Podcasts > On Purpose with Jay Shetty > Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

By iHeartPodcasts

In this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, celebrity hairstylist Chris Appleton discusses his journey of identity formation and self-acceptance. Appleton shares his experiences of suppressing his authentic self during his early years, his challenges with coming out at age 26, and how he navigated the impact of this decision on his relationships with his partner and children.

The conversation explores how Appleton manages the intersection of his public and private life, including his approach to handling public scrutiny while dealing with personal struggles. He discusses the role of therapy in his personal growth over nine years, his methods for maintaining authenticity in the public eye, and his motivation for sharing his experiences through his book to help others facing similar challenges.

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Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

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Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

1-Page Summary

Identity Formation and Self-Acceptance

Chris Appleton shares his journey of identity formation, describing early experiences of hiding his true self to fit in. As a child, his interest in hair styling subjected him to stigma and homophobia, leading him to suppress his authentic self and adopt a more masculine demeanor. It wasn't until age 26 that Chris publicly came out, marking the beginning of his journey toward self-acceptance.

Through therapy and self-reflection, Chris learned to differentiate between his authentic self and adaptations made to please others. Today, he views his identity as a source of strength and uses his story to inspire others to embrace their authentic selves.

Coming Out and Navigating Relationships/Family

Chris describes his coming out process as particularly challenging, driven by deep-seated shame and fear about impacting his family. The process was especially difficult with his partner and children, as he worried about them facing the same bullying and homophobia he had experienced. After a critical incident that forced the conversation, Chris prioritized his children's understanding while honoring his partner's and family's need to process the change.

As a celebrity hairstylist, Chris faces the unique challenge of managing public scrutiny while dealing with private struggles. Through therapy and reflection, he's achieved better alignment between his public and private personas. When discussing relationships, Chris emphasizes viewing their endings as opportunities for growth, consistently prioritizing his well-being and his children's needs over public perception.

The Role of Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

Chris emphasizes the transformative power of self-reflection and therapy, noting that he's been in therapy for nine years and still considers personal growth an ongoing journey. Through his book, Chris hopes to offer comfort to others feeling isolated and inspire them to embrace their truths. He stresses the importance of cultivating self-awareness and empathy as essential tools for navigating life's challenges.

1-Page Summary

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • Create a personal growth journal to track your journey toward self-acceptance, noting moments of authenticity and feelings associated with them. By regularly writing in this journal, you can observe patterns in your behavior that align or don't align with your true self. For example, after a social event, write down instances where you felt you were being genuine versus times you might have conformed to others' expectations.
  • Develop a "comfort playlist" with songs, podcasts, or speeches that reinforce the importance of embracing your identity. Whenever you feel isolated or in need of encouragement, listen to this playlist. It could include tracks that remind you of your strengths, celebrate diversity, or simply uplift your mood.
  • Engage in role-play scenarios with a trusted friend where you practice difficult conversations, such as coming out or setting boundaries. This can help you prepare for real-life situations by reducing anxiety and building confidence in expressing your needs. For instance, you could role-play telling a family member about a significant personal decision and ask for feedback on your communication style.

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Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

Identity Formation and Self-Acceptance

Chris Appleton shares his personal journey from concealing his true self to embracing his identity as a foundational narrative for growth and self-acceptance.

Early Experiences Led Chris to Hide His Authentic Self

Chris’s early life moments highlight the conflict between his sense of identity and the person he felt he needed to be to gain acceptance.

Childhood: Chris Hid His Identity to Fit In

As a child, Chris felt that he did not fit in with his siblings' interests in sports and typical girls' activities. He shared a poignant memory of looking out of a window on a rainy day, feeling alone, and recognizing that he was different. This marked the beginning of abandoning his true self to meet others' expectations rather than being true to himself.

Hair Styling Passion Led To Stigma and Homophobia

Chris’s interest in hair styling subjected him to stigma and homophobia. He noted that being stereotyped as gay, before he even understood his sexuality, led to bullying and oppression and forced him to mask parts of his personality considered unacceptable, including femininity attributed to his passion for hairstyling.

Chris's Self-Discovery: Identity vs. True Self

Throughout life, Chris felt pressured into a certain mold. He adopted a more masculine demeanor and suppressed his true self to avoid judgment. Chris mentions the profound shame and fear associated with his identity. It wasn't until the age of 26 that Chris came out to the public, reflecting a challenging journey through internalized shame and societal pressures before accepting his sexuality.

Embracing Identity: A Lifelong Journey of Growth and Self-Acceptance

Chris’s path to self-acceptance was not just about himself, but also about how his identity impacted those he loved, a journey marked by personal growth and empowerment.

