We’ve put together discussion questions for How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie that you can use with a book club, a class at school, or a team at work. We include sample answers, book club activities that will help you get more out of what you’ve read, and recommendations for more reading if you like this book.
Table of Contents
Book Synopsis
Dale Carnegie’s classic self-help book presents techniques for improving interpersonal relationships and persuading others in both personal and professional contexts. Published in 1936, the book is built around fundamental principles organized into four main sections:
- Handling people without engendering resentment
- Making people like you
- Winning people to your way of thinking
- Being a leader who can change people without causing offense.
The core philosophy entails genuine interest in others, active listening, and making people feel important and appreciated. Carnegie advocates avoiding criticism and condemnation, giving honest appreciation, smiling, remembering names, encouraging others to talk about themselves, and seeing things from another person’s perspective. Through numerous real-world examples and anecdotes, he demonstrates how these techniques—rooted in sympathy, positivity, and respect—can transform relationships, increase influence, and lead to greater success in virtually any social or business situation.
Read Shortform’s comprehensive guide to this book.
How to Win Friends and Influence People Discussion Questions & Sample Answers
Along with discussion questions for How to Win Friends and Influence People, we include sample answers you can use as prompts.
- What do you think is Carnegie’s most important principle, and why does it resonate with you?
- Sample answer: For me, it’s definitely the idea of avoiding criticism and condemnation. I’ve seen so many times in my own life how putting someone on the defensive just shuts down any possibility of real communication. When I think about the times I’ve changed my behavior or opinion, it was never because someone attacked me for being wrong—it was because someone made me feel understood first. That principle alone could probably solve half the conflicts in most workplaces.
- How relevant do you think Carnegie’s advice is in today’s digital age of social media and text communication?
- Sample answer: Honestly, I think it’s even more relevant now than when it was written. We’ve lost so much of that personal touch in our digital interactions, and people are more prone to criticism and snap judgments online. The principles about making people feel important and listening genuinely are exactly what’s missing from most social media exchanges. Though, I will say that remembering someone’s name is a lot easier now when it’s literally displayed on their profile!
- Carnegie emphasizes the importance of smiling. Do you think this can come across as inauthentic or manipulative?
- Sample answer: That’s something I struggled with while reading it. There’s definitely a fine line between being genuinely warm and putting on a fake smile to get what you want. I think the key is that Carnegie talks about developing a genuine interest in people first—the smile should come from that authentic place. If you’re just plastering on a grin while secretly disliking someone, people can tell. But if you’re actually trying to find something to appreciate about them, then yeah, a smile makes sense.
- Can you think of a time when you successfully applied one of Carnegie’s principles, even if you didn’t realize it at the time?
- Sample answer: Actually, yes! I had this coworker who was constantly resistant to my ideas in meetings. One day I started asking for her input first and genuinely listening to her concerns before presenting my own thoughts. It completely changed our dynamic. Looking back after reading this book, I realize I was letting her feel important and seeing things from her perspective—two of Carnegie’s big principles. It wasn’t manipulation; it actually helped me understand where she was coming from.
- How do you reconcile Carnegie’s advice with the need to sometimes give honest, critical feedback?
- Sample answer: This is tough because Carnegie says to avoid criticism. But, in the real world (especially at work) you can’t just never tell someone they’re doing something wrong. I think the key is in how he talks about beginning with praise and calling attention to mistakes indirectly. You can still give critical feedback, but you frame it differently; more like “here’s what’s working, and here’s an area where we could improve” rather than “you’re doing this wrong.” It’s still honest—just delivered more tactfully.
- Do you think Carnegie’s techniques work equally well across different cultures?
- Sample answer: That’s a really good question, and I don’t think they do. A lot of his advice seems very tailored to American business culture: the focus on individual importance, the directness, the smiling. In some cultures, that level of personal warmth with colleagues might be seen as inappropriate, or the emphasis on praise could come across as insincere. I think the underlying principles about respect and sympathy are universal, but the specific techniques would need to be adapted.
- Which of Carnegie’s principles do you find most difficult to put into practice?
- Sample answer: For me, it’s definitely admitting when I’m wrong, quickly and emphatically. My ego really gets in the way of that one. Even when I know I’ve messed up, there’s this voice in my head that wants to make excuses or shift blame. But Carnegie’s right that it completely disarms the other person and usually leads to a better outcome. I’m working on it, but it goes against every defensive instinct I have.
- How does Carnegie’s advice about winning arguments by avoiding them sit with you?
- Sample answer: I have mixed feelings about this one. On one hand, I’ve definitely seen that you can win an argument but lose a friend, which is exactly what Carnegie warns about. On the other hand, some things are worth arguing about, right? I think there’s a difference between arguing to be right and discussing something because the truth or the outcome actually matters. Maybe the key is knowing which battles are worth fighting and which are just about ego.
- Do you think there’s a gender dimension to Carnegie’s advice that we should consider?
