Do you believe charisma is a “born-with-it” trait, or a skill that can be mastered? In his book Winning With People, John Maxwell argues that anyone can build meaningful relationships by learning specific, actionable principles. Since relationship success is the bedrock of achievement in both business and life, Maxwell outlines five essential criteria—from emotional readiness to mutual trust—that serve as a roadmap for turning every interaction into a winning connection.
Maxwell’s “People Principles” explore how your internal state shapes your external reality and why investing in others is the most valuable use of your time. Whether you’re a seasoned leader looking to refine your influence or someone struggling to maintain bonds, continue reading to learn the key lessons that will help you cultivate the people skills necessary for a fulfilling, successful life.
Table of Contents
Overview of Winning With People by John Maxwell
Many people believe charisma and people skills are innate gifts—you either have them or you don’t. However, in Winning With People, John Maxwell challenges this assumption and argues that these skills that are necessary for building strong relationships are learnable. He contends that learning these skills is crucial because relationship success underpins success in every other area of life, while failures often stem from problematic relationships. To master people skills and achieve fulfilling relationships, Maxwell says you must meet five criteria: Be prepared for relationships, focus on others, build mutual trust, invest in people, and establish shared benefits.
John C. Maxwell is a #1 New York Times best-selling author, leadership expert, and speaker. Before devoting himself full-time to speaking and writing, Maxwell was a pastor for many years. Now, Maxwell is the founder of several nonprofit organizations that train leaders worldwide: The John Maxwell Company, The John Maxwell Team, and EQUIP. His best-selling books include The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, The 16 Undeniable Laws of Communication, The 5 Levels of Leadership, and more. He’s been identified as the most influential leadership expert in the world by Inc. Magazine and Business Insider.
This overview of John Maxwell’s Winning With People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time (published in 2004) explores the lessons you must learn to meet Maxwell’s five criteria.
Part 1: Be Prepared for Relationships
Maxwell explains that despite the desire to connect, many people struggle to build and maintain relationships because they’re not emotionally ready. Their lack of emotional skills leads to negative behaviors such as overreacting or projecting their insecurities onto others, which creates conflict and brings others down. People may lack emotional skills for many reasons—maybe they never witnessed healthy interactions growing up, they’re too self-absorbed to notice others’ needs, or they’ve been hurt so badly that everyone seems like a potential threat. Whatever the cause, Maxwell says people must take accountability for their issues and the initiative to build emotional readiness.
Ultimately, Maxwell contends that if you repeatedly struggle to build and maintain meaningful connections, or if you find yourself losing relationships to conflict, the problem is most likely a lack of emotional readiness on your end. We’ll discuss three essential lessons you must learn to help build the emotional skills necessary for relationships: 1) that your inner state shapes how you perceive and treat others, 2) that overreacting can kill relationships, and 3) that you have the power to uplift people or bring them down.
Lesson 1: Your Internal State Shapes How You Perceive and Treat Others
Maxwell explains that our inner world—our expectations, attitudes, and assumptions—forms the lens through which we view our external world. These inner elements shape how positive or negative we are, how kind or cold we are, how trusting we are, how we judge others, how we treat others, and how we let others treat us.
Because of this phenomenon, Maxwell claims that the people who often have problems with others are the real problem—the flaw lies with their personal outlook, not with everyone else in the world. For example, if you think most people are stupid, the reality might be that you’re the one struggling with a pessimistic and limited perspective.
Likewise, Maxwell explains that people who carry heavy pain inside them attract more pain to themselves and cause pain for others. For example, imagine that you were abandoned by a loved one and still carry that abandonment wound. Whenever you sense someone being even slightly distant, that wound starts hurting again, and your pain may make you lash out at others, causing them pain as well. This triggers past pain for you, adds more pain from the present circumstance, and causes others to hurt alongside you. You may even end up pushing the person away, adding yet another layer to your pain.
Maxwell contends that nearly everyone has past experiences and traumas that contribute to a negative outlook or deep pain. However, the difference between people who let it paint their reality and those who don’t is accountability—for both your inner world and your actions toward others.
Let’s explore how to examine yourself, manage your inner world, and deal with others who are struggling to do so.
Examine Yourself
According to Maxwell, the first part of taking accountability for your emotional readiness is self-awareness—the ability to know yourself. The second part is having a positive view of yourself—a positive self-image will encourage you to rise up to meet it, while a negative self-image will drag you down. The third part is self-accountability—acknowledging that you’re both the biggest obstacle in your life as well as the most influential factor for changing it. The final part is self-improvement—acknowledging that you must change to make things better.
