Book SummaryLove Worth Making, by Stephen Snyder

1-Page Summary1-Page Book Summary of Love Worth Making

The development and change of an individual's sexual identity.

Snyder introduces the concept that the core of our individuality profoundly influences our sexual responses and encounters, a notion he describes as our sexual identity. Our sense of self-worth and the yearning to be affirmed intertwine deeply with the primal and instinctive aspects of our sexuality, which function autonomously from our deliberate cognition.

The Sexual Self communicates its truth, often by affirming or negating.

A person's sexuality does not indulge in complex justifications or rationalizations. The body conveys its desires and inclinations through direct emotions and physical responses, frequently culminating in a straightforward affirmation or rejection of the current situation. The natural inclination to seek more arises when an experience is enjoyable. When an aspect becomes disagreeable, its functionality diminishes significantly.

Our understanding of our sexual identity is molded by innate impulses and bodily feelings, not by rational thought.

The sexual self is impervious to rational arguments or intellectual discussions. Engaging in acts of intimacy merely out of a sense of obligation, rather than genuine desire, will not fool the deeply personal element of your essence. It will sense the absence of genuineness and likely retreat further. Forcing passion or making a child eat broccoli are both endeavors that often end in failure.

Trying to "talk" your sexual self into wanting something it’s not feeling is a recipe for frustration. In matters of closeness, techniques that rely on sheer willpower or positive affirmations often fail to deliver results. The author recommends embracing and understanding our distinct sexual characteristics instead of trying to control them.

Context

• From an evolutionary standpoint, sexual impulses are seen as mechanisms for reproduction and survival, deeply rooted in our biology rather than conscious reasoning.
• The concept underscores the strong connection between mind and body, where bodily sensations and instincts can override intellectual intentions or decisions.
• This behavior can create a power imbalance in relationships, where one partner's needs are prioritized over the other's genuine feelings.
• Genuine passion requires an emotional connection and authenticity, which cannot be manufactured or imposed. This parallels how children may develop a liking for certain foods naturally rather than through pressure.
• Forcing oneself to feel or act in ways that are not genuine can strain relationships, as partners may sense the lack of authenticity, leading to trust issues and emotional distance.
• The brain's reward system and neurotransmitters like [restricted term] play a crucial role in sexual desire, which are not directly influenced by conscious thought processes.
• Attempts to control or change sexual characteristics can lead to internal conflict and resistance, as these traits are often stable and resistant to external manipulation.

During the heightening of passion, individuals often experience a return to a more innocent, almost childlike aspect of their sexual selves.

Snyder proposes that arousal often brings us back to a state of childlike purity. As we increasingly seek personal satisfaction, we become more egocentric, which erodes our ability to remain patient. During moments of intimacy, we often regress to a primal and instinctual state, allowing us to savor a form of joy and ecstasy reminiscent of our earliest infancy.

During periods of heightened sexual excitement, the sexual self yearns for exclusive focus and worship, similar to how a baby cherishes being enveloped in the soothing embrace of its mother. It craves the sensation of being completely absorbed in the moment, unburdened by the concerns of adulthood.

Practical Tips

• Start a 'novelty adventure' day once a month where you commit to trying something you've never done before, such as attending a circus workshop or taking a kite-making class. This can help you experience the world with fresh eyes and a sense of wonder, similar to how children often do.
• Engage in a hobby that requires long-term commitment and yields delayed gratification, such as gardening, learning a musical instrument, or mastering a new language. These activities inherently teach patience and take the focus away from immediate personal satisfaction. For instance, when you plant a seed, you must nurture it and wait for it to grow without any shortcuts. Similarly, learning to play a song on an instrument or becoming conversational in a new language takes practice over time, which can help you appreciate the process and reduce the tendency towards egocentrism.
• Engage in a partnered dance class like tango or salsa to physically experience the dynamics of intimacy and instinct. These dances require close physical proximity and rely heavily on non-verbal cues and instinctual reactions to your partner's movements. Through this activity, you'll be able to feel the shift from your everyday interactions to a more primal form of communication and connection.
• Transform your bedroom into a sanctuary that reflects exclusivity and reverence, using sensory elements like candles, incense, or dim lighting. The environment plays a crucial role in setting the stage for worship and focus. Invest in luxurious bedding or decor that makes the space feel sacred and special. This physical transformation can help both you and your partner enter a mindset of exclusivity and deep appreciation, enhancing the overall experience.
• Designate a 'worry-free zone' in your living space where adult...

Love Worth Making Summary The influence of sexual differences rooted in gender on intimate partnerships.

Snyder highlights the significance of acknowledging the typical differences in sexual reactions across genders to foster strong and fulfilling intimate relationships. While these differences are not universal, they often significantly influence the dynamics of interaction between men and women in a relationship.

Women frequently concentrate on their physical appeal and how they are regarded as subjects of sexual interest.

Snyder observes that women often dedicate more time and energy to enhance their looks than men do, aiming to increase their attractiveness to potential partners. The concern with appearing attractive goes beyond mere vanity. Many women find that their sexual pleasure and arousal are heightened when they perceive a deep desire in their partners to be desired.

Numerous women place a higher value on their partner's expression of desire for them than on simply attaining bodily pleasure.

The author points out that although physical enjoyment is certainly appreciated by women, for a great number of them, it alone is insufficient. Women seek the confidence that their partners genuinely relish their physical presence and consistently seek their affection....

Love Worth Making Summary Approaches to preserving closeness and ardor over the span of enduring partnerships.

Snyder suggests that maintaining both closeness and fervor throughout the duration of a partnership requires more than just technical know-how. Cultivating a deeper sexual connection requires a transformation in how one views desire, along with a conscious effort to build emotional closeness.

Embracing the inherent fluctuations in desire instead of attempting to coerce it.

A key principle of the approach suggested is acknowledging that desire fluctuates with time instead of remaining constant. Our desire for physical intimacy can be influenced by our emotional state, the level of stress we're experiencing, and the condition of our relationship at a given time.

Recognizing desire as a fluctuating emotion, not a constant state

The writer underscores the impracticality of anticipating a perpetual sense of longing within the confines of a prolonged partnership. Desire levels can vary due to numerous factors. It is essential to remain composed during times when emotional bonds seem absent, trusting that these emotions will reemerge when the conditions are right.

Context

• Life events such as work pressure, family responsibilities, and financial concerns can...

Love Worth Making Summary The spiritual, emotional, and psychological factors influencing sexuality

Snyder underscores the necessity for everyone, regardless of their relationship status, to understand the spiritual, emotional, and psychological components that are essential to sexuality. Intimacy goes beyond physical connection; it encapsulates our deepest needs and vulnerabilities, often mirroring the intrinsic dynamics within our interpersonal bonds.

Our sexuality is deeply interwoven with our sense of self-worth, our capacity for emotional vulnerability, and our spiritual convictions.

The author delves into how our sexual nature is intricately linked to our most profound sense of identity. Our sense of intimacy is often shaped by beliefs established in our early years, encompassing our self-image, our sense of deserving affection, and our right to happiness.

Positive feelings of self-love and acceptance facilitate healthy sexuality

Snyder suggests that to derive enjoyment from sexual encounters, one must possess a healthy sense of self-worth that embraces both physical and emotional dimensions. Feeling at ease and confident often enhances a person's willingness to experience pleasure, reduces the tendency to be self-aware during intimate times, and bolsters...