Book SummaryPolysecure, by Jessica Fern

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Polysecure

In Polysecure, psychologist Jessica Fern explores the world of non-monogamous relationships, focusing on how attachment styles can influence relationship dynamics. She offers advice on how you can become polysecure—having healthy polyamorous relationships rooted in secure attachment with yourself and your partners. The book is a guide for those exploring polyamory or other forms of nontraditional relationships and committed to building relationships that are secure, fulfilling, and respectful.

Fern is a psychotherapist and certified coach, known for her expertise in attachment theory, trauma recovery, and non-monogamous relationships, and she helps individuals and couples to overcome past traumas and reactive patterns. She published Polysecure in 2020, and it quickly became a foundational resource for those exploring polyamory or other...

Polysecure Summary Consensual Non-Monogamy

In this section, we’ll discuss the basics of consensual non-monogamy.

Fern defines consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as a relationship model where people have multiple, consensual, and simultaneous romantic and/or sexual partnerships. Contrary to popular misconceptions, CNM isn’t cheating; instead, it’s a clearly agreed-upon arrangement that relies on honesty, communication, and compassionate consideration for everyone’s needs and boundaries.

(Shortform note: CNM and polyamory are often used interchangeably, but describe different types of relationship structures and practices. Consensual non-monogamy, also sometimes called ethical non-monogamy (ENM), is a broad category that encompasses various relationship styles involving multiple romantic or sexual partners with the mutual consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is one type of CNM, where individuals have intimate relationships with more than one partner simultaneously. While polyamory is a form of CNM, it’s not the only one, as CNM also includes practices like open relationships and swinging.)

Fern explains that CNM doesn’t look the same for...

Polysecure Summary Why Attachment Theory Matters in Polyamorous Relationships

While CNM might be a good option for some, it comes with a unique set of challenges, like managing jealousy, changing relationships dynamics, and maintaining clear and open communication among all partners. Fern says that understanding your attachment style and working to build secure attachment will help you navigate the complexities of CNM.

(Shortform note: While Fern focuses on the importance of understanding your attachment style in navigating CNM, Louisa Leontiades, author of The Husband Swap, emphasizes the value of personal experience. Leontiades draws from her own journey through open marriages and polyamorous relationships to offer practical advice on managing time, societal judgments, and conflicts. She underscores the importance of adaptability and resilience, suggesting that learning from real-life scenarios is most essential for a successful CNM experience.)

In this section, we’ll begin with an overview of standard attachment theory and outline the four attachment styles. Then, we’ll explain the problem with traditional attachment theory and how an updated understanding of...

Polysecure Summary How to Thrive in Consensual Non-Monogamy: Become Polysecure

Fern argues that for CNM relationships to work, you must become “polysecure,” which means achieving and maintaining secure attachments with multiple partners. She explains that based on the advanced frameworks of attachment theory, you can establish secure attachments with multiple people, just as a child can develop safe, loving, and caring connections with multiple caregivers. You can nurture these secure attachments with open communication, mutual trust, and respectful interactions with partners.

(Shortform note: Fern coined the term “polysecure,” and while it’s gaining recognition, it hasn’t permeated mainstream polyamorous discussions. While some specialized workshops discuss the concept, “polysecure” is more commonly used among academics and psychologists focused on attachment and relational dynamics.)

How to Become Polysecure

Fern gives advice for becoming polysecure, no matter your preferred relationship structure.

Foster a...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Your Attachment Style

Fern argues that understanding your attachment style is crucial in the context of polyamory, as it helps you navigate multiple relationships more effectively, ensuring everyone involved feels secure and valued. By recognizing your patterns and reactions, you can better manage potential issues such as jealousy, insecurity, and unequal attention, all common complex dynamics within polyamorous relationships.

Recall your past and present relationships. Based on your behavior patterns, identify your predominant attachment style: secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized.To identify your attachment style, assess your typical behavior in relationships: Do you have a healthy balance of closeness and independence without major fears or anxiety (Secure)? Do you often worry that you'll be abandoned and feel you need more from your partner (Anxious)? Do you tend to avoid closeness and feel uncomfortable sharing emotions or supporting your partner during tough times (Avoidant)? Do you have mixed feelings about intimacy, sometimes desiring it and at other times feeling scared or uncomfortable (Disorganized)?

Shortform Exercise: Practice Polysecurity

Fern argues that relationship security in polyamory involves both a protective refuge (provides comfort, safety, reliability) and a firm foundation (allows for personal growth and fulfillment). This reflective exercise helps you identify the actions and behaviors you need from a partner to feel secure and to help you grow.

What do you need in a relationship to feel safe, comfortable, and secure? Think about the behaviors, actions, or practices in a relationship that give you a sense of refuge. For example, you may need consistent communication, reassurance during times of stress, a predictable routine, or regular expressions of love and affection. Write down five actions your partners can do to provide you with these feelings of security.