead to conflict. For each scenario, agree on a constructive approach to address it, such as taking a time-out to cool down or using "I" statements to express feelings without casting blame. This preemptive strategy can help minimize the impact of conflicts and ensure they are handled with empathy and respect.
- Engage ...
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The Nature of Love and Romantic Connections
Through the discussions of Quinlan Walter and Jay Shetty, we delve into understanding the complexities of love, the balance between chemistry and compatibility, and the importance of active love.
Differentiating Between Chemistry and Compatibility in Relationships
Quinlan Walter discusses the importance of physical attraction and curiosity in a romantic interest, but she also notes that connection, intimacy, and attraction can grow over time. She explains that the initial spark changes as the novelty wears off, highlighting the need to prepare for this evolution in a long-term relationship.
Compatibility More Important for Fulfillment Than Attraction
Jay Shetty and Quinlan Walter advise on the importance of discerning whether one is in love with a person or the idea of them. They suggest evaluating the gap between the partner's reality and one's expectations and how much of the relationship is genuinely enjoyable, measures of true compatibility.
Walter talks about flirting for fun, indicating one can enjoy chemistry without commitment to compatibility, and Shetty implies the necessity of deeper connections based on compatibility through meaningful conversations beyond flirty messages.
Walter further explores compatibility in terms of shared values and life visions—aligning on time, attention, and energy. He mentions that it's unrealistic to expect someone to change their core values, such as lifestyle preferences, and advises against such attempts.
Love Is an Action, Not Just a Feeling
Quinlan Walter and Jay Shetty's insights reveal that love is more action than mere sentiment, encompassing support, celebration, communication, and growth.
Committing To Supporting and Celebrating One's Partner
Walter stresses that "the one" is chosen based on complementarity and shared values, and relationships serve both pleasure and growth. She emphasizes using discernment in partner selection, prioritizing integrity and genuine fondness over superficial qualities.
Shetty's experiences showcase the development from being reactively triggered to understanding comments as expressions of love. His commitment to communication and meeting his partner's needs reflects a loving action, not just consideration for emotions.
Love involves respecting limitations and involves being willing to learn how to love someone as they desire, even when it's tough. Small things like listening and remembering details underpin and sustain love, according to Walter. This everyday, consistent action is contrasted with the idea of grand gestures.
Quinlan discusses the importance of being your partner's biggest fan—supporting their dreams and successes is crucial. Commitment implies a joy in simple daily activities together and showing up for each other in asked and anticipated ways.
Avoiding Idealizing or Obsessing Over Unavailable Partners
Walther ...
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The Nature of Love and Romantic Connections
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Counterarguments
- While physical attraction and curiosity are important, some argue that emotional connection and shared life goals can be equally or more significant in sustaining a long-term relationship.
- The idea that the initial spark inevitably wears off can be challenged by anecdotal evidence of couples who claim to maintain a strong physical and emotional attraction over many years.
- The notion that one cannot be in love with the idea of a person can be contested by the argument that all love involves some degree of idealization, and it's a natural part of forming a romantic narrative.
- The emphasis on compatibility over chemistry might overlook the complexity of human relationships where sometimes chemistry can lead to compatibility as partners grow and change together.
- The advice against expecting someone to change their core values may be too absolute, as individuals can and do evolve over time, and relationships can be a catalyst for positive change.
- The view that love is more action than sentiment might be too narrow, as feelings are also a significant component of love and can motivate loving actions.
- The focus on choosing a partner based on shared values and integrity may not account for the unpredictable nature of love and the fact that opposites can attract and complement each other in unexpected ways.
- The idea that being your partner's biggest fan is crucial could be seen as potentially leading to codependency if not balanced with a sense of individuality and personal goals.
- The warning against idealizing unavailable partners might not consider that sometimes unavailable partners become available, and what starts as an i ...
Actionables
- Create a "values vision board" with a partner to visually represent shared values and life goals, fostering deeper connection and compatibility. Start by gathering magazines, printouts, or digital images that resonate with your core values and aspirations. Then, set aside an evening with your partner to create a collage that represents your shared vision for the future. This activity encourages open discussion about what's important to both of you and can serve as a visual reminder of your common path.
