Book SummaryWhy Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, by Julie Smith

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

In Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, psychologist Julie Smith writes that people often mistakenly believe that to improve their mental health, they need to commit to long-term, in-depth therapy—a belief that prevents many from embarking on a wellness journey. Smith argues, however, that if people have some basic education about how their minds and bodies work, they’ll be able to take control of their mental health themselves, without intensive help from a...

Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Summary Navigating Difficult Emotions and Moods

According to Smith, one of the main reasons people go to therapy is to rid themselves of difficult and painful emotions and moods. But, she writes that instead of aiming to erase all painful emotional experiences from your life (which isn’t possible), you should try to change your relationship to these experiences and learn ways to lessen their intensity.

The first step to changing your relationship with difficult emotions is understanding what they are and the purposes they serve. Then, you can practice different methods to lessen their negative impact. To begin, let’s examine what Smith says about painful and unpleasant emotions in general and then take a closer look at how to deal with low mood (which includes depression and sadness), anxiety, and grief.

(Shortform note: The idea that you can improve your mental health by changing your relationship with painful emotions is the foundation of a theory and approach in psychology called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT is based on the premise that every emotion, including negative ones, is a natural and normal part of the human experience...

Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Summary Quieting Your Inner Critic

Smith writes that your mental health will significantly improve when you quiet your inner critic and cultivate self-acceptance. To do so, Smith recommends you learn to tolerate negative feedback, build your confidence, become comfortable with failure, and strive to accept and love yourself unconditionally.

Being OK With Negative Feedback

Everyone experiences criticism and disapproval from others, so it’s important to build the skills to tolerate it. This doesn’t mean we should force ourselves not to care what others think. That would be an unrealistic goal, as we evolved as social animals—rejection threatened our survival for most of human history, so criticism can still bring up strong feelings.

(Shortform note: Rejection threatened our survival for most of human history because our ancient ancestors lived in small, nomadic groups that relied on cooperation and social acceptance for survival. Being rejected from the group meant losing access to food, shelter, and protection, and it could even lead to death. That’s why when we’re rejected, [our brains release hormones such as cortisol and...

Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Summary Motivation

Smith notes that many people struggle with a lack of motivation that prevents them from working toward their goals. This is because motivation—the feeling that you want to do something—is a fluctuating emotion, and when people wait until they feel motivated to start a task or project, they may never start it because that feeling might never return. However, you can train yourself to start projects or tasks even when you don’t feel the urge, and in doing so, you can accomplish more and spark the feeling of motivation you initially lacked.

(Shortform note: In Smarter Faster Better, Charles Duhigg agrees that you can increase motivation by taking action instead of waiting to feel motivated, and he explains that this works because making the choice to act helps you feel in control, which increases your confidence and drive. He argues that some kinds of choices make you feel more in control than others, particularly rebellious actions that break unspoken rules or challenge the status quo—for example, sitting in a...

Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Summary A Note on When to Seek Professional Help

Smith says that, in general, you should seek the guidance of a mental health professional when you feel concerned about your mental health. Don’t wait until you’re desperate or at a breaking point. It’s better to seek support before things get very bad. If you can’t access...

Shortform Exercise: Cultivate Self-Compassion

Smith explains that learning to be kind and compassionate toward yourself is an essential part of mental well-being. Let’s look at what self-compassion means to you and practice cultivating more of it.

Reflect on what self-compassion means to you. Do you believe it’s important to be kind and patient with yourself, or do you believe you have to be hard on yourself to keep your thoughts, feelings, and behavior on track?