- Sample answer: Absolutely. When I was reading it, I kept thinking about how women are already socialized to smile, make others feel comfortable, and avoid direct confrontation—basically to do a lot of what Carnegie recommends. Meanwhile, men are often rewarded for being more direct and assertive. So I wonder whether some of this advice is more useful for men learning to be less aggressive, while women might actually need the opposite advice sometimes—to be more direct and worry less about always making everyone else comfortable.
- Carnegie talks a lot about making the other person feel important. Where’s the line between doing this genuinely and being a people-pleaser?
- Sample answer: I think people-pleasing is about sacrificing your own needs and values to make others happy, while what Carnegie’s talking about is more like treating people with dignity and recognizing their worth. You can make someone feel heard and important without agreeing with everything they say or doing whatever they want. It’s about the quality of attention you give them and showing respect, not about becoming a doormat. Though I’ll admit, if you have people-pleasing tendencies, you do need to be careful not to interpret his advice that way.
- What do you make of the numerous examples and anecdotes Carnegie uses? Do they strengthen his argument or feel dated?
- Sample answer: Some of them definitely feel dated. I mean, references to business dealings from the 1920s and 30s don’t exactly feel relatable. But, honestly, the core situations are pretty timeless. People dealing with difficult customers, trying to motivate employees, navigating personal relationships—that stuff hasn’t changed. I think the volume of examples is actually helpful because, if one doesn’t resonate with you, another one will. Though I wouldn’t mind an updated edition with some modern examples thrown in.
- Is there any advice in the book that you strongly disagree with?
- Sample answer: I struggle with the part about always letting the other person feel like an idea is theirs. I get the psychological principle behind it, and I’m sure it works, but it feels dishonest to me. In collaborative situations, I’d rather give credit where it’s due and work together openly than manipulate someone into thinking something was their idea when it wasn’t. Maybe I’m being too idealistic, but I think genuine collaboration is more sustainable than that kind of subtle manipulation.
- How might Carnegie’s principles apply to parenting or family relationships?
- Sample answer: Oh, they’re hugely applicable! The stuff about avoiding criticism and letting people save face is so important with kids. I’ve noticed that, when I criticize my teenager directly, she just shuts down and gets defensive. But, when I follow Carnegie’s advice—such as asking questions that lead her to recognize the issue herself—we actually get somewhere. The principle about praising small improvements is also huge in parenting. Kids respond so much better to encouragement than constant correction.
- Carnegie wrote this book during the Great Depression. How do you think the economic context influenced his message?
- Sample answer: That’s interesting because I hadn’t really thought about it that way. But, yeah, when jobs were scarce and competition was fierce, knowing how to get along with people and influence them would have been even more critical. There’s almost a survival quality to some of the advice—like these are skills you need to keep your job, make sales, and get ahead when resources are limited. Maybe that’s why some of it can feel a bit transactional at times. It was written for people who were really struggling.
- Do you think someone could use Carnegie’s principles for harmful or manipulative purposes?
- Sample answer: One hundred percent, yes. That’s actually one of my concerns with the book. These techniques work because they tap into human psychology, and that same psychology can be exploited by someone with bad intentions. A con artist or an abusive person could use these exact same principles to manipulate people. I think Carnegie assumes good intentions on the reader’s part, but the book itself doesn’t really address the ethics of using these techniques. It’s kind of up to the reader to have their own moral compass.
- Which principle do you think most people violate in everyday interactions?
- Sample answer: Probably the one about being genuinely interested in other people. Most people (myself included) spend conversations waiting for their turn to talk rather than really listening. We’re all so focused on our own lives and experiences that we don’t ask good questions or show real curiosity about others. And you can tell when someone is actually interested versus just being polite—there’s a huge difference in how it feels. That’s probably the principle that, if everyone followed it, would change social dynamics the most.
- How does Carnegie’s emphasis on positive reinforcement compare to modern management and psychology research?
- Sample answer: From what I understand, modern research really backs Carnegie up on this. Positive reinforcement is way more effective than punishment for changing behavior; that’s been proven over and over in psychology studies. And good managers today are trained in a lot of these same principles, such as praising publicly and criticizing privately. Carnegie was ahead of his time in recognizing this stuff, even if he didn’t have the scientific research to back it up. Though modern approaches might be more nuanced about when and how to give feedback.
- Can you think of a public figure or leader who exemplifies Carnegie’s principles?
- Sample answer: I’d say someone like Fred Rogers (Mister Rogers) really embodied these principles. He made everyone feel important, he listened genuinely, he never talked down to people, and he approached difficult topics with kindness rather than criticism. He wasn’t trying to manipulate anyone; he just seemed to genuinely believe in the dignity and worth of every person. That’s Carnegie’s philosophy at its best, I think—when it comes from a place of authentic respect for others rather than just wanting to get your way.