Further, Maxwell emphasizes that self-improvement requires ongoing commitment. Many people struggle with this, turning to quick fixes that temporarily ease their pain without addressing the real problem. For example, someone who’s struggling to connect with their partner might have an affair to avoid the issue and feel a superficial connection with another. However, this relief is temporary and only makes things worse in the end. The right approach is to focus on becoming the person you want to be and doing what’s right, even when it’s difficult and painful.
Deal With Others
While it’s important to focus inward first, Maxwell also provides some tips to help you interact with people who create conflict, lash out, or push you away. First, remember not to take things personally—these people are prone to creating issues and finding flaws even if your actions and intentions are pure. Protect your inner peace by not letting another person’s reaction impact your emotional balance. Second, try to empathize with them by looking for the deeper reason that the person might be reacting this way—for example, maybe they recently lost someone important and their pain is causing them to lash out. Finally, try to control your emotional response so you don’t meet their pain with yours and make the situation worse for both parties.
Lesson 2: Overreacting Can Kill Relationships
According to Maxwell, the next lesson we must learn after becoming emotionally ready for relationships is the art of reacting appropriately. Overreacting can kill relationships because it makes problems worse: When your reaction exceeds the initial action, conflicts escalate, and emotional walls build up over time. People might forget what you said, but they’ll remember how you treated them, so harsh reactions can create lasting damage. Often, overreaction stems from selfish motives—focusing on being right rather than preserving the relationship.
To overcome harmful reactions, Maxwell recommends recognizing when you overreact. Getting input from others can help with this, as we often view ourselves as reasonable while others see us as difficult. Once you become aware of your reactions, control them with four steps: First, listen and ask clarifying questions before responding. Second, engage when both you and the other person are ready for a productive conversation. Third, use a respectful tone and delivery to avoid conveying or inciting defensiveness. Finally, drop the issue once you’ve shared your perspective—don’t drag out problems or revisit the past.
Lesson 3: You Have the Power to Uplift People or Bring Them Down
Maxwell’s final lesson in preparing for relationships is to recognize that our presence either helps or harms others—we’re rarely neutral. He elaborates that the difference between helpers and harmers is intentionality. Helpers deliberately aid others through small actions such as encouragement, compliments, and assistance. Harmers, on the other hand, tend to take from others because giving requires effort and skills they haven’t developed.
To be a helper, Maxwell recommends committing to daily encouragement, taking small actions to positively impact those around you, initiating positivity even in negative environments, and acting immediately rather than waiting. Anyone can become a helper regardless of their circumstances—it simply requires intentionality and the willingness to care for others.
Part 2: Focus on Others
Next, Maxwell explains that successful relationships require you to focus on others, not just yourself. Focusing on others is what allows us to truly connect with them—no matter how much you love or care about someone, you will struggle to satisfy your desire for connection until you’re able to focus outward. Maxwell adds that focusing on others not only forms meaningful relationships but also allows us to serve others, which is an important part of feeling true fulfillment.
To be able to focus on others, Maxwell says you must learn three lessons: to put others before yourself, to put yourself in others’ shoes, and to regard others highly.
Lesson 1: Truly Caring About Others Fosters Relationships
Maxwell explains that truly caring about others means being interested in them and valuing their thoughts and feelings. Maxwell illustrates two ways in which our care for others helps us build relationships.
First, caring builds relationships because people become interested in those who show interest in them—this mutual interest is what makes new relationships blossom and existing ones flourish. You can demonstrate interest by smiling, using people’s names, listening actively, discussing their interests, and showing appreciation.
Second, caring helps you handle conflict effectively by encouraging you to prioritize the other person’s well-being over being right. Conflict naturally occurs in all relationships and can ruin them if handled incorrectly. Maxwell recommends handling conflict with care by addressing issues promptly, understanding all angles before raising concerns, clearly explaining your perspective and feelings, then listening fully and creating a mutual plan to solve the problem and prevent recurrence.
Lesson 2: Strive to Understand Others’ Perspectives
Next, Maxwell explains that focusing on others requires setting aside your ego and understanding their perspectives rather than assuming yours is the only correct one. We often judge others harshly while judging ourselves kindly because we understand our own reasoning. Extending this same understanding to others fosters connection and avoids conflict.
To understand others’ perspectives, Maxwell recommends that you consider the situations, culture, and environment that shape other people’s views. Acknowledge that their experiences have created a perspective as valid as yours. Finally, ask what they would do in your situation and actively seek their viewpoint.
Lesson 3: Regard Others Highly
Finally, Maxwell explains that regarding others highly allows us to serve them—serving others not only builds connection but brings us fulfillment. This happens for two reasons:
First, when we believe in people and treat them according to their potential, we serve them by evoking that potential in them. To initiate this process, you should strive to see people’s higher potential, believe in their daily possibilities for change, remember that everyone needs support to succeed, and treat people as their best selves. This creates a chain reaction when the people we help go on to positively impact others.
