Book SummaryTo Have and to Hold, by Molly Millwood

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of To Have and to Hold

Motherhood's Impact on Feelings, Thoughts, Identity, and Daily Life

This section explores the profound and often unexpected ways motherhood alters a woman's identity, her bonds with others, and her daily experiences. It highlights the gap between the romanticized portrayal of being a mother and the often overwhelming, chaotic reality, emphasizing the losses and emotional upheavals that accompany this significant life transition.

Mothers: Overwhelmed, Chaotic, and Altered Identities

The arrival of a baby ushers in a phase of significant change and adjustment, affecting a woman's personal life as well as her closest relationships and her very sense of who she is. This section delves into the multitude of ways motherhood can make a woman feel overwhelmed, disoriented, and even estranged from herself.

Motherhood Radically Transforms How You Connect With Others

Millwood highlights that the journey of motherhood extends far beyond the individual woman, profoundly impacting her relationship with her partner and her connection to the broader social world. She emphasizes how the demands and expectations of motherhood often lead to a sense of isolation and strain in a woman's marriage, further intensifying the challenges she faces as she navigates this significant transition.

Context

• Motherhood often leads to a redefinition of roles within a partnership, where traditional responsibilities may shift, requiring renegotiation of duties and expectations.
• Balancing work and motherhood can be challenging, and the pressure to succeed in both areas can lead to social withdrawal.
• The need for effective communication becomes more critical, yet more challenging, as partners adjust to new routines and expectations.
• Balancing the demands of caring for a child with other responsibilities can be overwhelming, leading to stress and fatigue.

Motherhood Transition: Intense, Mixed Emotions vs. Idealized Version

Millwood sheds light on the complexities of early motherhood, specifically the disconnect between the romanticized, idealized image of joyful, blissful motherhood and the actual lived experience, often marked by mixed emotions, intense physical and psychological demands, and feelings of disorientation. She emphasizes the unsanctioned, often unspoken dimensions of being a mother, particularly the feelings of resentment, anger, and boredom that may arise alongside the expected sensations of love and joy. This internal conflict, she argues, creates a lot of shame and leaves women feeling inadequate and alone.

Other Perspectives

• The statement might not take into account the experiences of mothers who adopt or foster children, as their emotional journey can differ from those who go through pregnancy and childbirth.
• The notion of an "idealized image" could be subjective and vary greatly across different cultures, societies, and individuals, meaning that for some, the ideal may actually include the acknowledgment of hardships and mixed emotions.
• The feelings of love and joy in motherhood might, for some women, far outweigh any negative emotions, making the latter less central to their overall experience.
• Shame is a complex emotion that can arise from various sources, not exclusively from internal conflict related to motherhood.
• The feeling of loneliness in motherhood can sometimes be mitigated by joining parenting groups, online forums, or motherhood...

To Have and to Hold Summary Mothers' Shame, Guilt, Negative Self-Views, and Absence of Help

This section delves into the deeper psychological and social reasons behind new mothers' struggles. It explores how harmful social norms and cultural expectations discourage women from acknowledging and expressing all their emotions, particularly the negative ones. It emphasizes the importance of authentic, transparent dialogue about the difficult aspects of motherhood, and the crucial need for increased support, both from partners and the broader community.

Motherhood's Taboos and Stigma Hinder Women's Emotional Expression

This section explores the pervasive social norms and cultural messages that shape how women experience motherhood. Millwood argues that the romanticized portrayal of being a mother and the pressure on women to be perpetually happy and fulfilled in this new chapter hinder their ability to openly acknowledge and express the negative emotions that often accompany this significant life transition.

Moms Should Be Happy, Not Struggling

Millwood challenges the prevalent social expectation that being a mother is inherently joyful and fulfilling. She exposes the myth that mothers should love every minute of their new roles, arguing that this unrealistic...

To Have and to Hold Summary Early Motherhood: Navigating Chaos, Emotions, Mindfulness, Presence, and Support

This section explores strategies and approaches for coping effectively with the various challenges of early motherhood. It discusses the importance of staying present and mindful, embracing the difficult aspects of reality alongside the joyful ones, and getting help from partners and others who can offer validation and understanding.

Infant Care Demands Make It Hard for Moms to Stay Attentive

Millwood highlights the challenge of staying present in the moment when faced with the relentless demands of tending to an infant or toddler. She describes how the all-consuming nature of these duties, coupled with the physical exhaustion of motherhood, diverts women from focusing on the moment and toward either anxieties concerning the future or ruminations on the past. She argues that this inability to fully engage with the present, however understandable, undermines a woman's sense of contentment and ultimately makes the inevitable difficulties of mothering even more painful.

Thinking Ahead or Dwelling on the Past Prevents Mothers From Experiencing the Moment

Millwood emphasizes that dwelling on past failures or anxieties about future possibilities obscures the present, the...