Feeling Unsupported, Misunderstood, or Doubted? You Are Not Alone! (THIS 7-Step Method Will Help Silence the Self Doubt And Build REAL Confidence)
In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty addresses how to handle opposition and self-doubt when pursuing new ideas. He examines common biases that lead us to expect universal support, explaining how others' negative responses often reflect their own insecurities rather than our capabilities. Shetty and Adam Grant explore research showing how support can come from unexpected sources, including why strangers might be more receptive to new ideas than friends and family.
The episode delves into practical strategies for building genuine confidence through action rather than waiting for confidence to appear on its own. Drawing from Albert Bandura's research on the relationship between competence and confidence, Shetty explains how taking action and gaining experience naturally increases confidence over time. He also discusses the role of vulnerability in creating authentic connections with others while pursuing personal growth.
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1-Page Summary
Overcoming Biases For Expecting Universal Support
Jay Shetty explores how we can better handle opposition when presenting new ideas, starting with the false consensus effect - our tendency to overestimate how many others share our viewpoints. To counter this bias, Shetty suggests approaching others with curiosity and better listening skills rather than expecting immediate understanding.
Reframing Rejection and Criticism as Protection and Growth Opportunity
When facing rejection, Shetty explains that others' negative responses often stem from their own fears and insecurities rather than a true assessment of our capabilities. He encourages listeners to view criticism constructively, using it to refine ideas and create solutions to potential problems rather than letting it diminish their ambitions.
Building Belief and Support From Unexpected Sources
Shetty and Adam Grant discuss how support often comes from unexpected places. They point to research showing that strangers can be more receptive to new ideas than friends and family, as they don't carry preconceived notions about our capabilities. Grant introduces the "Ben Franklin effect," which suggests that small mutual exchanges can quickly build trust with new connections.
Building Confidence Through Action and Competence
Rather than waiting to feel confident, Shetty advocates for taking action first. He references Albert Bandura's research on the "competence-confidence loop," where confidence increases as a result of taking action and gaining experience. Shetty emphasizes the importance of embracing imperfection and vulnerability in this process, noting that while perfection might impress, it's vulnerability that creates genuine connections with others.
1-Page Summary
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While curiosity and better listening skills are valuable, they may not always be sufficient to overcome deep-seated biases or ideological differences that can impede understanding.
- Reframing rejection and criticism as growth opportunities is a positive mindset, but it's also important to acknowledge that some criticism may be valid and require more than just a change in perspective.
- While strangers can provide fresh perspectives, the support of friends and family often comes with a deeper understanding of one's history and context, which can be invaluable.
- The "Ben Franklin effect" suggests reciprocity builds trust, but trust can also be built through consistent actions over time, shared values, or demonstrated integrity without the need for mutual exchanges.
- Taking action is important for building confidence, but it's also necessary to ensure that the actions taken are well-informed and not just impulsive, as poorly considered actions can lead to setbacks.
- Embracing imperfection is important, but in some professional or high-stakes environments, striving for excellence and minimizing errors is critical and expected.
Actionables
- You can start a "Curiosity Journal" to enhance your listening and understanding of others by jotting down questions you have about people you interact with daily. This practice encourages you to actively think about what you don't know about others and prepares you to engage with them more deeply during conversations. For example, if a coworker mentions a hobby, write down a question about what got them interested in that hobby, and make a point to ask them about it the next time you chat.
- Create a "Rejection Reflection" template that prompts you to analyze and extract lessons from each rejection or criticism you face. This template could include sections like "Initial Feelings," "Possible Growth Points," and "Actionable Steps." After receiving criticism, fill out the template to transform your emotional response into a constructive plan for personal development.
- Initiate a "Trust Challenge" where you reach out to someone you don't know well and offer a small favor or assistance, aiming to invoke the Ben Franklin effect. Keep track of these interactions in a log and note any changes in the relationship over time. For instance, if you notice a neighbor struggling with groceries, offer to help carry them and then observe whether this leads to more friendly interactions in the future.
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Overcoming Biases For Expecting Universal Support
Jay Shetty explores the concept of the false consensus effect and proposes strategies on how to deal with opposition and criticism when presenting new ideas to others.
Clarify Ideas For Others
Avoid Assuming Others Understand and Agree With Your Perspective
Explaining the cognitive bias known as the false consensus effect, Jay Shetty discusses how we tend to overestimate the extent to which others share our viewpoints due to the perceived obviousness and logic of our own beliefs. To counter this bias, Shetty recommends not expecting universal support outright and instead encourages curiosity, enhanced questioning, better listening, and smarter explaining when others do not immediately comprehend your idea.
Rejection Often Stems From Fear and Insecurity
Others' Doubts and Criticisms Often Reflect Their Own Unmet Goals, Not Your Potential
Expanding on why people might not support a novel idea, Shetty talks about how individuals tend to project their own limitations onto another person's vision. He cautions against allowing the apprehensions of those who have not achieved their own dreams to hinder your own ambitions. According to Shetty, feedback from individuals who have not led a life you aspi ...
