Book SummaryNot Nice, by Aziz Gazipura

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Not Nice

Have you ever found yourself saying yes when you really meant no? Or perhaps you've felt the weight of unspoken resentment while agreeing to something that you don’t want to do...yet again? In Not Nice, Aziz Gazipura critiques our cultural fixation on niceness, suggesting that both individuals and society would benefit from being less nice. The book's objective is to free people from the trap of constant people-pleasing and empower them to build meaningful connections, all while maintaining a healthy focus on their own well-being and needs.

Gazipura is a clinical psychologist who specializes in social anxiety and confidence-building. In 2011, Gazipura started the Social Confidence Center, which is dedicated to helping people navigate social...

Not Nice Summary What Does It Mean to Be Nice?

According to Gazipura, we're raised to believe that it’s important to be nice. Parents, teachers, and other adults consistently remind children to be polite, get along with others, not hurt people’s feelings, and follow the rules. While these lessons are well-intentioned, young people often inadvertently learn that anything that doesn't meet adult expectations of niceness is bad. They become afraid of doing anything that displeases people in their lives, whether that be openly disagreeing with them or being too loud. We carry these lessons with us into adulthood, holding on to the belief that being nice is the equivalent of being good.

(Shortform note: Behavioral expectations can vary by gender, with girls more often raised to be nice. For instance, girls are often encouraged to be kind and helpful, while boys are commonly commended for being strong and independent. This expectation of being nice persists as girls mature: A 2017 Pew Research Study revealed that [Americans deemed nurturing and empathy the most crucial qualities for...

Not Nice Summary The Problem With Nice

If niceness is wrapped up in the need to be liked, amplified guilt, and a fear of conflict, then, Gazipura argues, we should all aspire to be less nice. While being nice may help you avoid discomfort in the moment, it has a long-term cost. Gazipura outlines the mental, emotional, and physical consequences of being nice.

(Shortform note: Gazipura focuses on the personal consequences of being nice. However, the Blackburn Center, an organization committed to ending violence, points out how being nice also has the potential to perpetuate injustice. For example, in a social situation, if you hear a sexist joke, the nice thing to do would be to laugh quietly or say nothing. The kind response, on the other hand, would be to speak up. The organization argues the distinction matters, especially in efforts to combat gender-based violence because while being nice maintains comfort, it doesn't bring about change.)

According to Gazipura, prioritizing others' needs over your own can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, anger, and resentment. Uncomfortable emotions may manifest as...

Not Nice Summary What Happens When You Stop Being Nice?

According to Gazipura, when you stop being nice, your life transforms. You gain the freedom to be your true self without shame, guilt, or fear. You become the authority of your own life instead of relying on others to dictate what's right for you, and you begin to trust your intuition, understanding that you know the best path forward. When you stop being nice, you’re no longer motivated by the need to be liked; you allow yourself to be known by sharing your experiences...

Not Nice Summary Step 1: Write Your Own Rules

To escape the trap of niceness, you first need to write your own rules for how you want to live, what Gazipura calls your personal bill of rights. Being nice often means conforming to others' expectations, but crafting your own rules allows you to live authentically and prioritize your well-being. Your list of rules serves as a reminder of your right to assert your boundaries, express your needs, and navigate relationships with authenticity. This self-defined code of conduct can liberate you from the constraints of people-pleasing and foster a deeper sense of self-respect and confidence.

(Shortform note: The personal bill of rights is a common therapeutic tool that has evolved over time within the field of...

Not Nice Summary Step 2: Commit to the Process

Gazipura writes that you must be committed to the process to make it work. Zero commitment means you don’t see the problem with being nice and have no desire to change your behavior, while the highest level means changing your behavior at all costs—you fully understand how damaging niceness has been to your personal and professional well-being and are willing to do whatever it takes to change your behavior, no matter how...

Not Nice Summary Step 3: Establish Boundaries

To stop being nice, establish clear boundaries, says Gazipura. This means being able to identify your own wants, opinions, and responsibilities and distinguish them from others’.

