Book SummaryThe Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of The Art of Loving

What is love, really? In The Art of Loving, psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm argues that what most people think of as love is actually a form of false love—giving affection only to get something in return—instead of genuine, mature love. He believes that this failure to truly achieve loving connection is why so many people are unhappy, despite having all their basic needs met. However, if we can learn how to genuinely love others, we’ll be happier and less isolated.

(Shortform note: Couples therapist...

The Art of Loving Summary Why Do We Seek Out Love?

According to Fromm, humans seek out love as a way to cope with the pain of isolation and separation from each other. The moment we develop our own identity—the moment we understand ourselves as an individual rather than an extension of our parents—we begin to feel the anxiety that comes with separation. In Fromm’s view, this separation anxiety is the fundamental driver of all human activity. More than anything else, we all want to feel connected: to each other, to a higher power, to nature, to something.

(Shortform note: Fromm frames the urge to overcome separation as an existential concern, but it may have a more fundamental, evolutionary explanation. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller argue that our instinctive urge to connect is an evolutionary adaptation. In prehistoric times, pairs of humans had a better shot at survival than loners, so people who were naturally drawn to connect with others lived long enough to pass on their genes. As a result, almost all modern humans are biologically driven to connect with others.)

In this section, we’ll explore some of the...

The Art of Loving Summary False Love

To Fromm, the most common way that modern people pursue connection is through false love. Fromm believes that false love is more common than genuine love in modern society because of the rise of capitalism, which requires people to turn their energy into a tradable good in the form of labor: They give labor and get money in return. As a result, we’re less inclined to give ourselves freely; the idea of giving someone time and energy without getting anything in return (which is an expression of genuine love) has become unthinkable. Instead, we practice false love, in which we only give affection in order to get something in return.

(Shortform note: While Fromm argues that all transactional relationships must be forms of false love by default, other psychologists argue that genuine love must include some measure of reciprocity. In that view, giving someone endless time and energy without expecting anything in return is an unhealthy practice. Instead, genuinely loving relationships should be interdependent: Both partners should be able to count on receiving affection, attention, and trust from the other. This expectation...

The Art of Loving Summary Genuine Love

In Fromm’s view, the healthiest way to overcome the anxiety of separation and connect to others is through genuine love. Genuine love happens when two people join together while still maintaining their individual identities. They do not become enmeshed—instead, each is a whole person unto themselves, so they can give love to each other wholeheartedly.

(Shortform note: This definition of genuine love is similar to Simone de Beauvoir’s definition of “authentic love.” Like Fromm, she argues that for love to be authentic, both partners must recognize each other as unique individuals while still respecting each other as complete equals. Beauvoir first laid out this definition in The Second Sex, which was translated into English in 1953, so it’s possible that Fromm was influenced by her ideas.)

In this section, we’ll explore genuine love in more detail, including the requirements and types of genuine love and how to develop genuine love in your own life. Then, we’ll see how genuine love differs from false love.

Four...

The Art of Loving Summary Types of Genuine Love

Fromm describes five types of genuine love: parental love, platonic love, self-love, romantic love, and spiritual love. We’ll explore each of these below.

Parental Love

In Fromm’s view, there are two archetypal types of parental love: maternal and paternal. (Fromm makes it clear that these are archetypes, not descriptions of how any particular real-life mother or father loves their children.) However, parental love is a unique case because neither maternal nor paternal love is truly genuine on its own; rather, when these types of love combine, they create the capacity for genuine love in a growing child.

To understand this, we need to define maternal and paternal love. Fromm believes that maternal love is unconditional. The archetypal mother loves her children simply because they exist, not because they accomplish anything in particular or conform to any outside expectation. According to Fromm, this kind of love makes children feel secure: They know that, no matter what mistakes they make, their mother will always love them. However, this type of love isn’t truly genuine because it is fundamentally one-directional: A child can never love her mother as...

The Art of Loving Summary How to Develop Genuine Love

Now that you know what genuine love looks like, how can you practice it? According to Fromm, there are three ways to practice genuine love.

Consider Other Perspectives

The first practice Fromm recommends is to consider other perspectives rather than assuming your perspective is the objective truth. This is important because only seeing the world through the lens of your own experience inhibits your ability to love; if you can’t see others for who they really are, how can you genuinely love them for who they are?

To see this practice in action, imagine your partner has been distant. If you only consider the situation from your own perspective, you might assume they’re upset with you for some reason and wonder what you did wrong. However, if you view the situation from their perspective, you might remember that they’ve been particularly stressed at work lately and might just be too exhausted to interact with you. By looking through their eyes, you can see both your partner and the situation more clearly, so you can love them as they are in that moment.

(Shortform note: Seeing things from other people’s perspectives is difficult because we often don’t even realize...

Shortform Exercise: Evaluate the Love in Your Life

Now that you understand the difference between false love and genuine love, take a moment to evaluate your own loving relationships.

Think of a significant relationship in your life, either with a romantic partner, a close friend, or a family member. Briefly describe the relationship and how you feel toward this person.