Book SummaryThe Grieving Brain, by Mary-Frances O'Connor

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Grieving Brain

The human brain responds to loss in ways that surprise, confuse, and often distress us, which can make it difficult to navigate the grieving process. In The Grieving Brain (2022), Mary-Frances O’Connor explores the neurological basis of grief and how our brain’s learning systems grapple with understanding and adapting to the permanent absence of someone we love. She emphasizes that grief is not simply an emotional state to “get over,” but rather a...

The Grieving Brain Summary The Neurological Basis of Grief

Before we discuss how grief affects our brains, we must first understand the evolutionary origin of grief. O’Connor explains that our brains have evolved to keep track of our loved ones. In order to do this, we create neural “maps” to understand where they are in relation to us. These are virtual representations of our surroundings that make it easier for us to navigate through the world. For example, you don’t have to relearn the layout of your office every day you go to work—that would be energy- and time-consuming and would make it harder for you to function in that space. Instead, your brain builds a map of that space, and you use this map every time you go to the office to navigate through what you know—or expect—will be there.

(Shortform note: You can take advantage of the brain’s mapping system to enhance your learning and memory. Experts note that the part of the brain responsible for this mapping also forms long-term memories. Because of this, creating visual concept maps of information you’re trying to learn or remember taps into this system and improves your...

The Grieving Brain Summary How Grief Affects Our Thoughts

We’ve explained the neurology behind grieving, but grief also manifests psychologically—in our thoughts. O’Connor explains that grieving represents a transformation in the way our brains work. This causes different types of thinking that may feel uncontrollable, confusing, or unhealthy, but most of the time they’re a natural part of the grieving process. Understanding why these thoughts happen can help us feel less controlled by them and better able to deal with them. In this section, we’ll examine contradictory beliefs, intrusive thoughts, counterfactual thinking, and rumination as responses to grief.

Contradictory Beliefs

O’Connor explains that grieving people often maintain two contradictory beliefs simultaneously: the knowledge that their loved one is dead, alongside a persistent feeling that the person will return. This can make it difficult for the grieving person to adjust to life without their loved one. For example, they may struggle to get rid of their loved one’s belongings, believing on some level that their loved one will return and need those belongings again. O’Connor explains this phenomenon through both evolutionary and neurological...

The Grieving Brain Summary Models of Grief

Now that we’ve explained how grief works in the brain and how it affects our thoughts, we’ll explore the ways the grieving process can manifest in our lives.

O’Connor explains that most people’s understanding of the grieving process comes from the five-stages model developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Kübler-Ross developed this model from interviews with terminally ill patients, cataloguing the feelings they described and incorporating those into her five-stages model. While there are merits to this model, there’s no empirical proof for it, and it has since been misapplied as a rigid formula for how people should grieve. Thus, people whose grief doesn’t follow these five stages often feel that they’re grieving incorrectly.

(Shortform note: The misconceptions O’Connor describes may have more to do with others’ oversimplification and misapplication of Kübler-Ross’s theory than with inaccuracies in the theory. The Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation website notes that Kübler-Ross herself didn’t claim that her five stages were a universal prescription...

The Grieving Brain Summary Four Trajectories of Grief

In addition to discussing the models of grief, O’Conner also discusses how depressive symptoms can manifest during the grieving process.

Depression and grief can look similar, but the key difference is that depression permeates every part of life, while grief is specifically focused on the loss of the loved one. O’Connor identifies four distinct trajectories grieving can take in relation to depressive symptoms. These are: 1) resilience, where people never develop depression after their loss, 2) chronic grief, where depression begins after the loss and persists, 3) chronic depression, where pre-existing depression continues or worsens, and 4) depressed-improved, where pre-existing depression actually improves after the loss.

The five stages model assumes that everyone experiences depressive symptoms during grief. However, research shows that resilience—the first trajectory—is the most typical response to loss.

(Shortform note: Research into attachment theory suggests that your attachment style may impact what trajectory your grief takes. As mentioned in earlier commentary, Bowlby identified four...

The Grieving Brain Summary Dealing With Grief

Though understanding how grief works neurologically and psychologically can be helpful, people often desire more concrete advice for how to navigate their grief. O’Connor acknowledges that there are many limitations to grief advice: Even though everyone experiences grief, no one can provide a universal roadmap of how grief will feel to anyone else or how to handle it. She explains that while she can share scientific knowledge about grief and her personal experiences, each person must find their own way through grief based on their values and beliefs. Just because your grieving doesn’t seem to mirror the path you think it should take doesn’t mean you’re grieving “wrong.”

(Shortform note: Because there’s no universal way to grieve, there’s also no universal way to support someone who’s grieving. However, experts offer some general tips: Avoid phrases that minimize or try to make light of their loss, like trying to point out the positives of the situation or suggesting that everything happens for a reason. Also avoid telling them what their deceased loved one would want or...

Shortform Exercise: Understanding and Navigating Your Grief

O’Connor emphasizes that grief is not simply an emotional state to “get over,” but rather a complex learning process in which our brains must literally rewire themselves to accommodate a new reality. This exercise will help you reflect on how you experience grief and identify strategies that may help you navigate through it.

Think about the dual process model of grief, which involves oscillating between loss-oriented stressors (emotional responses) and restoration-oriented stressors (practical challenges). Which type of stressor do you tend to focus on more, and how might paying attention to both help you navigate your grief? For example, do you tend to spend all your time thinking about your lost loved one and avoiding activities that may help you adjust to their absence? Or do you distract yourself with new activities to avoid thinking about the loss?