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Overcoming Biases For Expecting Universal Support
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- While the false consensus effect is a recognized cognitive bias, it's also possible that people sometimes correctly gauge the level of agreement among their peers, especially within homogeneous groups.
- Assuming others don't understand or agree might lead to over-explaining or patronizing communication, which can be off-putting.
- Encouraging curiosity and questioning is valuable, but there's also a need for decisiveness and confidence in one's ideas to inspire trust and leadership.
- Rejection can stem from valid and rational concerns, not just fear and insecurity.
- Critics may offer valuable insights based on experience and wisdom, even if they haven't achieved the same goals as the proposer.
- Feedback from diverse sources, including those who have not followed the same path, can provide a broader perspective that might be crucial for success.
- Using criticism constructively is important, but it's also essential to recognize when criticism is well-founded and when an idea genuinely needs to be reconsidered or abandoned.
- Turning negatives into a checklist ...
Actionables
- You can create a "perspective journal" to document and analyze instances where you encounter opposition or misunderstanding. Each time you present an idea and it's met with resistance, write down the specifics of the situation, the arguments presented against your idea, and your initial assumptions about the audience's perspective. This will help you identify patterns in misunderstandings and refine your approach to communication.
- Develop a "feedback transformation tool" using a simple spreadsheet or note-taking app. Whenever you receive criticism or doubts about your ideas, enter them into the tool and categorize them into themes like "fear-based," "knowledge gaps," or "unmet goals." Next to each piece of feedback, brainstorm a constructive response or a way to incorporate the feedback into improving your idea. This turns criticism into a ...
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Reframing Rejection and Criticism as Protection and Growth Opportunity
Shetty delves into how rejection from others often stems from their own concerns and fears, rather than a true assessment of one’s capabilities.
Rejection Protects From Risks and Failures
Shetty explains that when others reject our ideas or plans, it may not necessarily be a judgment of our abilities. Instead, their rejection often reflects their own fears, insecurities, or limitations. He recalls instances where he shared his ambitions with family and friends, only to be met with concerns about practical matters such as financial stability.
Others' Concerns Reflect Desire For Security, Not Judgment of Your Abilities
These individuals were not being malicious or suggesting Shetty wasn't capable of achieving his goals. Rather, their concerns were rooted in their own desire for security and safety. The doubts expressed by Shetty’s family and friends mirrored the values they cherished, revealing a protective instinct rather than an intent to discourage his aspirations.
Use Resistance and Doubt to Strengthen Your Goal Commitment
Shetty encourage ...
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Reframing Rejection and Criticism as Protection and Growth Opportunity
Additional Materials
Counterarguments
- Rejection may sometimes be a valid assessment of one’s capabilities and not just a reflection of the rejector's fears and concerns.
- Not all rejections protect from risks and failures; some may actually prevent opportunities for learning and growth that come from taking risks.
- Concerns from others can sometimes be a mix of both a desire for security and a legitimate judgment of one’s abilities based on their observations or expertise.
- While doubt and resistance can sometimes strengthen commitment to goals, they can also lead to unnecessary self-doubt and hinder progress if not managed properly.
- Using skepticism solely as a catalyst to fortify resolve might ...
Actionables
- Turn a rejection into a personal development plan by identifying the underlying concerns and addressing them with targeted skill-building. For instance, if you're turned down for a promotion due to a perceived lack of leadership experience, proactively seek out leadership courses or volunteer for project management roles to build and demonstrate those skills.
- Create a "Rejection Resume" where you list rejections and the lessons learned from each. This can help you track your growth and remind you that each 'no' has contributed to your development. For example, if you were rejected from a writing contest, you might note how it pushed you to take a creative writing class, which improved your storytelling abilities.
- Use a journal to reflect on instances of doubt or resistance you encounter and formulate a pl ...
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Building Belief and Support From Unexpected Sources
Jay Shetty and Adam Grant illuminate pathways for garnering belief and support from beyond one’s familiar social circle, exploring the "Ben Franklin effect" and the potential of unacquainted advocates.
Seek Support and Validation From Open-Minded Strangers
Shetty and research suggest that strangers can be more receptive to new ideas than friends and family, primarily because they don't carry preconceived notions of your past experiences and identities.
Leverage the "Ben Franklin Effect" to Build Trust With New Connections
The "Ben Franklin effect" implies that small mutual exchanges can rapidly build trust, even with those we don't know well. Leveraging this effect can be particularly advantageous when reaching out to people who aren't already part of your life.
Support Often Comes From Outside Your Circle
According to Grant, strangers aren't emotionally tied to your past and might therefore be more supportive of your growth. Your inner circle, however, may unconsciously hold you to your past identity, potentially limiting their faith in your future potential.
