Book SummaryThe Love Prescription, by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Love Prescription

What’s the secret to a successful, lasting relationship? In The Love Prescription, Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman compile years of relationship research to explain that long-lasting love is sustained by small, daily acts. The key to a healthy relationship lies in regularly practicing gestures such as expressing gratitude for your partner’s admirable actions, asking deep questions to stay connected with your partner over time, and making time for date night no matter what.

The Gottmans, who are married, have spent their careers studying the science behind successful relationships and sharing their...

The Love Prescription Summary Appreciate Your Partner

According to the authors, successful couples don’t necessarily do more kind deeds for each other, but they’re better at noticing and acknowledging them when they occur. In this section, we’ll first discuss how negativity bias can make it difficult to see our partners in a loving light. Then, we’ll discuss how to retrain your brain to see more of the good things your partner does. Finally, we’ll explain why it’s important to compliment your partner—and how to make these compliments meaningful.

Overcome Negativity Bias to Appreciate Your Partner

We all have a negativity bias. This is our tendency to view things—in this case, our partners—with a negatively skewed perspective. This negativity is programmed into our evolutionary design: Noticing problems helps our survival.

(Shortform note: According to some experts, the constant pressure of environmental dangers our ancestors faced would’ve led them to develop a negativity bias to survive. For example, ancestors who were biased to notice the threat of a dwindling food supply would feel more inclined to forage for additional food than those who didn’t fixate on this...

The Love Prescription Summary Express Your Needs Clearly

It’s easy to assume that our partners know (or should know) our needs and desires—but unless you express yourself clearly, you’ll likely never be on the same page. For example, you might think your partner should realize you don’t have time to fold the laundry because you’re so busy with work. However, they might assume you’ll do it because it’s normally a chore you do. This type of miscommunication can lead to pent-up resentment and conflict.

To explore how to overcome such miscommunication, we’ll first cover the authors’ explanation for why we aren’t open about our needs in the first place. We’ll then discuss the consequences of neglecting our needs and look at the authors’ tips to address them effectively.

Why We Aren’t Open About Our Needs

The Gottmans explain that society conditions us to suppress our needs. Men are expected to be tough and taught that needs are a sign of weakness. Women are commonly taught that expressing needs makes you appear needy and unattractive. Along with experiencing these cultural influences, we’ve all faced rejection after being vulnerable about our needs, whether during childhood or in a past romantic relationship. The Gottmans...

The Love Prescription Summary Embrace Opportunities to Connect

The Gottmans emphasize that connection is key for relationships. The more often you share touches and make time for your partner, the happier and more sustainable your relationship will be. In this section, we’ll explore four forms of connection that the Gottmans say matter most.

Respond Positively When Your Partner Reaches Out

Opportunities for connection with your partner don’t have to be grand, but you should seize them often. The Gottmans explain that it’s important to respond positively when your partner makes an effort to connect with you. Efforts to connect can range from a sigh to a dinner invitation. They say there are three ways to respond to your partner’s efforts to share an experience:

• Positive response: When your partner reaches out, you welcome their effort and reach back. For example, if your partner comments on a party the two of you just left, you affirm their reaction and encourage a conversation.
• Neutral (indifferent) response: When your partner reaches out, you either don’t notice it or ignore it. For example, you ignore your partner’s comment about the party and scroll your phone instead.
• Negative Response: When your partner...

Shortform Exercise: Retrain Your Brain to Appreciate Your Partner

The Gottmans explain that to combat negativity bias, you need to train your brain to see the positive things your partner does. By promoting appreciation instead of criticism, you’ll cultivate a healthier relationship.

Describe something your partner recently did that made a positive impact on you. How did it make you feel?