Book SummaryPolywise, by Jessica Fern

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Polywise

Transitioning from an exclusive relationship to one that welcomes additional partners.

Transitioning from a monogamous to a nonmonogamous lifestyle marks a significant shift in one's viewpoint. The book encourages a shift away from the conventional focus on monogamy and promotes embracing a variety of relationship configurations. This transition involves more than simply changing your relationship structure or introducing new partners; it necessitates a profound shift in how you perceive, understand, and navigate relationships.

Acknowledging the significant influence of changing relationship dynamics

Altering your viewpoint necessitates a complete overhaul of your existing beliefs and behaviors. It's akin to seeing the world through a different lens and integrating a whole new set of rules and expectations. Adopting a nonmonogamous lifestyle often presents significant challenges because the concept of monogamy is deeply embedded in various facets of our society, influencing our perceptions of relationships from a young age.

Examining the profound influence that the standard of monogamy exerts within the fabric of social conventions.

Society consistently maintains the conviction that only when a bond involves a mere duo of individuals can it be considered genuinely natural, untainted, and morally sound. The widespread concept of "mononormativity" is reinforced by various societal elements such as media, literature, religious doctrines, social structures, and legal frameworks that prioritize exclusive pair bonds, resulting in the marginalization of alternative relationship structures. Fern highlights how the dominant framework limits our understanding of the configurations of relationships and promotes subconscious biases and expectations that are frequently difficult to dismantle, even for those actively seeking to challenge them.

The author emphasizes the idea that a bias towards a single norm promotes the belief that relationship models differing from monogamy are considered less authentic or deviant. Societal disapproval towards non-traditional relationship structures frequently leads to personal conflicts about self-identity, fostering negative self-perceptions and doubts about one's relationships and self-esteem. The author encourages individuals to critically examine the role of mononormativity in their own lives and how it has shaped their understanding of love, sex, and romantic connections.

Context

• Some psychological theories suggest that monogamy is linked to evolutionary advantages, such as stable family units for raising offspring, which can influence perceptions of its naturalness.
• Classic and contemporary literature often centers around monogamous relationships, presenting them as the ultimate goal or resolution for characters, which can shape readers' perceptions of what is considered a successful relationship.
• Many legal systems offer benefits and recognition primarily to monogamous marriages, such as tax breaks, healthcare rights, and adoption privileges, which can marginalize those in non-monogamous relationships.
• Many major religions promote monogamy as a moral standard, which can deeply influence societal norms and individual beliefs about relationships.
• The internalization of mononormative ideals can lead to cognitive dissonance in individuals who feel drawn to non-traditional relationships, causing stress and identity conflicts.
• The fear of being judged or ostracized by family, friends, or colleagues can lead to anxiety and self-doubt for those in non-monogamous relationships.
• Mononormativity has deep historical roots, often linked to the rise of agricultural societies where inheritance and lineage became important, reinforcing the idea of exclusive pair bonds.

Navigating through the deep-seated conviction that monogamy should last a lifetime is laden with significant challenges.

From an early age, we have subconsciously assimilated monogamous norms and structures into our existence, Fern notes with acuity. Altering deeply ingrained monogamous behaviors and convictions is a significant hurdle, despite our awareness of the limitations imposed by monogamous narratives.

The writer compares the journey of relearning to a cleansing regimen, emphasizing the importance of deliberately acknowledging, scrutinizing, and replacing deep-seated convictions about exclusive pair bonding with new viewpoints that support the concept of participating in multiple romantic partnerships concurrently. Embarking on this path of purification is particularly challenging as it requires not only changes in our behavior but also a deep-seated shift in our ingrained perceptions of love, physical closeness, and the dynamics within interpersonal connections.

Practical Tips

• Start a personal journal to reflect on your beliefs about relationships, noting when and how these beliefs were formed. This can help you identify which convictions are truly yours and which may be inherited from societal norms or family expectations. For example, if you believe that monogamy is the only valid form of relationship, write down when you first felt this way and what might have influenced this belief.
• Create a personal roadmap for navigating multiple romantic partnerships, including setting boundaries, communication strategies, and time management. This could involve drafting a weekly schedule that allocates time for each partner, ensuring that you maintain transparency and fairness. You might also include strategies for self-care to ensure you don't become emotionally or physically overwhelmed.
• Start a "closeness challenge" with a friend or partner where you both commit to one new physical gesture of affection each day, such as a hug or a pat on the back, and discuss how each gesture made you feel. This can shift your comfort levels and perceptions of physical closeness over time.

Addressing the difficulties and resistance...

Polywise Summary Cultivating skills for addressing disputes and handling relational challenges.

Partners in nonmonogamous relationships often have to deal with a range of issues that tend to be less evident or subdued in monogamous pairings. These issues range from dysfunctional communication dynamics to feelings of neglect or resentment, and even the potential for fundamental incompatibility. Couples must develop new skills to manage disagreements successfully and repair disturbances in their relationships.

Recognizing the harmful consequences of poor communication methods.

Relationship conflicts often arise from inadequate communication techniques, and these issues are usually more evident in nonmonogamous partnerships because of their complex nature and the increased likelihood of intense emotional reactions. She underscores the necessity of fostering an environment where conversations are marked by consideration, benevolence, and consciousness to prevent damaging exchanges.

Tackling and mitigating the four common harmful patterns that occur in relationships.

Jessica Fern introduces the concept of four detrimental communicative behaviors that often predict the failure of a relationship—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—by likening them to...

Polywise Summary The story progresses past the limitations of mutual reliance, underscoring the importance of personal independence and self-sufficiency.

In "Polywise," Jessica Fern highlights the prevalent challenges encountered in nonmonogamous partnerships, which often stem from extensive instances of mutual reliance and intertwined boundaries. Partners lacking a solid sense of self may find it challenging to adapt to additional partnerships or manage the changes inherent in moving towards a non-monogamous arrangement. Partners should concentrate on self-awareness enhancement, communication proficiency advancement, and clear boundary setting to nurture both individuality and interdependence in their relationships. Navigating multiple romantic relationships can amplify the complexities, particularly as they necessitate a greater degree of personal autonomy and can exacerbate the challenges linked to becoming overly dependent on others.

Investigating the profound impact that interdependent relationships have on individual interactions.

Enmeshment and codependency are terms used to describe relational dynamics where there is a lack of clear boundaries between individuals, and an unhealthy dependence on each other for validation, emotional regulation, or a sense of self. In these interactions, it frequently happens that the...

Polywise Summary Venturing into the realm of non-monogamy can foster significant personal development and transformation.

Jessica Fern posits that exploring relationships beyond monogamy can lead to significant personal development and transformation. The experience of opening ourselves to new forms of love, intimacy, and connection can have a profoundly positive effect on our self-perception, expand our capacity for growth, and challenge us to confront and integrate buried aspects of our personalities. Jessica Fern utilizes a variety of theoretical models to examine the myriad paths adults might take and to identify the range of challenges that can arise as our patterns of relationships evolve.

Utilizing the model Kegan developed for the psychological development of adults,

The writer explores the varied journeys people go through as they transition to consensual non-monogamy, employing a framework based on developmental psychologist Robert Kegan's quintet of adult development stages to understand the evolution of both monogamous and non-monogamous partnerships. The framework developed by Kegan highlights the unique viewpoints, understanding, and engagement with the environment that people have at different developmental stages, with a special focus on the shift of their focus from their own...