Recognize That Those Who Will Believe In Yo ...
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Building Belief and Support From Unexpected Sources
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Counterarguments
- While strangers may not have preconceived notions, they may also lack the necessary context to fully understand or appreciate the new ideas, which can be crucial for meaningful support.
- The "Ben Franklin effect" might not always lead to genuine trust, as some individuals may engage in reciprocal behavior out of social obligation rather than true rapport.
- Support from within one's circle can be deeply valuable, as it often comes from a place of understanding and long-term commitment.
- Friends and family may offer critical feedback that, although it may seem unsupportive, is intended to help refine and improve ideas based on intimate knowledge of one's strengths and weaknesses.
- Strangers might support your growth, but their support could be fleeting or less reliable than that of close connections who have a vested interest in your success.
- The belief in your next chapter from those who know you well can be more impactful and motivating than that of strangers, as it is grounded in a history of observed capabilities and achievements.
- Being alone in ...
Actionables
- You can expand your support network by joining online forums related to your interests. Start by sharing your ideas and projects in these communities, as they are filled with people who are already interested in similar topics and may be more open to supporting your endeavors. For example, if you're passionate about environmental conservation, participate in a subreddit or a Facebook group dedicated to sustainability, where you can connect with like-minded strangers who might back your initiatives.
- Try volunteering for a cause you're passionate about to meet people who could become champions of your growth. Volunteering not only exposes you to new individuals outside your current circle but also positions you as someone committed to making a difference, which can attract support from others who value your dedication. For instance, if you're working on a project to improve literacy, volunteer at a local library or literacy program to connect with potential supporters.
- Create a personal "idea pitch" video and share it on social media platforms with hashtags ...
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Building Confidence Through Action and Competence Rather Than Waiting
Jay Shetty outlines a proactive approach to confidence, emphasizing that action, competence, and vulnerability are essential for self-belief and connection with others.
Action Precedes Confidence
The "Competence-Confidence Loop": Wins and Evidence Build Self-Belief
Shetty encourages taking action to attain confidence rather than waiting to feel confident. He recalls how practicing speaking to empty rooms helped him to bring the same energy and enthusiasm to large audiences later. He emphasizes that taking action creates proof, which fosters self-belief, as people often believe an idea only once it has been shown to work. Action, the accumulation of small wins, and the experience gained from trying and even failing are what build confidence – not the other way around.
Shetty illustrates that belief is built through action, with commitment coming before confidence. He references Albert Bandura's research, which indicates that confidence increases as a result of taking action, forming a competence-confidence loop.
Take Imperfect, Messy Steps Instead of Waiting For Perfection
"Confidence Earned Through Repeated Failures and Willingness to Try"
Shetty argues against waiting for everything to be perfect before starting. By publicizing his journey on Facebook as an experiment, he exemplified the importance of taking steps toward your goals irrespective of the imperfections. He discusses gratitude for small achievements, like appreciating 10 video views instead of lamenting the lack of more viewers. He advises looking back on past achievements as fuel for future growth and taking tangible steps like creating a sample or demo to show an idea works, even if it isn't flawless.
Public speakers, he points out, didn't start out confident; they built their confidence by being willing to encounter failure and persist. Shetty underscores that confidence is cultivated through repeated experiences.
Publicize Failures and Vulnerability to Build Trust
A ...
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Building Confidence Through Action and Competence Rather Than Waiting
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Counterarguments
- While action can build confidence, some individuals may require initial support or therapy to overcome deep-seated fears or anxiety before they can take the first steps.
- The "Competence-Confidence Loop" might not account for individuals who suffer from imposter syndrome, where despite competence, confidence does not necessarily follow.
- The idea that commitment and action always precede confidence may not consider the need for a minimal level of confidence to initiate action in the first place.
- Imperfect action is valuable, but in some fields, such as medicine or engineering, striving for perfection is crucial due to the potential consequences of errors.
- Repeated failures can sometimes lead to discouragement and burnout rather than confidence, depending on the individual's resilience and support system.
- Publicizing failures and vulnerabilities might not always be appropriate or beneficial in certain professional contexts where credibility and authority are paramount.
- While authenticity and vulnerabi ...
Actionables
- Start a "confidence journal" where you document daily actions taken towards your goals, no matter how small, to visually track your progress and reinforce the competence-confidence loop. For example, if you're afraid of public speaking, write down each time you speak up in a meeting or practice your speech, noting how it felt and what you learned, not just the outcome.
- Create a "vulnerability vault" in a personal blog or social media account where you share stories of your failures and lessons learned, aiming to connect with others through shared experiences. This could be as simple as posting about a project that didn't go as planned, detailing what went wrong, what you learned, and how you're moving forward, which can encourage others to share and connect over common struggles.
- Implement a "courage challeng ...
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