Chris Overcame Shame, Fear, and Norms to Embrace His Identity As a Gay Man

Chris reflects on his struggles with shame, reminiscing about his sadness for the younger self who felt compelled to hide. He describes feeling like he was holding his breath until 27, but once he started to accept himself, the freedom to breathe was too good to stop. Chris found pivotal in his journey of self-acceptance the realization that he had to stop hating himself and live openly as a gay man.

Therapy, Reflection, and Bei ...

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Identity Formation and Self-Acceptance

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • You can start a personal growth journal to explore your identity and track your journey of self-acceptance. Begin by writing down your thoughts and feelings about your identity, including any pressures you feel to conform to societal norms. Reflect on these entries regularly to notice patterns and shifts in your self-perception, which can help you understand and embrace your true self over time.
  • Create a "forgiveness map" to practice self-acceptance and let go of past judgments. On a piece of paper, draw a map that starts with you at the center. Branch out to include people and situations that have caused you pain or where you've felt judged. Next to each, write a statement of forgiveness or acceptance for that person or situation and for yourself. This visual exercise can be a powerful tool for releasing negative emotions and embracing your identity.
  • Develop a "stren ...

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Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

Coming Out and Navigating Relationships/Family

Chris's journey of coming out is marked by deep personal challenges and the complexities of managing family dynamics through a process that requires patience, empathy, and growth.

Coming Out Was a Challenging Process For Chris

Chris Hid His Sexuality Out of Shame and Fear

Chris hid his sexuality for a long time, driven by shame and fear, particularly concerning how it would impact his family. Though Chris loved his partner, he did not want to be gay or different, a sentiment tied to experiences from his youth in Northern England, where being gay was not accepted and often met with fear and ignorance. This fear was compounded by societal fears at the time, such as the association between being gay and AIDS.

Telling His Partner and Family Was Hard, as They Had to Process the Change

Revealing his sexuality was a daunting task for Chris. He found it extremely difficult to acknowledge his truth, even to himself until he was well into adulthood. When he finally did come out, he felt as if he was an automatic pilot, reverting to feeling like the kid at school again, someone who didn't want to be different. Breaking the news to his partner was particularly hard, as it necessitated a period of grief for her. The challenge extended to his family, with each member reacting differently to his coming out.

Chris Struggled With His Sexuality Impacting His Children

The fear of his children facing bullying and homophobia, similar to what Chris experienced in his childhood, loomed over him. After a critical incident landed him in the hospital and brought his sexuality to the forefront, his children's well-being became his top priority. The gossip that followed in their small town led Chris and his partner to inform their children about his sexuality. He reassured them he was the same person, but their confusion and concerns about their lives changing were apparent. The weight of his shame was so great that Chris considered leaving to protect them from the potential pain and stigma of having a gay father.

Chris Honored His Partner's and Family's Grief Process

Chris respected his partner's and family's emotional journeys and understood that they needed to process his coming out in their way. He could not control their emotions but gave them space to go through th ...

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Coming Out and Navigating Relationships/Family

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • You can create a personal roadmap for difficult conversations by first writing down the key points you want to address, anticipating questions, and considering the emotional impact on both sides. This preparation can make the process of discussing sensitive topics like sexuality more manageable and respectful for everyone involved. For example, if you're planning to discuss your financial struggles with a loved one, outline your current situation, potential solutions, and how you feel about it to guide the conversation constructively.
  • Develop a family support plan that includes resources such as counseling, support groups, and educational materials to help your family members process changes or challenges. If you're going through a major life transition, like a career change, gather information on what to expect and how it might affect your family, and then share this with them along with a list of local support services they can reach out to if needed.
  • Practice r ...

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Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

Navigating Public Life and Personal Struggles

Celebrity hairstylist Chris Appleton candidly discusses the complexities of managing a public life while grappling with personal challenges, offering insights into his journey towards resilience and self-compassion.

Celebrity Hairstylist Chris: Public Persona vs. Private Struggles

Scrutiny and Speculation Around Chris's Life Added To His Challenges

Appleton experiences the difficulty of navigating public scrutiny while dealing with his own private issues. This challenging duality is marked by negative headlines and tabloid speculation, which has a palpable impact on his mental well-being. Although he uses humor as a defense mechanism, he acknowledges that humor does not always alleviate the discomfort of public criticism.

Chris Achieved Alignment Through Therapy and Reflection

Despite not explicitly mentioning therapy and reflection, Appleton hints at a transformative personal journey. Through talking about his challenges and accepting that he was not okay, it implies the positive role of therapy and self-reflection in his life. This inner work has helped him achieve alignment and inner peace, contributing to his authentic public persona.