- What role does authenticity play in successfully implementing Carnegie’s advice?
- Sample answer: I think it’s everything. If you’re just using these techniques as tricks to get what you want, people will eventually see through it, and you’ll come across as smarmy or manipulative. But, if you actually work on developing genuine appreciation for others and real curiosity about their perspectives (which Carnegie does talk about), then the techniques flow naturally. It’s like the difference between learning phrases in a foreign language versus actually understanding the grammar and culture. You need the authentic foundation, or it’s just empty performance.
- After reading this book, what’s one concrete change you’d like to make in how you interact with others?
- Sample answer: I really want to get better at remembering and using people’s names. I’m terrible at it. I’ll meet someone and forget their name literally two seconds later because I’m too focused on what I’m going to say next. Carnegie’s right that a person’s name is the sweetest sound to them, and I’ve noticed how much I appreciate it when someone I’ve met only once or twice remembers mine. It seems like such a small thing, but it’s actually about paying attention and making people feel like they matter. So that’s my takeaway: Be more present, and actually listen when someone introduces themselves.
Exercises for This Book
Discussing How to Win Friends and Influence People can be just the beginning! Use these exercises to get even more out of the book and apply its principles to your life.
Exercise 1: The Weekly Principle Challenge
Choose one of Carnegie’s principles each week, and consciously apply it in your daily interactions. Keep a journal where you record:
- Which principle you’re focusing on
- Specific situations where you applied it
- How people responded
- What felt natural versus what felt awkward
- What results you achieved
For example, you might spend Week 1 focusing on “Remember that a person’s name is the sweetest and most important sound to them.” Make a deliberate effort to use people’s names in conversation, and note any changes in how they respond to you. By the end of several weeks, you’ll have concrete personal evidence of which principles work best for you and in which contexts.
Exercise 2: The Before-and-After Conversation Analysis
Think of an upcoming difficult conversation you need to have—perhaps giving feedback to a colleague, addressing an issue with a family member, or negotiating something important. Write out two versions of how this conversation might go:
- Version A: How you might naturally approach it without considering Carnegie’s principles
- Version B: How you could approach it while applying relevant Carnegie principles (avoiding criticism, seeing things from their perspective, letting them save face, etc.)
After the actual conversation takes place, reflect on which approach you used and what happened. This activity helps you see the practical difference Carnegie’s techniques can make in real situations and trains you to think through interpersonal challenges more strategically.
Exercise 3: The Appreciation Audit
Create a list of people in your life (colleagues, friends, family members, service providers you interact with regularly), and identify one specific thing you genuinely appreciate about each person. Then, over the course of a week or month, make it a point to express that appreciation to them directly and specifically (not just “you’re great” but “I really appreciate how you always respond to emails quickly; it makes my job so much easier”).
Track their reactions and any changes in your relationships. This activity helps you practice Carnegie’s principle of giving honest and sincere appreciation while also training yourself to look for the positive in people rather than focusing on what annoys you. It’s especially powerful because it shifts your own attitude while simultaneously strengthening your relationships.
If You Like How to Win Friends and Influence People
If you want to read more books like How to Win Friends and Influence People, check out these titles:
- Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion—If you appreciated Carnegie’s insights into human behavior, Robert Cialdini’s book takes a more scientific approach to understanding why people say “yes” and how to apply these principles ethically. A psychology professor, Cialdini identifies six key principles of influence (reciprocity, commitment and consistency, social proof, authority, liking, and scarcity) and backs them up with decades of research. While Carnegie focuses on building genuine relationships, Cialdini helps you understand the psychological mechanisms behind why his techniques work. It’s perfect for readers who want a more analytical, research-based companion to Carnegie’s practical wisdom.
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People—Stephen Covey’s classic complements Carnegie’s interpersonal focus with a broader framework for personal effectiveness and character development. While Carnegie concentrates on influencing others, Covey emphasizes the importance of developing your own character first through habits such as “seek first to understand, then to be understood” and “think win-win.” His principle-centered approach provides the ethical foundation that some readers feel Carnegie’s book occasionally lacks. Together, these books offer a comprehensive guide to both personal development and successful relationships, with Covey providing the “why” behind becoming a better person and Carnegie offering the “how” for interacting with others.
- Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It—Written by former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Vos, this modern book applies high-stakes negotiation techniques to everyday situations in a way that resonates with Carnegie’s emphasis on sympathy and understanding others’ perspectives. Voss introduces concepts such as “tactical empathy” and the power of “mirroring” that feel like updated, psychologically sophisticated versions of Carnegie’s principles. The conversational writing style and contemporary examples make it especially appealing for readers who found Carnegie’s anecdotes dated but loved his core message. It’s practical, engaging, and shows how understanding human nature can transform not just friendships but any interaction where you need to reach an agreement.
Discuss More Books
Shortform has discussion questions for scores of books. Take a look!
How to Win Friends and Influence People—Discussion Questions