(Shortform note: In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab, a clinical therapist and social worker, defines boundaries as the standards for how you’d like to be treated. She explains that healthy boundaries are neither too strict nor too weak. Strict boundaries lead you to push people away in your attempt to protect yourself, while weak boundaries are too flexible to protect your needs. Nice people are more likely to suffer from having weak boundaries in which they over-prioritize other people’s needs over their own. She explains that healthy boundaries allow you to prioritize your needs without pushing others away.)

According to Gazipura, your internal feelings (your likes, dislikes, opinions, and intuition) inform your boundaries....

Not Nice Summary Step 4: Prioritize Yourself

The next step in unlearning niceness is prioritizing yourself. You're responsible for your needs. No one else will meet them. Practice asking yourself what you want and need and how to get it. If you have a long history of being nice, you might think this sounds selfish, but selfishness is a matter of perspective. According to Gazipura, it exists on a spectrum, from self-sacrificing (too nice) to thoughtlessly selfish (only caring about oneself). He advocates the middle ground: healthy self-interest.

(Shortform note: The idea of healthy self-interest has implications beyond personal development. Economist Adam Smith, author of The Wealth of Nations, also advocated self-interest, stressing the importance of fulfilling individual needs within societal contexts. Smith's economic framework shows that responsible self-interest, when balanced with social responsibility, can lead to overall societal prosperity, akin to Gazipura's ideas about personal growth and well-being.)

Gazipura says that the...

Not Nice Summary Step 5: Embrace Your Full Self

The next step in unlearning your patterns of niceness is to embrace your full self by acknowledging your "shadow" parts. Referencing the work of psychologist Carl Jung, Gazipura explains that each of us has multiple parts, some we present to the world and some we hide. According to Jung, the "shadow" represents parts you might unconsciously deny, suppress, or disown because they don't align with the image you want to present to the world or because they trigger feelings of shame or discomfort. While everyone’s shadow is unique, Gazipura points to common qualities of shadows—violence, sexuality, selfishness, or hostility. Embracing your full self requires you to accept that these qualities are a natural part of who you are.

(Shortform note: Psychoanalyst James Hollis argues that our relationship to our shadow parts isn't static, but changes as we move through different life stages. For example, Hollis argues that as people approach midlife, the confrontation with the shadow becomes more pronounced. The existential challenges of aging, including reflections on mortality, purpose, and unfulfilled desires, propel people to confront the...

Not Nice Summary Step 6: Speak Your Mind

Once you know what you want and understand that you're more than “just nice,” it’s time to become a more authentic version of yourself, one who speaks their mind. According to Gazipura, people avoid speaking their mind for several reasons: They fear hurting someone’s feelings, causing offense, or inciting anger; they aim to avoid being perceived as rude, mean, or aggressive; or they hesitate to show emotions, appear needy, or make public mistakes.

(Shortform note: While it’s important to speak your mind, it’s also important to recognize the balance between authenticity and consideration. In Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman underscores the importance of discerning when and how to articulate your thoughts. By honing emotional intelligence, you can embrace an authentic version of yourself and navigate interpersonal dynamics adeptly. This skill involves recognizing and understanding your emotions, enabling you to choose your responses thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively, ensuring that authenticity...

Shortform Exercise: Identify Your Nice Patterns

Gazipura explains that in the journey to becoming less nice, it's essential to shift your focus from what you feel you should do—driven by external expectations and pressures—to what aligns with what you want and need. The first step in this process is uncovering the rules that currently dictate your behavior.

Reflect on the expectations and pressures you feel from society, family, friends, and even yourself. Create a list of things you believe you "should" do. This could include anything from career choices to daily habits.

Shortform Exercise: Identify the Root Cause of Nice

Gazipura argues that our overly nice tendencies often stem from ingrained fears. Noticing and addressing these fears can help you to be more genuine and assertive.

Describe a recent situation where you felt you compromised your feelings, needs, or boundaries to be too nice.