Book SummaryThe Asshole Survival Guide, by Robert I. Sutton

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Asshole Survival Guide

Do you feel helpless or angry when confronted with mean people? Do you wish you had better strategies for dealing with them? In The Asshole Survival Guide, Robert I. Sutton offers wisdom for dealing with jerks—rude and tyrannical people of all kinds. Focusing primarily on bad behavior in the workplace, he argues that with the right tools, you can take away a jerk’s power, lessen their effect on you, and keep them from harming others.

Sutton is an organizational psychologist and professor of management science at Stanford University’s School of Engineering. His research focuses on how workplaces can promote healthy dynamics and remove negative dynamics, improve performance, and...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary Identifying Jerks

According to Sutton, you can encounter people who disrespect others anywhere, but these patterns are especially prevalent in the workplace. He defines these “assholes” (which we’ll refer to as jerks) as people who regularly make you or someone else feel degraded, downtrodden, or otherwise upset.

(Shortform note: Some social psychologists classify workplace jerks into five types. First, some jerks kiss up to superiors and tear down their peers to get ahead. Second, other jerks are overly assertive, taking over meetings and stealing the spotlight from others. These people strong-arm others into agreeing with their ideas. The third type is gaslighters who seek power by manipulating, lying, and chipping away at others’ self-esteem. They typically...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary The Consequences of Jerk Behavior

According to Sutton, some people think you need to be a jerk to be successful at work. They believe it’s every person for themselves, and you have to tear others down to get ahead. However, in almost every situation, disrespecting others just makes you an unpleasant person to be around. Additionally, there are many negative consequences of jerk behavior for the people who are direct victims of it.

(Shortform note: Results from several studies suggest that nice and agreeable people are just as likely to attain power as disagreeable people who exhibit selfish, combative, and manipulative personality traits. Additionally, being a jerk doesn’t help people get ahead faster than others—any leg up in power they get is counterbalanced by their weak and negative connections with others. Finally, nice people in high positions generally are better leaders than jerks.)

Extensive research shows that three consequences may occur when you’re exposed to jerks at work:

Consequence #1:...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary How to Tell When a Jerk Needs to Be Dealt With

Given these unfortunate consequences of jerk behavior, it’s important to learn how to deal with jerks when you come across them. Sutton states that the first step to handling jerk behavior is determining the full context of the situation—sometimes, it’s not worth it or necessary to take any action against the person behaving like a jerk. However, sometimes it’s important to take action. If the situation meets the following characteristics, then you need to address the jerk behavior:

Characteristic #1: You’re Exposed to the Jerk Behavior Long-Term

Sutton says that when determining what to do in the face of jerk behavior, consider whether it’s a pattern for the offender or an isolated incident. If someone is normally pleasant and courteous, you can most likely let their moment of rudeness pass. Everyone has bad days, and this can sometimes lead people to momentarily act like a jerk. For example, your coworker may brush you off because they’re stressed that their child is sick at home.

(Shortform note: Though almost everybody has at some point lashed out unfairly because they were stressed, try not to make it a pattern—that’s when you become a jerk. To prevent anger from...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary Dealing With Jerks

Just as there’s no one definition of what makes someone a jerk, there’s no one way to deal with a jerk. You must judge for yourself what strategies will be best depending on the situation and the people involved. In...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary Approach #1: Remove Yourself Entirely From the Jerk’s Environment

Sutton argues that one of the best ways to deal with chronic jerk behavior is to get away from the person entirely. This might mean moving to a different company, moving to a different location, or switching jobs within the same company so you’re under a different boss. Being entirely out of the jerk’s orbit prevents you from experiencing damaging encounters with them.

(Shortform note: When deciding whether to switch jobs, consider making a pros and cons list of all the good and bad traits of the job. If the bad outweighs the good, it’s time to leave. Then, write a list of attributes you want from a new job—you don’t want to jump from one pool of jerks to another. For example, you might write characteristics you’d want coworkers to have or what you think an ideal company culture looks like. Finally, create a plan for your exit that includes how you’ll manage financially after quitting, whether you’re quitting before or after you find a new job, and the method you’ll use to resign.)

Strategy: Avoid Forming New Professional Connections With Jerks

Sutton argues that **when possible, you should avoid...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary Approach #2: Reduce Your Interactions With the Jerk

Sometimes, it’s too difficult to avoid a jerk entirely—for example, maybe you can’t afford to switch jobs. In such cases, Sutton suggests reducing your interactions with the jerk as much as possible.

(Shortform note: Even if switching jobs feels impossible because of your financial situation or something else, that doesn’t mean it actually is. If you’re worried about quitting because you live paycheck to paycheck, remember that you don’t have to leave your current job before applying for a new one. It might take some night and weekend work to search for open positions, but it’s only temporary. Additionally, consider that your precarious financial situation can be an incentive to quit—if your current job doesn’t pay you enough and exposes you to jerks, you have good reasons to find something better.)

Strategy: Separate Yourself From the Jerk Physically

Sutton argues that **if you have to work with...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary Approach #3: Lessen the Jerk’s Power Over Your Mental State

According to Sutton, sometimes distancing yourself isn’t possible—you may be forced to work closely with jerks for extended periods. When a lot of interaction with a jerk is inevitable, you can lessen the jerk’s power over your mental state by changing your mindset. In doing so, you can protect yourself from the negative effects of their behavior even if you’re frequently exposed.

The best way to do this is through the cognitive behavioral technique of reframing—taking a negative thought and reworking it into something more neutral or positive. Reframing is based on the psychological premise that your thoughts dictate how you feel and act. If you can change your thoughts about a situation—like a jerk’s rude behavior—then you can change how you respond.

Further Steps for Cognitive Reframing and Advice for People-Pleasers

There are two steps to reframing before you can change a thought: noticing an unhelpful thought and pausing to evaluate its value or truthfulness. Noticing unhelpful thoughts can be difficult, as they’re usually automatic. Look...

The Asshole Survival Guide Summary Approach #4: Go on the Offensive Against the Jerk

Finally, Sutton states that sometimes, the only way to deal with a jerk is to go on the offensive against them. This might mean confronting them directly or getting people with more power than you to address their behavior.

Whatever your method, tread carefully—if the jerk finds out that you’re moving against them, they might retaliate and cause more problems for you. Therefore, it’s important to pause, consider your options, and ask for input from others before making any decisions about your approach. There are three primary considerations to address before you decide how to go against the jerk:

Consideration #1: How much influence does the jerk have over you? The more control they have, the more careful you need to be. (Shortform note: When determining how much power a jerk has over you at your company, the first place to look is the official organizational chart. This will indicate every person’s job title and positional authority. If the jerk is higher on the organizational chart than you, they might be able to affect your position in the company. If you’re officially at the...

Shortform Exercise: Develop a Plan for Dealing With a Jerk

Now that you’ve learned some of Sutton’s strategies for dealing with jerks, apply them to a jerk in your life.

Think of a recent encounter you had with someone who exhibited jerk behavior at work. Describe it here. (For example, maybe your boss made you and your coworkers stay late on Friday night to finish a project, but he left early. Or, maybe your coworker snapped at you when you asked her for help.)