Book SummaryThat's Not What I Meant!, by Deborah Tannen

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of That's Not What I Meant!

We delve into the complex functions and objectives of our conversations, which include understanding the importance of subtle messaging, setting the stage for our interactions, and scrutinizing the way we use language.

Deborah Tannen explores the subtle differences in our communication styles that can cause misunderstandings and negatively affect our relationships with others in her book "That's Not What I Meant!" She argues that the way we speak communicates not only the clear message of our words but also the nuanced signals embedded in our style of communication. The underlying message imparts essential understanding of the speaker's intent, their respect for the listener, and the nature of their exchange. Tannen introduces techniques and tools that assist in analyzing and understanding the subtle but powerful aspects of communication.

The essential elements that form the basis of our communication are referred to as mechanisms and cues that are utilized during dialogue.

Deborah Tannen elucidates that conversation fundamentally consists of a combination of diverse signals and mechanisms that collaborate to impart meaning. These tools are crucial for guiding conversation, expressing emotions, showing involvement, and preserving the delicate balance between closeness and self-reliance.

The meaning conveyed by spoken words is also influenced by the rhythm of speech, as well as how silence is used, and the volume and tone of the speaker's voice.

A conversation should be viewed as a collaborative effort where each participant's input influences the rhythm and direction. Our intentions and the nuances of our language are expressed through our selection of words, the cadence of our speech, and our decisions to either pause or continue speaking, along with the loudness and melodic inflections we use. For instance, a slight pause could signal the end of one person's comments, inviting another to join the conversation, or it might simply be a short break for the speaker to gather their thoughts, potentially causing discomfort if the listener mistakenly interprets this as a sign to speak up. The volume of a person's voice can express eagerness and engagement, but it could be misconstrued as anger or aggression if the listener expects a more suitable level of loudness.

Variations in vocal tone and the rise and fall of speech also play a significant part. Raising one's vocal tone can turn a statement into a question or convey uncertainty, while bringing it down typically indicates assurance or gives the impression of conclusiveness. Variations in our communication, often subconsciously influenced by cultural elements, shape how others interpret our interactions and the influence we exert on them. When individuals communicate effectively, their interaction usually flows smoothly, but when there is a discrepancy in their conversational styles, it can result in bewilderment and annoyance.

Conversation involves a variety of actions, such as demonstrating reactions, asking questions, expressing complaints, and extending apologies.

Conversational cues serve as the foundational elements for more intricate mechanisms that facilitate our management of social exchanges. Tannen highlights that our cultural heritage molds unique ways of interacting, which might result in varied understandings of common actions like responding, inquiring, voicing grievances, and making amends. For instance, a loud "Wow!" An individual who is used to restrained responses due to their heritage might find the energetic interaction with their story unexpected and startling. Inquiring frequently can be perceived as an indication of engagement and a way to encourage more dialogue; yet, to someone who expects that information will be shared voluntarily, it might come across as excessively prying.

Deborah Tannen has elucidated that complaining can fulfill a role in social interactions. Discussing mutual complaints can foster a connection with another person through the discovery of shared...

That's Not What I Meant! Summary Variations in communication styles related to gender significantly impact not only intimate connections but also wider social and cultural exchanges.

In her book, Tannen allocates a significant portion to exploring how differences in communication across genders can cause misunderstandings and tension in interactions, both personal and professional. She argues that because boys and girls are socialized differently through their respective play activities, they develop varying expectations about how conversation should operate within relationships and its success in achieving goals.

Playtime activities, which are frequently divided along gender lines, foster distinct interaction styles in both men and women.

Tannen cites anthropological research, particularly highlighting how childhood games shape our conversational patterns, drawing on the findings of Daniel Maltz and Ruth Borker. Deborah Tannen describes how girls typically participate in activities either in pairs or small groups, emphasizing teamwork and the sharing of secrets. Language acts as a bridge, nurturing close relationships and guiding individuals through the complexities of companionship by managing nuanced social exchanges.

In contrast, boys frequently engage in play within more expansive groups, typically in outdoor settings, with an emphasis on dynamic...

That's Not What I Meant! Summary Developing proficiency in adapting to various styles of conversation in different contexts and using this knowledge to improve communication.

Tannen emphasizes the significance of understanding the subtle differences in conversational styles and utilizing this knowledge to improve communication. She offers advice on altering your conversational approach, initiating discussions about the essence of interaction, and reshaping exchanges to connect disparate communication styles, thereby averting misinterpretations.

Individuals may deliberately adjust their communication methods during discussions to better harmonize with the unique conversational styles of their interlocutors.

Recognizing your unique way of conversing and the possibility for misinterpretations allows you to consciously modify your communication approach to enhance the effectiveness of your interactions. Tannen underscores the importance of regulating not only the pace but also the volume of our speech, to carefully frame inquiries, and to acknowledge that people might perceive your tone of voice and physical gestures differently due to their unique communication styles.

Managing the speed of conversation, the volume of one's voice, and the manner in which questions are posed can help avert miscommunications.

For instance, if your natural...