Resilience and Self-Care in Public Persona Amid Private Turmoil

The hairstylist addresses the harshness of living in the spotlight and the relief that comes from owning his truth. Appleton stresses the value of self-care and resilience to maintain his polished public image, even when his private life is in turmoil, alluding to the role of personal healing in shaping his resilience.

Ending a Public Relationship Brings Challenges and Growth Opportunities

Chris Saw the End of His Relationship As a Chance to Learn and Evolve

Chris is steadfast in his belief that the end of a relationship marks an opportunity for personal evolution. He underscores the lessons learned about what matters to him, ...

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Navigating Public Life and Personal Struggles

Additional Materials

Actionables

  • Create a humor journal to document instances where you use humor as a coping mechanism, noting the effectiveness and the reactions of others. This will help you become more aware of how humor impacts your interactions and well-being. For example, after a stressful day, write down any jokes or funny comments you made and reflect on whether they helped you feel better or deflected criticism effectively.
  • Develop a personal growth plan following a significant life change, such as a breakup, focusing on the insights gained. Start by listing the lessons learned about boundaries, self-love, and growth. Then, set specific goals that align with these insights, such as dedicating time each week to a new hobby that fosters self-love or practicing saying "no" to honor your boundaries.
  • Implement a daily "alignment check-in" wher ...

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Chris Appleton EXCLUSIVE: “I Thought My Kids Would Be Better Off Without Me” Opening up About The Darkest Night of His Life and What FINALLY Gave Him The Courage to Live Authentically

The Role of Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

Chris Appleton emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and the willingness to undertake inner work that is crucial for personal transformation and continuing the journey of personal growth.

Self-Reflection and Willingness for Difficult Inner Work Are Crucial for Personal Transformation

Chris stresses the significance of sitting with oneself and processing situations, which he confides is never easy, but he also underlines the rewards that come from such challenging work. He mentions having a therapist and suggests therapy as a profound facilitator of inner work that leads to critical self-acceptance.

Chris's Therapy and Self-Exploration Led To Self-Acceptance

Chris's reflective journey was instrumental in releasing deeply held façades and embracing genuine self-discovery, a process that was difficult and sometimes painful but ultimately led to his self-acceptance. This process involved grieving the loss of his old identity and unlearning limiting beliefs about himself by facing shame and allowing himself the space to grow and understand.

Personal Growth Is a Journey, Not a Destination

Chris Admits He's Still Learning

Chris admits to the ongoing nature of his learning journey, having been in therapy for nine years and still recognizing his growth as an evolving process. His acknowledgment indicates that he perceives personal growth to be a continuum rather than a static destination.

Personal Growth Insights Can Inspire Others

Through sharing his struggles and experiences in his book, Chris hopes to offer comfort to those who may feel isolated, inspire others to embrace their truths, and realize their potential beyond stereotypes. His storytelling is motivated by the desire to support others in their own processes of self-acceptance ...

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The Role of Self-Reflection and Personal Growth

Additional Materials

Counterarguments

  • While self-reflection is important, it can sometimes lead to excessive introspection and rumination, which may be counterproductive for some individuals.
  • Therapy is a valuable tool for many, but it is not universally accessible or effective for everyone; alternative support systems or methods may be necessary.
  • The concept of personal growth as a never-ending journey might be overwhelming or discouraging for some, who may benefit from recognizing and celebrating specific milestones of achievement.
  • The idea that one is always in a state of learning can overshadow the importance of applying learned knowledge and becoming confident in one's abilities.
  • Sharing personal growth insights can inspire o ...

Actionables

  • Start a 'Reflection Ritual' by setting aside 10 minutes each evening to write down moments where you felt challenged or uncomfortable and explore the emotions and thoughts behind those moments. This practice can help you identify patterns in your behavior and areas for personal growth, much like self-reflection aids transformation. For example, if you notice you often feel defensive when receiving feedback, you might explore why that is and how you can respond more openly in the future.
  • Create a 'Growth Journey Scrapbook' where you visually document your personal growth experiences, including both successes and setbacks. Use photos, quotes, and brief journal entries to make it a creative and ongoing project. This can serve as a tangible reminder that personal growth is an ongoing process, not a one-time achievement. For instance, you might include a photo from a day you tried something new, alongside a note about what you learned from the experience.
  • Develop an 'Empathy Exercise' by engaging in a weekly activity where you consciously practice seeing situation ...

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