Second, seeing others’ value allows us to learn from them and improve ourselves. To learn from others, Maxwell recommends making continuous learning a priority, focusing on everyone’s strengths, building relationships with people who foster your growth, and staying curious by asking questions.
Part 3: Build Mutual Trust
Maxwell explains that trust is the foundation of all relationships—without it, relationships fail or never begin. Trust means believing someone is an honest, reliable, and fair person of integrity. Breaking someone’s trust means doing something that puts your adherence to these characteristics into question—it can be as subtle as withholding information or as major as lying or betrayal.
To build mutual trust and avoid breaking it, you must understand two lessons: first, that trust is foundational to relationships, and second, that trust is earned through consistent actions and your treatment of others, not given freely.
Lesson 1: Trust Is Foundational to Relationships
Maxwell says people must enable themselves to build mutual trust by understanding that it’s what allows people to be vulnerable and rely on one another—without these qualities, a relationship is shallow or nonexistent. To be trustworthy, Maxwell recommends building character and being honest with yourself. You must also ensure you’re trustworthy in all aspects of life—trust can’t be compartmentalized. For example, being honest at work but deceptive at home will eventually undermine trust everywhere.
Further, Maxwell emphasizes that you must maintain trustworthiness over time. While a single betrayal can destabilize years of faithfulness, something more subtle (such as repeated secretive behavior) can erode trust gradually.
Maxwell writes that it isn’t easy to regain trust when it’s been lost. You must genuinely apologize, understand what caused the breach in trust, correct the underlying issue, and recognize that rebuilding trust takes far longer than breaking it. For example, repairing trust when you’ve betrayed a partner might entail giving up certain privacies, such as keeping your phone activity private if this led to the betrayal.
Lesson 2: Trust Is Built Through Choices and Actions
Next, Maxwell explains that building mutual trust requires people to understand that trust is built or diminished through the accumulation of their choices and actions.
First, building trust requires you to constantly make choices that prioritize your relationship, regardless of the situation you may be in at the moment. For example, you and your partner might be going through a rough patch, but that doesn’t make it OK to start seeking emotional support from your cute coworker. Positive relationships require an ongoing commitment to make choices that respect the other person, even when a tough situation might encourage you to do otherwise.
Second, Maxwell says that you must build and maintain trust by being a warm and welcoming person—this makes people comfortable and allows them to open up. To be welcoming, strive to be a kind and accepting person who is authentic, empathetic, forgiving, and consistent—be these things all the time, not just when you’re in the mood.
Third, Maxwell says to build mutual trust by creating allies—people you’ll support in tough times and who will support you as well. These are people you share unconditional love, support, and empathy with—you’ll be there for each other regardless of the circumstances.
Part 4: Invest In Others
According to Maxwell, the resources you put into others—time, energy, and effort—are some of the most important investments you can make, as they reward you with high-quality relationships. This is because good relationships require continual maintenance—you must regularly put time and energy into your relationships to ensure they develop into deep connections that are healthy and satisfying for both parties. Further, the energy you put into others will determine the energy they give back to you.
To invest in others, Maxwell recommends learning two lessons: to consistently tend your relationships and to always treat others with high regard.
Lesson 1: Relationships Need Ongoing Tending to Flourish
Maxwell explains that investing in others is an ongoing process—you must put consistent effort into your relationships and focus on the positive.
Maxwell lays out a few ways you can put consistent effort into your relationships. For example, persist through difficulties and learn to have both easy and difficult conversations. You must also prioritize the other person’s concerns and advocate for them. Ensure you’re creating shared memories to build bonds and growing together to keep the relationship fresh. Finally, show ongoing care by spoiling each other through small, regular kindnesses.
According to Maxwell, focusing on the positive helps us connect with others. It entails focusing on the things you agree on rather than the things you don’t. Doing this not only avoids conflict but builds common ground, which is the foundation for relationships to change and grow.
Lesson 2: Honor Others
According to Maxwell, investing in others requires you to honor and respect them. This means celebrating their accomplishments just as much as you mourn their struggles, and treating people well.
Maxwell explains that celebrating others’ successes strengthens relationships because people feel isolated and unsupported when their achievements go unacknowledged. To celebrate others effectively, recognize that achievement requires community rather than competition, celebrate what matters to others from their perspective, acknowledge progress people may not yet see in themselves, and prioritize celebration with those closest to you.
Further, Maxwell argues that treating others well is the best investment in relationships because it creates positive connections and brings out the best in everyone. You should follow this principle even if that means treating others better than they treat you.
