Book SummaryPower, by Shahida Arabi

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Power

Many of us have met someone who’s a little too vain and loves to show off—people often referred to as “narcissists.” However, despite this common understanding of narcissism as a mildly annoying personality trait, it can also be a severe clinical condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This type of narcissist—sometimes called a “malignant narcissist”—lacks empathy, has a grandiose sense of self, and exploits others to bolster their ego. As a result, many narcissists emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abuse their romantic partners, causing them long-term psychological distress.

In Power (2017), Shahida Arabi describes the characteristics and manipulation tactics of malignant narcissists to help people avoid relationships with narcissists or end a relationship with one as soon as possible. Arabi says that understanding narcissists and their tendencies is crucial because anyone can fall prey to narcissists, who often seem like...

Power Summary Narcissists and Their Characteristics

To start, we’ll explain the distinguishing characteristics of NPD and what causes it. (Shortform note: Throughout the guide, we’ll refer to people with NPD as “narcissists'' for simplicity. However, keep in mind that some people use this term to describe non-clinical, less severe forms of narcissism, which people can exhibit on a spectrum.)

What Is NPD?

Arabi says that the clinical definition of NPD includes the following traits: Narcissists feel superior to others, desire constant admiration and affirmation of their superiority, feel pathological envy, lack empathy, and try to bolster their ego at the expense of others.

Based on her research and experience, Arabi adds that narcissists tend to control and abuse their romantic partners in strategic and sadistic ways. This means that they get pleasure from putting other people down and making them feel worthless because it reinforces the narcissists’ overinflated egos. Because narcissists are incapable of feeling empathy, they’ll go to great lengths to make themselves feel better through psychological abuse (and sometimes physical aggression as well)....

Power Summary Manipulation Tactics of a Narcissist

In the previous section, we learned that the main goal of a narcissist is to gain adoration from others, which reinforces their feeling of superiority. Now, we’ll describe the tell-tale signs of a narcissist trying to manipulate you into giving them that attention. Arabi says that by understanding these tactics, you can equip yourself to recognize and end relationships with a narcissist as quickly as possible.

(Shortform note: The traits and behaviors of an abusive narcissist overlap with many descriptions of abusers and patterns in domestic violence in general. Therefore, the behaviors described in the rest of this section are still red flags to be wary of even if you’re unsure if the abuser has NPD.)

A Pattern of Building You Up and Tearing You Down

A common behavior in narcissists is a repeating **pattern of showering you with love, compliments, and affection to suck you into a...

Power Summary Healing After Narcissistic Abuse

Whether you’re in a relationship with a potential narcissist or have already ended a relationship with someone who demonstrates the behaviors we’ve discussed, Arabi offers advice on how to take back control of your life and begin to heal. Her biggest recommendation is to end the relationship and all contact with the narcissist, since this is the only way to definitively end the abuse. However, she also acknowledges the challenges of doing so.

In this section, we’ll cover her advice for ending, coping with, and healing from a relationship with a narcissist. She also recommends that throughout these healing strategies, you strive to have compassion for yourself by understanding that abuse is never your fault, and surround yourself with people who genuinely love you and will support you throughout your journey.

(Shortform note: If you tend to be hard on yourself, speak to and treat yourself like you would a close friend. For example, if your friend took the blame for being mistreated by someone, you’d likely comfort them and affirm that it’s not their fault rather than criticize them. To establish a strong...

Shortform Exercise: Reflect on Your Self-Care and Support System

Arabi’s advice for healing after narcissistic abuse—in addition to ending the relationship and seeking professional support—is to practice self-care and ensure that you have a strong support system to lean on. These recommendations may also benefit you even if you’re not currently recovering from a toxic relationship.

One form of self-care is doing safe activities that release feel-good brain chemicals like oxytocin, serotonin, adrenaline, and dopamine. Write down a few things that you know you like to do—like going for jogs, doing yoga, or snuggling with a pet. Then write down a few things that you haven’t tried before, which are more likely to give you an adrenaline and dopamine rush. These could include things like solo travel or more low-stakes activities like playing a new board game.