- Develop a "relationship growth plan" that outlines specific actions to demonstrate love through support and communication. Begin by listing areas where you and your partner want to grow together, such as financial planning, health, or personal development. For each area, brainstorm actionable steps like scheduling weekly check-ins, planning joint activities, or setting mutual goals. This plan turns the abstract concept of love into concrete actions that contribute to a supportive and evolving relationship.
- Organize a "flirtation-free week" where ...
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Navigating Heartbreak and Rebuilding Trust
Navigating through the aftermath of a breakup is a journey that involves processing grief, learning from past relationships, and gradually rebuilding a stronger sense of self. Quinlan Walther and Jay Shetty offer insights on how to traverse this challenging time with intentionality and integrity.
Time and Space For Grief After Breakup
Avoiding Self-Judgment and Focusing On Understanding Growth Opportunities
Quinlan Walther encourages those who have experienced a breakup to take the time to grieve without self-judgment, highlighting that it's normal to feel lost during the acute phase of heartbreak. Reflecting on the loss of her own mother, Walther notes that such events can lead to personal growth and emphasizes the importance of giving oneself the space to fully experience and process grief. Similarly, Jay Shetty describes the gradual process of healing, wherein the frequency of remembering the pain diminishes over time. He advises looking for small, incremental improvements each day, rather than expecting immediate full recovery.
Shifting From Desperation to Intentionality In Dating
Walther speaks about stopping the effort to move on quickly and instead, imagining a future vision to move towards. She mentions the dangers of acting out of desperation when making relationship choices and the resulting unfulfilling outcomes. Jay Shetty acknowledges the difficulty of dealing with emotions like feeling lonely or not chosen. Instead of rushing to a quick fix, Shetty and Walther advise aligning daily life with a new, healthier vision. Walther also suggests changing the perspective when going on dates to simply have fun, which can aid in moving from desperation to intentionality.
Cultivating Self-Trust and Integrity For Healthy Relationships
Walther implies that if one desires change within a relationship, it should come from an intentional and loving approach. She differentiates between wanting to be a partner and wanting a spouse, emphasizing t ...
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Navigating Heartbreak and Rebuilding Trust
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Counterarguments
- While taking time to grieve is important, some individuals may benefit from a more structured approach to coping with a breakup, such as therapy or counseling, rather than simply giving themselves space.
- Personal growth post-breakup is not a linear process, and some people might find that they don't necessarily grow in the ways expected or don't recognize their growth until much later.
- Small daily improvements may be too subtle for some individuals to notice, which could lead to frustration or a feeling of stagnation rather than a sense of progress.
- Aligning daily life with a new, healthier vision assumes that individuals have the clarity and emotional capacity to envision a future post-breakup, which might not be the case for everyone.
- The suggestion to go on dates just to have fun might not be suitable for everyone, as some individuals may require more time before they can enjoy casual dating without emotional complications.
- The idea of intentional and loving change within a relationship may not address the complexities of why relationships fail, which can include deep-seated incompatibilities or issues beyond the control of one partner.
- The emphasis on being supportive and accountable in a shared life could inadvertently pressure individuals to stay in relationships that are not healthy for them, under the guise of accountability.
- The notion that both partners should contribute value to each other might be too idealistic and not take into account the reality of unequal power dynamics or resource distribution in relationships.
- Ma ...
Actionables
- Create a personal growth journal to document your emotional journey, setting aside time each day to write about your feelings, progress, and setbacks. This practice encourages reflection and acknowledges the small steps you're taking toward recovery, fostering a habit of self-compassion and patience with your personal growth.
- Develop a "future vision board" that represents your aspirations for a healthy relationship, using images and words to visualize what intentional dating and a supportive partnership look like to you. Regularly updating and reviewing this board can help keep your dating intentions clear and aligned with your values.
- Initiate a monthly "relationshi ...
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